Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I've been busy with paper work for three hours.

I've finished it all. There's nothing left to do. I can take a break and just go to sleep. Yeah sleep. Sleep is good for you! Right? Sleep is supposed to let you charge you batteries and relax in a dreamless slumber. Yeah. Dreamless.

I walk to bed, it's in my office out of convenience, cause why shouldn't it be. Why would anyone care if my office is also my bedroom? Lots of people have a combined office/bedroom. Willbur is the weirdo not me.

I couldn't care less about brushing my teeth, I look like shit so I might as well smell like it. At least I'm not a walking corpse!

I'm stalling again aren't I? Of course I am. Oh well time to go to sleep and not have crazy dreams about the perfect life I'll never have.

I close my eyes and I drift off slowly. It's warm and cozy. I'm in their arms again aren't I. I open my eyes and yup I was right. They're holding me so tight. It's so comfy, it's like being hugged by two giant marshmallow men.

I smile and press tighter against Sapnap. His too tight shirt is so comfy. "You awake?" Sapnap is smiling at me, it's so soft and filled with love. The only person who looks at me like that now is Willbur when he thinks I'm not looking. I give him the same loving smile and nuzzle his neck. I've missed this so much.

Karl is kissing my neck in his sleep. I loved it when he did that back in El Rapids. Now it's like a needle poking me over and over. It doesn't feel like a marshmallow anymore. It feels painful. I need to cry but I can't. I can't breathe."What's wrong Q?" Sapnap must've noticed I tensed up. I feel like vomiting or screaming, maybe both. "You left me" it came out as a whimper making up for my non existing tears. "What are you talking about? We're right here" he seemed confused and worried. "Why, why, why, why, what did I do, why did you leave me and what can I do to make it up to you!?" It came out with sobs and tears. Everything felt painful, like thousands of little creatures bitting my body. They're gone now. Everything is gone. I'M ALONE AGAIN, I DON'T WANNA- PLEASE I- I CAN'T- I NEED, I... I don't know what I did wrong.

"So they threw you away like an old banana peel" yes. "They just left and never told you about it" I breathe like Ijust ran a marathon. I look up and there he is. "Willbur?" He looks down at me. I'm on my knees and we're surrounded by nothingness. "It's their loss really, I'd cherished you till the end of time" he's smiling a dumb smile with his dumb face and his dumb eyes are staring at me. I feel like I'm on fire. I'm not sure if it's in a good way or not. But I'll take what I can get...

My eyelids split open. I check my phone, It's 3:46 am. Today is gonna be hell I already know it... I need to smoke some weed.

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It was a dream. It was both good and bad. I had both of them with me here, in this bed. Then Quackity freaked out and disappeared and Karl just faded away. I was alone... I am alone.

They left and it doesn't seem like they're coming back. Even when Karl is here, he's not here. He's right in front of me but so far away. Right now he's gone. I don't know if he'll be back. But I'm allowed to hope. Quackity is gone. I don't know if he's still alive. I hope he is. I hope to see him again and hold him forever. I don't care if he left me or not. I just want to see that priceless smile and kiss those beautiful lips. I'd do anything for even just a single moment where we could be fiances again.

I'm just making myself more depressed. I know it's not gonna happen. I know this relationship is beyond repair. I know that I'm beyond repair. I'm just laying in bed wishing for what could've been. I'm too exhausted to sleep, and not hungry enough to eat. I just wanna be held and told that everything's gonna be alright. 

I could just stay in bed all day, and rot. Who would care anyway, I have nobody. I could just go to a lake and drown or overdose on the antidepressants puffy gave me, or I could just rot. I still have three lives though. I'd just die and then live. Who knows maybe loosing one life would be enough. Enough to make me content. Enough to bring at least one of them back. God I'm selfish and stupid, they'd probably be horrified and create and even bigger distance between us.

I guess I know how quackity feels now. I guess I understand his hopelessness and depression. Why suicide seems like the better option. I hope he's okay wherever he is, that those thoughts don't plague him anymore. I hope Karl's okay, I hope he comes back soon. I hope they both come back...

I've made up my mind. I'm going to die. I'm getting rid of one of those stupid lives, if only to help me move on. I don't remember leaving the house, or where I am really. All I know is that if I jump from this cliff, I'll die. I- I'll die, I'll die, I'll loose a life, there'll only be two!!! Die, die, death, no more life, just death. I feel so free! This is my choice, and I'll fucking take it!!!

I look down but I feel no fear, I feel numb, yet somehow excited. I've never died before, I wonder what it's like. I wonder who's gonna care. I take step forward and spread my arms. And I just let go completely. I fall and fall. It feels like it's in slow motion and as I fall life flashes before my eyes. I think about the people I've met, the things I've done, the two I love. Maybe I should've written them a message. Would they even care? Maybe... no probably not. I wonder when I'll hit the- *crack* *splatter*

Chapter Text

The communicators went off everywhere, "Sapnap fell from a high place", I was there. I should've stopped him. I should've jumped off with him, I SHOULD'VE DONE SOMETHING. I should've been there for him. Instead I'm here, crying on the grassy ground. And for now every memory is there. Every single one. I remember everything. But for how long I don't know. What does it matter Sapnap killed himself and Quackity... wait a minute... FUCK, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT. I FORGOT TO TELL QUACKITY ABOUT KINOKO. 

I don't know what to do. I've failed them both. I failed to be there for Sapnap in his darkest time and I failed to tell Quackity about Kinoko. I- I can't breathe. My mind is on fire. Tears are spilling everywhere. I'm such a fuck up. I don't deserve them. I- what am I doing, why am I crying? Oh right, Sapnap. I have to go check on him.

I feel so numb, but my heart is beating so fast. I can barely remember how I got here. Oh well better go chack on him. Maybe he's okay. Hehe hopefully. I walk through the door, passed the kitchen and the living room, up the stares and I open the door. My body is shaking, my heart is beating faster than it should and I feel like crying again. He's not here. I- I where- no, no, no, no nonononononono.

I've searched everywhere and I can't find him. Where is he!? Wait a minute! I could just call him!! I grab my communicator from my pocket and immediately find his number. Come on, come on, pick up, pick up. "Hello?" His heart almost skipped a beat "Sapnap! Oh thank god you're okay, now where the fuck are you? I've been having what feels like a heart attack for the past three hours" he silent for a moment. "I'm not entirely sure, I got extremely drunk after dying and now I'm at some fancy hotel or something" How long did I spend crying on the ground!? "Why would you drink after dying!?" "I just wanted to forget okay" I'm not sure wether to be mad or relieved he's sorta okay. Maybe a mixture of both.