Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

How dares he. How fucking dares he.

Kacchan,

I know you hate me. What’s new though, right? Sorry for the tears stains… you always said I was a crybaby so you shouldn’t be surprised by them.

I didn’t want to leave anything unsaid but I couldn’t bring myself to say it either (or write it for that matter). So I guess that leaving you this is a way of saying it. You can blast it if you want, although it would mean a lot to me if you read it.

So, goodbye, I guess. It would be nice to say “see you later” because, believe me, there’s nothing that I want more in life than to see you again. (You’ll understand when you read it). But realistically speaking I’m not coming back and I’m sure you already know that.

I’m sorry. I finally understand why you never wanted for me to take care of you, save you, or just run after you in general.

Be amazing,

(I can’t believe I’m signing this like this but it feels like an honest and bitter-sweet closure…)

Deku

The letter was attached to the little black notebook. Simple, almost random. Pages used. All of them. Izuku’s handwriting traced with so much more care than on his hero-analysis notebooks. Katsuki can’t look away.

He can’t look away even though his eyes burn with the unbearable need to cry from impotence.

How fucking dares he.

Katsuki swallows the sob that threatened to escape his mouth and begins reading. He is sure that he’s going to regret this.

———————

I’m starting a new one because every theory I had about him went out the window after what I saw yesterday.

It’s not a big thing, at least it’s not supposed to be, it’s just that my messed up brain can’t just let things go. God I wish I could just let this go.

Kirishima asked him to eat together at lunch yesterday. Like it was easy. Like it was so natural and so, I don’t know, obvious that Kacchan was going to say yes. And you know what the worst part is? He did. “Do whatever the hell you want, shitty hair” and I just froze.

I shouldn’t be surprised, they’ve been closer since the villain attack. I just thought, I don’t know, that it was more like ‘a classmate that he talks to’ kind of situation. It’s not. It sucks.

I thought he didn’t want friends. He always had minions, fans, never friends, never equals. I was the closest to that and god knows he doesn’t see me as his equal. Turns out he just didn’t want me as his friend. Figures. He’s too special. Amazing…

Excuse me, I’m going to cry myself to sleep and then pretend that I’m not pathetic.

Maybe I can finally move on. I have Iida and Uraraka now, anyways.

————————-

I think I saw Kacchan smiling at Kirishima today (I say I think because it was very subtle and then he insulted him so who knows).

I can’t begin to explain how much this bothers me. And the question lays there, in the middle of the whole chaos that’s my brain: why does it bother me so much?

On another not-so-depressing subject: I passed chemistry. (Iida helped me because he saw me on the verge of collapsing while I tried to copy his notes.)

————————

Is it wrong that I feel a perverse amount of joy when Kacchan says he’s going to be better than me? That he sees me as a threat to his goal? Because my head gets fuzzy and I feel like this adrenaline (rush?) flowing through my veins and it’s… It’s amazing. Of course it had to be Kacchan the one who made me feel something amazing. He’s just that. Amazing.

We had a fighting exercise today. Simple, easy. No quirks, just sparing. And half of me was focused on winning, being better than him, and the other… Well, the other was my four year old self, getting strar-struck over his moves. He won, of course.

I think I’ve decided on my hero name too. We haven’t announce them yet but I’m pretty sure it’s what I want. It’s Deku. Yeah, I know. But it’s because of Uraraka, I swear.

—————————

Of course it was. My Deku means ‘I can do it’!. The amount of anger that he’d felt in that moment-

Who could blame him, though. He certainly wasn’t going to choose it because of Katsuki.

————————

We went to get ice cream today. There’s a place just around the corner, next to UA. Good ice cream, not enough flavors.

The gen-Ed students were there too. We almost don’t cross paths in school so it was weird seeing them there. Uraraka recognized them. Apparently she went to middle school with one of the girls. She asked me to accompany her to say hi and I wanted the earth to swallow me whole because I hate meeting new people. I’m awkward enough as it is, we don’t need to add social anxiety to the mix.

We sat there and ended up having a conversation. Well, Uraraka and Iida did, I just ate my ice cream and nodded politely.

There was a boy right next to me. Purple hair, tired eyes, looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but there. I asked his name, he told me to fuck off. Now I want to be his friend. Figures.

I should get a sign and hang it around my neck: do not reject me or treat me badly I will most certainly only bother you further.

———————

A soft knock on his door interrupts him.

“Fuck off”

“Bakugou, you’ve been in there since you got off the hospital, you didn’t even eat.”

He doesn’t reply. His finger still marking the page where he left off.

He doesn’t want to leave his room. If he leaves his room they’re going to see the state he’s in. And he doesn’t fucking want for people to see him like this.

The knob is turning. He never ran so fast in his entire life.

He pushes the door close again and locks it.

“I said fuck off.”

“Bro, either you let me in or I break the door open.”

“I’m not kidding, Shitty hair. Leave me alone-“

“This is stupid, Bakugou!” Mina’s voice cuts him short. “You can’t push us away, we’re here. We know you’re probably hurting-“

“Shut up. You don’t know shit, okay? You don’t know the fucking half of it, so leave me alone. I’ll get out when I goddamn please.”

He tries to ignore the fact that his voice brakes during the middle of the sentence. His back still barricades the door while he considers if he should just give up and let them in.

Just like you should have done with Deku, right?

It stings. It hurts. It burns.

He looks at the diary laying on the floor. It must’ve fallen when he ran to the door.

“Let’s go, guys.” It’s Sero. He’s always been the one with more than half of a brain cell.

“Didn’t you hear him?” Kaminari recriminates him.

“I did. That’s why I’m saying we’re leaving.”

Thank god for Sero.

“Fine” Mina says before kicking the door lightly like a goddamn five year old who just got told they had to go to bed early.

“I’ll leave your dinner in the fridge.” Kirishima adds.

He hears footsteps moving away. He thinks he’s finally alone but a soft voice echoes the hallway.

“It’s okay to miss him, you know.” Kaminari states. “And it’s okay to be mad at him too. I know I’m mad.”

A beat.

Silence.

“… What if I don’t have the right to be?”

The question escapes his lips without meaning to. It’s just that he feels so guilty-

“I think you’re the one who is most entitled to feel however you want to feel in this whole situation.”

A treacherous tear rolls down his cheek and Katsuki has to swallow the lump in his throat to reply.

“Big words, Pikachu.”

He can hear the snort from his side of the door.

“Yeah, sometimes I use those.”

He leaves after that. Katsuki is glad there’s no awkward conversation where he has to promise to get out rather sooner than later.

He sighs before walking to his bed and grabbing the diary on his way.

A blanket around him and some tissues right by his night stand, because he’s been sobbing like a fucking baby since he got back.

He opens the diary, flips through the pages, and there he goes again.

—————————

So now Kacchan has more than one friend. I know, it’s been a month. Get over it, Izuku. Live.

Well, because I’m a masochist here I am.

There’s Kaminari now too. He bothers me less than Kirishima. Mostly because Kacchan is always making fun of him and yelling at him (and I can relate with that of course). I almost want to give him advice since I’m such an expert at being Kacchan’s clown.

The point is that he has two friends And this only confirms that I’m the problem, not him.

And I think what really bothers me is that Kirishima lives praising him. Yes, we get he’s awesome. I know that. I have three volumes of my hero-analysis notebooks dedicated to his awesomeness. But that’s not the worst part, no, here it is, I hope you’re ready:

KACCHAN JUST LETS HIM.

Do you know what he used to do when I praised him? What kind of response I got?

1. Fuck off, Deku
2. Don’t be lame
3. Stop, just shut up and die already
4. Shitty nerd
5. Shitty Deku

The other day he thanked Kirishima. I almost choked with my own saliva.

(I feel kind of guilty though. Uraraka says that Kirishima is nice and I can’t help but to run the other way when he tries to talk to me.)

I know it’s envy, okay? Jealousy because I’ve wanted to be his friend for so long, worked for it, and this random boy arrives, says hi and that’s it?

What was it about me that was so unbearable?

Forget it, I know.

Quirkless Deku.

———————

Katsuki’s crying again. He has to leave the diary on the mattress for a bit because he can feel the sweat pf his palms beginning to heat up.

It’s not that.

It was never that, you stupid, gullible, naive goddamn-

A sob escapes his lips. Tears roll down his cheeks. His hands pop a little before he can stop it.

Kirishima was safe. That was all that there was. That and the fact that Katsuki is so emotionally constipated that he can’t bear with trying to keep a normal conversation with Deku.

He grabs a tissue, cleans his palms and opens the diary again.

Let’s fucking go. Maybe in the next entry Deku finally says he hates him.

————————

The Sports Festival happened. Boy, do I have things to talk about.

Let’s start saying that I won the first part, it was an obstacle race. Quirkless I may add. Yes, I’m proud of myself (or at least I’m forcing myself to feel proud about it).

I kind of became friends with Todoroki too. Broke my fingers one by one to beat him and I still lost. I’m happy about it though, I lost because he used all his power (He didn’t want to use it at first, it’s a long story). But the point is that we’re friends now.

The last thing is that Kacchan won the festival. Yeah, I know, I’m shocked. Who saw that coming? Uraraka went against him first and lost (tried to give her tips, she didn’t want them), and then Todoroki faced him in the finals. Gotta say, for a moment I thought he had him. But as always, the most amazing hero always wins in the end, that’s what Kacchan says anyways.

He was mad about it though. The had to chain him down to take the medal. He kept saying he didn’t deserve it, that Todoroki gave up. I tried to explain to him that my situation was different, it was useless, somehow I ended up insulting him… Or he thinks I did at least.

And Recovery Girl hates me. That’s official.

OH.

I have the name of the purple haired guy. Shinsou Hitoshi. I went against him before fighting Todoroki. He has an awesome quirk. I’ve already gave him a page in my notebook. I don’t know if he would want to be friends though, I kind of slammed him against the floor and I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined his chances of getting into the Hero course.

————————-

We announced our Hero names today. Some are still in the making. Todoroki wants to call himself Shoto, it’s ridiculous, I tried to tell him and he just doesn’t listen. It’s his actual name, you know? Firefrost would be so cool. I have more options but he’s as pigheaded as Kacchan.

Speaking of which, he chose King/Lord explosion murder. The teachers didn’t let him, of course. Who would choose a name that could scare children? It sounds like what you say to threaten them: brush your teeth or do you want me to call Lord Explosion Murder?

I’m one to talk though, my choice is questionable at best. But it means a lot to me, it felt good to see Uraraka’s proud face when I said it and I kind of loved how Kacchan looked like he might blast his desk off.

————————

See? Explain that. How the fuck could he notice him being upset about it but he wasn’t capable of connecting two fucking brain cells to come to the conclusion as to why Katsuki was upset.

Jesus fucking Christ.

———————————

Ashido and Sero are also friends with Kacchan now. He could open the Agency Bakugou now with all his talented friends. Fuck them. Fuck him.

I was the first member, you know? Even with all the insults and the bullying he can never take that away from me. I took an oath and everything.

I wonder if he remembers that the oath said that I’d be his friend forever. He fucking wrote it and made me say it, and look at us now.

Maybe Kirishima took the oath too.

Now I’m just being petty. I better leave.

——————

There are tear stains there too, just like in his letter. But Katsuki guesses this time Deku had been crying from anger.

“He didn’t take the oath,”
He says, like he can get through the diary, the pages, the handwriting, all the way to wherever the hell Deku is.

“And I haven’t forgotten, nerd. We were going to be partners-“ A sob. He wishes he could just stop crying already. “We were going to be partners and the best Hero duo to ever walk the earth and you just left me”

“Bakugou?” It’s Kirishima.

It takes a moment for Katsuki to realize that the sob has turned into a wail and that probably the entire dorms could hear him.

He wants to blast the diary in a million pieces but he can’t because it’s the only thing that Deku has left him. His goodbye.

And then it washes over him, it comes crushing down like a whole building falling on him. Suffocating him.

“He left.” Katsuki says.

“Bakugou I’m breaking down the door. I’m sorry-“

“He really fucking left me. Fucking piece of shit-“

Kirishima busts the door open, Kaminari, Mina and Sero right behind him.

Katsuki just can’t stop wailing, screaming, the tears, just, everywhere.

And he must look insane, screaming at a goddamn diary like it’s possessed.

“-Kirishima is a better friend than you. Fucking asshole. Who the fuck needs you? And you have the audacity to throw the oath in my face??”

And just as he feels someone pulling him back he grabs the diary and throws it out the window. Glass shattering, scattered all around the floor.

Everything goes quiet.

It’s like Katsuki can’t breathe. Unless he cries. And when he cries the air comes in like in pieces, like he can’t get it right. He can’t get anything right. Not even how to goddamn breathe-

There’s voices. He feels like time passes too quickly and too slow at the same time. Because he’s still not breathing and it feels like he’s been dying for forever but death never comes and somehow now his mom his here.

“Katsuki, brat, love, look at me.”

A hand on his shoulder. It’s his dad. His cologne is there and he would recognize it anywhere. If he can look at his mom and he can smell his dad’s cologne then he can’t be dying, he can’t be dying because he can breathe.

“That’s good, honey. Yes, just slow down a bit, can you do that for me?”

And it’s then that he realizes that his chest is moving too quickly, even more than when he’s fighting.

“Breathe in with me. In,” Katsuki does. It takes a moment. Feels like he’s forcing himself to hold his breath. “Out,” again a beat. “In,”

It’s working.

“That’s good, you’re doing great-“

But Katsuki is crying again. Just quieter, softer, and somehow it feels more painful because now the grief can’t be spat out in between his insults and the screaming. Now it settles inside him like a parasite and it’s so real that he has to gag.

“Mom,”

And she looks at him so frightened and concerned it breaks his heart just a little bit. He has called her hag since he turned twelve.

“Mom he left-“ He tries but the words are interrupted by a sob.

“I know, honey.”

“Without me.” He clarifies, just in case.

“I’m afraid so,” She responds and Katsuki feels his dad’s hand tightened on his shoulder.

There’s a moment. He waits to say it. He needs to say it but he ponders if maybe this wasn’t the best time to do so.

“I have to go with him.”

His mom only smiles before carefully ruffling his head, adoration coloring her eyes. He blinks in return.

“You’re not going to try to stop me?” He asks, turning his head to include his dad on the question.

“Is it going to change anything?” He asks back.

He blinks again.

“…No.”

His mom kisses his forehead and maybe he should be embarrassed and shove her away like he normally would, but he’s so tired that he can’t bring himself to care.

“You ended up being a good one, Katsuki.” She says simply.

He looks at Kirishima.

“The diary-“ He starts but Kirishima never gets to answer because Kaminari is already offering it to him.

“I went to get it while, well, whatever just happened.”

“Thanks.”

“It’s nothing.” He smiles in return.

He’s grateful that he doesn’t mention the fact that Deku left it for him. If his Mom knew she would probably confiscate it to see if has any information that Auntie Inko could use…

But Deku left it for him. He wanted to tell Katsuki something. Maybe he wanted to make him suffer. Who knows.

He’s certainly going to find out.

Chapter Text

I haven’t written about it because I don’t know what to say. And because it’s confidential now, under the rug, taken care of.

Here’s the thing though. I saw a man collapse in front of me and at the time I though he was dead. He’s not. I’m wondering if it makes me a horrible person to wish he was.

It’s not a hero way of thinking. I know that, but he almost killed Iida’s brother. And he almost killed us.

At which point do you stop while fighting? How do you come to the conclusion that you’re safe from the threat if he’s still alive and may still want to attack you.

No one warned me that this was part of it. It’s not just the heroics of it all, it’s survival.

—————————

I’m reading the previous entry and I feel kind of guilty of how stupid this one is.

We trained in class today. I showed off my quirk, just the way I’ve been practicing with Gran Torino. Kacchan’s face was immaculate. I moved just like him. I don’t know why he takes it as an insult, I’m trying to be like him because he’s the best. Try explaning that to him though.

There’s something else but I can’t write it, I promised All Might.

—————————

Exams are over. Thank God.

Kacchan offered himself to tutor Kirishima. There was a part of me that was upset about it but then I remembered what being tutored by him means. I can live without the slaps on the back of my head, thank you very much.

I need to sleep now, I’ve spent the last days studying and my eyes burn.

————————

Shigaraki happened. I can’t talk about it. I don’t even want to remember feeling so out of control, so weak, that I could only stay very still and hope that he wouldn’t touch me with his fifth finger, not even by accident.

The only good thing that I can say about that is that I’ve recently discovered that I don’t want to die. That’s a new one. Even if it is to keep other people away from danger, civilians, my friends, my mom… I just want to keep on living to protect them.

Maybe it doesn’t seem like such a big deal but it’s something new and I wanted to write it.

—————————-

Katsuki frowns at the words. ‘New’ Deku wrote. He described his willing to live as something new.

He feels nauseous.

‘If you think you’ll have a quirk in your next life… Go take a swan dive off the roof’

He wants to cry again but now he sure knows he isn’t entitled to. Not with this. Katsuki is only facing the consequence of his actions. Maybe the only thing that Deku wanted with this diary was to torture him. To make him feel guilty until he dies.

Katsuki wants to scream at him, tell him that he doesn’t need the diary for that. That he’s such so fucking aware-

Deep breath.

He can do this, he’s not a coward.

—————————-

They took him.

They took him and even though I tried so hard to stop it I couldn’t. I’ve lost him because I broke my arms saving Kouta.

They’re gonna get him, they say. The adults. I just want to stomp on their faces because this is their fault for not bringing more security, more heroes, more teachers.

I feel like I’m dying. Like my chest is on fire and no amount of crying is going to take it away.

It takes a moment for Katsuki to process it.

This is about him.

Not about Kirishima.

Not about Deku’s life trying to move on from Katsuki.

This is grief. And it’s about him.

Katsuki can only feel a little guilty for the amount of joy that invades him. Because it’s a devastating entry but it shows that Deku still cares. And he can understand so perfectly what he’s describing.

“Me too, nerd” He whispers before continuing reading the entry.

He didn’t want me to save him. I can’t bring myself to care about his opinion.

Kirishima and Todoroki have been planing to sneak out to get him. They’ve waited until I was awake to invite me. I had to phisically restrain myself from breaking Kirishima’s nose.

“If I don’t do this now, forget about being a hero, I’m not even a man”What’s that supposed to mean? Like he’s commanding the students resistance in the name of manliness or whatever nonsense.

I’m crying again. Shocking.

I’m probably just upset that he can’t even blame himself for Kacchan’s kidnapping. I’ve crossed the entire woods to get to him and they still took him from me.

Uraraka says I went ballistic when the masked-man appeared, kept demanding him to give him back. I can hardly remember anything except the unbearable need to get to Kacchan.

I want to go tonight. I need to go tonight.

The problem is that I’m slow. My body isn’t fully healed yet. I don’t know how much help could I be there. Because if I’m the reason we can’t rescue him then I might just kill myself. But I also can’t trust the rest with this.

I keep feeling that Kacchan has to get back to me, that he’s mine to go after. I don’t know what that means and it terrifies me. He would hate me if he read this.

——————————

He can’t hate him because he understands.

Katsuki could never hate Izuku even if he tried, and he has tried, believe him.

Isn’t it the same as Katsuki’s feeling now?

A snort escapes his mouth. He can only dare to hope it is…

But it’s not. He’s not deluded.

—————————

We did it. He’s with us.

I had to go through a hundred plans and their outcomes in a matter of seconds but out of all of them I had one. Just one chance of success. And it worked.

It’s a secret though. It breaks my heart but I had to leave Kirishima to take the credit for it all, otherwise I was scared that Kacchan would willingly go back to the League of Villains only because I was the one who came up with the idea.

It had to be his friend, he wouldn’t have come any other way. Not Todoroki, not Iida, not me: Kirishima.

And the stupid redhead had the audacity to act surprised when I said it. God. I didn’t think I could find someone so annoying but I do. And it’s not even his fault, you know?

Point is that he’s safe and that’s all that matters. I wasn’t exactly waiting for a thank you or a hug or anything. I wasn’t. And I’m not wondering if Kirishima actually got one or whatever. I’m not.

—————————-

That can’t be-

It can’t be true. Right?

Right?

But now that he thought about it, Kirishima had been evasive about the whole thing.

Had Deku really thought Katsuki wouldn’t have taken his hand?

—————————

We all passed the entry exam except for Todoroki and Kacchan. I feel bad for them. Kacchan was so angry about it and Todoroki kept acting like he didn’t care but I know he does.

I can’t help but to be happy though. I love that I can finally begin to work as a hero now. Go on patrol and stuff.

We’re sneaking out to a party to celebrate our victory apparently. Todoroki was unsure he could come since he didn’t pass but Uraraka convinced him in the end.

I don’t know where we’re even going. I just got told to dress up with something other than a hoodie.

——————————

I had a great time last night.

Iida got wasted, I think I have a million videos on my phone of him reciting the rule book while holding a bottle of vodka. Yeah, I know. Quality content.

The party turned out to be from the Gen-Ed students. Uraraka’s friend invited us (her name is Shio, I actually remembered to ask this time).

At first it was really weird to be there because half of Gen-Ed are the ones who didn’t make the cut in the entrance exam to the Hero course, but after a while (and a few drinks) everything was much less awkward.

I found out I can’t get drunk. My metabolism goes too fast and I burn the alcohol before it really even begins to hit. Todoroki said that it’s a good thing because they would always have a designated driver.

The only bad thing about being the only one sober at a party is that the drunk people tend to leave you alone without meaning to. It’s just that sober people seem boring to them.

I ended up in the kitchen being boring with Shinsou. It was good. Almost made him laugh like twice. We talked for a while and when I finally got to ask him some things about his quirk to add to my Hero-analysis, Uraraka came looking for me saying that we should leave because Todoroki was passed out on the couch. It’s okay though, he gave me his number to answer my questions.

(Half of me is expecting for it to be a fake number.)

——————————

It takes Katsuki a couple of seconds to be able to flip the page over so he can read the next entry. An uncomfortable feeling lingering on his stomach.

He doesn’t feel with the right to be annoyed over the fact that Deku had mentioned Eye Bags for the third time now.

He doesn’t feel with the rig/ht but he’s pissed off regardless.

Everytime he appears in the diary, Deku seems to stop mentioning Katsuki. Not even in a bad way. (And it‘s probably not healthy, but Katsuki’d rather Deku to hate him or be annoyed, mad, or whatever, than him being indifferent to him).

———————————-

I’m sorry, I haven’t been writing much since I moved into the dorms. Been busy, like, existing and worrying about my entire existence and how it bothers/affects people.

He figured it out. Somehow we ended up fighting. Because apparently it’s the only way we have of communicating.

There’s not much to say about it. Or there’s a lot. I don’t know. I keep replaying the fight in my head, I don’t know why. The end of it, just before All might got there.

Katsuki’s breath hitches.

Did he mean-

Could it be?

It’s turning into an intrusive thought. I hate those. Yesterday I was making tea and the image of Kacchan’s beaten face, the sound of his breathing was just there. It appears and it won’t leave. I just need to know what it means.

On a happy note: We talked normally, you know? We’re under house arrest and on chores duty for the fight. And on Tuesday we were vacuuming the common area, and Kacchan just… He gave me his opinion about my Shoot Style. Alone, by himself, we were completely silent and he chose to talk to me and to give me advice.

I’m not saying he’s going to consider me his friend now, or whatever but it’s a start. At least it feels like it is.

———————————————

I’ve recently realized that the way that I choose which things are diary worthy is still a mystery to me.

I’ve been rereading some of the old ones, or even this one, and they mostly revolve around him. It’s concerning, at best.

Today something awful and beautiful happened (a thing that doesn’t concern him at all), so I’m forcing myself to write about it.

I started working with Nighteye as an Intern. This also meant working with Mirio. I haven’t mentioned him yet but long story short: he’s probably the best person I have the honor of knowing; A true Hero.

I got my first mission. Overhowl, a villain worse than Shigaraki probably, had a girl with him, Eri. Said he was his father… something that turned out to be a lie, obviously. We had to get her back. That was the mission: rescue the terrified girl that hugged me tight and begged me not to leave when I encountered them on the street.

The operative needed to be a big one, Overhowl is involved with Quirk-drug use and we didn’t know how many subordinates or allies could be there. Therefore, Nighteye called two other Agencies, the ones where the girls and Kirishima were interns.

Huh, I guess this does involve Kacchan in some shape or form.

I made my peace with Kirishima. He was an excellent partner in battle, everyone said so. And he wasn’t anything but kind to me so he clearly doesn’t have a clue that I’m secretly in constant competition with him. It’s me who's being ridiculous. So I’m growing up, I guess. That’s one good thing that happened today.

The beautiful thing that happened was that we got Eri back. She even helped us. Amazing quirk, the one she has. Destructive as hell though, she doesn’t know how to use it so it can be dangerous. But she instinctively used it to heal me while I used 100%. She’s the reason I’m alive and moving properly... How could someone that chooses to do that could be anything but a good kid? Try explaining that to the police and the doctors though, they’re running tests right now and Aizawa says we can’t Intervene.

Nighteye died. Mirio lost his Powers. Those are the terrible things that happened today.

I know I seem apathetic but the truth is that I keep objectively thinking that it should’ve been me. In both of those things.

I forced myself to write about it, because If I didn’t I would have told someone about it, and If I were to do that… Well, my mom taking me home again would be the least concerning thing. Hospitals, antidepressants (again) and fucking therapy. I hate therapy, it all comes back to my fear of rejection because my stupid dad left. I can’t even tight my shoes wrong by accident without it ending up being some sort of daddy issue

———————

The entry stops there. And at the same time that anger washes over him, as he rereads the part about Deku’s dad, his eyes come back to ‘antidepressants’.

When?

Why?

He forces himself to turn the page, trying to ignore a very clear voice inside his head whispering, hissing, how when and why-

He widens his eyes when he sees it. It’s a drawing. It’s him.

Until now there hasn't been any kind of drawing in the diary; which Katsuki has already found odd since Deku couldn’t go even an hour without sketching some random shit on whatever superficie he had available.

This isn’t like that though.

It is detailed, cared for, paced. He can tell.

It’s him, but it’s also Jiro.

The traces show them sitting on the couch of the common area, Jiro’s notes and music sheets all around them. Jiro looks like she’s making fun of someone on the opposite side of the room, whispering her private joke in Katsuki's ear. And Katsuki is-

Katsuki is laughing. He’s laughing so hard that his eyes are closed, and he looks so happy that it’s startling.

Deku saw this.

Deku saw this, remembered it, and took the time of carefully putting it inside of the diary. Not in a sheet that eventually got attached to the diary, no, in the actual pages of it. Like this was an entry by itself.

Under the drawing it read:

It’s in moments like this when I feel like I’m so blessed.

(Ps. They were making fun of poor Kaminari, I don’t know why)

A warm feeling spreads through his stomach. Something flips. It’s familiar, it’s addictive, and, most of all, it’s something precious because Katsuki thought that he had lost this forever. He doesn’t know if he wants to smile or cry.

He turns over the page.

—————————-

Does it mean something when you text with someone 24/7? Because I’ve never had any close male friends. Like ever. Except for Kacchan but we never texted…

Uraraka says that it’s not common. I don’t get it, I text her all the time. And when I told her that She said that sending us cat memes isn’t texting. What does she mean it isn’t, it takes me time to pick the meme.

I don’t know what’s wrong with texting or with talking with someone if I like to talk to them. I asked Shinsou if it bothered him and the conversation literally went like this:

-Am I annoying ?

~Like in life?

-Like because I text you all the time

~the fuck? No?

-oh

-good

~you’re such a fucking weirdo

And that was it.

That was it because there’s no problem and it’s not weird. It’s good to finally have someone to talk to. Uraraka is just jealous because I always send her the less funny cat memes and Shinsou gets the most funny ones AND texts.

—————————

It is weird. And Katsuki doesn’t like it.

It’s weird and he fears to keep on reading but then he remembers that Deku draw him and not stupid Shinsou. That has to mean something.

Katsuki can’t bear the fact that it might not mean anything. So it has to mean something.

——————————-

He plays drums. How could I forget that he plays drums?

Why is it so important?

—————————————

Eri is marveled by Kacchan. I shouldn’t be surprised since I’m fascinated by him most of the time.

She has a special connection with Mirio because of her rescue, and I guess with me too for the same reason… But with Kacchan is different.

We were playing outside. She likes it when I throw her up to the sky and catch her again, says she feels like she’s flying for a couple of seconds. Aizawa hates it. I know it because he always scowls a little more when Eri tells him that part of her day, but he can’t bring himself to say anything about it because Eri’s always smiling when she talks about it. So we do that, but we’re careful, I promise.

The point is that we were playing outside and Kacchan was with Kirishima and Kaminari, I don’t know, like five meters away from us. Kacchan was on ‘Sensei mode’ as I like to call it. That’s when he’s so committed to push you to be the best version of yourself, that he decides to take his own time and give you free lessons on how to be better. These opportunities are rare. They appear fleetingly and randomly and If you don’t realize it and turn him down then Kacchan will most likely never suggest it again. (I can’t say I experienced any, though I’ll certainly say yes If it ever presents itself.)

Katsuki can’t decide if he should feel flattered or fucking terrified that Deku knows so much about him. Even the things he never talked to anyone out loud. Then again, this is them they’re talking about, and Katsuki probably knows more about Deku than anyone else on this planet. So it’s mutual, he guesses.

I think it’s because Kacchan is so the opposite of me and Mirio that He caught Eri’s eyes in the first place. She stared at him while he corrected Kaminari’s posture and then he slapped the back of his head saying: ‘Do you want your chocolate cookies or don’t you? I can give them to Raccoon eyes, is no problem.’

And this the word to word conversation I had with Eri:

“Who’s that?”

“Which one?”

“The angry blond one” (which, you know, accurate description of Kacchan)

“That’s Kacchan, Bakugou Katsuki I mean, he’s the best of our class.”

“He’s awesome.” (And honestly, same Eri. Fucking same.)

She ran to him before I could stop her. Eri tends to do that since she’s been living with Aizawa. She’s not getting disciplined nor abused so there’s no need for her to control her impulses, if she wants to do something then she’s gonna do it.

And then this happened:

“Excuse me, Sir.” (The face that Kacchan made while hearing her calling him Sir. It’s so good to be alive sometimes. I’m even laughing again as I write this conversation.)

“Huh? What?”

“I think you’re awesome.”

Kacchan got so red, his cheeks were all puffy and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from commenting on that wholesome situation.

“Uh, ok…?”

“Oh, I’m making you uncomfortable. Sorry. I’ll go back to Zuku now.”

And then Kacchan looked at me, looked back at her, and he did something amazing. Because he’s amazing.

“Do you want to help me with these two idiots?” (Of course Kaminari and Kirishima started to complain, saying they were doing the best they could.)

“I’d love to! Zuku, look, I’m going to help Kac-…Kat? I’m sorry, I can’t remember your name.”

“Bakugou’s fine.”

And since that moment I have to share custody of Eri with Kacchan. I know for a fact that Aizawa can’t decide on who’s the worst influence on her. Probably me since he thinks I should go to therapy for my reckless behavior.

Can’t say I’m bothered about it. I’m ‘stuff’ about it and that makes me confused. Let me clarify: something happens to me when I see them playing but it’s definitely not something negative. The problem is that I can’t really identify what it is.

Under that there is another sketch. It’s him and Eri. It shows Katsuki helping her with her homework. Eri looks tired, looking at her book, and Katsuki is ruffling her hair with affection. It looks so domestic… And Deku had seen that, and again, chose to draw it in here.

Something flutters over Katsuki’s chest. His treacherous heart skips a beat. He can't help thinking that he knows very well what Deku is describing. Because he's seen it. He has lived it. That warm and cozy feeling he gets when he sees Deku with Eri. And he knows why that happens. Seeing him with Eri is like seeing this irrefutable proof that Deku is going to be an amazing dad one day.

And if Deku feels the same when he looks at him with Eri then-

No. He stops that train of thought before it gets too out of hand. He can't allow himself to unpack all of that right now. He has to keep on reading.

—————————————

We went bowling with the squad today.

I invited Shinsou too because he told me he’d never played before.

God. I don’t even know how to write this, my stupid had is shaking because of the adrenaline.

“No” Katsuki breathes out. “Shit. Don’t make me fucking read this. Not after the last entry, Nerd. Please, please-"

It started out fine, normal,(maybe Shinsou talked with me more than with the others but that was logical;I mean, we talk at least twice a day). And it’s not like it got weird. Not really. Not until we got back.

He said he didn’t want to get back with his friends yet, that some of them give him shit because he’s been closer with us lately (Which I know it’s true, we talked about it), so he offered to walk me to the dorms.

Uraraka, tsu, Iida and Todoroki were god knows where. The idiots spent the entire day leaving us alone, or making arrangements for us to sit together on the bus, or they made a stupid face like they were plotting something. At the time I couldn’t say what it was and now I’m fucking aware I know.

Katsuki is going to kill Round Cheeks. He just knows from reading the previous entries that this was all her.

Fuck her. Fuck Icy-hot, Glasses and Toad too for doing what she said.

Fuck Eye bags. Katsuki would like him to explode into a million pieces.

But most of all: fuck Deku for making him read this.

Is this the fucking message from the diary?

‘ I know how you feel about me so let me reject you in the worst way I could think of.’

He should stop reading, he really should. He already feels like he might just throw up his own heart.

But he has to know.

He has to.

He has to.

We were talking. He had asked me to sit on the bench next to the dorms to tell me something and next thing I know his lips are on mine.

“Jesus fucking Christ why am I reading this shit?”

And his hands are sweating a little too much. But his head is much clearer than when he had the panic attack…

He can’t bring himself to stop, and that’s the worst part of it all.

I don’t know what to say about it. I wish I could say I pushed him away and thought things through, because up until half an hour I didn’t even know I liked boys. I’m not even sure if I like boys or if it was the hormones or I don’t know whatever normal teenagers feel when they do this stuff.

It was so new.

My first kiss, right there and then.

I kissed him back, I couldn’t help it.

And now Katsuki is crying. He’s crying even though he knew this was coming. He’s crying because it fucking hurts.

It was addictive. Rougher than I thought? I’ve never imagined kissing boys so I don’t know if it was because Shinsou is a boy.

It didn’t last long. We separated, and Shinsou looked like his face was on fire.

I couldn’t even speak words. Sounds were the only thing coming out of my mouth. “Why” That was the first thing that came out of it.

Shinsou literally looked to me and said: “You’re a whole brand new kind of stupid, you know that?” Got up and left.

Today I had my first kiss and I just spent the last half an hour sitting on that bench ALONE.

I don’t know who pisses me more off: him or me.

Probably me.

I’m such a fucking idiot, who the hell doesn’t know what they like at 16? What the fuck

There.

If Katsuki needed some kind of confirmation that Deku and him haven’t been on the same page throughout the years, he has it now.

Because Katsuki cannot fandom a time where he didn’t know he liked boys,given that since he’d known what the word ‘pretty’ meant it has always been a synonym of Izuku.

So, if Deku hadn’t thought about it until fucking Shinsou appeared, then Katsuki and him were not on the same page.

Whatever.

Fucking whatever.

And just before he is about to turn over the page he sees it. There, on the bottom of the page, crossed out and separated of the main text, like it is something else entirely:

It felt wrong. I feel like a bad person. Why? Why do I feel like that time? Like my tongue burns and I need to say it. To tell him. Why do I need to tell him this we’re not even friends anymore

“Hope you’re talking about me, it’s the fucking least you can do after you put me through reading this garbage.” Katsuki says.

Even though he knows Deku can’t listen.

Even though the diary can’t listen.

(It hurts a little less to do so.)

Chapter Text

Katsuki's eyes flutter open. There's light but it feels late. His eyes shift to his nightstand and the diary is there. The page marked, waiting for him to open it again and resume what Katsuki could only describe as his fucking personal hell.

He doesn't understand why he had woken up in the first place. There's no alarm so why did he-

Knocking.

Someone is knocking.

"Bakugou?" It's Eri.

Katsuki doesn't know how to face her.

I'm sorry, I let him get away. Should've known he would pull something like this. I'm sorry-

"Bro, the kid really needs you."

And that is really all that he needed to gather the energy to get up and open up the door. It's a second too late when Katsuki wonders if this might've been their plan in the first place and he had fallen right into their trap.

That doesn't matter anymore because he sees Eri's face. She's scared.

"Hey, twerp"

"Hi,"

Silence. Then, Katsuki moves aside from the door. Eri doesn't ask, she just enters.

Kirishima looks relieved. At least he does until Katsuki shuts the door right on his nose. He can hear him say 'not cool,bro's but he can't bring himself to care enough to even reply.

Eri is standing on his bed, struggling to get the window open.

"What are you doing?"

"It stinks in here" She replies easily and sometimes Katsuki hates how blunt she is. He know his room stinks, he's been in here for more than 24 hours and barely left it to go to the bathroom because he didn't have a fucking choice.

She finally opens up the window and then she sits on the bed. Looking at him, waiting. Katsuki doesn't even ask because he knows what she wants so instead he just sits on the bed too, facing her.

"Are you going to get him back?" (Again, no tact whatsoever. Katsuki can relate).

"Yes."

"I'm going too."

"Nice try. Absolutely not."

"My quirk-"

"Underage."

"But what if-"

"Underage."

"Please, Just as backup-"

"Under-fucking-age, twerp."

"You're underage dumbass-"

"Oi, watch it. And I have my licence. So ha ha I win, end of story."

She pouts, and looks away. Katsuki knows better than to show any kind of concern when she's mad at him, it's better to change the subject completely. She beats him to it.

"He left me a letter," She says, and Katsuki can't help but to snort.

"Yeah, he seems to think that a stupid piece of paper is enough to excuse him. Fucking idiot." The fact that they're both holding the conversation looking absolutely everywhere but their eyes. Eri doesn't want to see his tears and Katsuki doesn't want to see hers.

Silence stretches between them. It’s heavy, full of unanswered questions and anger.

“Can I ask you something? No bullshit.” She says. Katsuki only hums in response.

‘No bullshit’ is their thing. A promise that Katsuki would always tell her the truth if she’d ask for it.

“Do you think he’s coming back?”

“I’ll bring him back even if he doesn’t want to, twerp” He answers easily, but Eri shakes her head.

“No. I meant-“ A sigh, her next words come out broken. “Even if you find him… Do you think-“ A tear rolls down his cheek. “He’s coming back, isn’t he?”

It takes a moment for Katsuki to actually understand what she’s asking. It takes another for him to realize that he never questioned this before.

In none of the scenarios that he had thought about, played inside of his head since the hospital, was there one where he would found him but Deku is already-

He’s crying again. And in front of the kid of all people. He should be making her feel safe, he should be brave for both of them. Instead he feels Eri’s hand on his, squeezing it gently.

“It’s okay. We have my quirk.” She says, and that just makes Katsuki sob again, because a goddamn seven year old thought this through even more than he had.

Useless. He’s just so fucking useless.

And Eri’s quirk just works when someone’s alive. So Katsuki has to get there on time. He has to.

It’s been more than 24 hours and they don’t have any kind of lead. God-fucking-damn it

“Baku…?” It’s Mina. Katsuki probably started to wail again without realizing it . He wishes nobody knew just how fucked up he actually is. Because look at him, just fucking look at him-

The door opens.

“Eri, hon, come.” She rushes her. “Denki will stay here with Baku,”

Katsuki can’t breathe. He wants to move, especially now that he knows that Deku’s life is on the line, but he can’t, he physically can’t. How had it not occurred to him that Deku could not be alive when he got to him. Just how does that gigantic fact just slips his mind-

“Bakugou.” Kaminari’s voice is calm. Really calm, not the kind of calm that Mina used before to speak to Eri (the false kind, he means), he’s genuinely calmed. “Talk to me.”

“Can’t” He replies, and it comes out choked before he’s hyperventilating again. The air comes in too fast and it doesn’t get to his lungs.

He can see Kaminari trying not to panic. His eyes are colored with worry but his face is blank.

“He asked me to take care of you, you know. I’m doing an awful job at it.”

He blinks.

“…what?”

Kaminari seems shocked and Katsuki doesn’t know why. Then he realizes that his breathing seems better. Air is actually getting in.

“My letter. He asked me to take care of you.”

Katsuki stares. Quiet, waiting. Feels like forever until Kaminari speaks again.

“I don’t know why he asked me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m honored, but I thought that the next one in the best friend category was Kiri, you know?”

Yeah, but Bakugou knows why Deku didn’t ask Kirishima. He’s read enough to understand it.

“He likes you.” Katsuki says instead.

Kaminari’s eyes seem to pop out of his head.

“What?” He squeaks.

The blond can’t help but to roll his eyes before throwing him his pillow.

“Not like that, you idiot.” He huffs. “Our group, my friends, he likes you more than the rest of them, he wrote it.”

Denki’s eyes shift to the diary right next to them.

“How’s that going?”

Katsuki groans before letting himself fall onto the mattress.

“That bad, huh?”

“No. Yes.” A sigh. “Half of the time it makes me want to dig up my own grave, crawl in there, and die.”

A beat.

“And the other half?”

Katsuki just looks at him. Kaminari just looks back.

“I think we’re way past you denying my- What was it that you called it? Hypothetical Romantic Undertone that’s not even there?”

Katsuki attempts to grab his pillow to put it over his head, but Kaminari puts his hand on it, stopping him.

God. He can’t believe they’re having this conversation.

“It’s not fucking romantic.” He mutters annoyed.

“How’s you being in love with him not romantic?”

And he groans again. He’s losing his patience. The only good thing is that if he’s angry, and annoyed, then he gets distracted and ,therefore, he doesn’t fucking cry.

“It’s not like I’ve chosen him or something! It came with me!”

“Who? Midoriya?”

“Yes! No-“ He groans again. “This” He tries to explain while gesturing randomly at his own chest. Denki blinks at him.

“…Your feelings for him?”

Katsuki almost chokes.

“Stop saying it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like that. Like it’s magical and a fucking blessing. It’s not, let me tell you, It’s a fucking nuisance.”

Silence (again).

“So what would you call it then? If it’s not ‘romantic’, ‘magical’ nor a ‘blessing’?”

He doesn’t miss a beat to reply:

“A fucking condition.”

Denki stares at him. Blinks. Then, He bursts out laughing.

“Oi, stop it! It’s not fucking funny-“ He says, but that seems to make him laugh even harder. “I’ll literally explode you to pieces, you fucking asked-“

“Y-you’re right-“ The boy tries but ends up cracking up again instead. “Jeez, sorry.” Katsuki arches an eyebrow when a snort escapes his lips again. “Ok, ok. I’m done, man. I swear.”

Katsuki's not pouting. He’s not.

“Why do you think that?” Pikachu asks. “That it’s a condition, I mean.”

“Because it is.”

“Elaborate on that,”

“No.”

A beat. Silence again. Deku’s words in the diary flash through his head. The jealousy. Kirishima.

There’s a reason. Katsuki just feels so guilty to voice it out loud. Like it's cheating (even when it's not). Like he owes Deku an explanation (even when he doesn't). He shouldn’t feel guilty, not when Deku kissed fucking Shinsou.

Well, fuck it. Kaminari knows and he’s willing to talk to him about this shit. Katsuki always figured that everybody knew to be honest, but the only one who had ever made a comment about the ‘Deku situation’ had been Denki. It started out with him casually calling him Kacchan, seeing just how much Katsuki would allow that to go on, and it just escalated from there.

“I liked Kirishima, at the beginning.”

Kaminari seems so surprised that the conversation it’s actually happening. That he didn’t even need to demand, or beg, for Katsuki to actually give him an explanation.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Tried to like him at least.” He adds, his hands playing with the pillow, trying to dry the sweat from them. “It’s useless. I can’t- I just can’t.”

Kaminari seems to want to comment on something but Katsuki doesn’t let him. He keeps on talking before he can stop himself.

“Maybe it’s not a condition, maybe it’s a fucking curse. I don’t know if I’m insane, or if this is just karma from all the shit that I’ve pulled.” Especially with him. “Then, again, this thing just came with me-.”

“You keep saying that,”

“‘Cause it’s true, Pikachu. Believe me.”

“So you always loved him,”

Motherfucker-

“That’s it, the word love is banned from this conversation.”

“Call it what you want, I’m not dropping this.” Kaminari cuts him short. “You’ve been in here for the last day and a half. Sero has forced us to let you be self-destructive for a while, saying you need it, but this is the first conversation you’ve been able to hold for more than fifteen minutes without crying. And you’re communicating, so I’m staying and you’re talking to me about this.”

Katsuki just looks at him.

“This is why he likes you,” It leaves his mouth before he can’t stop it. And now it’s there, and Kaminari is waiting for him to go on. “One would think that Kirishima is the one that’s most similar to him since he’s such a dork,” He can feel his lips morphing into a smile without meaning to. Then, he goes on. “But if I’m mean to Kirishima he gets upset. If I say that something is bothering me he respects my boundaries… You- Him, both of you, you just push, push, and push.”

“And that bothers you,”

“It’s fucking annoying, yes." He huffs. "I was just trying to explain why I think he gave you the babysitter job instead of giving it to Kirishima.”

A beat.

“So it 'came with you'?”

It takes a moment for Katsuki to realize what Denki’s doing. He’s not dropping the subject, but he is letting Katsuki get away with this one condition, the no ‘word love’ rule. It works, Katsuki hates that he’s so damn predictable.

"Something like that."

Kaminari waits for a second, it looks like he's deciding on what to say, how to say it, to avoid scaring Katsuki.

"...Since you were kids?" Denki ends up asking and Katsuki wants to scream.

'We're kids right now' He want to say. They're still kids, just kids, even though everyone keeps forgetting. They shouldn't forget. Deku shouldn't forget-

But, instead, this comes out of his mouth:

"Kindergarten,"

Because, yes, maybe Katsuki hadn't really realized it until much later in life, right before Middle School, but it was there. It's always been there. Right there, embarrassing him, making him act like a fool, being the punchline of a lot of jokes that his mom has made through the years, it's always been there and Katsuki feels like he didn't even have a choice in the matter. He had just been borned with this fluttery feeling inside of his chest whenever Dek- Izuku praises him, grabs his hand, looks at him with those damn eyes-

"Why haven't you told him?" He can hear Kaminari ask, and Katsuki just stares at him, arching an eyebrow. "Yeah, I know. It's a stupid question. I kinda listened to it when I said it,"

And maybe it's because he has lost every other ounce of dignity at this point, or maybe it's because Kaminari doesn't push for an answer, that Katsuki finds himself answering the question as honestly as he can:

"I don't like not getting what I want," He starts. "It frustrates me." He takes a deep breath, trying to ground himself. "If I try to do something, and it doesn't work out, then it's because I'm not good enough."

"Now that's just not-"

"But," Katsuki goes on, ignoring him. "If I never tried it, never worked for it, never gave it a shot… Then it's not my fault, it's just that I never tried it."

Kaminari stares at him, with such pity that it makes him sick.

They don't talk after that. Not about that, at least. Then, after a while Denki makes him promise he'll get out of there soon, and Katsuki just nods because he doesn't even have the energy to fight anymore.

It’s when Kaminari finally closes the door right behind him that he finds himself alone with the stupid Diary again. He groans.

“I really fucking hate you.” He says out loud.

Again, talking to what Katsuki can only describe as the ghost of Deku. The energy that surrounds that thing. He feels like he’s trapped in a horror movie for fuck’s sake.

And the truth is that Katsuki doesn’t want to read anymore if it’s going to be about how Deku fell for fucking Shinsou of all people. He doesn’t want to, but Deku asked this from him.

And, even though Katsuki likes to deny it, he’s always listened to what Izuku has asked from him. Maybe he kicks and screams, throws a tantrum in the process… But he always gives in.

Katsuki hates himself for it.

He grabs the diary, opens it on the marked page, the last entry he has read, and turns it over only to find that the next thing he has to read is not an entry per se but a handful of notes. Maybe it could be considered a list…

Katsuki feels like this is just Deku’s compulsive muttering translated into text.

WHAT IS MIDORIYA IZUKU’S SEXUALITY?

Options (after a ton of research):

*Straight (because apparently there’s people on the internet that say that you can experience and enjoy kissing and stuff with someone from you same gender without being queer.) ——>Let me doubt if they’re right or not please, it sounds really sus.

*Gay (because I could be experiencing compulsive heterosexuality and that’s why I find girls attractive too)———>Doesn’t explain my crush on Uraraka when I met her though. And none of my crushes in elementary/middle school. Some people say that you can even be in a relationship for years and experience comp-het but that confuses me even more, like how do you NOT KNOW

*Bisexual (Because it’s by definition the attraction to two genders or more, with a preference)————> I honestly don’t know.

*Pansexual (Because it’s by definition the attraction to people regardless of their gender) —————> LIKE YES(? Why the hell would I care about someone’s gender If they’re the best person in the world????? I don’t know because there’s people saying that it’s a biphobic term. I really don’t get how.

Katsuki can’t help but to snort. Definetely not straight, he thinks, considering that he can almost smell the Gay Panic coming out of the Diary. (Or bi, pan, whichever).

To think that his realization was so not this. At the time he didn’t even realize it was his “coming out” moment, he had been that young. The conversation he had with his old hag is still clear in his head:

He was eight. His mom had just gotten home from work. Katsuki was quietly eating his cereal, but apparently his frown was too obvious for it to be ignored.

“How was school, brat?”

Katsuki only frowned further. No reply. He didn’t want to reply.

“Did you fight with Izuku again?”

Katsuki puffed his cheeks, got all red, and started to talk with his mouth full of cereal.

“He’s just so dumb.”

“Katsuki!”

“He is!” He complained. “He has-“ But he stopped, never finishing the sentence.

“What?”

“Can’t tell you. You’re gonna tell Auntie and it’s a secret.”

Katsuki could see his mom biting the inside of her cheek. Like he had just said something funny.

“I promise I won’t say anything.”

He narrowed his eyes.

“Really?”

“Really. It’s between us.”

He considered for a moment or two, ate a little more cereal, but then he agreed.

“He has a crush on this dumb girl from the other class.”

Mitsuki arched an eyebrow.

“And why are you mad about it?”

Katsuki could feel the heat all over his face and his ears, as he tried not to look at his mom.

“I’m not mad about it!” Mitsuki just stared at him. “I’m not! I’m mad because he talks about her stupid braids all the time!”

“I see,” His mom replied and Katsuki was dying to ask what was she seeing ‘cause there was nothing to see.

“-And he doesn’t have any other friends but me, so he tells me everything about her. He’s being boring, boring and dumb, and when I told him that I think she’s just ugly he got mad-“ He was interrupted by his mom’s snort.

“That makes sense, you can’t say that.”

“Why not? She is.”

“‘Cause we don’t all like the same things, brat. And that applies to people too. Maybe someday you’ll like a girl that Izuku doesn’t find pretty at all, it’s normal.” She tried to explain.

Katsuki just pulled a face.

“But what if I think all the girls are ugly?” He asked.

Mitsuki blinked.

“All of them?”

“Yeah, all of them.”

“…Well, who do you find pretty?”

It happened so fast, like a reflex, the image of Deku’s face flashed through his mind. He looked away, cheeks, nose, and ears on fire.

“Nobody.” He muttered, moody.

A moment passed. Katsuki had just resumed eating the cereal when she broke the silence.

“Izuku, maybe?” She asked because why not.

“MOM.”

And Mitsuki’s laughter filled the room.

“You’re the worst!” He exclaimed before getting off the table. He wanted for his face to stop being so warm. And he marched off to his room.

“Oi, kid!” She said between laughter. “Wait! You’re just too cute-“ Another laugh. “Don’t worry I’m not gonna say-“ But Katsuki had stopped listening to her because he had shut his room's door.

And that had been it. He’s never had that uncomfortable talk of ’Mom, Dad; I’m gay’ or whatever. And he’s glad for it.

It feels so strange, given that he has never not known, to read Deku’s brainstorm about this.

I’m not going to revise my crushes on all the girls I had in my life. They felt real, to be honest, and all the docs about comp-het say that the ultimate proof is imagining you married, loving someone from the opposite gender… If you don’t feel uncomfortable with that then you probably do not have compulsive heterosexuality. It’s longer but whatever.

So let’s go with the most important part and we’ll go from there: Do I find Shinsou attractive? I don’t fucking know, that’s the whole point of this. Why am I so fucking stupid?

Things I like about Shinsou:

Katsuki can’t help but to gag a little. He has to be some kind of masochist to keep on reading this shit.

1. He always says what’s on his mind.

2. He says Hi to me. Everyday.

“What are you? Four?”

Like that’s so fucking hard. Katsuki could say Hi if he wanted to. He just doesn’t. It’s not like Deku has ever asked-

3. He's crazy smart. He has read things that I don’t even know how to pronounce.

4. He wants to be a hero. He’s determined to be one.

5. He’s taller than me. wow that came out of nowhere.

6. (Considering 5) He makes fun of me for being short. Pats my head like it’s cute.

Katsuki has to restrain himself from ripping off the page and lighting it on fire. This is torture. That’s the only reason that Deku has left him this Diary, he wanted to make Katsuki suffer.

7. He has a fucked up sense of humor. (He says it’s because of trauma)

8. He’s quiet or he’s loud. There’s no middle ground.

And he almost misses it… Right by the end of the sentence, it looks like a very aggressive doodle but it’s not. Under the lines there’s a word, a name. He holds his breath.

8. He’s quiet or he’s loud. There’s no middle ground.KACCHAN??

What?

What.

He blinks, clears his vision. Re-reads it.

It’s still there. He feels like his heart is trying to jump off of his chest.

He crossed it out. There’s a reason, the voice inside his head says. Because, apparently, Katsuki can’t even enjoy things.

9. His mean smirk.

10. His eyes. They always look tired but unbothered.

11. His Attitude. (We watched Avengers the other day at the dorm and He reminds me of Tony Stark so much)

12. His voice. Sometimes it sounds smooth and quiet and makes me want to listen to him all day.

That last part feels like a personal attack. Or it’s even worse, because when Deku wrote this he wasn’t thinking that Katsuki would ever read it… So he genuinely likes Eye Bags’ voice for those exact reasons.

It’s not like Katsuki likes to yell all the time, okay? He tries not to. Sometimes. He just has trouble keeping the conversation in a low voice, or whispering. At some point there’s something he doesn’t listen to or he misses. And he doesn’t want to miss things that people say, he tries not to. Especially with Deku.

(His old hag has been nagging him to get his ears tested but he hasn’t found the time yet. And how could he if he’s always in class, or getting kidnapped or running after Deku’s ass.)

And now he reads this, and he can’t help but to feel just so unattractive.

He closes the Diary again. He can’t with this, not right now. It’s too much.

It’s too goddamn much.

Katsuki doesn’t even bother to change out of his pajamas before he gets out of his room. He’s just going downstairs for a bit.

Maybe he should eat something. He hasn’t eaten since yesterday.

He should definitely eat something.

He doubts when he’s about to press the button on the elevator. His finger unconsciously falls into the 2. Deku’s room.

No.

No.

His finger moves again, presses the one that takes him to the common area.

He must look like a goddamn zombie, he figures, or a ghost, since literally everyone turns around to see him when he approaches. Worry written all over their faces.

Katsuki hates it with his entire being.

He scans the room, force of habit, he guesses, since he’s always done it to look for Deku. And now Deku isn’t there, so his eyes wander around the room, not stopping anywhere in particular.

Not stopping anywhere in particular until they do. Until they see him. Until Katsuki sees him. He stops dead on his tracks.

His brain short-circuits when he sees Shinsou talking with Icyhot and Round Cheeks right by the couch.

Katsuki blinks. Once, twice.

’He looks too unaffected’, he can’t help to think.

He looks too unaffected for someone who supposedly says Hi daily to Deku. And, yes, Katsuki knows he hasn’t finished that damn Diary so he doesn’t really know whatever the hell went down with Shinsou and Deku but-

But he feels it in his core; a hunch, so solid inside his chest that it weighs him.

His feet are moving.

"Bakugou!" Someone yells, he doesn't stop to think whether it's Kirishima or Sero.

He launches onto Eye bags before he knows it.

"Fuck" He hears him complain as he tries to get Katsuki off of him, failing. There's no way he can beat Katsuki, much less in this state. "Get the fuck off-"

But Katsuki pins him down even harder against the floor. Restraining both of his arms against his back with one hand, keeping his legs still with his body weight, and with his free hand he pats him down, looking for it. It has to be here.

Someone tries to move him, Katsuki dodges their hands easily.

"I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you found out."

His free hand abandons its task to shove Shinsou's stupid face into the floor. Hard, fast.

‘Fuck off’ He wants to tell him but he’s well aware that the moment he answers it he’s gonna get Brainwashed. Instead he just tightens his grip.

"What, Blondie? Touchy subject?"

And it's his smirk, his cocky attitude, it's the fact that Katsuki knows that those things are things that Deku described as attractive on this bastard but not on him.

The insult is at the tip of his tongue-Don’t. He bites it to keep himself from talking back.

Then, he resumes his search, feeling his classmates' eyes on him. Finally he finds it, inside the pocket of his hoodie. He grabs the cellphone, puts it in front of the fucker's face to unlock it, gets up (not before pressing Shinsou into the floor some more, just to make him hurt a little more), and starts going through it.

Scroll.

Scroll.

Not here.

Not here either.

"Bro, you're acting insane."

Katsuki doesn't reply. He just keeps on scrolling. Then, he stops for a minute, looks at Todoroki, Uraraka and stupid Iida and says:

"He's out there and you're not even looking for him right." Some fucking friends, honestly. And he goes back to his task.

Uraraka's high pitched voice resounds all over the room.

"He doesn't know either! You think we didn't ask?"

Katsuki snorts. It could be funny if it weren't so fucking sad the fact that they don't know Deku at all.

"He's talking to him." He says, maybe yells, he's lost the register of his own voice. "Isn't he, Eye bags?"

The purple-haired bastard just raises his eyebrows, bored.

"Does it even matter what I tell you?"

He doesn't even bother in reply, he just keeps going through his phone.

"Bakugou, stop it." Mina hisses, walking towards him but Kaminari grabs her arm.

"Don't."

"What? He's-"

"He's looking for Midoriya" Denki states.

"Are you kidding? We already talked with Shinsou-kun! Of course we did-"

"Uraraka-san is right, Shinsou has even offered to help." Glasses adds.

Stupid. So stupid and fucking useless. All of them.

Doesn't matter. Katsuki can find him on his own.

Then, he sees it. In a folder inside of another folder. The little blue and white icon. Why would he have Discord hidden if it weren't for the fact that he has something to hide in the first place? So he opens it.

There's a couple of inactive servers. None of them have notifications nor recent conversations, so that's not it. There is, though, right on the corner, above the other servers, a black icon. Please.

It's a private conversation. Not more than two messages. Shinsou seemed to have sent a 'Hi' at like 1 a.m and this other nameless person had replied 'Hey :) ttyl'.

It could be anyone.

It could be anyone, but Katsuki's hope doesn't let him be realistic.

"Jirou," He tries, his voice strained.

"Yeah?"

"Can you track a Discord call to get an address?"

Murmurs, whispering, start around the room. Round Cheek's fucking disbelieving eyes are on him. See? I'm better. I'm the best., he thinks to himself, trying to ignore that venomous voice inside of his head that keeps repeating that it could not be Deku at all-

"I- No"

His chest feels heavy. He's so tired of this. He's almost about to cry again when she speaks.

"I can only get the IP. It's not the exact location of the computer/phone but it’s as much as I can get."

Everything stays quiet. And if the way that Shinsou's eyes shift is anything to go by, then there's a fucking chance that Katsuki's right. Holy shit there's a chance .

"That's enough for me.”

And Jirou doesn’t need to hear him su another word because she’s almost running to get her laptop.

Times passes by too fast and too fucking slow while she prepares everything.

Everyone is talking. Some of them are saying they should call the teachers before doing this. Katsuki would rather be dead than wait another fucking second without hearing his voice.

If it’s him.

A hand over his shoulder stops his train of thought. Who the fuck-

“Bro, I know you’re really sure about this but, well- You just got out of your room, you know?”

Katsuki frowns.

“So?” He demands and it comes out a little too harshly to be directed at Kirishima. He realizes as soon as the redhead flinches.

“Kiri means that even if this doesn’t work we can still find him okay? Don’t lose hope-“

“It’s ready,” Jirou declares, and suddenly there’s nothing more important than that call.

He’s about to press the call button on the right corner of the screen when he decides to speak up.

“I wouldn’t if I were you.” Shinsou says, and Katsuki wants to scream at him.

He wouldn’t? He wouldn’t? What the fuck does that mean?

It's a trap. Again, if he responds he could get Brainwashed. So he shows him the middle finger instead, before he resumes his task.

Jirou is nodding, confirming that he can, that everything is in place. He takes a deep breath even though the air enters his lungs in a shallow, almost non-existent, way.

He presses the button. He waits. His heart feels like it might combust from all this want. His desperate need to be right. The call ends before it even begins.

He takes the phone off his ear and looks at it confused.

“What happened?” Todoroki asks.

Katsuki is abou to reply when he sees it. ’CEO of no username ideas is typing…’.

“Bakugou?” Kaminari tries.

“Just, all of you, shut up for a minute.” He snarls. He can’t with all of this. With trying to stop his hand from sweating too much, of calming his heart that seems to be going too fucking fast for it to be healthy, of-

CEO of no username ideas

Hey. What’s up

Can’t talk.

ᴇɴᴅ ᴍᴇ
Pick up
It’s urgent

CEO of no username ideas is typing…

Katsuki wishes he would stop feeling so damn nervous. Did he already give himself away? Do they have a code for this kind of situation? An hour to call?

Is this really Deku?

He can’t even finish panicking because the phone’s ringing.

He lifts his eyes and Jirou is already looking at him, gesturing that she’s ready. Let’s fucking go.

He accepts the call, puts the phone on his ear and waits.

“Is it UA?” It’s him. It’s really him. His voice sounds so concerned. Alert. Katsuki can’t breathe. He wants to reply that yes, It’s UA. It’s UA without him. He has to come back now. “Toshi?”

Son of a bitch that hurts.

Toshi.

They have fucking nicknames. Goddamn it.

He can hear people moving around him,cornering him, so he takes a step back. He’s fine. He’s fucking fine. He can do this.

At some point he lets out the air he’s been holding.

Deku’s breath hitches. Katsuki feels his blood freezing over.

“Kacchan?”

Fuck.

“Deku.”

Jirou’s typing like crazy. Momo is gesturing right behind her that Katsuki should keep talking, keeping Deku on the line, for as much as he can.

“I’m hanging up. You shouldn’t have called. I’m sorry-”

“Don’t you fucking dare.”He snarls at the phone. “Don’t”

“I’m not going back. It’s unsafe. There’s civilians there. There’s you-”

“Me?” He asks a little too fast, a little too desperate.

Silence. A beat. Jirou's gesturing that she needs more time.

“…You know what I mean. You as in all of you. 1A. Well, technically 2A now.”

“And your precious Eye Bags too.” He spits out. Too obvious. Too fucking obvious. Where’s his dignity? Everyone is there just listening while he makes a scene.

Silence.

“Have you even finished reading the diary?” The bastard has the nerve to ask.

“Yes,”

Another gesture. ‘Keep it going’.

“Hurry up” The mouths back.

“ No, You didn’t, because you’re talking about Toshi instead of the major point of it.”

His right eye ticks the way that only Deku causes it to tick.

“The major fucking point of it is you being the personification of stupidity.”

“Charming, Kacchan”

It’s unbelievable, just how fast they can fall back in their little bickering routine. It hazes his mind, blurs his goal, because he just misses him. The anger, the betrayal, the guilt, and even the jealousy, feels minuscule, insignificant, compared with what he needs from him. Or wants. Katsuki has never been good at differentiating what he needs from what he wants.

Somebody snaps their fingers a couple of times. The noise is annoying. When he turns around, he finds Jirou pointing to the computer like crazy, smiling like an idiot.

Holy fuck they did it. It actually worked.

He needs to keep it cool. As far as he knows, Deku doesn’t have an idea of what has been going on behind the scenes of this call. Katsuki needs to keep it that way so Deku stays where he is.

He can’t lie.

The next thing he says comes out a little broken and he hates himself for it.

“Come back, Deku.”

“No.”

“Fucking-“

“Where’s Toshi?” The little brat has the guts to ask. Or maybe he wants to hurt Katsuki more than he already has. He’s not about to give him the satisfaction.

“Who?” Katsuki asks. If he wants to ask for Eye Bags then he can keep the stupid nicknames to himself-

“You’re so difficult.” An exasperated sigh. “Well I’m deleting this account now, so you tell him that.”

And the line goes dead before Katsuki says goodbye. Before Deku says goodbye. Again.

He’s barely taking the phone off his ear when his hands start to pop. Stop it. Control it.

It’s Kirishima who takes the phone off of his hand as fast as he can.

Katsuki’s eyes are burning but he’s not crying this time. Not after that.

“So what do we do?” Round Cheeks is the first to ask. “Go to the teachers? The pros?”

Glasses is already nodding, asking Jirou to send him a screenshot of the IP location so that he can go talk to them.

“No,” Katsuki snarls. “They’re just gonna stop us. And if they go it’s going to be flashy as hell and he’ll see it from a mile away.”

And then, it happens.

“Tell us what to do, Bakugou” Kaminari says.

Katsuki blinks.

Todoroki just nods his way. The way he’s always done to Deku when he has a plan, with so much confidence and trust.

And then he realizes the entire class is looking at him.

He’s never been on this side before. He’s always been on the other side, with the rest of them, looking at Deku, waiting for his orders, right there in the first row of it all.

He wants to tell them the truth. ’I don’t know, I only blow shit up’. But they’re all looking at him, expectant.

“For now,” He starts and sets his eyes on Shinsou. “Make this shit for brains talk. Deku’s deleting the account so there’s no need to keep any more secrets, got it?”

The bastard just stares at him.

“Got it?”

A very bratty eye-roll, a twist of his mouth.

“Only if I’m going too.”

Katsuki sees red.

“You’re not in a place to negotiate shit.” He turns to Todoroki. “Take care of this,”

Then, he starts to walk off of there.

“Where are you going?” Mina asks.

“To take a fucking shower.” Katsuki yells, almost out of the room.

He can hear a couple of his dorks cheering. He has to bite the corner of his lip to keep himself from smiling. They’re so fucking stupid sometimes.

And when he’s inside of the elevator, pressing the button for the 4th floor, he feels like he can take on the world.

It’s the adrenaline.

It’s the possibility of seeing him again.

Let’s fucking go.

Chapter Text

He's clean, he has already eaten. Downstairs, Todoroki is taking care of Eye Bags since Katsuki doesn't want to see his face more than he already has; now he's standing right in front of that goddamn notebook from hell.

"Have you even finished reading the Diary?"

"Yes,"

"No, you haven't 'cause you're talking about Toshi instead of the major point of it."

He groans. His right eye ticks again.

"Fuck it," Katsuki says and opens up the Diary again.

Uraraka says I'm a coward. I'm not. I just don't know how you just stand in front of someone and go: "Hey, I think I like you (key word think) , I'm not sure though so would you care to make out with me some more?" If I were in Shinsou's place I would punch myself right on the spot.

Imagine that I don't like it. What then, huh? He would be so mad and with reason.

He doesn't even need to keep on reading to know that that was not how it went down between them. Not with that fucking nickname. And, yes, Katsuki is still on that. How could he not be? The only person that has been nickname worthy (up until now), has always been Katsuki. Not Iida, not Todoroki, not even Uraraka; just Katsuki.

Kacchan.

But now there's also Toshi.

Katsuki fears that the Diary is just the explanation as to how Shinsou had became Toshi, someone that actually got the privilege of keeping on talking with Deku after he left UA. And, maybe, just maybe, he fears that this stupid diary is also the explanation as to how Kacchan has become someone that only gets a letter and some notebook as a goodbye… How, maybe, he has gone from Kacchan to Katsuki. (God forbid he ever goes from Kacchan to Bakugou, Katsuki would rather die).

____________________

(No, I still haven’t talked to Shinso. Yes, it’s been three days.)

———————————-

So this hasn’t anything to do with Shinsou but I need to write this because It’s in moments like this when I want to scream at his face because he’s the most ridiculous being on the entire planet ask him what the hell his deal is.

Kacchan has been, I don’t know how to explain it, just… around? And the only reason that he’s around is because he’s seeing me worried about something. I hate him it when he does this.

Because he’s never going to admit that he’s worried about me. He’s never going to actually talk to me and fucking ask about what’s on my mind. No, he just walks around me, fucking pretends like he’s not listening to my conversations when I know he is because of the way his shoulders move and how he stops for a second while he’s eating when I answer to Uraraka

I hate that I still care. I hate that I see him react this way and take it as a sign that he still cares.

Katsuki sighs. Of course he noticed it. Of- fucking-course.

And yesterday he made

I JUST KNOW IT WAS ON PURPOSE AND FOR ME, OKAY? HE CAN NOT KEEP ACTING LIKE IT WAS SOME RANDOM SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE

He doesn't even like katsudon

I just want to ask what the hell is he so afraid of, Jesus fucking Christ.

"Well, for starters I hate feeling vulnerable," Katsuki comments (to the fucking air). "But you already know that, you fucking bastard."

He traces the angry lines over the texts, the ones that Katsuki supposes made Deku so angry with the situation that he just wanted to stop reading them all together. Because Deku writes like he thinks, as he thinks. The same way that he rants, talks, mumbles, all at the same time that his brain is working.

"And considering that I ended up cooking your stupid favorite food only for you to end up calling Eye Bags Toshi, then I kinda had a point. Fucking asshole,"

—————————

We had an exercise against class 1B today. A lot of things happened.

I guess I'm forcing myself to write that unlocking Black-whip was the most important one. And the fact that I'm even wording it that way just speaks for itself. Something triggered it. I know what It was, even though I told All Might and Kacchan that I didn't but I can't understand why it was that I don't want to deal with that for now.

Katsuki frowns. So he knew? He re-reads it to be sure. And looking for a deeper explanation he scans the next paragraph but it changes the topic completely.

It changes the topic but Katsuki can't help the smile that takes over his whole face. His heart is going two hundred miles an hour.

Second thing: Kacchan was amazing today. He saved Jiro. I saw it. It was amazing incredible awesome marvelous
It was breathtaking.

Tried to tell him afterwards; he didn't let me. I tried not to get too stuck on the fact that Kirishima was allowed to say it but I wasn't. I know I said I was over this, and most days I am. It just hurts, sometimes.

His smile is still in place. Breathtaking. That was the word Deku used. Breathtaking, because the other crossed out adjectives wouldn't cut it to this wonderful human being's standards. No, he settled on breathtaking-

And maybe it was a good thing that Katsuki didn't let him say it at the time because he might've just died right there and then.

His eyes move to the next paragraph,

I've finally got answers about Shinsou,

"Fuck. Why?" He asks, because the real question actually is: why can't he feel happy for more than two seconds?

I've finally got answers about Shinsou, it.. It was enlightening.

He participated in the exercise. They were trying to make an "entrance exam" for the hero course. He didn't pass it. He had to play for two different teams, won the one he played for 1A but lost the one where he had teamed up with 1B.

He went up against me in the second one. That's when Black-whip happened. And then I went all psycho Uraraka had to pull me out of it, Shinsou too.

There was this moment, I was about to give up but I couldn't allow myself lose not after fucking Momona said that not with Kacchan watching.

Katsuki's breath hitches. He feels like his heart might leap out of his chest. He doesn't want to keep on reading because he knows that Deku is about to talk about Shinsou and he doesn't want to lose this feeling.

So I snapped out of it and, I don't know, my body moved on its own. I threw myself onto Shinsou, pulled his scarf (he uses one that's the same as Aizawa's) and maneuvered it in a way that wouldn't let him have an opening. I pinned him down the floor, my leg over his shoulder.

He looked

I felt

He was looking at me like

How could I ever thought I was straight Jesus fucking Christ. I finally understand what I've felt with

I definitely like him.

"With what?" Or who, Katsuki can't exactly tell. And if the answer is fucking IcyHot he might just blast him to pieces.

And Deku likes Shinsou. It shouldn't come as such a surprise to Katsuki but he finds himself feeling his chest heavy all the same.

__________________

I talked to Shinsou after class today. I tried to be as clear as I could about where I stand with all this. I told him that I like him and that I don't know if I'm ready for anything serious, that this all feels very new and I'm still figuring things out. Didn't tell him anything more because I don't fucking know what the hell does this all mean and I just

He said that he likes me too, that much is obvious. And that If I'm cool with it we could try hanging out (which means dating in a chill kind of way, at least that's what Uraraka said it means) and see where that takes us.

So I guess that's it, we're gonna see where it goes from here.

If it goes really well then I will not have to deal with the other shit.

What other shit, goddamn it. It would be nice if Deku would stop narrating like a cryptid bastard.

__________________

So we got a system. Uraraka covers for us most of the time, sometimes Todoroki too (I know better than to ask Iida, he would freak out). Since Shinsou is in General he sleeps in other dorms but after curfew we meet outside, right in the middle of both dorms and then we hang out outside.

We've kissed another couple of times. It's fun, he's fun, I really like him.

Katsuki vaguely traces the edges of the pages that he still has to read with his fingers. Seems like a lot. (A lot for it to be about this shit.)

But here's the thing: Katsuki lives for those snippets of Deku's thoughts about him. He most definitely will endure reading about Eye Bags if it means to read those little fleeting thoughts too.

__________________

Can you believe that he literally had his licence for about JUST AN HOUR and he ended up saving civilians? Is he even real? It makes me so fucking mad how perfect he is and so fucking arrogant who even does that, anyone would wait for the pros. He didn't even have his full suit, he was in uniform, I saw him on tv.

Did he-

Katsuki blinks before reading it again.

Perfect.

It has to be about him. It has to because Todoroki didn't have anything from his suit while Katsuki had the gauntlet. It has to.

We threw a surprise party for him and Todoroki, since they were the only ones left for the entire 1A to get our licences.

I was so excited. He ended up yelling at me to stop looking down on him because I told him that "now we can do Hero work together". I can't even begin to explain how ridiculous it sounded.

And of course all his friends were allowed to congratulate him.

Fuck him. I'm texting Shinsou. I'm not staying up here while he has his stupid sleepover with his real friends.

YES I'M AWARE OF HOW THAT SOUNDED OKAY? I JUST CAN'T KEEP ON FEELING LIKE THIS

When I make out with Shinsou I don't think. It's like my natural anxiolytic.

The amount of nausea that Katsuki is experiencing. He doesn't know if he'll be able to stomach if Deku describes whatever he does with Eye bags as something more than making out. He doesn't even want to think about what making out entails.

_________________

We started in Endeavour's agency. Kacchan, Todoroki and me. It's… It's been really something.

He kind of reminds me of Kacchan. I try not to make the connection because I know how much he's hurt Todoroki and his entire family... But the way he speaks about reaching your highest potential, highest speed, highest precision and strength… Because at the end of the day if you're less than your best you just don't get to save anyone. Well, that really sounds like Kacchan. You gotta win to save. That's just the way the world works. No villain, accident or catastrophe is going to stop just because you're trying your best. It's not enough to try, you have to be the best.

God I sound just like him. I'm trying not to overanalyze this but I just feel it in my bones and it scares me to fucking death to admit it

That last past is almost unreadable. So many lines, one over the other, almost piercing the page. Black ink accumulated over the letters, trying to hide them, but Katsuki is reading every single bit of the Diary like it's the only thing that matters in the whole world. Nothing is going to go unnoticed, not when he's reading it, not when it was Deku who wrote this.

"What was going on with you, nerd?" Katsuki asks, again, knowing that no one is going to answer. "What scared you so damn much?"

And the last part it's the real riddle of it all, because Deku has always been the most brave (borderline suicidal) person he's known in his entire life. So if something was scaring him to the point he couldn't, no, didn't even want to say it in a private diary then-

______________

I'm seeing Toshi almost everyday after we get from the agency. (Yes, we've reached the point where calling him Shinsou has become ridiculous.)

It just blurted out from my mouth while we in a particular and he liked it so…

"I hate you so much right now."
Katsuki spits out, his voice trembling. “Fuck you. I can’t-“ He adds because it’s the truth. He can’t. He feels the nausea dancing on his tongue, making him gag.

His mind is filled with all this versions of what could have they been doing for Deku to just blurt out that fucking nickname. They flash through his mind like this endless amount of possibilities. His head hurts, his body hurts, his chest hurts. And he’s crying again, even though he promised himself he wouldn’t anymore.

He kicks the diary and it ends up on the floor.

“Fuck this.” Katsuki says but his hands are itching with the compulsive need to pick it up and keep on reading. “I know that I’m not good, okay? I know,” His voice is shaking, trying to keep the words in but he can’t, he needs to- “I know I’m not a good person. I’m fucking aware and I know that everyone thinks so to, even my friends.” A sigh comes out, tired and just broken. “But I’ve never- Jeez, Deku. I never thought you would think so too.” There, the truth is out. “I’ve never thought you would actually want to fucking hurt me because of it either. And it hurts . I hate to think about him touching you-“

Did he. Did he fucking touch Deku.

His hands are sweating too much.

Toshi. And the mere thought that it could have been said in whispers or breathed out after-

No.

Fuck no.

Katsuki is trying to list down on his head all the reasons he has to not grab that stupid cursed diary again. He finds himself looking at it on the floor regardless, and then-

“What the-“

It’s open.

It’s open and there’s drawings of Katsuki. Not the ones he’s seen, others, more. It seems compulsive. Like Deku couldn’t help but to draw him. Two whole pages, at least ten tiny Katsuki’s and one in the middle of both pages, taking up almost all the space on them. And then he notices it.

He moves to take the diary into his hands once more, careful not to lose the page, and traces the lines on it.

The little ones, scattered all around the main one, are a bunch of things he does on a daily basis. He eats, he drinks tea, he yells, he rolls his eyes. He also looks bored while playing with his pen, can’t use a tie for the life of him, does tiny explosions with his hand, looks at them as they seem to sparkle, when he's bored.

The main one. The main one Katsuki knows It's a memory. He’s looking over his shoulder, pissed off but still trying to keep his cool, daring and judgmental eyes, pursed mouth. His shoulders, arms, and neck are awfully detailed, contrasting to the black tank top he’s wearing… It’s a drawing from Ground Beta. That night.

He looks better than he’s ever seen himself. His aura with a mixture of ethereal and doomed. Feels like he’s looking at a distorted mirror. Does-

Does Deku see Katsuki like this?

…Maybe he should finish it.

Maybe.

(He’s not coming back to that fucking page, though. Not ever.)

I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, but working with Kacchan at the Agency is everything I've ever great. He's great (but that's not exactly news).

Todoroki is also a great partner. Mostly when he's not on his personal mission to be even better than his father and actually listens to what Endeavor is saying.

______________

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it. All Might is helping me train and now we're focusing on me getting the grip of Black-whip.

Kacchan is helping too, since he's the one who knows about my quirk. We've made up an exercise called Catch-A-Kacchan (the name speaks for itself).

Between the extra training and the Agency I'm seeing Toshi less and less everyday. Unless we sacrifice sleeping hours (which often we do) but it's beginning to feel like too much to handle…

(At least that's what I'm telling myself that is happening.)

Anticipation rumbles inside of Katsuki's chest.

Please.

Please.

He knows it's a very shitty thing to do, to wish that this is actually the beginning of the end of this relationship Deku has (or if Katsuki's lucky had) with Eye bags.

There's never dates to the entries so he doesn't have a way of being sure about how much time has passed since the kiss to this (especially since he has skipped a few pages) but Katsuki guesses it may be a month or so.

He also doesn't want to know what the hell they have done during that month.

________________

Eri asked me who's my best friend today.

The name of Kacchan was at the tip of my tongue.

Katsuki blinks.

Yes.

Of course.

Of course they're best friends. In their fucked up way, twisted, complicated and kind of broken, sometimes. But it's always been the same, Katsuki pushes Deku away and Deku pulls him towards him again.

I had to force myself to reply that Uraraka and Iida are. It doesn't matter if we're better now... We haven't had that conversation where we decide where we both stand right now, and to be honest I don't think that Kacchan wants to have it.

"Damn right," He huffs.

And I don't exactly know if I want to hear the answer either. Not when I
Fuck I feel like

Something is really bothering him. Deku still hasn't said what and it's starting to give Katsuki the creeps.

___________________

I know I haven't written in a while. There's been too much going on. I don't even have the strength to write about it nor the fucking time.

And I don't want to either. Feels fucking pointless to write down my life like somebody is going to give an actual fuck. Not even K Not even my stupid diary.

Katsuki's heart squirms in pain as he traces de crossed out K.

"I'm sorry," His voice breaks a little. "I should've noticed it was this bad."

Because it was clear that Deku stopping to write was a sign of- Well, of how much shit was going on in his head.

"I'm sorry."

______________________

I broke up with Toshi. I couldn't do this to him anymore.

He tried to tell me that he doesn't care or whatever but I know he does and I know he expects this whole thing to change and I can't. I know It's not going to happen.

I'm crying. I'm so sick of crying.

Katsuki stares at the entry. Blinks. Re-reads it.

That was it? They had broken up because Deku was feeling like shit? Eye Bags didn't even fight him on this? If it were Katsuki in his place he would've refused whatever nonsense he had made up as an excuse and that would be it. Like hell Deku would've been able to push him away like that.

Even now, when Deku has dropped out from UA because he thinks he can do this alone, because he thinks he has the fucking right to decide up to what extent their loyalty to him can go. Up to what extent he allows it to go… And Katsuki just isn't having any of it. He's going to drag his ass back home where it's safe.

Because that's what Deku needs. And he probably needed Shinsou too if he still took the fucking time and bother to leave him a way of contacting him.

Shinsou doesn't fucking deserve Deku if he couldn't even do that for him.

_________________

I can't stop thinking about him. I hate this.

_________________

That's it, that's the entire entry.

"Then why the fuck did you break up," Katsuki huffs, fed up with reading this shit.

If the next entry is about how much Deku misses Shinsou he might just burn the diary to ashes.

(And maybe cry but that's beside the point.)

He dares to flip the page over only to find the two pages drawing he saw when the diary fell over.

He flips another and it's one of Katsuki and Eri on the swings.

He turns over to another and it's Katsuki cooking something, his back turned.

Another and it's an explosion with a silhouette inside of it that he dares to guess it's also him.

Another and it's his eyes.

His mouth.

Phrases he's said, scribbled all over the page, compulsive and borderline insane.

Another page and it's a sketch of two little boys playing, running. One with messy hair and freckles right behind this spikey haired one who wore a gigantic smile on his face.

Katsuki blinks.

It's them.

He feels a warmth spread over his chest and he thinks he might just cry but not in a bad way. Definitely not in a bad way.

And there, under the drawing, with beautiful handwriting, cared for (not like the last entries):

Sonnet XVII

or I love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz
or arrow of carnations that spread fire:
I love you how certain dark things love each other,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you like the plant that does not bloom and bears
hidden within itself, the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love live dark in my body
the tight scent that rose from the earth.

I love you without knowing how or when or where
I love you directly without problems or pride:
that's how I love you because I don't know how to love otherwise,

but in this way that I am not and are not,
so close that your hand on my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes are closed with my dream

(P. Neruda)

Katsuki feels like he's floating.

It can't be real.

Did he-?

Deku can't-

Izuku can't. Katsuki doesn't deserve it. He's rotten.

He's rotten but god he wants this to be true so much. He has wanted Izuku for himself since-

All he had to do was ask. Why didn't he?

And then he understands. He finally understands everything. It's not that Deku knows and wants to hurt him. It's not that he knows and ignores it because he's not interested. It's not even that Deku knows, feels the same and he's playing martyr, choosing to remain alone, choosing to not do anything about it for the war or some nonsense-

Deku doesn't-

Izuku doesn't know. He doesn't have a clue about how Katsuki feels about him.

Katsuki turns over the page, his heart seems to be slamming itself to his chest.

Last entry; tear stains everywhere.

_____________

He saved me and almost died in the process.

I'm crying so much right now.

Not just because of him but everyone. This is my fucking fault. I can't keep on asking them to fight my battles. Even if it's not really on purpose it's what ends up happening.

I've never been so fucking scared in my whole life, maybe when he was kidnapped.

"I was scared too, and you wouldn't wake up so,"

I love him so much. He's gonna hate me for this. I can't have him hating me again. It hurts too fucking much But I have to do this.

If something another thing happens to him because of me I might just die.

And on the bottom of the page, after the entry, ink messed up from the tears:

Kacchan,

If you've read all of this; I'm sorry.

I love you. More than it even fits in my body.

There, I said it.

It feels awfully freeing to be able to say it. Guess that years of bottling up feelings would do that to a person.

(Again) I love you,

Dek Izuku.

How dare he.

How fucking dare he.

How dare he say I love you for the first time through a fucking piece of paper-

Fuck no.

He's going to drag his ass back.

Back home.

Back to Katsuki.

Chapter Text

Someone knocks on his door and Katsuki hurries to close the diary and secure it under his pillow.

“Come in,”

The door opens slowly (too slowly for it to be any of his dumbasses), and Todoroki pokes out his head behind the door; wary.

“I’m sorry to bother you, Bakugou, but we don’t know what else you need us to do.”

Katsuki raises an eyebrow, tsking his tongue.

“Did he say anything useful?”

IcyHot seems to doubt for a moment before answering.

“Not much,” He starts; and Katsuki can see that he’s purposely choosing which words to use next. “Just that he talked to him before he left. In the hospital.”

Katsuki tries his best to not react to it. He tries his best to avoid the uncomfortable feeling that settles down on his stomach. He tries his best but it’s useless.

“Great,”

A moment passes.

“Bakugou,”

“What.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about Shinsou,”

“Who said I was worried?” He shoots back at him before fixing his eyes on a very uninteresting sock that he's forgotten to pick up earlier.

“I apologize,” Todoroki says. “I thought for a second that you’ve decided to take your head out of your ass but that doesn’t seem to be the case.”

Katsuki splutters indignantly as his face lights itself on fire. He raises his eyes to look at the other boy without meaning to. What the fuck.

“You do know that you’re in love with him at least,”

A beat.

“Don’t you?” He insists.

Katsuki has stopped working. 404 error not found.

“The fuck?” It’s the only thing that comes out of his mouth.

“You’re in love with Midoriya,” Todoroki repeats, pronouncing every single syllable like he’s talking to a toddler.

If it’s even possible, Katsuki’s face feels even hotter than before.

“…You do know that, right?”

Jesus fucking christ.

“Yes, I know that,” He responds, exasperated. “How do you know that?”

IcyHot blinks, confused. Katsuki feels the unbearable need to smack on the back of his head.

“We’re friends,” He replies, and Katsuki doesn’t even have the time to deny it before Todoroki continues. “I notice things. You pay attention to him.”

And Katsuki feels like a little kid who has just been caught doing something that he shouldn’t be doing. So vulnerable. So transparent. So embarrassed.

“Yeah, well,” He responds, because what else is there to say?

A beat.

Silence.

A sigh and his mismatched eyes roll.

“He pays attention to you too,” Todoroki says and turns around, already heading to the door. “I’ll wait for you downstairs with the others. Come down when you’re ready,”

Katsuki doesn’t smile like an idiot when Icy Hot leaves the room. He does not.

But-

“He pays attention to you too,”

———————————————

The day passes by in what Katsuki can only describe as the most annoying kind of slow motion on the planet.

The entire 1A divides in two, the ones who are part of the Rescue Team (which essentially means the ones who are sneaking out of UA to get to Deku) and the ones who are part of the Support Team ( the ones who have to stay at school and cover for their asses as they sneak out).

At first the plan was for Katsuki to go alone; he was promptly dismissed by everyone, since apparently it was too risky and it was pointless for him to expose himself like that. So they divided in pairs and ended up with a team of eight members.

-Katsuki and Kirishima.

-Kaminari and Mina.

-Sero and Todoroki.

-Iida and Uraraka.

Now, to the last two Katsuki was opposed, but he was out voted by the entire class.

He has his reasons. One of them being that Round Cheeks still looks at Katsuki like he doesn’t know Deku at all. Like he’s a poser, a fucking fake. (Katsuki hates it.) The other reason is that he knows for a fact that Glasses considered to rat them out several times since they got the address and Katsuki doesn’t want any stupid surprises on their way to Deku.

He doesn’t have a problem with Todoroki joining them, not after that awkward but enlightening talk that they had after dealing with the Shinsou situation.

Shinsou, who is, by the way not coming. They don’t need for Deku to run away at the first sight of Shinsou’s hair because he’s on hearing range and Eye Bags can very well brainwash him. Deku is too familiar with his tactics and he would be too fucking wary of them. And, of course, the fact that Katsuki keeps distracting himself from whatever he’s saying at the mere attempt of banter or comment from Shinsou doesn’t help his case. (Kaminari had been the first to say that it wasn’t a good idea for him to go with them and Katsuki had never been so grateful for something in his entire life.)

Now, he’s sitting in front of his mom, drinking tea. He’s there because she asked and he didn’t have the heart to tell her no (not when she looks this worried).
They have this weird thing going on where neither of them talks or they both say too much (normally during a screaming match).

And this moment isn’t the exception to that. They’re both silent, drinking tea, nobody talks. Nobody talks until someone does; Mitsuki.

"You seem awfully calm,"

"Maybe you need to get your eyes checked," Katsuki replies as he takes a quick look at the clock on the wall.

5 P.M. It’s not a lot of time but it works. He can stay for a little longer.

"It amazes me, Brat, everytime that you talk to me like I haven't dealt with your ass during the last seventeen years,"

"Sixteen,"

"Almost seventeen,"

"But not quite,"

And it feels like the most necessary clarification in the world, because he'll be damn if they don't get Deku back before Katsuki's birthday.

"You already have a plan, don't you?" She asks, her tone of voice is kind of tired but she doesn't sound surprised at all.

Katsuki debates with himself whether he should tell her or not. He doesn't want to lie to her and that's probably the thing that weighs him the most... But he also fears that she might just try to stop him.

But-

“You’re not going to try to stop me?”

“Is it going to change anything?”

“…No.”

“You ended up being a good one, Katsuki”

He looks away, avoiding her eyes.

"I'm not gonna answer that,"

"Which means that you do,"

A beat. His mom sighs.

"The doctors said you should take it easy, Katsuki-"

"It's been three days, I'm going after him." He cuts her off because there's no need to give her any hope that she'll be able to change his mind.

He dares to look up again only to find a mixture of defeat and pride in his mom’s eyes.

“Be careful, Brat,”

Katsuki only nods in return. There’s a lump in his throat.

They go back to drinking tea in silence.

________________

Katsuki usually likes Spring nights.

There’s something about the breeze and how it’s a little cold but not too cold.

Katsuki likes spring in general actually. He likes the sun and how the days are a little longer. He likes green leaves and Sakura trees. He also likes Spring because it rarely rains. Or if it does, it's passing, fleeting.

Deku likes rain. Deku likes to hear the raindrops hit the ceiling. He likes to splash his stupid red sneakers in the puddles down the street like he’s five. And he also likes to stare through the window, watching the rain fall, like he’s some kind of fifty-five year old with a coffee addiction.

Katsuki can’t help but to blame Deku for this stupid weather.

The sound of their steps against the puddles fills the silence around them. Kirishima walks beside him.

The IP address turned up to be a coffee shop next to an alley. (Spoiler Alert: Deku wasn’t in either of those places). So now they’re divided in pairs, looking for him, hoping that he hasn’t moved already. At least not far.

“This kind of reminds me about when we went to get you,”

One step, two steps.

A quick scan. Not here either.

“I mean after-“

“I know.”

A beat.

“Are you mad at me or something?” Kirishima asks and Katsuki instantly feels guilt wash over him.

No, he’s not mad. Katsuki just hates himself. He can’t help but to think that Deku is around, that they’re near him; and after reading the diary it feels like-

“It’s not you,” Katsuki replies, hoping that it would suffice. He doesn’t want to get into the whole thing.

“Don’t worry, we’re gonna find him,” The redhead says. Katsuki wants to scream at him that Yes, they're gonna find him, of course, because he can see it in his eyes, how he doesn't believe a word that's coming out of his mouth.

(The worst part is that Katsuki doesn't believe it either. Even though he forces himself to do so).

“Yeah,” Katsuki responds and he wishes he was actually sure of what he was saying.

He wishes this whole nightmare would be over.

___________________

A notification. A voice message on the group chat. It's Sero.

"Bakugou, it's been almost an hour"

Besides him, Kirishima shifts uncomfortably.

'So?', He types; sends it.

"Bro, I know you don't want to hear it but-" Kirishima begins but Katsuki doesn't let him finish.

"Then don't say it, for fuck's sake."

Another voice message. Todoroki this time.

"We have to get back." IcyHot says.

"Tsu texted. We have another half an hour tops" Uraraka adds and the voice message ends.

They have at least fifteen minutes back if they move with their quirks the entire way back. Glasses can't carry them all, Todoroki has to slide them all the way to UA. Maybe if Katsuki's explosions weren't so damn noisy and flashy he could help too.

He feels a hand on his shoulder. Katsuki turns to look at him. Tears threaten to come out of his eyes, and he wants to voice at least one of the million things that he's thinking of right now but he can't-

"I know," Kirishima says. "I know, it's okay."

But it's not. It's not and Katsuki has to give up. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to but he's tapping the screen of his phone and starting to record a voice message.

"Fine. Fucking fine. Let's meet by the-" And he's randomly looking up, just to stop the tears from actually escaping his eyes, and he sees it.

He sees him.

"...You've gotta be fucking kidding me,"

(He's pretty sure that he sent that voice message like that).

"Bakugou?" Kirishima asks just before he raises his eyes to look where Katsuki was looking. "Oh my god," He lets out and he sounds genuinely surprised.

Katsuki just keeps looking. Staring. He's there. He's actually there.

Deku is not looking at them. He's facing the other way. Hopefully he hasn't already seen them. Katsuki doesn't think he would peacefully and patiently wait for them to come up if he has.

No, Deku probably hasn't even noticed them yet.

Katsuki doesn't know what pisses him off the most; the fact that he has just found Deku standing over a rooftop like some kind of low budget Batman, or the fact that he looks like he might just fall over the edge from exhaustion alone.

This is it.

He's moving, he can't help it.

"Bakugou, wait! I'll go with you-"

"No." He cuts him short. "No, I need to talk to him-" The phone vibrates in his pocket. It's ringing. He picks it up. "Guys, I found him," He wastes no time to say. "I'm sending the location. Come meet us." And he doesn't even get to hear what they say because he hangs up.

____________________________

He moves as quietly as he can,Katsuki knows better than to give himself away too fast, too far away, leaving Deku an opening for him to run away.

The rest of the Rescue Team are divided in pairs and surrounding the building, waiting for his call in case they have to chase after Deku. All of them, except for Kirishima who ended up with Kaminari and Mina after Katsuki told him for the millionth time that 'No, it's not a good idea for all of us to go up there', and that he needs to go by himself.

Katsuki holds his breath once he's close enough, not daring to make any noise that alerts him. It's when he takes two steps closer that he realizes why Deku hasn't run away yet.

He's sleeping. He actually fell asleep on his feet. Katsuki doesn't know whether to laugh or to just kill him. Because this is exactly what he knew that it would happen if he tried to do this alone. He becomes careless, he always does.

And maybe Katsuki is cheating because he knows that it's not exactly fair to attack someone from behind but fuck it. He's not going to let him get away.

He dares to take the last step forward and locks one arm around Deku from behind, all across his chest, immobilizing the upper part of his arms. He feels him react almost instantly.

"Son of a-"

Katsuki is already putting the other hand over his mouth, covering it, silencing the curses and the whines.

The bastard doesn't stop squirming; kicking.

"Stop. Stop- Goddamn it-" He says, tightening his arm around him. "I'm not afraid to blast your stupid head unconscious if I have to," He hisses in his ear, and for a moment Deku seems to calm down, to stop fidgeting, right before he bites Katsuki's hand. "Fuck-"

He moves his hand as a reflex, but his other arm doesn't let go. (And he doesn't plan on letting him go, not ever.)

"Get off or I'll-"

"Or you'll what?" Katsuki cuts him off, his patience running thin.

Because Deku doesn't have the right to ask for shit right now, not after the last 72hs from hell.

"You're injured," The bastard points out. "I can-"

"Oh, yes" Katsuki throws back at him, almost snorting. "Do it, please, just give me a fucking reason to call the others so we all beat your ass."

"... Others?"

"You heard me,"

A beat. The sounds of the city filling the silence.

"You can let go, Kacchan, I'm not gonna run away,"

"Do you think I'm stupid or somethin' "

Deku doesn't respond, he just lowers his hands abandoning the grip they had on the arm that Katsuki has around his neck.

He seems so tired.

"Fine," He huffs. "Fucking fine. But if you even try to-"

"I know."

Katsuki takes his arms away from him and takes about half a step back, just enough to give him room to turn around.

And now, finally, he can see Deku's green eyes. They seem so exhausted, the light in them almost imperceptible.

"What are you doing here?"

Katsuki just stares at him.

"Are you for fucking real, Deku?"

"Sorry." He mumbles, lowering his eyes a bit. They're avoiding Katsuki's."I meant-" A sigh. "How did you find me?"

Katsuki doesn't respond. Instead he just grabs him by the wrist and starts to guide him towards the door that leads to the stairs.

"What- Stop. Kacchan-"

"Everyone is waiting," He hisses, turning around. "so just drop this stupid martyr act and let's get going."

At that moment Deku not only plants his feet, but he also shakes free out of Katsuki's hold. He's now wearing a perfect glare on his green eyes.

(Katsuki hates that he looks so powerful right now, it messes up his brain.)

"It's not an act." He states. "And I'm sorry that you came all the way here, but I'm not coming back,"

"Deku just-"

"I'm fine," He concludes and Katsuki just loses it.

"You're fine?" He asks, his tone a little too obviously sarcastic. "You're fine. Of course you are,"

"I am, really, don't worry,"

"Look at you."Katsuki interrupts him. "You realize that you fell asleep on your feet just now, right? Unprotected. And you could've fallen off over the edge, you brainless-"

"Oh, you wanna talk about rooftops and me falling off of them? Please, be my guest."

Katsuki hates him so much.

His eyes are burning again.

"Fuck. Kacchan-"

"Don't apologize." He tries to say, his voice breaks in the middle. "Don't fucking apologize for saying the truth."

Izuku closes his mouth, whatever words he was planning to say die inside of it.

"I'm sorry." Katsuki starts. "I'm sorry that I’ve said that shit to you. I didn't mean it but that's no excuse."

"Kacchan, It's fine-"

"For fuck's sake If I hear you say that word one more time I'll-"

"Sorry,"

"And that. That has to fucking stop too."

And it stops. It stops because they stop talking.

He wants to cry again. The flashback of that day is haunting him now. It's not exactly new but it's overwhelming nonetheless. And the worst part of it all is that everytime he feels like this he doesn't feel the right to even get sad about it.

It's in moments like this when he doesn't feel the right to even care about Izuku the way he does.

And maybe he doesn't deserve him at all. No, there's no 'maybe' about it. He doesn't, he just doesn't deserve him.

He's rotten.

He's rotten, but it flashes through his mind. So clear and beautiful, in Izuku's handwriting.

I love you.

"You know," Katsuki starts. " I didn't really understand what the fuck were you saying when I started reading the diary."

Deku turns around, something seems to flash through his eyes and ,for a fleeting moment, Katsuki can see them alive again.

He takes a breath before he continues.

"And then when I got to the part about stupid Eye Bags I thought that you were finally taking revenge for every shitty thing that I've ever done to you. Especially for that last one you just said," He says because he can't bring himself to say the actual word. It feels like his fucking worst nightmare.

"No, Kacchan. That's not-"

"And then I saw the drawings, read your last entries too,"

Those green eyes are so focused on him that it feels intoxicating and addictive at the same time.

"And you know what? I couldn't fucking understand how you thought you could say- write something like that, pull something like this shit, and expect me not to come after you."

Deku tries to escape his eyes, looking everywhere but him.

"And it clicked me. It all made fucking sense when I just stopped for half a second to really think about it,"

"Kacchan-"

"You wanted me to come after you," He states and he never felt so sure and vulnerable of saying something in his entire life.

Deku- Izuku just looks at him, silently pleading him to stop talking, but Katsuki feels too bold right now.

"And I'm here,"

"Kacchan, please just-"

"Come back." Katsuki pleads.

"I told you, I can'-"

"You can, Deku, you just don't want to." He cuts him short.

Because it's true. Anything that Izuku wants he gets. There's nothing in the world that can escape just how cunning and devoted he is. He just doesn't want to-

"If something happens to you I- Fuck, Kacchan I can't-"

And that does it; Katsuki is yelling now.

"That's not your fucking decision to make!" Katsuki snarls because he can see it in his eyes, just how far Deku is from listening to him. But he can't let him get away, not after he found him, not after- "What I do, how I choose to take risks, that's on me. You can not take that shit away from me. So I saved you, so what ? What's your fucking problem? Deal with it. Just like I had to deal with you doing the same since forever-"

"It's not the same-" He tries to object.

"The fuck it isn't." Katsuki dismisses him. (A little too harsh, a little too loud). "It's exactly like what you always do,"

"Didn't you read the diary? It's not , I can't help but to save you, worry about you...The way I feel about you, Kacchan-" Something in his voice breaks a little and Katsuki feels his heart skip a beat. "I just- I can't control it, okay? I tried. I swear, but it's just,"

Katsuki waits for the end of that thought, of that sentence, but it never comes. It feels like he's reading a crossed out entry of the diary in real life.

Silence.

A beat.

It's because he can hear a quite sob escape Deku's mouth that it happens.

He dares even though it feels like maybe now it's not the time nor the place.

He dares knowing that he might just get his heart broken.

He dares even though he's fucking terrified-

"Izuku," Katsuki says and he can hear the way his breath hitches. "You're not listening,"

"I am. And don't do that. Don't be mean," The green-eyed pleads. A sob, his voice broken. "Don't use this against me,"

"I'm not,"

"Kacchan, for fuck's sake, stop-"

"Stop what?"

"That! That, stop looking at me like that-"

"How?" He asks in a desperate attempt to make him voice it out loud so Katsuki doesn't have to.

"You know. You know, don't play dumb 'cause it doesn't suit you-"

The groan that escapes out of his mouth interrupts him.

"Why do we always end up fighting? Why can't you just fucking listen? It's the same. Can you get it through that thick head of yours? It's the fucking same-"

"Stop-"

"No, you stop." Katsuki snarls. " You fucking shut up and listen. Bite your own fucking tongue just like I did through fifty goddamn pages."

He can see it in his eyes just how much he wants to yell back at him, but he doesn't. He doesn't interrupt him so Katsuki continues.

"I didn't save you to win." He takes a step forward, closer, careful. "I know that's what you fuckin’ think. But I didn't. I saved you for purposely selfish reasons,"

And here it goes. Katsuki feels like he just might die right on the spot from how much his heart weighs on his chest.

"I saved you because I can't even imagine not seeing you every day."

Izuku gasps.

Katsuki dares to take another step forward.

"I'd rather die-"

"Don't say that-"

"-than not seeing you every day,"

"Kacchan, stop, please, if you don't mean it please just-"

And the end of that sentence never comes.

Not because Deku cries.

Not because it's another real life unfinished, crossed out, diary entry.

It never comes because Katsuki is kissing Izuku.

He's kissing him and his brain isn't working properly. He can't even describe what it feels like because-

Because it's chaos and order at the same time.

Because Katsuki’s rotten but Izuku is kissing him back.

Because it's like home but so new, exciting.

Because his lips are sweet and warm. And Izuku's mouth tastes like he hasn't washed his teeth for days (which Katsuki knows he hasn't) but he can't bring himself to give a damn.

Because he can feel Izuku everywhere but it's not enough.

Because he feels like right now there's nothing more important than the sounds that he's swallowing out of Izuku's mouth but there's people waiting for them.

"God, if you're lying to me I'm gonna be so mad," Izuku breathes out.

"Come back," It's the only thing that comes out as a response.

The boy groans.

"Kacchan, don't ruin this," He whispers and Katsuki goes from high from the kiss to annoyed in half a second.

"You don't ruin this,"

He can feel him trying to pull away from Katsuki's arms but he tightens his grip and stops him.

"I can't go back. It's not just this, you," Pleading green eyes lock with his. So close. Katsuki just wants to kiss him again. And again. And again. "I talked to the users, they need me, they asked me, I have to do this."

Katsuki leans forward and rests his forehead on Izuku's because that's as close as he can get to him without ending up kissing him again. They stay for a moment like that. Existing. Breathing.

" You don't have to do this alone," Katsuki says, hoping to make him see reason.

" I don't want to see more people getting hurt because of me."

" So that's it? You're not coming back?"

And Deku doesn't reply but he looks at Katsuki like he's apologizing. Katsuki hates it.

"Fine," He huffs and moves away to take his phone out of his pocket.

Deku tries to take a step back when he puts the phone on his ear, Katsuki stops him, grabbing him by the arm and sending him a warning look.

"Bakugou?"

"Pikachu, change of plans,"

" Like bad change of plans or not so bad change of plans?"

"I don't fucking know which one is which, Dunce face." He replies rolling his eyes. " I need my bag,"

" Dude, you're serious?" He hears him ask and he doesn't know what to make out of his tone of voice.

"Yeah, I'm going with him."

"What the fuck. No you're not-" Deku argues.

"I wasn't fucking asking you-"

"I don't care. You're not-"

Pushing. Stomping. Some biting. Curses. The phone falls.

"This would be cute if we weren't literally STANDING OUT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!" Kaminari yells at them from the other side of the line and even if he isn't on speaker they both hear him perfectly.

"He's going back with you, Kaminari! Just catch him when I throw him from the rooftop-"

Another kick. Hands. The floor. Fighting.

(Always fighting.)

"That goes both ways, you damn nerd! It's this or I'll blast us all the way back to UA!"

Now there's punches. Light, playful, not really meaning any actual harm.

Katsuki feels a little too happy, a little too alive.

"What's happening?" a feminine voice asks and Katsuki guesses It's Mina.

"They're fighting over who protects the other more,"

"Jesus," Mina says in an exasperated tone. " What's the plan?"

" I don't fucking know. Oi! Bakugou! "

"Just get up here and bring it, Pikachu, it's not that fucking hard-"

"Don't you dare, Kaminari!"

Silence. (Kind of, he can hear the murmurs from the rest of them gathering around Denki on the other side of the line).

"I'm sorry, Midoriya, but I'm kinda more scared of Bakugou if I don't do what he says"

A shove. A push.

"You got that right,"

"Wait there."

Katsuki doesn't know how much time has passed but he's getting tired of fighting without really fighting. He's tired of rolling over the floor. It's wet and it's disgusting.

"Deku, just stop pretending like you want me to go back for real. You're not fooling anyone, much less me, nerd." Katsuki states before dodging his hand.

Another kick.

"Stop it."

A chuckle comes out of his lips and Katsuki feels like his heart flips inside his chest.

"What's in the backpack anyways? You have your hero costume here,"

"Money, for one, since I actually use my brain cells," He says. "And some clothes, soap, a toothbrush," Katsuki turns to look at him. "Which you need to use if you plan on kissing me again,"

"First of all you kissed me. Second of all I'm sorry I'm disgusting right now I wasn't exactly expecting to see you,"

" Keep telling yourself that. Maybe if you repeat it enough you'll actually believe it."

"You're impossible,"

"I thought you liked them with an attitude," He replies, arching an eyebrow. "You sure liked it on Eye Bags,"

"You sound jealous, Kacchan" The bastard points out.

Well, fuck him.

"You're one to talk, want me to go back to UA with Kirishima?"

And it's almost cute the way that Deku turns his head to the side, slightly frowning.

"You could, you know? No one's stopping you." He says in a low voice, almost a whisper; flat tone. Deku only turns his head when Katsuki snorts "What?"

He doubts for a second. He has already made it pretty clear how he feels, who he wants, so he doesn't think he should say it again... Maybe it would seem too desperate.

Maybe.

(Maybe, but those green eyes keep looking at him.)

"I'm not going anywhere, nerd. You're stuck with me."

And it's the way that he smiles at him. That smile that he only saves for Katsuki. Wide, free and so fucking blinding. The same one he wore when Katsuki got his license, the same one that makes his stomach tickle and his chest hurt from how beautiful Izuku looks.

He's kissing him again.

Deku begins to kiss him back before something makes him pull away.

"Wait- My teeth, you said-"

"Shut up," He responds, almost slurring, high on the kiss, on him, before connecting their mouths together again.

And Izuku throws his arms around his neck, almost knocking Katsuki over, and gives in. They trip, losing their balance for a moment, but never stop kissing.

(At least not until someone coughs behind them.)

They barely get to break the kiss. Deku has that kind of blush that takes over his entire face, all the way to the tip of his ears. Katsuki sends the best glare he can to Kaminari who's just standing there, smiling like an idiot.

"Is this the part where you admit that I was right?" He asks with a tone in his voice that somehow sounds smug and childish at the same time.

"In your dreams, Pikachu."

_______________

The first drop falls just when he gets the notification.

Kirishima

Got back ok but Aizawa was waiting for us. He's too mad at you and Midoriya so he forgot to give us detention after his lecture.

Another message comes in.

Your mom, dad and Eri aren't surprised. They say hi and also that you suck.

Another.

And that they love you

We love you too by the way. You better send a hi once in a while. Don't disappear, that's not manly.

Katsuki can't help but to smile a bit.

‘wasn't planning on it. See ya, shitty hair.’

Kirishima

Bro.

What a dork.

‘ I love you all too. Stop being lame and go to fucking sleep.’

Kirishima

:D

ok

And then a voice message comes in

"Be careful, Baku!" Mina says.

"Send a message every other day!" That's Sero.

"Yeah, bro. Be manly and write!" Kirishima cuts in.

"And don't forget to use protection!" And that would be the bastard of Kaminari.

The voice message keeps going and Eri's voice appears.

"Why do they need protection? Are they in danger? You just said they were fine!"

"Oh honey not that kind" Mina tries to calm her

"What other kind is there-"

And the voice message stops just when Katsuki chokes on his own saliva.

He takes the phone off his ear.

'Don't ruin the kid in my absence. I'll literally murder you.'

Kirishima

Bro,chill. Go fight the bad guys.

"They got back okay?"

"Yeah,"

"That’s good," Deku says and Katsuki can see how relief he looks.

The few drops are starting to become rain now.

"Come on, Deku. We gotta find a place to sleep. I'm not staying out here in the rain like some fucking martyr," He says as he starts guiding him towards the door that leads to the stairs.

The green eyed follows him; quiet.

Too quiet for Katsuki's liking.

"I can hear your stupid brain thinking,"

A beat.

"... You called me Izuku. Before."

"I guess I did,"

"You can call me that. If you want."

Has anyone actually died from happiness? Is that even fucking possible? Because Katsuki thinks that he just might.

"Maybe," Katsuki replies, turning around, walking backwards just to face him as he talks. A smirk forming on his lips without even meaning to. "I'll save it for special occasions." He concludes before turning around again.

Katsuki can hear him walking behind him.

Barely a moment passes.

"Like... which ones?"

His heart skips a beat.

Is it too soon?

It doesn't feel like too soon but Katsuki's time perception gets distorted when it comes to Izuku.

Fuck it.

"Oh, I don't know, nerd. At the top of my head there's only one right now,"

"... Kacchan I'm gonna need you to actually say what you're thinking about because I think that my special occasion is not the same one as yours-"

Katsuki's face lights up almost instantly.

"What the fuck you're such a pervert-"

"It's not my fault! It sounded like-"

"I was trying to say that I love you and now you ruined it-"

"What?" Deku chockes on his own tongue.

"You heard me,"

"But go again! I'll shut up I swear-"

"No, the moment's passed."

"Kacchan!"

"Guess the next special occasion could be when we win this," He says, just to piss him off.

(Izuku takes it too seriously, Katsuki should have seen it coming).

Three months later all this things happen:

Katsuki calls him Izuku again ("We did it! We actually did it! You were so fucking brilliant, Izuku"), right before he kisses him in front of everyone.

The headlines read: Wonder Duo wins and saves the day. (And Katsuki will may or may not frame it to hang it on his dorm once they go back to UA)

Both of them say I love you to each other. Face to face, no letters, no drama, nor some kind of special occasion involved (no innuendos either). Just them after a really long day.

"Kacchan,"

"What?"

"I love you."

" I love you too, Izuku."