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Fade in on P.S. 118 on a typical fall morning. Arnold and his friends are gathered around the jungle gym, recounting their weekend.
Sid: (breathlessly)
...And remember how the Abdicator threw the Dark Successor into the rocket ship, and he said “It’s time to take you...out to launch,” instead of “lunch” like he usually says, and then the rocket took off and went right into the sun and exploded?
Gerald:
We do remember it, Sid, because we were all there with you when we watched it last night.
Eugene:
I’m so happy everyone came with me to see Abdicator: The Motion Picture for my birthday! Everyone I invited made it...except Curly, who left halfway through for some reason.
Arnold:
That was odd. Has anyone heard from Curly since last night? He should be here by now.
Rhonda:
Who cares? He’s probably off eating worms or something.
Nadine:
Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it.
Gerald:
I know it’s your nature to worry about others, Arnold, but Curly Gammelthorpe is a bird of a different feather. A day where he didn’t do something weird would be the exception.
Arnold:
Yeah, I guess it's no real cause for alarm.
Suddenly, a siren comes on over the intercom, followed by Principal Wartz.
Wartz, intercom:
Attention students: Please remain calm and file into the school in an orderly fashion immediately, for your safety. This is not a drill.
Arnold and friends look concerned, then obey the call.
Cut to the class sitting in Mr. Simmons’ classroom with the lights off. Simmons is peeking through the closed window blinds anxiously.
Eugene:
What’s going on, guys?
Helga:
I bet it's a knife-wielding psycho!
Harold:
Or some guy stole a tank and is driving it around the city!
Sid:
If there's a car chase, let me see it out the window!
Simmons:
Please, everyone, no need to let your imaginations run wild right now, I’m sure this is a perfectly normal... Oh, my word!
Simmons gasps at what he sees out the window. The children, naturally, run to the windows and open the blinds to see what’s going on. We hear the faint sound of maniacal laughter, then cut to a rhinoceros charging down the street outside the school. On the rhino’s back is Curly, in his underwear and painted with tiger stripes, holding on for dear life and cackling wildly. A squadron of police cars, including an armored van, are in pursuit. The students chatter in disbelief and amazement.
Stinky:
Willikers, that dang fool went and done it now.
Cut to the rhinoceros entering the schoolyard, then tearing down the jungle gym with the greatest of ease.
Harold:
No, now he’s went and done it.
Gerald:
Y’know, I’m shocked, but I’m not surprised. He’s been tempting fate for years, sneaking into the zoo. I told him he would get caught some day, but he just laughed and laughed.
The armored van stops outside the schoolyard. A man with a pith helmet rolls down the window and fires a tranquilizer dart squarely in the rhino’s neck. The animal quickly slows to a halt and falls asleep. Curly, dismayed, leaps off the rhino and bares his teeth at the police that have assembled.
Curly: (screaming)
You pigs can incapacitate my mount, but now you’re gonna have to face your worst nightmare! (growls)
A police officer nonchalantly walks up behind Curly and puts him in handcuffs, then leads him towards a squad car.
Policeman 1:
You have the right to remain silent...
Curly: (raising his voice)
I waive that right! I bet you’re all wondering, "What's his motive?" Well, why don’t you ask one Miss Rhonda Wellington Lloyd? Hear that, Rhonda? I did it for you! You always wanted a tough guy, a hero! Well here I am, baby! How do ya like me now?!?
Cut to Rhonda looking mortified. Helga sidles up to her, smirking.
Helga:
Sure feels nice to be loved, don’t it? (Arnold elbows her gently with a disapproving look.)
Cut to the back of the cop car; Curly is sitting with a triumphant smile on his face.
Policeman 1:
Sheesh, why do we always have to deal with the crazy ones?
Policeman 2:
Come on, be nice. Kid just has some issues. His parents are probably...
We cut through a montage that is centered on Curly's face keeping the same expression.
First, at Curly’s home with his parents and the police.
Curly’s Dad, offscreen:
… Very upset, Thad, that you would go and do this! We’ve tried to raise you right, and you’re out sneaking into the zoo every night? I hate to say this, but...
Cut to Principal Wartz’s office.
Wartz, offscreen:
…Thaddeus Gammelthorpe, you are hereby expelled from Public School 118, effective immediately. What happens next is up to juvenile court, where they’ll probably sentence you to...
Cut to a courtroom.
Judge, offscreen:
…One year of enrollment in the Hillwood Boy’s Academy for Restorative Justice. With this, we hope that Mr. Gammelthorpe will...
Cut to the back seat of his parents’ car, as they drop him off at the academy.
Curly’s Mom, offscreen:
…Get your mind into a better place, so that this never happens again. We’ll miss you, Curly, but this is for your own good! Don’t forget to call as soon as you can.
Curly looks out the car window at the academy, an austere stone building in an urban neighborhood.
Curly: (evilly)
Oh, I will.
Fade to outside the boarding house where a phone is ringing. Grandpa picks it up.
Grandpa, offscreen:
Hello? Oh yes, I’ll get him. (shouting) Arnold! It’s one of your little friends!
Cut to inside, where Grandpa holds the land line out for Arnold to take it.
Arnold:
That’s weird, all my friends have my cell phone number now... (takes receiver) Hello?
Cut to Curly sitting in what looks like a prison phone booth.
Curly:
Hiya, Uncle Arnold! Great to hear your voice!
Move to split screen - Arnold looks baffled.
Arnold:
Curly?! Why are you calling me uncle? I think you have the wrong number.
Curly:
No, I don’t, Arnold, my favorite and most trusted uncle! How’re things on the outside?
Arnold: (sighing)
Well, everybody’s been talking about you for the last two weeks, just like I’m sure you wanted.
Curly:
Glad to know my absence has been noted in the community! Now, down to brass tacks - why don’t you come and pay me a visit this weekend? We’re allowed one visitor per month, and I just miss you so darn much!
Arnold:
Why me? Why not your actual parents?
Curly:
Don't you remember, Arnold? You’re marked down as my emergency contact! Now I’ll see you Saturday, nine AM sharp! Toodles!
The line disconnects - Arnold remains deeply confused. Grandpa has been observing.
Grandpa:
What in the Sam Hill was that all about?
Arnold and Grandpa walk to the kitchen. Stella is reading Gravity's Rainbow at the table.
Arnold:
That was Curly, calling from the reform school. He wants me to pay him a visit this weekend.
Grandpa:
Is this the rhino kid?
Arnold:
Yeah, and what’s weird is he says I’m his emergency contact, but I barely know him! And to be honest, he’s kind of... volatile.
Stella looks up from her book.
Stella:
Oh, Arnold, he probably just reached out to you because he needs a friend to talk to and knows you’re a good-hearted person. Sometimes people who seem crazy are just misunderstood troubled souls crying out for help. Remember Monkeyman? Or that one kid who sits on his stoop all day? What was his name...?
Arnold:
You’re right, Mom. I should be there for him. He may be Curly, but he’s a kid too.
Stella:
There’s our Arnold! Can I come with you for moral support? I did minor in child psychology, after all.
Arnold:
Thanks, but I'm apparently the only one Curly trusts, so I'll go by myself.
Arnold leaves the kitchen; Stella calls after him.
Stella:
Be careful, Arn!
Grandpa:
Oh, he'll be fine, the boy does stuff like this all the time.
Stella:
Well, misunderstood or not, that Curly kid managed to wrangle a rhinoceros, so as a parent that raises a few red flags.
Fade to Arnold getting off the bus outside the Academy, staring at the imposing façade with trepidation. Cut to him approaching the reception desk.
Receptionist:
May I help you?
Arnold:
I'm here to visit Thaddeus Gammelthorpe? I'm his... (with disdain) Uncle Arnold.
The receptionist clicks through on her computer, then looks surprised.
Receptionist:
Oh, you mean Curly! Yes... he's been anticipating you.
Arnold gulps nervously. Cut to an orderly leading Arnold through the halls of the facility, which resemble less a jail or hospital and more of a hotel or nursing home.
Orderly:
So you're Curly's uncle? And here I thought that "Short Man" was your last name, but I guess it was just a description!
Arnold ignores the joke, looking around apprehensively. Uniformed juveniles leer at him menacingly as he walks past. The orderly leads him through a busy lunchroom.
Orderly:
Let's take this shortcut through the cafeteria here...
Arnold keeps his head down, until he gets splashed with white liquid. He turns to see a sneering teenager holding a straw and a carton of milk.
Orderly:
Lewis, please refrain from dousing our guests with your breakfast. Remember, milk is a privilege, not a right!
Cut to Arnold and the orderly outside the door to a room, Arnold toweling himself off.
Orderly: (knocking on the door)
Curly! Your uncle is here! (To Arnold) He's been chomping at the bit to see you.
Curly, offscreen:
Bring him in!
The orderly opens the door and we see Curly constrained to a dolly, with a mask over his mouth, grinding his teeth.
Arnold:
Why's he locked up like that?!
Orderly: (exasperatedly, unlocking Curly from his restraints)
This is the second time this week he's done this to himself. (To Curly) Come on, that’s not a toy - why don’t we show Arnold the academy’s rec room?
Curly approaches Arnold, grinning, and gives a hearty handshake.
Curly:
Why, certainly, madam! Come, uncle, let us recreate!
Curly takes Arnold by the arm and leads him out of the bunk and down the hallway, with the orderly not far behind. He mutters to Arnold under his breath.
Curly:
I’m glad you came. I can’t do this without you.
Arnold:
I’m happy to lend an ear in your time of need—
Curly:
Oh, I’ll need more than your ears, chum.
The two enter the rec room of the facility, outfitted with a fair amount of foosball tables, arcade games, and the like. Curly leads them to a DDR-style dance game.
Curly:
Shall we dance?
Arnold:
Um, sure?
Curly starts up the game, which blares loud music to drown out their conversation. Curly is masterfully hitting all the notes while he speaks, barely breaking a sweat; Arnold struggles to keep up.
Curly:
It kills me to make you an accomplice, but I believe history will vindicate me.
Arnold:
Pardon?
Curly:
You’re going to help me escape this prison, this labyrinth of pain! And you’re the only one who I knew was enough of a sap to fall for my ploy.
Arnold:
And how exactly would you go about escaping?
Cut to a montage showing Curly’s plan.
Curly:
Simple! I will fasten myself to that dolly as I was before. I snagged an orderly’s uniform in your size from the laundry room, as well as a big cardboard box from the recycling. You disguise yourself, put the box over me, then wheel me out to the loading dock at the end of the day when all the workers are going home. Then, as I was practicing before I was so rudely interrupted, I will break myself out of the restraints like Houdini, sneak onto a truck, and voila, I’m out!
Curly is grinning widely at Arnold after having described his plan; Arnold looks back, nonplussed.
Arnold:
… I’m not helping you escape, Curly. Plus, your plan is full of holes.
Curly:
Holes help cut down on wind resistance! That way, it’ll happen faster.
Arnold turns off the game and addresses Curly sternly.
Arnold:
Curly, you’re here for a reason.
Curly: (dramatically)
And what reason is that? For being in love and proclaiming it to the world?! Is that a crime now?!?
Arnold: (deadpan)
No, but stealing a rhinoceros and destroying playground equipment is. But what I meant is you’re here because you need help.
Curly:
No, you’re here because I need your help. I can’t last an entire year here! This place is soul-crushing, a Hadean wasteland that constrains one’s anima until they no longer recognize themselves as human!
Arnold notices behind Curly are two teens playing skee-ball.
Skee-ball kid 1:
Woo! High score!
Skee-ball kid 2:
Rad! Let’s get nachos to celebrate!
Arnold thinks for a moment, then smiles courteously.
Arnold:
Maybe I can help you after all, if you can show me what’s so bad about the academy.
Curly strokes his chin in thought for a moment, then hocks a spit wad into his hand and offers a handshake to Arnold.
Curly:
You got a deal, pardner. A bum deal for you, but a deal nonetheless.
Arnold gingerly touches the clean part of Curly’s fingers as a handshake.
Fade to an inner courtyard of the academy. There are four-square courts and a jungle gym that uniformed boys are enjoying. Curly and Arnold stand observing.
Curly:
See this? They corral us in here every day and force us to play.
Arnold:
How is that any different from recess? You like recess! And the playground here is even nicer than the one at PS 118.
Curly stares blankly for a moment.
Curly:
Touché.
Skee-ball kid 2, offscreen:
Heads up!
A dodgeball flies from offscreen and bounces off Curly's head, causing him to fly into a rage.
Curly:
Argh! How dare someone wound me so! Come forth, ruffian, and receive your punishment!
One of the teens from earlier walks over and retrieves his ball.
Skee-ball kid 2:
Sorry, bro! Tried to warn you.
Curly glowers at the kid, seething.
Arnold:
It was an accident, Curly. Nobody's out to get you.
Curly:
That's exactly what someone who's out to get me would say!
Arnold sighs.
Arnold:
…Let's go get something to eat.
Cut to Arnold and Curly in line at the cafeteria. There is a wide array of delicious looking foods available.
Arnold:
This is definitely a lot nicer than the food at our school! You can even get hoagies made to order.
Curly:
Don't bother - the bread is made of roaches, the meat is made of rats, and you don't wanna know where the mustard comes from.
Arnold:
And how do you know that?
Curly stares blankly again.
Curly:
I don't, but I mean, it must be, right?
Arnold:
You really need to stop assuming that the world has it in for you.
Curly:
Poor naïve, trusting Arnold. Maybe you need to open your eyes and see the true horror of the world around you!
Arnold sees one of the skee-ball kids happily getting a hot fudge sundae.
Arnold:
…I'll let you know when I see it.
Arnold and Curly sit down at a table with lunch (Curly only has a bottle of water), when a shadow looms over them. It's Lewis, the teen who splashed Arnold with milk. Arnold and Curly look up with fear.
Lewis: (pointing at Arnold menacingly)
Hey! I got something to say to you!.... Sorry about the milk before. I wasn't thinking of your feelings when I did that.
Arnold: (relieved)
Uhm... thanks. Apology accepted.
Lewis nods and walks away. Curly grabs Arnold by the collar.
Curly:
Was that guy messing with you, Arnold? If so, just say the word and he's history, I'll make sure of it!
Arnold:
It's fine, he apologized. You should learn a thing or two about forgiveness - you can't just carry grudges around your whole life.
Curly crosses his arms sullenly.
Fade to Arnold and Curly standing outside a door in the hallway, Curly still crossing his arms.
Arnold:
I’m still not convinced that you need my help getting out of here.
Curly:
Well then, come and sit in with me for the human rights atrocity they call “group therapy!” Then you’ll see what I have to put up with!
Arnold rolls his eyes as they enter the room. There are seven other boys around Curly’s age and a middle-aged woman counselor.
Counselor:
Ah, Curly! Glad you could join us for group. And I see you brought a friend!
Curly takes a seat wordlessly, his face a blank slate. Arnold leans against the wall, observing.
Counselor:
So, how was everybody’s week? Would you care to start us off, Curly?
Curly merely blows a raspberry. The other boys look to each other awkwardly.
Counselor:
… We don’t want to pressure you, Curly, but you haven’t said a word for any of the group sessions we've had. Is something the matter?
Curly:
I ain’t telling you creeps anything.
Lewis:
Dude, what's your beef?
Skee-ball kid 1:
This is a judgment free zone! We just wanna hear what's on your mind.
Curly:
Bite me!
Arnold’s look of confusion changes to irritation as he heads for the door. Curly bolts up from his seat.
Curly:
Arnold! Where are you going?
Arnold:
Home. I’m done with you, Curly. You’re fortunate that you are in a situation where people want to help you reform and not punish you for your actions, but you still act like you’re the victim. All day, I’ve seen nothing but a supportive environment of people who care about you and want you to be a better person - the "torture" is all in your head!
Curly: (falling to his knees)
Come on! Help me! Don’t leave me here!
Arnold:
You don’t deserve my help if you’re not going to help yourself. All I can say is to start by thinking about the people you have wronged, and how you can make amends with them. I’ll see you next year.
Arnold walks out the door as Curly stares blankly at the closed door, his support group staring at him.
Cut to Arnold leaving the academy, then arriving back home, looking troubled. He passes by Stella as he walks to his room.
Stella:
Hey, Arnold. How was your visit to your friend in the reform school?
Arnold:
Terrible. I mean, the school was really nice, but Curly didn’t seem to realize that.
Stella:
Let me guess, he wanted you to break him out?
Arnold:
… How’d you know?
Stella: (chuckling)
I minored in child psychology - Curly’s probably in denial about his actions. Once he comes to terms with reality, he can let the healing begin. You’ve done all you can do at this point, big guy.
Arnold:
Thanks. I really hope anything I said got through to him.
Arnold hugs his mom, walks up to his room, and lays down in bed, looking at the moon through the skylight.
Fade to Curly looking out the window of his bunk at the same moon, with a pensive expression.