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I don't need the world to see
That I've been the best I can be, but
I don't think I could stand to be
Where you don't see me
Francis Forever - Mitski
“Jaemin, hurry up and get in!”
There is urgency laced within Renjun’s whispering tone as he anxiously holds the door open, watching as his boyfriend fights off a horde of zombies with his spear, trying to nick them on the ankles while also maintaining his space.
“I’m just trying to thin out the numbers before we go in. Get inside if you need to,” Jaemin calls out back to him, shoving his makeshift spear into the nearest zombie’s neck and pushing forward, using the skewered zombie to push the group of a dozen or so zombies back.
“No way in hell am I leaving you out here alone.” Renjun runs over and grabs Jaemin’s wrist, pulling him back past the barrier they’ve set out in front of their base and looking at him with a hard stare. His gaze softens when Jaemin turns back to look at him, and he wraps his hand around Jaemin’s hand and intertwines their fingers, squeezing once before letting go and pulling out his dagger. “Use the revolver, Jaem.”
“I thought we were saving that for emergencies—”
“Just use it!” Renjun cries out before flinging his dagger straight into the center of a zombie’s forehead, watching as it promptly drops to the ground. The other zombies push past their fallen undead brethren, discolored and fleshy arms outstretched in hopes of getting their hands on the couple.
Jaemin looks at Renjun, swallows, and reaches into the large pocket of his pants to pull out a revolver. He cocks the gun and points it at the nearest zombie, giving Renjun a few beats to back away and cover his ears, then shoots. Chunks of zombie flesh are flung everywhere as Jaemin shoots a hole through one zombie, then another. He misses the next shot, but manages to shoot the next zombie in the nose, eyes flickering between the barbed wire structure in front of him and the spaces between. His final shot lands right into another zombie’s eye, and the click of the now-empty gun prompts Jaemin to shove it back into his pocket and rush into the house, where Renjun is holding the door open.
Renjun makes quick work of closing the door and locking it using the three installed locks. Jaemin pushes the nearest piece of furniture—the long abandoned TV stand—in front of the door. The two run out of the loft and into the living room where they shut the door there and do the same thing, Renjun assisting Jaemin with pushing one of the tables in front of the door. When they're done, they plop themselves on the patched-up loveseat placed in the center of the room to catch their breath.
"That was... really close," Renjun says, exhaling shakily and scooting closer to Jaemin, who wraps an arm around him. Renjun is quick to relax in Jaemin's hold, even with the sound of zombies growling and groaning outside. "Thank god you had that lighter when we hit that gas station."
"I grabbed it from the counter, actually. Thank god it worked." Jaemin smiles and swipes a bit of soot off of Renjun's cheek, frowning when he notices a small scrape on his other cheek. "You're all scratched up..."
Renjun shrugs and brushes Jaemin's gentle hand off, leaning closer to him and closing his eyes. "We can clean up later. My legs hurt from running so much."
"Did you drink water?" Jaemin asks, immediately getting up and grabbing his worn out backpack from the other side of the room, emptying its contents onto the wooden coffee table. Multiple water bottles roll out onto the wooden surface, along with a couple of beef jerky packets and canned goods. Jaemin takes one of the water bottles and nudges it into Renjun's arms. "You have to drink so you don't get dehydrated, Injunnie."
"Got it, mom." Renjun answers with a smile, grabbing the water bottle and drinking it in slow sips, wiping his mouth when he's done drinking.
"Don't call me your mom, that's weird." Jaemin playfully slaps Renjun on the arm as he drinks from his own water bottle, savoring the taste of water that isn't from the nearby lake for once. Renjun just giggles and props his feet up on the coffee table, relishing in the moment the two have to finally relax after their close call with the snarling zombies currently outside the place they call home. It's silent for a while, and once again, the two gravitate towards each other, lacing their fingers together and closing their eyes to try and hear the sound of their heartbeats over the commotion outside.
"I wish we could just have time to relax." Renjun murmurs quietly, tracing shapes onto Jaemin's palm. "Every day's the same now—fighting for our lives just to get a couple of extra supplies. What if—"
Jaemin shushes Renjun before he can even speak the idea, putting a finger over his lips and tracing a hand around his waist. "There isn't a use in thinking about what ifs. Just focus on now, okay?"
"Mmm, well... Right now there are a bunch of zombies trying to break into our house." Renjun buries his face in the crook of Jaemin's neck, voice muffled as he presses his lips to the skin there. "I'm cuddling with my boyfriend who I'd give my life for in an instant, and I'm still out of breath from setting a gas station on fire and making it explode to kill the large horde of zombies trying to eat our flesh for dinner."
"Perfect description of our current predicament! You've always been so observant, mon amour." Jaemin smiles and plants a kiss atop the crown of Renjun's head. "Just relax for now. I don't think they'd get past the barrier we put up."
"Don't jinx it, goddamn." Renjun quickly pulls away from Jaemin to knock on the wood of the coffee table, then settles into Jaemin's arms again, melting right back into his embrace. "So tired."
"Then sleep, Injunnie," Jaemin mumbles quietly, pressing a kiss to the side of his boyfriend's forehead. "I'll be right here, okay?"
"Mkay." Renjun hums quietly and rests his head on Jaemin's shoulder, untensing his shoulders and eventually relaxing into his hold. It's not often that Renjun is able to relax in Jaemin's hold like this—oftentimes, he is the one keeping night watch while Jaemin rests, sacrificing his sleep for their temporary safety. Seeing Renjun's relaxed limbs and even breaths brings a particular comfort to Jaemin—as if this is the peace he and Renjun have sought for so long.
"This is the peace I'd give my life for," Jaemin thinks to himself with a bitter smile, knowing this is as close to peace as they'll get.
🗝
Jaemin snaps awake when he hears a loud slam. Renjun must have heard it too, because he immediately gets to his feet and fumbles around for his second dagger, looking at the locked living room door with wild eyes. The sound of growling zombies is significantly louder now, and to Jaemin, he can hear it from all ends of the house. A horrible feeling weighs his heart down as he lifts himself off the couch, adrenaline washing away the fatigue in his bones as he spurs himself into action.
"Shit, I didn't even realize I fell asleep..." Jaemin frowns and immediately reaches down for his spear, fashioned out of a broomstick with a blade firmly wrapped around the tip, walking towards the living room door and opening it as much as he can manage. Through the crack in the door, he immediately notices the TV stand that had once been blocking the door is now on the floor. When he sees a roaming zombie he immediately shuts the door and staggers back, his heart sinking even deeper.
"They're inside," Jaemin manages to say, feeling nauseous as he swallows down the terror he's ignored for a long time. "They're inside the house, Jun."
"We need to escape out the back door, then." Renjun grabs his bag and immediately makes a beeline down the hall, past the bedrooms and the bathroom, to the well-protected back door that leads to an open backyard. Not the highest form of protection, but it would allow them enough time to slip away from the invading zombies long enough to find another zombie-free household. The routine is the same every time, and this time would be no different.
Renjun cracks open the back door before moving the dresser placed in front of it to scope out the area, yelping when he sees a zombie's hand reaching out for the opening in the doorway. He slices the hand with his dagger, then quickly slams the door closed, eyes wide as he backs away.
"They've got the back door. There's a bunch of 'em outside there too." Renjun says, his eyes wide and full of fear.
"Too many for us two to handle?" Jaemin asks quietly.
"We'd get overwhelmed if we tried to push our way past them." Renjun looks down grimly, anxiously running a hand over one of his sideburns.
"Windows," Jaemin says with a gulp. "Let's try the windows."
The two rush into the bedroom they share and pull back the curtains, only to see more zombies awaiting them. They both recoil from the window, with Renjun snaking a hand around Jaemin's wrist and Jaemin protectively holding his arm in front of Renjun, instincts that the two have never let go in the years they've ventured through together.
"N-No," Renjun stutters, backing out of the bedroom and stumbling back into the hallway. Jaemin closely follows him into the presumed guest room (neither of them had a use for it, and it technically wasn't their house, so they never truly knew its intended use), only to find the same sight awaiting them. Jaemin wraps a secure hand around Renjun's waist, ushering him out of the room and closing both doors.
"We're surrounded," Renjun exhales in disbelief. "We let our guard down for too long."
Jaemin's grip on his spear loosens, and he limply drops his arm by his side as he listens to the sound of zombies surrounding them on all sides, blocking any hope of a safe exit. His mouth feels dry, and the weights on his heart are heavy enough to send him falling back onto the couch.
"We can't risk trying to push our way past that zombie horde, can we?" He asks, his voice quiet enough for only Renjun to hear. "I don't think the ones in the living room are smart enough to remember that we're here."
Renjun's stare hardens as he glances over at the closed living room door. "We have to at least try, right?"
"I can clear the way," Jaemin formulates the plan on the spot, standing up and grabbing his spear. "It'll be a tight fit in that small loft, but I can keep them occupied for as long as possible while you make your way out through the front door.
"Jaemin, you can't. You'll get bitten if you try to keep back zombies in a place like that!" Renjun tries to keep his shouting down, but he winces when he hears another slam at the door in front of them.
"Renjun." Jaemin looks down at his boyfriend and lifts a hand to caress his cheek. "The chances of both of us getting out of this alive are slim, you know that right?"
"Jaemin..." The crack in Renjun's voice is almost enough to send Jaemin's walls of toughness crumbling, trying not to falter as his boyfriend looks back up at him with trembling eyes. "You can't do this to me."
"A long time ago, I made a promise to myself." Jaemin props his spear up against the wall and pulls Renjun into a tight embrace. He pulls back just enough to speak into Renjun's ear, tucking a strand of hair behind it. "I promised to myself that if I died, it would be because I was protecting you. If it means you can live on and survive, then this is the least I can do for you."
"That's exactly what Mark hyung said." A lone tear slips down Renjun's cheek. He takes a fistful of Jaemin's shirt in his hand and pulls him close—close enough that their noses touch. "You idiot. You can't just go sacrificing yourself like that! You can't..."
"I have to," Jaemin shakily replies, looking down at Renjun's face, now blurred because of the tears glimmering in his eyes. "You know it's what Mark hyung would have done."
"And that's what Mark hyung did!" Renjun cries out, holding back a sob as his shoulders tremble. He rests his forehead against Jaemin's shoulder, shaking in his boyfriend's arms as he continues. "He sacrificed himself so the rest of us could live on." He looks back up at Jaemin with shimmering eyes, his hands curling into fists that remain atop Jaemin's chest. There's another loud slam at the door, and then another.
"But we're the only ones left, Jaem. Out of everyone that Mark hyung sacrificed himself for. Chenle and Jisung got overpowered during that run to the forest. Yangyang went looking for Xuxi and never came back. Shotaro got bitten. Jen... Jen got bitten, asked us to end it before he turned. We buried Hyuck barely a month ago." Each fallen friend mentioned lands a blow to the walls surrounding Jaemin's heart, one by one, each loss still fresh in Jaemin's mind. He remembers each death like it was yesterday.
He doesn't want to lose anyone anymore.
"I know what you're thinking. You don't want to lose anyone. That's exactly what I'm thinking too, Jaem. I can't do this anymore." Renjun's shoulders rise and fall as he weakly sobs in Jaemin's arms, reaching for Jaemin's hand and squeezing it gently. "You're all I have left. Please..."
"Don't leave. You're my whole world, Jaemin. There isn't a point living a life where you're—..." Renjun breaks down into tears before he can finish his sentence, and that's the last blow Jaemin's walls can take. The tough front he had put up for so long comes tumbling down in a mess of tears as he gasps out a sob, caressing his cheek as if it'll be the last time he gets to feel Renjun's skin on his hand.
"You are my life, Renjun. It's been true since the day I got to call you mine for the first time. God... What was I thinking?" Jaemin holds onto Renjun like a lifeline, staring down at him, vision blurred from the tears that stream down his cheeks. An unimaginable weight hangs over his head, a decision he doesn't want to have to make looming in his distant thoughts as he holds Renjun infinitely close.
"I won't leave you, Jun. Not now, not ever." Jaemin whispers the words, hushed and quiet amidst the noise of zombies relentlessly invading the place they have called home for a few months.
"What do we do now, then?" Renjun asks, equally as quiet.
"What other choice do we have?" Jaemin answers, both fear and acceptance mixed in his voice as he inhales shakily.
Renjun is silent for a long time after that. He spends a few moments tracing abstract shapes into the fabric of Jaemin's shirt until another slam at the door jolts them both out of their tear-induced trance. The dresser wobbles dangerously, and Jaemin immediately moves to keep it flat against the door with the intent to buy them more time. He turns to look back at Renjun, who has placed his pack and dagger back on the coffee table and is looking at the ceiling like it has all the answers.
"I didn't think I'd be going out like this."
"Well, you didn't think we were going to grow old together in this kind of world, right?" Jaemin chuckles and grabs both of Renjun's hands, squeezing them and tracing his thumbs across his outstretched palms. Renjun sighs quiet and leans in to rest the side of his head on Jaemin’s chest,
"Mm, I don't know how much more of this I could have taken.” Renjun’s head remains steady on Jaemin’s chest, listening closely to the heartbeat of the only other living person in the room—and for all he cared, the only other living person in the world. “Maybe it’s better off this way.”
Jaemin rubs his thumbs in circles across Renjun’s palms soothingly again, jolting in his skin when he hears the door slam once again. The sound of wood splitting creates a lump in his throat that he fights to swallow down as he pulls Renjun close to him. Though his boyfriend has never outwardly fear for as long as they have known each other, he can feel it radiating off him in waves as he hides his face in Jaemin’s shirt.
“Jaemin-ah,” Renjun begins, voice shaky. The sound of wood splitting is louder this time, along with the sound of zombies trying to burst their way through the door. “I’m scared.” When Jaemin looks down at Renjun, his bottom lip is trembling, tear tracks clearing a way through his dirt-stained face. “I’m so, so scared—” His voice is lost to the sobs that violently rack through his body. Jaemin feels teardrops soak the fabric as his lover quietly sobs, and he struggles to fight back his own tears as he buries his face in Renjun’s hair.
“Me too, Injunnie.” Jaemin responds in a trembling, soft voice, hand gently carding through Renjun’s messy hair and keeping him close. “I… I’m scared too.”
And truly, Jaemin has never been more terrified in his life.
Even the idea swirling around in his head currently as zombies attempt to break into the living room sounds less terrifying than the thought of his and Renjun's impending doom. So, after taking a deep breath to ground himself, he pulls away from Renjun and places his hands on his shoulders, looking at him with an endeared stare that makes Renjun look curiously back up at him, eyes carrying adoration behind the weight of defeat that has boggled his expression down.
"I always meant to do this sometime in my life," Jaemin says, digging through the front pocket of his backpack and pulling out a locket that he'd swiped from an empty house when he and Donghyuck had gone on a supply run long ago. Donghyuck had teased him then, saying that he'd die before he ever got the chance to watch Jaemin propose to Renjun, attempting to make light of their bleak situation. Tears threaten to well in his eyes once again when he recalls the memory, but he fights it back as he stands before Renjun and falls down to one knee. "I guess we're gonna have to make this quick since we're a bit short on time."
Renjun stares down at Jaemin in confusion until it dawns on him, and he slaps a hand over his mouth as his eyes go wide. "Jaemin, oh my God—"
"I swear I've imagined a thousand ways to propose to you. I never expected to have to ask to marry you while in a position like—" Jaemin and Renjun both wince as they hear another loud bang at the door. He dutifully keeps his cool, holding the locket up to Renjun and opening it, as if revealing a ring inside a ring box. The locket is empty, but he hopes it does the trick. "A position like, well, this." Jaemin takes another deep breath, recalling all the words he wants to say to Renjun before continuing.
"I have loved you for a long time. Since the day you saved a bit of your ice lemon water for me after we played by the pool in our third year of high school, I have been in love with you." Jaemin's hands shake, but he toughens himself through the nervousness pulsing through his veins and looks up at Renjun, determined to finish his speech before the zombies break into the room. “I have loved you through countless college essays, finals seasons, dates to the hot pot place in downtown Seoul,” Jaemin tries his best not to choke up as memories from before ruin struck the world flash through his head. He relives his years with Renjun in a short moment as he keeps a firm hold on the locket in his head, continuing to look up at him with a determined gaze.
“I’ve loved you through the end of the world.” Jaemin finally sighs out, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “And seeing as we’ve spent the rest of our lives together, I thought it was only fair that I fulfill this one last wish before we…” Jaemin is silent as he takes a deep breath. “You know. So… Huang Renjun, will you marry me?”
“Asshole,” Renjun mumbles, voice wobbly as he crouches down to take Jaemin’s face in his hands. He rests his forehead on his boyfriend’s, letting the tears flow freely from his fluttering eyes. “I can’t believe you’re making me cry this much before our untimely demise.” He looks down at the locket still being held within Jaemin’s vigilant fingers and runs a hand over the heart-shaped charm, letting out a shaky laugh and smiling brightly. “Of course I’ll marry you, Jaemin.”
Jaemin lets out a sob of relief, and they both rise from the ground and close the gap between them for a momentary hug. They both ignore the sound of wood splitting and the wobbling of the table blocking the door as Renjun turns around to let Jaemin secure the locket around his neck. His fingers linger by the chain as they drift over their worn ridges and edges—though he knows this locket must have once been someone else’s, he knows it’s enough to seal their love with a crisp stamp and a seal of wax. The letter that encapsules their lives will be sent on its way soon—and Jaemin couldn’t feel more content with all that he managed to accomplish.
Nothing stands his way anymore—not the fear that tears at his heart piece by little piece, not the lingering regrets left behind by the ghosts of would-bes and could-have-beens, not even the feeling of defeat he has long since surrendered himself to.
For the first time in a long, long while, Jaemin has not a single worry in the world.
“Can I kiss the groom before we die?” Jaemin murmurs into Renjun’s hair as he buries his nose in the messy locks, hands once again wrapping around him in a secure hold. Renjun has always fit best in Jaemin’s arms, after all—and even Renjun can agree that the safest place on Earth is in Jaemin’s arms. Renjun looks up at Jaemin and laughs softly, cheeks red despite their damning situation, as if he’s never been kissed by Jaemin before.
“You may now kiss the groom,” Renjun replies immediately, and Jaemin wastes no time, leaning in to close the miniscule gap between the two. Kissing Renjun, no matter when or where, is as routine as waking up in the morning for Jaemin. Jaemin will always find himself here eventually, and it's no surprise to him that he is here at the end of the path they have spent so long forging, kissing Renjun like his life depends on it.
They are both breathless when they pull away, breaths ghosting each other's lips, gentle as a spring breeze in the last stretch of winter. Jaemin rests his forehead on Renjun's, closing his eyes and attempting to ignore the sounds of splitting wood and rattling furniture.
"I'm still scared," Renjun admits, closing his eyes and tracing patterns onto the back of Jaemin's shirt with his finger. "But a little less now that I'm a married man, I guess."
"We haven't even said our vows yet," Jaemin complains lightheartedly, pulling away and caressing the charm of Renjun's locket between his thumb and his index. He'd gone through the effort to clean it some time ago, with Donghyuck occasionally peering over his shoulder and teasing him for being so nervous about proposing to Renjun. The memory greatly amuses him, but also makes his heart feel hollow, aching for his best friend—and would-have-been best man. He hopes Donghyuck is smiling proudly from wherever he’s resting now.
"Let's say them now, then." Renjun reaches over to take Jaemin's hand and clasp it between his own, pressing his lips to his fingers.
"Are you kidding, babe?" Jaemin asks with a laugh, a slam at the living room door punctuating his sentence. They both listen to the sound of wood splitting, heads turning to see the wooden door beginning to splinter and break apart. Jaemin turns back to Renjun and gives him a look. “I don’t really think we have all the time in the world right now, unfortunate as it is.”
Renjun sighs in defeat, but nods in agreement as he takes Jaemin's other hand and looks down at their joined hands. "I can at least sing the song I wanted to sing at our wedding, right?" He juts his lower lip out, as if that were going to sway Jaemin's answer any further.
"I love your singing, Injunnie. How could I say no to that?” His head dips down so he can press a kiss into Renjun’s hair, swaying gently and creating a silent, soothing rhythm between the two as Renjun takes a deep breath, shakily exhaling. He looks up at Jaemin, and in the midst of the undead banging on their doors and windows, above the sounds of zombie groans and footsteps, he begins to sing.
Wise men say, only fools rush in
The world seems to slow as Renjun sings, quiet but clear to Jaemin, who looks at Renjun like he hung every star in the sky. The sounds of zombies fade into the background as the couple sway to Renjun’s voice, finding their own rhythm amongst the final moments of their life.
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Renjun’s voice is melodious, as beautiful as the first time Jaemin heard him sing so many years ago. He recalls a time similar to this, when they had ditched a school event to play in the courtyard, uniforms soaked with sprinkler water as they swayed to the rhythm of a Troye Sivan song playing from Renjun’s portable speaker.
Shall I stay? Would it be a sin
Jaemin recalls another memory: the day the two arrived at college, embracing each other tightly, ready to move into the next step of their lives together. He remembers running a hand through Renjun’s hair as he sang and sang and sang the night away until he fell asleep right in Jaemin’s lap. It’s one of Jaemin’s fondest memories, despite its sheer simplicity.
If I can’t help falling in love with you?
The next memory floods Jaemin’s head as Renjun continues to sing softly, carrying the melody on his lips delicately. Deep in the lake Jaemin, Renjun, and their friends had gone to visit for the weekend, the couple had embraced and shared a kiss. Renjun sings a song on Jaemin’s lips when he pulls away, a harmony dancing past his lips as he smiles at the love of his life.
Like a river flows, surely to the sea
Jaemin remembers the day the world fell apart like it was yesterday. News article after news article advising this and that, the entire planet Earth sent into a global panic due to the quick-spreading virus, Renjun huddling close to him in their shared apartment. He remembers being the one to sing Renjun sleep that night as they tried their best to block out the noise of chaos outside.
Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be
Despite the world growing worse as days crawled by and became weeks and months and years, Renjun had remained with Jaemin through it all. Even after their friends had all been lost to the merciless undead now ravaging the Earth, Renjun mustered up the courage to quietly sing a song as they stood in front of a row of graves, all dedicated to their fallen friends.
So take my hand
The sound of a door banging open pulls Jaemin out of his reminiscing reverie, bringing him back to the real world. Renjun’s voice wobbles as the sounds of zombies grow louder, but Jaemin pulls him closer and away from the door, where he knows the undead are beginning to enter the room. He blinks away the tears welling up in his eyes as he hears zombies stumble into the room, and he wraps his arms around Renjun to block out the noise as best he can for him.
Take my whole life too
A lifetime of memories he never had flashes through Jaemin’s mind as Renjun continues singing, despite Jaemin’s vice-like grip. He sees a glimmering ring on his and Renjun’s hand, a baby holding onto his thumb, a smiling Renjun with growing wrinkles on his face. He sees, ahead of him, the life he’ll never have, and he dips his head down to place one final kiss on Renjun’s head. He closes his eyes, whispering one last I love you into his lover’s hair, and then, all Renjun can respond with is the final line of their song.
For I can’t help falling in love with you
Jaemin smiles.