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Pin Hawthorne had never been to Ketterdam before. He had never had a reason to. His home island was just off the coast of Ketterdam – near Newfoort and a half hour ferry ride away – and yet Kerch ignored its existence entirely; possibly because there was really no profit to be made off of such a small island and what is Kerch if not obsessed with money and profit only anyway?

The few times Pin had been to the mainland, he hadn't had much of a chance to wander around and explore the gothic city. Now that he finally had reason to, he certainly had no regrets about not doing so sooner. The city was an enigma. It was masterfully constructed but it was evident from every spire, window and terrace that it was wealth and power that was on display and nothing more. The people either dressed in gaudy lavishness or rags depending on where you looked. The city was impressive in its beauty but all the gilded shine couldn’t hide the excessive dirt and humidity that stuck to every surface. The smog was thick and heavy from the industries and the acrid scent of cigarette smoke hung around every street corner. 

Despite the stark change in environment from Bright Fields, none of it really phased Pin. Having grown up with fresh air and open areas around him, the adjustment was odd and in certain corners Pin found it hard to breathe but he was nothing if not adaptable and he adjusted to the city fast, aided by his various trips to other Kerch cities earlier. Ketterdam was just bigger and dirtier than most of the ones he’d been to before. Pin was on a mission, an important one, and he refused to abandon it because of some minor protestations from his lungs. 

Pin grew up knowing only his father as his family after his mother left. And that was alright with him. The more people you let in; the more people could hurt you. So when Ted told his son that he had cousins away across to the mainland – his aunt's children – Pin had been apprehensive about looking for them. They had never met each other and he already knew how unreliable his mother's family was. But Pin also knew how lonely he had grown up, how much he had longed for family during vacations when everyone on the island either had someone over or left to meet relations on distant shores. He had always been a solitary child but that was more due to necessity than want. For a year, Pin stewed with the information his father gave him and did nothing but eventually his curiosity got the better of him. He decided he had to at least meet his cousins once. One meeting to make sure if they were worth his time.

Except finding his cousins turned out to be harder than expected. His father hadn't been able to tell him much. His Aunt Alida was his mother's younger sister but she had married a farmer and settled in a faraway town away from the island before Pin's own mother and had ended up disowned even before her elder sister. Apparently his aunt's resolute stubbornness had given his mother the courage to finally introduce Ted to the Duke hoping that, as the elder daughter and heiress, Peter the Elder would listen. He hadn't, and Pin's mother had ended up disowned as well.

Ted had only met Pin's aunt a few times. But from what he was able to tell Pin, the young man knew she hadn't run away like Pin's own mother had. She hadn't been cowardly the same way Pin’s mother was. She had stood up to her father and had left on her own, inspiring her older sister to do the same, but she had always tried to keep contact with both her father and her sister. She always tried to visit although fare from Lij was expensive. Ted had tried to maintain contact with her after Eliza left but the letters stopped soon after and so Pin’s father had no clue what happened to her after. Her last letters had indicated a sickness and no amount of investigating had yielded any information otherwise.

Figuring that was as much guarantee as any that his aunt was a better person than his mother, Pin set out to find her, hoping to make nice with what little family he had left. He went to Lij first but found the farm his father had given the address to closed. Nobody lived there. Nobody had for years. The neighbors in the area told him what he needed to know next.

Alida Rietveld had died of illness when her youngest son was five years old. That explained the sudden cut off of the letters around the time Eliza disappeared. Luuk Rietveld had died in a plowing accident a few years later. Nobody had seen the young Rietveld brothers a month since. They had sold the farm and had left to find work elsewhere but Pin at least had their names now. Jordan and Kazimir. 

Pin looked in Belendt first, hoping to find his cousins there. It was the kind of peaceful town where two young farm boys could have made a living for themselves but months of searching yielded nothing. He searched in the smaller towns surrounding Belendt next before an innkeeper from Lij, a woman who had known the Rietvelds before they moved, wrote to him and told him that young Jordie had hopes to making a fortune in Ketterdam. 

Pin had been searching in the grimy city for his cousins ever since. Nobody had ever heard the name Jordan Rietveld. No students were registered in the university under his or Kaz's name. Pin looked under both their birth names and nicknames. No mercher in the city had such a person on their employ and the stadwatch knew of no such persons either although they looked at him funny when he asked after the name ‘Rietveld’. Apparently there was almost a scam run on the merchant council with someone by the same name and in front of foreign dignitaries too. The news had made it all the way to Bright Fields and Pin had heard but was now foggy on the details.

Pin was close to giving up. He almost didn't bother searching the nefarious Staves. Young as he was, he hadn't been born yesterday and had had a lifetime of people taking advantage of him. He had avoided the East and West Stave and the Barrel next to it like the plague. He didn't want a confrontation with any gang and he certainly didn't want people trying to scam him of his money. But Pin didn't give up when he put his mind to something, and an irritating itch inside of him told him to search the Staves at least once before giving up on Ketterdam and searching anew in another town. 

Rationally he knew it was near impossible to search for his cousins in a country as large as Kerch. For all he knew his cousins were in Ravka or the Wandering Isles by now and he'd never meet them. But until Pin was certain, he would keep searching. Too many people had given up on him before he'd had a chance to prove himself. He wouldn't give up on his remaining family like his mother had. He was not his mother. He refused to ever be.

His determination was almost enough to blind him to the fact that people looked at him strangely in the Staves. He had noticed it in the rest of the city – people looked at him as if they recognized him, squinted at him as if he were someone they knew. It was something he hadn't experienced in Lij or in Belendt so it was easy to notice but it was inconsequential at best and a slight nuisance at worst while wandering the nicer parts of Ketterdam so he had brushed it off.

In the Staves there was no hiding it. The people stared at him in fear and in awe. Some glanced at his leg and hands which was even more confusing because, as far as Pin was concerned, they were perfectly normal. The children scattered when they saw him coming and adults started to glance at him furtively as if he would snap at them and kill them at the slightest glance. 

It bewildered him. As far as Pin knew, his being a Duke of a tiny island was hardly of consequence in Kerch where the monarchy had long been abolished. And yet somehow, people seemed to know and fear him. Pin wanted to know why. Did they know Peter the Elder (the Mad) by any chance? But they gave him a wide berth and Pin couldn't say that he wasn’t relieved. He wasn't in the mood of getting stalled by vendors or pickpockets when he was tired and on a mission. The Staves and Barrel were just a box he had to check off his list before giving up on Ketterdam.

He couldn’t help but catch the words they whispered as he walked by "Dirtyhands" and "Dregs" were the most common. The “Crow Club” was also mentioned as well so Pin thought he might as well start from there. It was one location among the many in the Staves and he really wanted to know if people thought he had something to do with it or if it was just a popular haunt of the Barrel in general. 

When he walked into the dimly lit club in the middle of the afternoon, a hush fell over the entire gambling parlor and chatter at the bar stopped. Pin raised an eyebrow at the way everyone’s actions halted. Activity resumed in a few moments but as Pin surveyed the scene before him, he couldn't help but notice that people were yet again looking at his legs as if they expected them not to work or something and fear now marred their expressions as if they expected him to snap and finally kill someone.

"Boss, what are you doing here?" 

Pin whipped around to see a young woman with blonde hair, highlighted in portions with a shocking pink and multiple ear piercings. She looked apprehensive of him as if she knew him which only served to further confuse the young man. 

When he didn't reply in the next second, she frowned. "Are you dealing right now? I thought you'd be doing paperwork at the slat?" 

"I was going to sit and play," Pin replied slowly, wondering why the girl was calling him boss. Was this a thing here? Were the customers called boss? Were patrons allowed to deal the cards? "I wasn't planning on dealing and I don't have any paperwork."

The blonde girl looked seriously concerned then. 

"Boss are you sure you're alright?" 

Pin scowled then. "Do I know you?" 

The girl blinked and looked at him more closely. Her eyes widened as she finally looked at them closely and then she slowly backed away. She went to a heavily built man in the corner as Pin made his way to the bar. He needed a drink. 

Ten minutes later, he was handcuffed and gagged and in the back parlor of the club. Pin wished he could say he knew this was coming. He hadn't expected much better from the underbelly of Ketterdam and yet he was furious for attempting to search in this part of the city for his cousins. ‘Of course, they wouldn't be here’, Pin reprimanded himself. They'd be insane to try and live among people like this. 

"Who are you?" the heavily built man asked him threateningly, ripping off the gag forcefully as he did so. Pin bit back a groan as the cloth left rope burn on his face. 

"Pin Hawthorne," He spat out. "What’s the meaning of this? I didn't do anything!" 

"Impersonating Dirtyhands takes guts, I'll admit," the girl with the pink and blonde hair said again. "But even you can't have a death wish. The person who did this must be a fine tailor. Who are you working for and why are you impersonating Dirtyhands?" 

Pin's scowl deepened. "I don't know a Dirtyhands!" 

"You really think you can fool us with that, kid? Everyone knows Dirtyhands."

"Well unfortunately for you, I don't. I'm not even from Ketterdam. I'm just here on business looking for my family so let me go!" 

“A likely cover story,” the girl sneered. She held a gun to his head and Pin gulped. This was getting serious.

“It’s not!” Pin insisted. “I’m not from Ketterdam and I don’t know anything about Dirtyhands or whoever runs this part of the city. Let me go and I’ll leave and never show my face again.”

The girl and guy straightened then, a conflicted look passing over their faces despite the disgust they leveled Pin with. They walked away from him, talking in hushed whispers for a few moments before coming back. 

"For your sake, you better hope you're telling the truth. Dirtyhands himself is on his way now," the heavily built man said. Pim was his name according to the blonde girl, Anika. 

"Great," Pin said. Sarcasm dripped from every word and he knew it was a bad idea to antagonize literal gang members who just held a gun to his head moments earlier but he wasn't one to back down from a fight especially when he had done nothing wrong. Pin didn’t know much about the legal system in Ketterdam and he also knew gangs like these were beyond the law but he refused to give up without fighting for himself. Long gone were the days he just took any abuse lying down. 

The door slammed open the next minute. 

"Anika, Pim, this better be good. I ordered you not disturb me today an-" 

The man who had swept in wore a menacing scowl on his face, not unlike the one Pin wore himself. His eyes were a bitter brown contrasting to his own blue and he wore an all-black ensemble with a black coat on top. His hands were covered with leather gloves and in them he held a cane with a crow's head. He looked almost exactly like Pin and upon seeing the captive, he stopped short. 

"What is this?" he grit out sharply. His voice was cold and both of Pin's captors flinched. 

"We thought he was you, boss," Anika said. "But it was clear he wasn't so we captured him and interrogated him. Says he doesn't know you."

Pin instantly felt the beak of the crow’s head pinch against his neck. It was sharp and could tear through his jugular at any moment. Pin felt dread pool in his stomach for the first time since he’d been captured, the anger giving way.

The man who looked so much like him, glared intensely, his voice chilling despite its volume. "Who. Are. You." He demanded.

"Peter Hawthorne." 

"Who sent you and why are you tailored to look like me," the man spat. “Poorly too,” he added with disgust giving Pin a once over. Pin had a feeling he was talking about the eyes. 

"Not tailored," Pin gasped as the cane dug deeper into his throat as if the man in front of him wanted to claw the answers out of his throat. "I'm looking for my cousins. Kaz and Jordie. Don't know who you are."

But Pin did know who he was. There was no one else it could be. Not with a face so much like his own, it could have only been from his aunt. The same as Pin's face was his own mother's. This was his cousin. One of them, at least.

"OUT!" 

The man didn't have to repeat himself. Anika and Pim scurried out of the room. His cousin kept his eyes on him as if sizing him up, trying to figure out how he could torture the captive in front of him. Pin didn’t know how but he knew he had to convince this man to let him go. Convince him that they were family. His eyes were dark as coal and remorseless and Pin didn’t want to die in a case of mistaken identity theft.

"Jordie?" Pin asked cautiously. His heart was still racing and the cane was still against his throat but he had to ask, he had to know. Was this really his cousin? 

Something murderous flashed in those bitter eyes and Pin found the cane removed from his throat and himself the victim of a punch that knocked him sideways in the next moment.

"Did Pekka finally remember his name then," Dirtyhands rasped. "Is that why he sent you? Tailored you up to look like me to try and get a rise?" 

Pin gulped as the pain bloomed across his cheek and shoulder where he had hit the floor. This wasn't going how he planned at all. 

"I don't know what you're talking about," he tried again. "My name is Peter Hawthorne. I live off an island near Newfoort. My mother was Eliza, daughter of the Duke. I'm looking for her sister Alida’s sons. Kazimir and Jordan Rietveld. They also go by Kaz and Jordie."

The man inhaled suddenly. His eyes wide. The cane he was holding clattered to the ground and he backed up. His eyes were still sharp and intense but he looked almost lost. As if he could see Pin but was seeing through him and sizing him up at the same time. 

"Jordie is dead," he spat finally.

It was silent for a beat. 

"Kaz?" Pin ventured again. He wasn't sure if mistaking this man’s name twice would get him another punch to the face but if this wasn't Jordie, it could only be Kaz. 

The name must have snapped his cousin out of whatever stupor he had fallen into because he turned back to Pin, glare just as intense. "Kaz Rietveld is dead too."

Pin found his hands unbound the next moment and Kaz was looking down at him in fury. "Get out. I don't want to see you on my turf again. Your cousins are dead. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t search for them again."

With that said, he turned around and walked out the door, leaving the echo of its slam behind him. Pin stood up slowly, ignoring the fact that he was still trembling from fear. His hand came up to his mouth where his lip was bleeding from the punch and his jacket was torn from the fight where he had tried to resist his capture. 

It took another few minutes before his legs were stable enough that he could stand and leave the club… but at least he finally knew where his cousin was. 

Pin went back to the safer part of the city, not at all eager to stay in the Staves any longer. He had found his cousin who was apparently somewhat deranged which answered the question as to why people looked at him with fear earlier that day. 

His cousin looked exactly like him.

Pin always knew he looked a lot like his mother. It was a fact he tried not to think about ever since she had left him for the second time. But he hadn't realized his cousin would look exactly like him too, a carbon copy of Aunt Alida. Pin knew from old pictures that his aunt and mother looked scarily like twins too. He wondered if Kaz had known.

Pin found himself asking someone on the street about Dirtyhands, unable to contain his curiosity any longer. The man, thankfully, didn't seem to know of his cousin's face, just his name, because Pin was met with a laundry list of horrifying acts his cousin had been committing since he was 9 years old. Kaz Brekker, or Dirtyhands as he was better known, was the leader of the Dregs – the strongest gang in the Barrel – and had overthrown the previous leader less than 2 years ago. He had committed every heinous crime one could think of and was best avoided as were any establishments connected to him unless you didn't want to find yourself a body floating face down in the canal. 

The man gave every gruesome detail he knew then went on his way, shuddering as he went so, but clearly pleased with himself for helping out a tourist in need of guidance; certain that Pin would now successfully be able to avoid Dirtyhands and everything to do with him. 

Instead, Pin thought long and hard what he was to do next. He was supposed to catch the ship back to Newfoort in a bell's time but he ignored it. He knew Zoe would worry but his father wouldn't. This wasn't the first time he had spent days looking and although Pin had promised to be home since Ketterdam wasn't far from the island, he knew he had to stay. 

For the first time since beginning his search, Pin was caught in a lurch. He had never considered the idea that his cousin may not know him, may not want to see him. Pin had been so focused on looking that he had hardly considered what he’d do when he found his cousins. Kaz clearly didn't want to see him despite being alive.  

Did Kaz even know he had a cousin before this point? His behavior didn’t seem to indicate so. And what had happened to him that made him want to push Pin away so violently? Pin's hand went up to his jaw which was still smarting, a purple bruise now forming. He knew well about pushing people away to protect yourself. He had done it his whole life. For some reason, Kaz was doing the same (except more violently since he was a mob boss after all) and Pin knew why. His mother and father were dead and if Jordie wasn't secretly a criminal mobster too, then Kaz was alone in the world. Had been alone until Pin appeared just now. 

But Pin knew that being alone wasn't as great as one assumed it to be from a distance. It was lonely and difficult and often unnecessary. Zoe had taught him that. Helped him let people in again. And Pin knew he couldn't give up on his cousin just yet even if getting him to open up would be harder. Pin didn’t put in effort where he felt it unnecessary, but he knew he owed it to himself, his aunt and his cousin to try at least. After that, if Kaz never wanted to see him, Pin would have no reason to bother either. 

Kaz felt like he'd been hit over the head with a bludgeon.

He had never expected to find more living family of his own. He had looked into his own family's history back when he had bought back the Rietveld farm under the name Johannus Rietveld. He had known his father was an only child and that his mother had a sister who had been disowned. He also knew his grandfather had been a Duke but had never bothered to look into it after finding out the man was rumored insane.

Kaz didn't need family. That's what he had told himself. He had found out his grandfather had died a few years ago and had felt nothing. Good. That's the way he wanted it. Kaz didn't know where his aunt was in the world but he didn't want to look. There was no record of her after she'd been disowned and Kaz hadn't cared enough to follow the trail, too afraid of what he might find. 

The last thing he expected was a cousin. Or more importantly: a cousin who came looking for him. 

Kaz had assumed that if he didn't bother to look, clearly no one else would. He didn't even know he had a cousin. He hadn't bothered to keep up with any news from the tiny island his grandfather had lived on ever since he had died. He hadn't known if there was a new Duke and he certainly hadn't known it was his cousin. 

Peter Hawthorne. 

How ironic. The same first name as their grandfather. All the more reason Kaz hadn't realized the dukedom had been passed on. Kaz had assumed the money had been frozen and the estate overrun. He had considered robbing the place once, it wouldn’t have been hard, but he had talked himself out of it too afraid of what he might find of his mother’s history.

Peter had come looking for him. For Jordie. Peter was too late. 

Kaz Rietveld had died alongside Jordie Rietveld and Kaz Brekker had hopefully done a good enough job to scare Peter off from trying to look for him again. Kaz didn't want blood family. All they ever did was die and leave him alone. He'd much rather choose his own crew, like his crows. People who he knew were reliable and dependable and could take care of themselves. Kaz didn't know Peter's history, but someone like him would never survive Ketterdam. The fact that he hadn’t been plucked like a hapless pigeon so far was a miracle and likely to do with the fact they were almost identical. No one in the Barrel was stupid enough to think Kaz Brekker a pigeon or try their luck getting near him especially if they thought him undercover like Peter would have been mistaken as. Kaz knew it was better to send him away before something happened and people realized the man walking around without a limp and gloves wasn’t him. 

Which is exactly why he was infuriated the next day when Anika came to knock on his office door. She looked nervous as if she knew she was about to say something he wouldn't like to hear. 

"Out with it," He snapped. He didn't have time for his lieutenant to get over her nerves. He had paperwork to finish. Paperwork he should have finished the previous day if Peter hadn't shown up. 

"Peter Hawthorne is here, boss," she blurted out uncomfortably. 

"Tell him to leave," Kaz snapped back, angry at Anika for even needing to inform him of such a thing. He hadn't expected his cousin to come back but if he was under the mistaken notion that Kaz would warm up to him then he was in for a rude awakening. 

"He refuses to."

"Then drag him out."

When Anika didn't move, Kaz sighed, his eye twitching irritably at Anika's hesitation. What was his lieutenant good for if she couldn’t carry out this simple task? "Well?" he snapped, causing her to visibly wince. 

"He said you can try to push him away all you want, boss. But he knows where to find you and how to keep looking. He said he won't leave even if we make him."

Kaz stood up then, glaring down at Anika. "Give him some bruises, break his hand, threaten to kill him. I don’t care what you do. Just make him leave however you must or I'll throw you all face first into the canals myself."

Kaz finally let out a huff of relief as Anika closed the door behind him. He felt a migraine incoming but ignored it, turning back to the ledgers in front of him. 

Half an hour later, he heard someone trying to pick the lock on his window. For a moment Kaz thought he was hearing things. Inej never made a noise when she picked his locks and she was the only one who dared to do so. But when the noise was incessant, Kaz finally looked up right as the window burst open and someone fell through. 

Kaz looked on in bewilderment as Peter Hawthorne broke into his office. The boy blinked once, then twice and then stood up, looking around the room as if it was some sort of novelty and as if he was not in the presence of the most fearsome gangster in Ketterdam. 

Kaz tried to hide his shock at his cousin's audacity. Nobody dared to pick the lock of the main door to the Slat let alone break into Dirtyhands' office. But his cousin had clearly done just that. Perhaps Kaz didn't give him enough credit. Despite being a country boy, he clearly knew how to get into trouble and Kaz hated that he was already intrigued about his remaining family just by this observation alone. 

"Didn't know you were so eager for another bruising so soon, Peter," Kaz spat, turning back to his papers, trying to appear unfazed. “I thought I told my gang to break your hands if you refused to leave.” From the corner of his eye, he could see his cousin scowl. He ignored how odd it felt, seeing his own face mirrored in someone else. 

"Pin. Pin Hawthorne. Only my dad calls me Peter."

Kaz ignored him. "I told you to leave."

"And I told you I'm looking for my cousins."

"I told you what happened to your cousins, Peter." He still refused to look up, stressing on Pin's name, hoping it would be petty enough to annoy his cousin away. 

"Well you're clearly sitting in front of me, Kazimir, so the grim reaper hasn't gotten to you yet," Peter replied, ignoring Kaz's use of his full name.

He knew Kaz was trying to get a rise out of him and wasn't falling for the bait. He had turned the tables on him instead. Kaz hated that it worked. He hadn’t heard his full name spoken in years. He didn’t want anyone to speak it. Peter clearly knew this and was using his own strategy against him. Damn him.

"I'm not the cousin you're looking for," Kaz growled.

"You're Kaz Bekker," Peter replied as if reading Kaz's mind. "And that's fine. Semantics don't matter although it did make you harder to find. Almost a year and a half of searching for you under Rietveld, you bastard, and you were half an hour's boat ride away the whole time."

Kaz finally gave up the pretense and set down his pen. He finally looked up to glare at his cousin directly. 

"I didn't tell you to look. What do you want with me?" 

Peter hesitated for a moment, as if trying to figure out what to say in the most approachable way possible. "You're the only family I have left other than my dad and it appears the same is for you."

"I don't need family," Kaz ground out. "You're wasting your time."

"You have some anyway. And the time is mine to waste." 

“Fine, then you’re wasting my time. I'm not interested in Rietveld's family. They're dead to me." 

"Too bad."

Peter dragged out the chair in front of Kaz's desk, maintaining eye contact the whole time, and plopped himself on it comfortably. His jaw was upturned in a challenge. The "Just try and turn me away," went unsaid. 

"Get out of my office or I will have you killed, Peter. Your sentimentality for family means nothing to me." Kaz snarled. 

Pin didn't look phased at all. "I'll pass on your regards to Jordie then, seeing as I'll be seeing him before you. I’m hoping he’ll be more welcoming." 

Kaz slammed his hands on the table as he stumbled to his feet. Who did this cowardly farm boy think he was, barging into his office, speaking of Jordie's death as if it was nothing.

A punch landed on Pin's face, throwing him out of his chair and then another hit to the stomach with the cane before the older boy had a chance to react but the next moment he'd gotten his bearings, stood up and thrown a punch right back. Kaz was used to receiving punches but the mention of Jordie followed by the skin-on-skin contact from the punch suddenly left him reeling. 

He heaved, eyes flashing as he tried to push the nausea down. Pin didn't try to take another swing although the fury in his eyes indicated he was considering it. He didn't appreciate being manhandled and two near beatings, two days in a row was getting annoying. Kaz stood defiantly in front of Pin but didn't try to take a swing again. He couldn't break down right now and one more touch would do just that. He was already overwhelmed and today the anger and adrenaline refused to push through.

"Never speak of Jordie again," he hissed, venomous. His voice held a promise of death. If he hadn’t been serious before, he certainly was now and he made it known.

Pin, for his part, looked ashamed. It had been a low blow and he knew it. Kaz's murderous rage hadn't died down. It probably wouldn't for a while. 

"Sorry," Pin apologized. It was genuine, open, honest. All the things Kaz no longer was with anybody. All the things that made him unworthy of family. 

"You won't find any comradery with me," Kaz finally spat bitterly. "You won't find yourself a friend or whatever you were expecting a long-lost cousin to be so Go Home."

"What a pity," Pin drawled out sarcastically. "I'm heartbroken I won't be able to use the picnic baskets and photo albums I've been saving for this tearful family reunion."

The response was flippant, indifferent. The same way Kaz would respond to people trying to get a rise out of him.

Kaz glared at Peter and Peter glared back with the same intensity, mirroring his glare to a terrifying degree. Kaz hated the fact that Pin didn't look afraid of him, despite the purple bruising on his jaw and disheveled appearance – evidence of the fight he'd been in with the Dregs who had tried to get him to leave and again from when Kaz had fought him just now.

Despite whatever he may have heard about Dirtyhands since yesterday, Pin had had the audacity to break into Kaz's office without fear. Kaz knew Pin had to have asked people about him or else he never would have found the Slat. Peter Hawthorne knew his whispered reputation which was much more severe and damning than his actual bloody ledger which was by no means for the faint hearted as it was. And yet he'd come back anyway and spoke without fear… or at least did a good job of hiding it.

Kaz could see Pin was getting more and more uncertain by the minute and yet he refused to break first. Kaz wanted to break every finger in his cousin’s hand just to prove to him that he was terrifying and loathsome and not at all worth this effort. He wanted to make Pin regret coming to find him. He wanted to deny any effort towards affection that was being shoved on him unwillingly. But Pin would keep fighting though, and over the years, Kaz had been the one who had grown tired of fighting.

His cousin was too much like him, and maybe that was the realization that forced Kaz to break. If his cousin was anything like him, which he was, he wouldn't break first out of sheer stubbornness even if it killed him. And if he was anything like Jordie, which Kaz could also see, he wouldn't leave Kaz alone until he gave in. 

Kaz was at a stalemate. He wanted to violently shove his cousin out of his office, out of his life and with enough threats that he knew Pin would never attempt to seek him out again but something was stopping him. It sounded remarkably like Inej's voice and right as he was gearing up to fight Pin again, the waters be damned, he felt the fight leave him like the wind draining out of the sails in The Wraith when she docked at Berth 22.

His crows had drained him of any fight he had. They had refused to take no for an answer over the years when Kaz shut himself in and for the first time, Kaz realized, he had forgotten how to fight them off too. And now he didn’t know how to fight Pin off either.

He was neither useful, nor was he the enemy so he was useless to Dirtyhands. He was someone who came for Kaz Rietveld but for Kaz Brekker he fell closest to the category of friend than enemy. Kaz’s instincts refused to respond to him in the way they once would have: by letting Dirtyhands take control to end him.

Instead, he huffed before dragging himself to his cabinet and getting out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey before he changed his mind. He practically threw one at Peter who tried to hide his relief as he caught it anyway before the tumbler crashed to the floor. 

They sat in silence. It was the closest thing to acceptance Kaz was willing to offer.

Pin came to visit Kaz every week. The early conversations were awkward and stilted. Pin never asked about Jordie again and Kaz never bothered to ask about Pin's own family either. Instead, they volunteered information that couldn't hurt, that a bit of research into the other would reveal just as easily. 

Kaz was a Barrel boss. 

Pin was a Duke. 

Kaz owned the Crow Club and The Silver Six. 

Pin owned Bright Field stables and the Duke’s estate back on the island. 

How they came to their positions was easier to discuss than the obvious elephant in the room. Questions like how did you become like this? And why did you come looking for me? why now? why not earlier? 

Grudging as he was to admit it, Kaz enjoyed his cousin's presence. He was snarky and blunt but kind as well. He was also older than Kaz by a year, something Pin took great joy in finding out. Every opportunity after he had taken to annoying Kaz about it. He was also half an inch taller. 

It was uncomfortably reminiscent of the way Jordie used to tease him about the same things and yet every time Kaz opened his mouth to demand Pin stop, his tongue refused to form the words. He was afraid of what asking such a thing would entail, what secrets and stories he’d have to part with to garner his cousin’s agreement. But a part of Kaz also knew that Pin would listen, would respect his boundaries and wouldn’t demand more information. Still, Kaz never said anything, the words always dying behind his lips.

It hardly hurt, he convinced himself, having Jordie’s memory revived in such a way. Kaz knew if he had the chance, Pin would try and ruffle his hair too. He never did. Kaz didn't know how Pin knew, but he seemed to realize Kaz wasn't comfortable with touch and never overstepped. It was hard to determine if Pin realized this after Kaz had given up after their very lackluster fight in his office on their second meeting, and yet the younger boy appreciated the silent consideration all the same. 

As much as Kaz enjo- tolerated Pin's visits, he refused to return the favor. Pin never asked him to either. He always made the travel from Newfoort himself, no matter how busy he was. The unspoken invitation to visit Bright Fields was always there every time he got up to leave, but Kaz never took it and resolutely ignored any sign of it. His cousin had wanted to be the one to meet him and so he could make all the effort as far as Kaz was concerned. Kaz himself was completely uninvested and if Pin were to stop visiting so much maybe he'd finally be able to get more work done. And yet, Kaz never made excuses not to see Pin. His schedule was miraculously open the days Pin decided to visit. However, he refused to go to Bright Fields for as long as he could… at least until his crows found out. 

Kaz hadn't told his friends that his long-lost cousin had found him and was meeting with him once a week for months. He didn't exactly know how to bring up the topic. Anika and Pim were under strict orders not to tell anyone and they knew better than to try and disobey Kaz.

Kaz knew Inej suspected something but she didn't push. She'd gone and returned from two voyages – each a month long – in between Pin first meeting him and his regular visits. She always knew when something was up with Kaz but she also knew he'd tell her on his own. Even if she had gleaned something, she pretended not to know for his sake. Kaz closed up the more you tried to draw out of him and she knew better than to try to force him to share something when he wasn't ready. 

The other crows though, had heard the whispers in the street. Of a Kaz Brekker walking the Barrel without a cane and with less of a menacing look than usual. Of a Kaz Brekker that wore clothes other than black. No one besides Anika and Pim had ever seen the two boys together in a room which was why no one suspected a thing. And Kaz neither confirmed nor denied the fact that he wandered around in costume in full daylight when Jesper and Nina asked.

Kaz wanted to tell Pin that the older boy was ruining his street cred. That his insistence on walking through the city casually when people believed it to be Kaz (because who even knew there was a Duke remaining on Newfoort let alone one related to Kaz Brekker?) was forcing him to be more ruthless and conniving and cruel on missions and parleys with other gangs just to keep his image still pristine as a ruthless killer. He never did, opting instead to take the burden of being ruthless himself and dismissing the rumors as delusions to his crows when they asked. 

That is, until their weekly game night at the club which Kaz forgot to reschedule because Pin was due for a visit.

The crows were used to Kaz locking himself in his office and forgetting to come. It was a common occurrence to have to drag him out, actually. But their irritation at the detour to get Kaz melted off their face as they barged into his office and turned to slack jawed confusion as they saw what appeared to be Kaz Brekker sitting at his desk looking up at them as well as Kaz Brekker sitting on the seat opposite to him, turned around so he was facing the door to see the newcomers. 

"There's two of them…" Wylan finally broke the silence. 

"TWO of them?" Matthias sputtered. He looked like he was two seconds away from a heart attack. "Isn't one demjin enough for this place? Now there's another?"

Jesper just blinked, muttering under his breath as he wondered if he'd already drunk too much at home before they even got to the club but it was Nina who looked the most gleeful as she stepped out into the room. 

"Well well," she cackled. "Kaz Brekker has a secret twin! I knew something was off about you Brekker. It was only a matter of time before we found out."

"Shut the door!" Kaz only snapped to the others, ignoring Nina entirely. He knew this was coming. It would take more effort to deny it than it would to cover it up with lies especially now that they had actually seen Pin. And Kaz had promised Inej he wouldn’t lie to his crows anymore (although lying by omission was still game as far as he was concerned). 

Inej tried to hide a smile as she took up her usual perch on the window sill. 

"I'm Pin Hawthorne," the Kaz impersonator finally spoke, introducing himself. He raised his eyebrow as he took in the odd group of people that had infiltrated the office.

"He's real!" Jesper exclaimed upon hearing his voice. 

"Of course, he's real idiot!" Kaz was not enjoying this at all. He was only waiting for the overreaction to hit. 

"That's some real fine tailoring, Kaz?" Wylan offered him an out weakly. "Is it for a mission you haven't told us about yet? Do I have to make some explosives for you again?" 

The impersonator replied again. "Not tailored, I'm afraid. Just a cousin on a visit."

"I didn't know Kaz had a cousin," Nina crowed, still gleeful about this new revelation. 

"Neither did he," Pin replied. He offered an amused smile then which only seemed to freak out the group of people even more. 

"The demjin can smile?" Matthias gaped in horror. 

"You've seen me smile, Helvar," Kaz's scowl deepened. 

"Once a year if we're lucky," Jesper countered. 

They all turned to look between the two cousins. Besides the difference in Pin’s blue and Kaz’s brown eyes, Kaz’s face was paler and sharper due to more stress. Pin had a healthier pallor to his skin from hours in the sun as well as some freckles. His eyes held a glint of amusement and were devoid of bags as dark as Kaz’s although he had them too. His hair was also a few shades lighter and his physique lacked the tension that Kaz’s almost always held.  

"You have to admit it's strange," Inej finally spoke up. She had a smile of her own and Kaz turned his glare on her but she only grinned back, forcing him to look away. He knew she had known about Pin's visits all along. She had just never said anything for his sake. She also hadn't warned him about the clash between the visit and their game night at the club on purpose for this very reason. If she was to pretend she didn't know anything, then she would play that part completely even Kaz had to deal with the consequences which were currently his entire group of friends gaping at him and his near identical body double. 

Kaz groaned, finally, snapping at them all to take a seat. This would be a long night of introductions. He already felt the headache incoming and yet he couldn't figure out why, internally, he only really wanted to smile. 

They were forcing him to go to the stables. Kaz knew this would happen which was also one of the many reasons he had kept his crows from meeting Pin for so long. Unfortunately, now they knew. And therefore, that meant an impromptu trip to Newfoort the very next week. 

Pin had finally extended a verbal invitation in the presence of all the crows the previous week. He had looked like he was doing it only out of polite courtesy especially after Jesper had curiously asked about all the horses but the devilish glint in Pin's eyes as he glanced at Kaz before making the offer was damning evidence. Pin knew Kaz's friends wouldn't refuse the offer, taking any opportunity to learn more about Kaz and his unexpected kin. He knew that they would force Kaz to come along too. 

Pin was too good at this game. Kaz didn't like it. Inej clearly knew because she had laughed at him later on after everyone had left. 

"Stop sulking, Kaz" she had reprimanded. 

Kaz Brekker did not sulk. He schemed and he stewed in his own rage and he walked himself out of all corners. He didn't have time to sulk. Sulking was for people who had no control over their lives. And yet as he scowled almost petulantly at his love, knowing she'd force him to visit his cousin's stables he felt remarkably as if he was doing just that in that moment.

Inevitably, he found himself on a ferry to Newfoort along with the rest of the crows, glaring at the deck of the boat as if it was personally responsible for his suffering while the others chattered excitedly instead. 

"I haven't been to any of the Kerch islands," Inej told him as she stood next to him. Her mouth formed a smile, lovely and free and she closed her eyes against the sea spray. Even if it was a short trip, she loved being on the ocean. 

Seeing her this way, Kaz was taken back to a time where they stood side by side on another deck, underneath stars instead of the early grey Ketterdam fog. She had asked him to lower his armor then. He had been doing that in different ways since then; telling her about his life in Lij, what happened to Jordie, and taking off his gloves. But he had failed to tell her what has been happening in his present. Even if she found out herself, she had deserved to find out from him. And while Kaz knew that Inej understood why he hadn't told her, he felt he owed her an apology anyway. 

"I only knew my mother's father was the Duke," he said instead. "She was disowned for marrying my father. Her sister disappeared too. I didn't want to look."

I was too afraid to look. 

He saw from the corner of his eyes as she turned to him and he turned to look at her too. He knew Inej could read the fact that he was nervous. She had grown up surrounded by so much love and family. This was all new and terrifying for Kaz. 

"And yet someone came looking for you." 

It was a statement. Inej's eyes held a sparkle but were serious like when she usually told him one of her Suli proverbs. 

"I didn't expect it."

"Because you didn't look." Her voice was almost teasing. They were talking in a circle now. 

Kaz turned his eyes back to the horizon where the ferry they were on grew closer to the islands. Newfoort was the large one in the middle. Pin lived on one of the smaller ones surrounding it. 

"It's alright to be scared, Kaz." Inej reminded him gently. 

"I have nothing to fear, Wraith. He's a farm boy."

"Just like you were?" 

Kaz didn't reply.

"He came looking for a reason, Kaz. And he didn't leave too, despite all he knows now. He's been in and out of the Barrel a dozen times already and knows how to look after himself. Perhaps that's worth trying for."

Kaz refused to look after, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. Because that was it wasn't it? Kaz had spent his whole life convincing himself that his family would be ashamed of him. His mother and father would hate what he had become. Jordie’s ghost had never stopped reprimanding him even though everything Kaz had become was for him. And the Duke… Kaz hadn't bothered going to his grandfather for help. He had been old enough to manage alone by the time he had found out of his existence and the fact that he had disowned Kaz's mother was proof enough that he would be unwanted. A criminal grandson would have been even worse than a peasant. 

But then Pin had come looking for Kaz. His first greeting from the Barrel boss had been a sneer and a bruise and yet he had come back, insisted on it in fact, and had come back every week since. He appeared to be strangely proud of Kaz although it was evident Pin wasn't entirely thrilled with Kaz's line of business. It was nothing Kaz had ever hoped for let alone expected. How was that family? Wasn't his family supposed to be ashamed of him? Why wasn't Pin? 

"I'm here now, aren't I?" Kaz finally said gesturing to the ferry rocking beneath his feet. His tone was harsh but his eyes were vulnerable. 

Inej sighed, choosing not to remind Kaz that the only reason he was here was because they had made him. 

"You're here now," she allowed. "You should keep trying."

She glanced at the gloves he was wearing but Kaz knew that wasn't all she was talking about. 

"Alright."

His voice was barely audible over the waves, even to himself. But Inej saw and she turned to look back out at the sea. Her hands slipped over his then. He had taken off one of his gloves and she covered his hands with her own, as if protecting him from the sea spray. 

He had promised to take off his armor for her; she would be his guardian instead.

Pin was waiting for them at the docks of the island. Unsurprisingly, he was on a horse that he introduced as Elvis and behind Elvis was attached a cart rather than a carriage. 

"How the nobility have fallen," Kaz commented dryly upon seeing their transportation. 

Pin grinned in response. Kaz was teasing him. That meant he wasn't in an entirely bad mood about being forced to visit. "Get on without complaint or it's off to the dungeons with you."

The crows all clamored in and it quickly became apparent why Pin had chosen a hay cart instead of a carriage. The island was lush and green and lovely. Everything Ketterdam wasn't. The Crows hadn't seen such lovely greenery in quite a while. 

"Feels like being back on Da's farm," Jesper sighed. Nina breathed in the fresh air next to him. 

Kaz found himself taking a deeper breath than usual too. The island reminded him of Lij. Granted, Lij wasn't close enough to the sea and the air of the island was still heavy with the scent of sea salt but it was fresh and clean and Kaz's lungs felt greedy for the kind of air he hadn't had the opportunity to breathe in since he was nine years old. 

Inej turned her face to the sun next to him, her oil black lashes falling closed as she felt the wind on her cheeks. Wylan was grinning and even Matthias was pleased to finally be breathing in more than smog, something he had complained about in Ketterdam every other week they'd known him. 

The pleasant trip came to an end much too soon. 

"Here we are," Pin said finally, stopping by a gate surrounded by a group of buildings. A blue sign that read ‘Bright Fields Stables’ was nailed to the gate and one by one the crows all hopped out of the cart as Pin dismounted and led them in. 

"Welcome to Bright Fields," he said. He looked proud of the place but Kaz could sense his nervousness, even as they all looked around. He squared his shoulders almost defensively as if scared they'd criticize it before relaxing again. His tell, Kaz realized. 

"It's lovely," Inej commented with a kind smile as they took in the front yard. 

Pin seemed to ease at that before excusing himself to tie up Elvis. 

Kaz didn't say it but to him it felt a lot like home. The Rietveld farm had had stables. They looked a lot like this and being around horses and hay again took him back. For the first time, Kaz didn't hate being thrust into a reminder of his past. 

"There you are!" A shrill voice called out breaking the calm serenity of the yard as the crows waited for Pin’s return. Kaz turned around to see a short blonde girl march up to him, a pinched glare on her face. "Where have you been all morning. Just because you own the place doesn't mean you can run off, you know. Who are all these people and what is up with that ridiculous cane and hat?"

Kaz raised an eyebrow at the upstart who had clearly mistaken him for his cousin. Kaz decided if he had been forced on this island, as much as he was enjoying it, he could not resist the urge to be himself. 

"Why's it any of your concern. Like you said, I own the place," Kaz responded coolly. It was the voice he used to respond to Geels when he encroached on Dregs’ turf again but toned down. He didn’t think this country girl could tolerate the full extent of Dirtyhands’ snark.  

The blonde girl groaned. "Not this again. Look I apologized for treating you that way. Will you ever let it go?" 

"I don't think I will." 

Kaz could see his friends looking at him through the corner of his eyes. Inej was amused but didn't want to stop him despite the fond roll of her eyes. Jesper and Nina were trying hard not to laugh. Wylan was watching as if it was a tennis match, biting hard on his cheek to keep from laughing, and Matthias looked like he wanted to step in but was held firmly in place by Nina who was enjoying this far too much. 

"Whatever," the girl scoffed. "We can deal with this later. Right now you-" 

She cut herself off then, looking somewhere behind Kaz and then back at him. 

"Mia," Pin's voice was heard a second later. The girl in front of Kaz sputtered in shock before: 

"There's two of you," she said. 

"That's what we said," added Wylan helpfully. 

"Who are you?" she demanded, turning to Kaz. "Pin, who is this?"

"I already said it's not your concern," Kaz replied before Pin could answer. Then, turning to his cousin, he further taunted her by saying, "You really look like you could use better help around this place."

Mia was speechless in her offense. "The help? Excuse me I am not the help. I have a horse stabled here!" 

Kaz turned away, dismissive. He didn't know what had happened between his cousin and this girl in the past but what he inferred from her tone and attitude as well as what little he knew of Pin's past before he inherited the title of duke, he wasn't pleased with it. 

Pin looked like he was couldn't decide who to side with and finally settled on, "Mia, get the others. I need to make an introduction."

Mia scoffed, turning to look at Kaz one more time. His steely expectant gaze met her as if he was the Duke and not Pin, waiting impatiently on her to carry out orders and bring his audience. “I can tell,” she sneered with an angry huff and she turned and left the way she came. 

"What was that?" Jesper asked with a laugh. 

"Clearly we weren't expected," Kaz said. His words were directed towards Pin who looked almost sheepish. 

"It felt easier to explain when you agreed to come. My friends can be a little… enthusiastic," Pin decided. Then he grinned the way he did when he was about to say something remarkably like Jordie. "It took everything to keep you from running from me like a skittish colt. Had to make sure they wouldn't do that before you even got here."

Jesper let out another loud guffaw at hearing Kaz compared to a colt but before he could make a jibe about it, footsteps on stone pavement sounded behind them as the rest of Pin's friends finally made it.

They all looked varying degrees of confused at seeing Pin alongside his vampire counterpart. And truly, with Kaz's dark eyes, pale complexion and dark attire he looked like a phantom compared to Pin who had healthier skin cuz of the time spent in the sun and actually wore color. 

"Who's this Pin," one of the girls finally stepped forward. Knowing what Kaz did about his cousin’s friends, he could deduce it was his girlfriend, Zoe. 

"This is my cousin, Kaz," Pin introduced. "And his friends from Ketterdam."

They waited as Pin made the required introductions for the crows and then his own friends.

"So this is where you've been disappearing off to every week?" Zoe asked. She had a wide grin on her face and Kaz immediately decided he didn't like her purely because of her boundless excitable energy for strangers. "I didn't know you had family outside of your dad. Why didn't you say anything?" 

"We've been wondering the same thing, Brekker," Nina spoke up. Turning to Pin’s friends she said, "Don't worry. He's been holding out on us too."

"You don't know how to keep your nose out of business that isn't yours, Zenik," Kaz offered as an explanation. 

"You're one to talk Mr. Bastard of the Barrel. How many people in Ketterdam do you have Inej keep tabs on you for? Oh right, everyone." 

Kaz didn't deign her a reply. 

"The Bastard of the Barrel?" the only guy in the group said. Marcus, apparently. 

Kaz leveled him with a look. "You've heard of me?" 

"I was on the mainland for a couple of months for school. It's impossible to not have heard of you," Marcus responded, an edge to his tone. "You're a criminal!"

Kaz had to hold back a smirk although his lips twitched in amusement. 

"Have proof, do you?" 

"Well… no. But it's all everyone talks about. Kaz Brekker. Dirtyhands. The worst mob boss there is."

"You really brought a criminal back here, Pin? Your connection to thievery just never stops does it?" Mia scoffed. It seemed like she was attempting for an inside joke but to the crows it seemed more like an insult. She reached up to grab Marcus' arm as they glared daggers at Pin. 

"Alright, calm down," the Suli girl in Pin’s friend group, Jade, spoke. "Mia, Marcus, this isn't the welcome we're supposed to be giving. Pin found his cousin after a long time."

"I didn't think there could be anyone more disagreeable than Pin and then he comes back with a cousin who's somehow worse." Mia grumbled. "Hurrah." 

She stalked off, Marcus hot on her heels. 

There was an awkward silence after that. Jade smiled weakly at the gathered guests. Her friend Becky was still staring at the newcomers with awe, especially glancing between Pin and Kaz while the girl with the dirty-blonde hair and severe look on her face, Gaby, only looked as if she found the entire exchange entertaining.

"Well," Zoe said finally, stepping forward. "Sorry about that and welcome to Bright Fields."

She turned to Kaz, "Pin's been looking for you for a long time so, I'm really happy he's found you." Then addressing the rest of the crows, she said, "I hope you all enjoy your time here at Bright Fields. It's a wonderful place."

"Not because of the people, I'm sure," Kaz couldn't resist saying. He felt Inej's glare burn into him from behind, telling him to behave. For the sake of Pin who he also didn't want to disappoint, he ended up continuing, "Pin's done a good job with the place."

Whatever offense Zoe would have taken to his first comment was wiped away by Kaz's compliment and the company finally relaxed. 

Pin was smiling at Kaz too. He appreciated his cousin's patience and the rare compliment he had bestowed on Pin's stables. 

"Come on, I'll show you all around." 

The Crows had a grand time at the stables. Meeting all the horses, seeing the scenery, watching the day-to-day life of the people who were there and passing by the riding lessons was a novelty to most of them. Ketterdam was so fast paced that Bright Fields was like molasses in comparison. It felt good. 

Jesper immediately took to the horses. He had been good at riding back on Novyi Zem and had struck up a friendly rapport with them. Inej, too, was good with them. They pulled the caravans and some of Inej's earliest memories were of her riding her family's mare: Gulabi. She had been a beautiful horse with a sleek mane and a cream coat that almost looked pink sometimes. Her mother had named her and Inej found herself missing her family's dependable horse. She wondered if Gulabi was still doing well. She had only met the horse once in her trips back to the caravans between voyages. She had grown older but was just as strong as she was when Inej left. 

Nina refused to go near the horses which surprised everyone because the feisty girl never backed down from a challenge. She had grown up in the little palace and horse riding was a necessary lesson for all Grisha.

"Afraid of horses, Nina dear?" Kaz asked with a smirk when she realized her staying an entire foot away from them all. 

Nina scoffed. "Of course not."

"Get on one then."

"No thank you."

Nina glared. Kaz smirked back. 

"Are you afraid?" Wylan repeated. He then turned to smack Jesper who wiggled his eyebrows in a tease with a grin on his face and was ignoring the horse that was trying to eat the lapel of his bright purple suit jacket. 

"No!" Nina huffed. "I just don't like them. They're… large and uncomfortable to sit on and…" 

"Holy shit you are scared!" Jesper crowed.

"Am not!" 

"Are too!" 

"It's alright if you are, Nina," Inej comforted. 

"We cannot be brave all the time, drusje," Matthias added with a soft grin of his own. Amusement danced in his eyes as well. 

"I prefer to tolerate them from a distance," Nina finally relented with a huff. She threw another glare at Kaz for being the one to instigate the entire debacle. 

Kaz only smirked in return. Pin looked amused. As the rest of the crows turned back to the horses, Pin turned to Kaz. 

"What about you then?" 

"What about me."

"Want to go for a ride?" Pin asked, holding out his usual riding helmet. Kaz eyed it for a moment before turning away. 

He knew how to ride. Of course, he did. One of his fondest memories was of him crying one day when Jordie was getting riding lessons. Jordie had been nine. Kaz had been five. He had tried so hard to run after his brother who was up so high. Kaz had thought Jordie was flying. Their father had a hard time calming down his youngest so Kaz's mother had picked him up and soothed him instead, drying the fat tears that came from being left out. 

Kaz had tucked his head against the crook of his mother's neck as his father led Jordie around the horse in their field with a lead rope. Jordie had made a variety of squeaks and alarmed shouts but had laughed his unrestrained laugh. He had enjoyed himself. 

Once Jordie had gotten off, Kaz had demanded a go too despite the fact he was too small. To appease him, his father had taken him from his mother's arms and had held him on top of the horse so he could sit alone for a few minutes. When Kaz had wanted to go for a ride, his father had mounted the horse himself and had taken him for a run around the field. 

Kaz only remained patient for a few years after. His father had started teaching him how to ride a horse when he was seven years old, a few months after his mother died. It was a good distraction and he had picked it up fast even though he was two years younger than when Jordie first started. But all riding lessons stopped the day his father died. 

Kaz remembered how to ride. He just wasn't sure if he wanted to remember the memories that came with it. 

"Maybe some other time," he said to Pin when he realized his cousin was still waiting for an answer. 

Pin seemed to understand because he didn't push his luck. 

Just because Kaz couldn't ride yet, didn't mean he couldn't pet the horses though. Jesper and Inej had taken some of the horses out to the training field. Matthias, Wylan and Nina were watching from the side as the two playfully raced each other. They weren't professional riders so any of the tricks the other riders at the stables were accustomed to were off limits. 

Kaz watched for a while before he saw movement from the corner of his eye. A horse had wandered out of its stable. It looked to be wilder than the rest, it's eyes dark and fierce although its body appeared feeble. Its mane was tangled as if it had been out running in the wind for a while and its grey coat was muddy. 

Kaz stood still as the horse came up to him. It seemed to hesitate as if he knew that Kaz wasn't Pin but then bravely got Kaz's attention with a nudge. The boy realized what it was after, seamlessly producing the white crystalline cubes in his pocket. 

It had been a last-minute decision to swipe some of the sugar cubes from the kitchen while leaving the Slat. Kaz had hardly thought about them until now but it seemed this horse knew how to sense what Kaz was hiding just as Pin himself was learning to. It was an intelligent creature and Kaz wondered if he belonged to anyone or was just one of the other horses Bright Fields had stabled for public use. 

The horse ate from his gloved palm quickly and Kaz found himself drawing the leather off his hands slowly. His hand reached out to touch the soft coat of the animal before drawing back. Kaz's aversion was to human skin… but he hadn't touched any animal without gloves in so long. He wasn't sure if his trauma would extend to them or not. 

The horse seemed to understand though because he moved, pushing himself against Kaz. He wanted to be petted. Kaz drew his hand back as if it were burned before realizing nothing had happened. The waters didn't rise. 

Gingerly he reached out again to pet the glorious beast. A horse's coat and mane felt nothing like human flesh. Kaz found himself smiling against his better judgement. They stayed like that for a few moments until Kaz could see Pin coming from the corner of his eye. He saw something shift in his cousin's expression when he saw Kaz with the horse. 

"You've met our resident stowaway, I see." Pin said fondly. The horse turned to Pin then nuzzling his head into the older boy’s shoulder as if they were old friends. It had known all along that Pin wasn't Kaz but had come up to Kaz for the cubes anyway. It was brave but cautious, Kaz noted. 

"Who's is it?" Kaz asked. 

"No one's." 

Upon Kaz's questioning look Pin added, "He's a moor pony. Became injured a few years back. I had to nurse him back to health. He's a fighter. Becomes sick easier than most other horses but fights his way back every time."

Kaz looked more closely at the horse as Pin petted it. He saw the ferocity in its gaze despite its skeletal appearance compared to all the other horses he had met at Bright Fields so far. 

"He comes back every now and then to see me. Doesn't really let many people near him. Kind of reminds me of someone I met a few months back."

Pin's pointed words were not lost on Kaz as he continued petting the giant animal. The Barrel boss looked at the horse with newfound respect. It had suffered a lot in its few years but it had always found a way up again. Kaz understood that kind of drive. He respected it, cultivated it in his Dregs, and found family with it in his crows

"Sounds like a dependable creature," Kaz offered, reaching out to pet the horse again. The two cousins stood in silence for a few minutes and Kaz offered the moor pony another sugar cube. 

"I feel bad about this," Pin started suddenly. A look remarkably similar to what Jesper and Inej called Kaz's own scheming face had settled over his features. Kaz raised an eyebrow but said nothing at the observation. "You came here to enjoy yourself and relax and I didn't want to put you to work, but would you mind grooming him for me?" 

At Kaz's raised eyebrow he elaborated, "He enjoys getting pampered when he comes by and I have to run to deal with something Marcus has been bugging me about. I'll be back in half an hour and my schedule is clear for the rest of the day."

Pin was a good actor, but not good enough to fool Kaz. Kaz knew what his cousin was trying to do. He also knew whatever emergency Marcus needed Pin to see to could wait a few hours until the crows left. He appreciated Pin trying all the same, which is why he supposed he decided to play along. 

"I suppose I have nothing better to do while the rest of them have their fun." His voice was dismissive as he gestured to the rest of his crows who were still enjoying themselves in the practice field. Wylan was racing Inej now while Jesper cheered him on from the sidelines. Kaz couldn't keep the slight quirk of his lips off his face. He was having fun too even if he wouldn't say it. He was glad his friends had forced him to come to Bright Fields. 

Five minutes later, Pin came back with a bucket of grooming supplies. "I'll leave you to it." He gestured to the items, trusting Kaz knew how to use them. Kaz had already told him once that he had used to help groom the horses at the Rietveld farm as a child. True to expectation, his cousin had already taken off his coat and gloves and set them on the fence. He'd also rolled up his sleeves, aware this would be a fairly strenuous job. 

Pin left and the horse glared at Kaz before the younger boy started. The moor pony was trusting Kaz but was threatening him all the same. A mutual respect passed between them at that moment. 

It wasn't quite riding a horse, he wasn't ready for that yet, but Kaz thought he wouldn't mind coming back to Bright Fields just for the bits of home he could still bear to remember instead. 

“Did you enjoy yourself?” Inej asked him when they were finally back home at the Slat. She would be returning to the Van Eck mansion soon; the rest of the Crows had gone there directly from the harbor.

“I did,” Kaz admitted. She was the only he’d admit it too.

Inej looked pleased as she threw some bread crumbs out the window for her crows to find. She dusted off her hands and she seemed to be gearing up to leave, noting the tired look on Kaz’s face. She knew he needed to think things through, needed to process the events of the day. Before she could leave, Kaz called to her.

“Inej…” he trailed off. She paused halfway out the window before coming back inside, walking towards him.

“Yes?”

“Thank you,” He whispered, hoping she’d understand.

And she did. Of course, she did. Inej had been the one to ask Kaz to take off his armor and let people in. First with herself, then with their friends and Kaz had done it on his own with Pin.  

“You’re welcome, Kaz,” she replied, leaning down as he pulled her hand.

He kissed her gently on the forehead, his eyes filled with gratitude before Inej finally left.

In the following weeks, Kaz would agree to visit Pin at Bright Fields half the time and Pin would visit the other half. It would take a few months before he would willingly get on a horse, but when he did, he would enjoy it. The memories that would come back wouldn’t be demons to haunt him, just whisps of nostalgia, happy to finally have a home in Kaz’s heart again. Sometimes, the moor pony would be waiting for him when he came by until one day Pin would remark that it seemed to like Kaz better than himself.

And if Kaz ever didn’t manage to make it to Bright Fields on his bi-monthly visits, Pin commissioned from Wylan portraits of the moor pony waiting sadly for Kaz by Bright Fields stables, as a teasing reminder and a demand for Kaz to come visit soon.

The first time Kaz had opened one of these portraits, he hadn’t even remembered he’d skipped a visit to the stables. But he’d laughed despite himself remembering the little doodles he’d make and leave around the farmhouse in Lij when he was mad at Jordie and didn’t want to directly talk to him. Jordie always left doodles back.

Pin wasn’t Jordie (the closest person to hold that honor was Jesper) but he was family by blood. And as much as he had tried to deny it in the beginning, Kaz figured he liked having that again, even if it had taken ten years and a miracle to find (or rather, for him to be found).