Chapter Text
It wasn't unusual for a Friday night at the practice room for things to run a little over schedule for the Ateez boys. Or even a lot over schedule, as dancing consumed their bodies.
It's also not unusual for eyes to seek out objects that attract them.
But, it felt unusual if said object was a silver hydro flask that shined so brightly each time the practice room's strip lighting shone down on it's surface.
Of which, Wooyoung was drinking out of, which was now San's newest obsession.
It wasn't just the shine of the metal bottle that was attractive to San.
It was the shine of the water droplets that cascading Wooyoung's neck, joining the beads of sweat.
Showing San the frutition of Wooyoung's hard labour.
That was what was usual. San watching Wooyoung from across the room. It was the perfect time to look and watch. All members too busy with laying down to grab some much needed respite, gulping copious amounts of water like their life depended on it like Wooyoung, or like in San's case, hiding behind the screen of his phone.
But, for San his phone only served as a shield as he focused his eyes elsewhere, on their natural attraction.
It was childish really. San knew that. He liked looking at Wooyoung. Listening to him. Helping him with things- anything. It made him feel happy.
It made him temporarily forget the resentment that coiled deep inside, attacking only when he was alone in the confines of his dark room at night.
Plaguing him with self-doubt that would always, always hurt more than the last.
He will never understand you.
He will never like you how you like him.
You're never good enough.
Making mistakes like a child.
You're not his bestfriend. It's pathetic, you know you're a freak.
Woosan was for the fans to indulge in. Never for himself.
Seeking out the heated skin of a bandmate was all well and good under the guise of fanship. Until San came to recognise it's alternate use.
For him to cling to, to touch, smell, and feel.
Engaging with Wooyoung and making him smile were nice. Seeing his reactions were even better.
That was all it ever could be though. Fanservice.
Wooyoung was straight, San knew that.
His own sexuality was never really something he ever had to contend with, until Wooyoung's laugh started igniting something within him that couldn't help but scare him a bit.
He remembers the first time he made Wooyoung laugh during pre-debut. They had gone to get ice cream together after practice.
Not even two licks in and the precious cone made friends with one of his sneaker, mortification displayed fully on his face.
And Wooyoung...Wooyoung just laughed.
That shrill, high-pitch wane that could startle even the most unfazed of people.
He also remembers what he thought at the time too.
'He's laughing at me'
It wasn't until Wooyoung wiped his happy tears, offered over his ice cream and left to find some tissues that San knew Wooyoung meant no harm.
Every laugh afterwards only fanned the flames and tickled his gut with butterflies, helping to make him less scared of the new feelings.
Much like at present.
Wooyoung had moved on from hydrating himself and switched to scrolling on his phone laughing at whatever caught his attention.
San couldn't help a pout form on his face.
He wanted to see what Wooyoung found so entertaining.
So with a few playful rolls across the practice room floor, meeting at Wooyoung's feet, he shuffled up to his sticky-warm side.
Sweat was the least of his concerns, he just wanted to get a look at that damn screen.
"Don't stick to me, it's gross" Wooyoung's laughter continued on toward the device despite his verbalised distaste to their squished forms.
San had known him long enough to know Wooyoung could say even the meanest of things but would never truly mean it; so continued on squishing.
"What's so funny?" inching just that bit closer to peer down at the screen too.
"You"
"What?" San watched the clip that was seemingly on a loop.
The clip was of himself, one Wooyoung had taken in the vocal room when it was just them alone trying to fix their boredom.
He was trying to balance on one of the chair legs.
The seven second clip ended with him inevitably on the floor wailing from a funny bone being knocked.
Looking up to Wooyoung's tightly squeezed face he couldn't help but feel his insides mush with affection.
He could watch anything in his down time, but was watching him.
San couldn't help but think that Wooyoung in this moment was endearingly sweet.
If only that was truly the case his mind reminded. Wooyoung was laughing at his best friend, not someone who he could ever like.
The surge of feelings started to steadily recline back, giving way to the lingering worry that always followed him.
"You were so confident you could do it! Do you remember?" Wooyoung rubbed at his eyes shoving the phone away.
Confidence. What confidence?
"I don't remember" he lied.
"I'm glad I recorded it- I'm going to show this to my grandkids one day" Wooyoung shook his head with a humoured smile, aiming to get up Dragging the deflated dancer with him.
"Yeah me too" another lie. San hated how he is when he's alone around Wooyoung, his childish side comes out in full force like he had age regressed.
//
Without much else to do the pair joined the other members in heading downstairs, clambering into the vans to travel home for the night.
Something which San dreaded more than working in the practice room. Home is where his demons got worse.
As they piled into the van, San took note an empty space next to Wooyoung who was sitting next to the window seat. Airpods tucked in, eyes already shut. Typical Wooyoung.
Lightly plopping down and claiming the spot he soon relaxed into the seat.
Unable to control his head, that just couldn't help but turn to watch the vocalist on the verge of sleep.
"Wooyoungie" he didn't know why he called him.
The sudden want to say the name was somehow rewarded as the other lolled his head over.
"Mmmh?"
The acknowledgement was only a hum, but it played in his ears and tingled the skin on his neck where Wooyoung's head connected.
"..."
San still couldn't think of anything so say, he just wanted Wooyoung's attention and now that the weight of a head was on his shoulder there was not much more room for thought.
"Uh...nothing" he felt so dumb...so stupid.
Feeling a few head rubs on his shoulder, he recognised Wooyoung trying to get more comfortable against him, and could only lean closer to help.
It's not like Wooyoung could read his mind or know how he made him feel even with these small interactions together.
If Wooyoung could read his mind, he would probably get scolded on needing to be kinder to himself.
Or, get rejected due to the all growing feelings he held for him.
Maybe he would say that love should start within before you can love another.
That's the sort of advice he would hate more than the feeling of being rejected, he knew he could never love himself when he was so imperfect.
And the idea of being rejected by Wooyoung was all too realistic in his head, he had imagine it more times than Wooyoung's acceptance.
"San-ah" the gruff vocalisation took all of San's attention back into the present and away from the self-depreciative voices in his head.
"Y-yeah?" taking a gulp.
"I don't think I can stand in the shower tonight."
"Huh?...Oh" realisation dawning on his tired brain two paces always behind.
This was Wooyoung's cryptic way of telling him in front of the other members that he needed his help.
Help to run a bath, gather clothes and help wash up together.
But, it was not like Wooyoung wouldn't help San back.
He always would.
By either making breakfast especially for him or giving up first dibs on the games console the next morning.
Another thing that he found sweet about the other. Always paying back what he owed, but San never cared if Wooyoung actually payed anything back each time.
He was just happy Wooyoung was close enough to him to let him scrub his scalp with shampoo and hum a tune or two whilst they shared a bath.
//
With the warm bath drawn, San helped Wooyoung clamber in before entering at the other end with a slosh.
The water creating a mini tidal wave of bubbles running to hit Wooyoung in the chest.
The bath was nicely sized, at least three people could fit inside if they dared.
San would never let that happen when it was just them.
Never when Wooyoung just wanted to relax and maybe take a longful nap as the heated water soothed his muscles, like he had done a couple of times before.
It wasn't unheard of, some of the members showering or bathing together. Which is why Wooyoung would keep it on the down low, San thought.
Possibly not wanting another member to burst the bubbles of calm and quiet.
Which San often thought was quite ironic.
The two loudest in the group enjoying a calm and quiet bath, that thought already spikes disbelief even in himself; but they do enjoy it.
When Wooyoung first propersitioned bathing together, San had said 'Yes' to the wet dream on offer, before realising the extent to which Wooyoung required his help.
The other sleeping like a log anywhere and everywhere should have been the first sign that the vocalist had no energy to spare after dance practice.
Every little thing...he needed help with.
But, San could never complain.
Not when Wooyoung would lean into his chest and slightly groan under his fingertips massaging his scalp with shampoo.
Nor when, Wooyoung was too tired to scrub his own body clean. Offering a leg to his friend opposite as his head leaned backwards over the edge of the tub to nap, like a prince with his servant.
San could definitely not complain when Wooyoung always got out first, drying and moisturising himself in plain view, not caring for decency when it was just each other present.
San hid his rosy cheeks under the last remaining bubbles that surfaced the water around him at the sight. Every time.
Bidding Wooyoung goodnight as he left for bed first, allowing him to finally touch himself free from the eyes of his prince.
The light tugs to his skin felt like he was doing something dirty in more sense than one.
He could be walked in on.
The images of Wooyoung's body didn't help the stifled moans that dripped from his mouth.
He could be heard.
He squeezed at his arousal when he felt close, it sent him over the edge, panting Wooyoung's name like each time before.
After his come down San relaxed his head over the edge, staring at the bathroom ceiling as one of his demons creeped in; this one was named Guilt.
You betrayed his trust again.
He would hate you if he knew.
Feel disgusted by you, you're disgusting.
You'd never be friends with him again.
He would never forgive someone like you, nature so ugly and impure.
The rollercoaster that was his mind was always speeding off the tracks when the room was at its quietest.
San could only shut his stinging eyes, sinking lower into the water until his head was submerged. Attempting to drown out the voices.
Raising his head from the water out of necessity not want, he took in deep breaths as the air burned his starved lungs.
Patting at his wet face with equally wet hands.
'It's just the soap stinging your eyes, you're not crying.' He told himself.
The internal agony began to subside before the age old question appeared once more for retribution.
'Is this what love should feel like?'
Maybe it was time to ask for help.