Chapter Text
"One final question San" Glasses pocketed away. A warm, now very familiar face remaining.
Formalities foregone from the many meetings gone by.
'Here we go again. How are you feeling?' San knew the answer- the question- even the tone his psychiatrist liked to use.
He couldn't wait to answer as he sat on the still very much uncomfortable sofa.
In the past he would sit on his hands to stunt their shakes.
Now he had someone to hold them.
Soft pads caressing his own as the person warmed his side.
His person.
His designated person.
"Yes?" Accepting the fact that this may be the last discussion he will have with the woman.
"How are you feeling now?"
Nervous, sweaty, optimistic...
Giddy at the hand holding his.
The hand squeezed his fingers indicating he needed to answer the woman.
"I feel like my usual self again"
"That's what I like to hear San"
The popular clipboard had lost its use, nothing to note.
"Do you remember what we discussed when we first met?"
What?
What is she going to say?
Wooyoung is present?
Is it about what I was like back then?
"No?" Quiet nerves tickled his gut, worried her next words may not be suitable for Wooyoung's ears.
"We talked about what you wanted to achieve. Your goal was to be more open and truthful with your emotions to those around you"
Pencil placed carefully atop her forgotten clipboard.
The place that held his weaknesses, the place that held his many secrets, a chapter now closed.
Gulping down the last of his nerves.
"I remember"
"It is when we made the rule together, to let those around you know how you feel. So I think, that being said-" picking up the earlier discarded clipboard of secrets "you should have this to share. Your records"
The air felt citric to San's skin.
My notes?
San did not expect to be handed the blue plastic board which had patiently collected his every emotion from the past couple of months.
"I can keep this?" Following her to a stand, not letting go of Wooyoung's precious hand- pulling him to a stand as well.
"Yes. But, you need to consider your rule. You're designated person doesn't have to be the first person you share it with either"
"Yeah. No pressure Sannie" Wooyoung's sweet hand-holding equalled out the citric sensations, not wanting to let go.
"O-ok"
//
It wasn't late.
It just wasn't relatively early anymore either, as the pair strolled their way back to the dorm.
Wooyoung had wanted to get ice cream to celebrate the final appointment San had with Dr.Lee.
Or, Chin Mae Lee as San had learnt as they got closer each session.
Digging in to the mini pot of caramel Häagen-Dazs.
He hoped it would quell the butterflies he had named both Lucifer and Zeus, that would battle each time Wooyoung did something.
Like how, right now, he would kick a few rocks out of his path agrily, complaining of brain freeze as the street lamps lit up his face a warm orange.
Brain freeze Wooyoung was so precious.
"-San? are you even listening to me?"
"Huh?" Ripped from his thoughts.
"I said- Have you decided on who you are going to show those notes to?"
"Wow. You're like a kid Woo. Gotta have the whole cake and eat it" Rolling his eyes at Wooyoung's impatience.
"Are you saying I'm spoilt for wanting to know how my bestfriend felt?"
Bestfriend.
It still stings to bite his tongue- wanting Wooyoung to say more wishful labels- boyfriend, lover, sweetheart, the person I like.
But, none of them true.
"Yep, that's exactly what I'm saying. We're not even a couple of hours out of there and you want to press your nose into the 'Folder of Doom'"
"Is that what we're calling it now? 'Folder of Doom'? How riviting"
"Yes. 'Folder of Doom' because anyone who reads it will just end up sad or traumatised."
The sweetness of the ice cream dying on his tongue at the admission.
Side-eyeing the person walking in-step with him, apprehension of the other's response slowly building.
"You're so dramatic sometimes..."
"Dramatic? Well how about you jump into my mind and swim amoungst the shit. Then you can let me know which one you are."
A scoff of disbelief could be heard from the other.
"Which one I am of what?"
"Sad or traumatised" Laughter building so much he failed to hide it.
Maybe the ice cream was getting to his head.
Or the lighthearted giddyness that always presented itself at the worst times.
Looking at Wooyoung's concerned face at the self-depreciated words he was spewing from sugar overload.
"You're the one who is a kid- that's enough ice cream for you"
San only just managed to bat away Wooyoung's hand, poised to steal his sacred ice cream from his cold grasp as a phone started buzzing.
"That's yours" Smiling in relief, ice cream now safe from the attempted thief.
Feet slowing in pace as Wooyoung found his phone and answered the call without reading the caller I.D.
"Yep?"
"When are you planning on coming back it's close to nine?"
"We're on our way, just stopped to get ice cream."
"Well hurry back, curfew is soon"
"Ok, Ok hyung- I'm hanging up-" Phone stuffed back in jean pocket, forgotten like his lack of phone etiquette.
"Hongjoong is scared his children are out after dark" Wooyoung expelled with annoyance.
"No. He's scared you are out after dark. I'm the reliable one." San thumbed his chest for exclamation.
"Stop bickering I'm trying to enjoy my ice cream."
"Fine. And to answer you're earlier question. I don't know who to show it to yet...I'm still thinking on it"
"Well let me know when you decide it's me"
"Wow. Really Woo?"
"Really"
San loved that smug grin he recieved.
Tossing their empty ice cream tubs in a bin along their way, San felt his hands tremour.
Not from nerves or anxiousness like many atimes before.
But, from the savoured ice cream and the cold air that threw itself his way.
Tucking arms tightly around himself on instinct.
"You cold?"
His attempts at self-heating obviously not going unnoticed by the attentive man beside him.
San knew Wooyoung had turned into a person who was squinting at his every move to figure something out.
Was he going to cry? Was he tired? Hungry? Sad? Happy?
San thought Wooyoung became too attentive at times, borderline compulsive to make him feel cherished and sated.
He was thankful, really.
"Yeah my hands are freezing from the ice cream"
Without a heart-beat being missed a cold hand stole his.
"Me too, lets warm them"
San felt more than just one heart-beat skip.
He felt Lucifer and Zeus fighting it out again.
Walking along hand-in-hand.
San realised he had to tell Wooyoung his true feelings about him sometime.
In all honesty, San had already decided who was going to read his notes.
It was always going to be Wooyoung.
It's just that, every page of the 'Folder of Doom' held mini pieces of a much bigger puzzle that had only just been slotted together.
If Wooyoung wanted to know what the picture on the puzzle looked like, then San had to spell it out to him first.
So each puzzle could be slotted correctly together.
And the picture fully understood.
Each emotion he felt and why.
"Wooyoung"
"Yeah?"
"..." He did it again. Calling Wooyoung's name with no verbal content to share, he just wanted his attention upon him.
Holding hands, now clammy, warmed and tight.
"What San?"
Eyes on him.
Brain frazzeling for something to say as the brown orbs bore into him.
"Uhh...we should pick up the pace- I want to watch a movie before bed and Jongho might hog the t.v"
That was a good enough reply, right?
"Fine we can speed up but don't worry about Jongho, we can watch a movie together on my laptop"
San no longer questioned his ability to make things up on the spot.
He applauded it- it managed to squeeze more time out of the day, with Wooyoung.
//
Red, red and more red.
Red for the many spiderman movies he had the option of perusing.
Red for the box of chocolate coated sticks amoungst the many late night snacks sprawled across the end of the bed for choosing.
And, red for the rosiness of his cheeks as Wooyoung slipped into his bed, balancing a laptop and sweeping his freshly showered hair back, just shy of seductiveness.
All dry, fluffy and scented lavender.
San's favourite scent.
It was calming.
It was his shampoo.
"You used my stuff again"
"no?"
"I smell it, thief"
"Whatever. Did you choose a movie yet?"
San only suggested he'd watch a movie before bed to distract from saying the truth at the time.
I just wanted to have your eyes on me.
He knew he wouldn't make it through a whole two hour action movie, no matter how adrenaline-pumping it got.
Sleep was caressing at his eyes begging for attention.
"This one looks good..." Pointing out the most recent.
Yunho had already forced him to watch it.
But, Wooyoung wanted to celebrate the end of therapy in his bed with snacks.
So he skimmed over this minor detail as his thigh felt another's.
San was partially right. Jongho was found in the living room hogging the t.v as yet another series of Netflix rom-coms played out on screen.
However, to see that Yunho and Seonghwa had joined-in on the binge-fest really did spell out it was a Friday night at the dorm.
Just a regular Friday night again.
He wasn't treated differently by his members when some days he'd go straight to his room after a session.
Or when he turned down offered food.
Nor when he finally started to open up, 8th session in.
He remembers how it went. How the members took it. All showing worry, concern and offering their help.
It really did help.
Normality was back.
What was 'normal' anyway?
San didn't feel normal by the way Wooyoung kept munching on pocky.
He didn't feel normal as the movie played on- half an hour in, as body heat seeped into his.
He really didn't feel normal as legs tangled together under quilt, practically spooning the other as they watched the laptop play on the bedside table.
All of these privileges will be gone when I tell him.
Munching on pocky too. He really shouldn't eat in his room. Or in his bed. Seonghwa would shout at him like when he found the sugar that fell onto the living room carpet.
Wooyoung had an effect on him.
A bad influence.
Sometimes that bad influence wouldn't just affect his behaviour.
It would effect his physical state too.
He had made his heart lurch at times, acting sexy for the cameras.
He had made his blood heat up, whispering things into his ears away from hawk-like fans.
He also made his body react in ways that once made him feel guilt and betrayal.
But now, he realised, that it was a normal reaction to the one you bear a torch for, no guilt or shame necessary.
Lavender now invading his senses.
Hands full of Wooyoung.
As much as 'bestfriends' would allow.
Sleep on the horizon.
He dreampt of Wooyoung's kisses. His mother's remedy.
Wooyoung's remedy.
Now San's favourite memory.
Why don't you just jump into my mind and swim amoungst the million thoughts of you.