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Ryoma stepped into his bedroom, shaking his head and smiling. Behind him and down the hallway, the tail end of a small house party roared on. It was small because this party was for Ryoma, and he could only handle so much fussing on his behalf. Only his roommates and a few of his closest friends had been invited, and even though many had already gone home, Kaede and Tsumugi being the only stragglers, the party could still be described as roaring.
Even once Ryoma had shut his bedroom door, the loud croaking of 5-beers-in Kaito singing karaoke and a vodka-addled Kokichi’s sob-ranting about the ending of Evangelion remained as persistent as ever. Well, if he wasn’t going to be sleeping soon, there was another birthday tradition of Ryoma’s that would pass the time well enough.
He didn’t bother to turn on his main light, opting instead to flick on a small desk lamp, which he angled toward his bed. After getting changed into his typical pajamas, a loose-fitting pair of athletic shorts and a thin, low tank top, he retrieved a small leather pocketbook from a chest tucked in the back of his drawer.
Ryoma climbed into bed with the pocketbook and a pen from his desk. He unraveled the pocketbook's brown cord, taking care to avoid touching what little of its fine, gold accents hadn't rubbed off over the years. Absent-mindedly bouncing his pen with his teeth, Ryoma flipped to a crease made most of the way through the book.
This pocketbook was a journal Ryoma had received from his father as a young boy. A small token from a man who thought he was being funny, giving his short son a small book. Ryoma hadn't appreciated the joke at the time, but the book's small size had made it easy to smuggle into some of Ryoma’s most chaotic life events.
The downside to a small journal (when he would not be receiving another) was space. He'd rambled on with every detail as a young boy, his wide-eyed, naive youth filling easily two-thirds of the small, aged pages. Ryoma tried not to dwell too much on those days.
In what little space there was left, Ryoma had developed a tradition: he would write exactly one entry a year, on his birthday. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing, better than leaving his memories up to the eroding of time. And now, before he slept the last hours of his birthday away, it was time for the next entry.
But first, Ryoma thought that this year, he finally felt strong enough to brave a reread of the past few entries. It wasn't like him to get so nostalgic, but he was a different man now. And it was time to remember how he got here. So he flipped to his entry from four years ago, the last birthday he had before it all…
[July 1st, 20XX]
Hey journal,
It's been a whole year since my last entry and I still can't break the captain's zone! The team let me pick my opponent for practice today as my gift, and I really thought I had him on the run for a bit there. Guess even with all these trophies, I've still got a long ways to go. But he can't keep that technique out of Ryoma Hoshi's hands forever! I've got to figure it out in the handful of tournaments left before he graduates. I know I can catch him by then.
Looks like this'll be my last entry in America for a while. The team's finally heading back home in a few months. I guess it doesn't matter in my case. I have that dumb underground tournament in Japan in a few months either way. I told the captain he was stupid to take the team back just for me, but I guess I don't mind if they’re there with me. They can see me stick it to those rich assholes at least.
I guess the other upside is getting to show Babe around Japan. With how much crap she gives me for my English not being perfect, I can’t wait to return the favor a little. She’s been fussing up a storm over meeting my parents finally, but it’ll all work out. I mean, she’s the love of my life. No way they won’t respect that. Besides, our anniversary’s not long after we arrive. It wouldn’t be cool to pop the question before she’s met the parents. It’s gonna be the coolest! Just wait, journal! I might even be married by my next entry!
Ryoma
Before he turned the page, Ryoma closed his eyes for a moment. He took a slow, heavy breath in, waited a moment, then let it all go as he opened his eyes. He wasn’t sure when he’d read those words again. Maybe never, if he didn’t need to. For now, he would leave it here, at this page turn. After all, he’d said goodbye to this Ryoma a long time ago. The next one would be more fresh.
[July 1st, 20XX]
Hey dad,
I don’t want to write anything in here this year.
What do you want me to say? It’s been two months. They make me work. They make me eat. I don’t leave my cell unless they make me.
Everyone here looks at me funny. They’re all bigger. They’re all older. They look at me like I shouldn’t be here. But then they find out. Two guys hurt me when I first got here. Now they leave me alone. They all leave me alone. Every cell mate I get asks to be transferred away. They won’t look me in the eye. That’s fine though. I’ve had enough of people looking me in the eye.
I gave Kalpin away. Sorry. Not like I could take a cat with me, and I didn’t have time to do much. I left him on the Captain’s doorstep. He’ll be happy with him. He has to be. They say cats forget their gratitude after three days. I hope he does too.
I haven’t been able to read any of the entries since I got here. Dad, if I don’t write in this anymore, you’ll forgive me, right? You won’t hate me, right? You and Mom don’t hate me, right? She doesn’t hate me, right? I’m sorry, I swear I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to leave you. I didn’t mean to kill them. I didn’t mean to get away.
I’m sorry, goodbye.
As soon as he’d reached the bottom of the entry, Ryoma flipped the page once more. He wasn’t looking away, but he didn’t need to dwell on this particular memory. He’d spent years already retracing these exact steps. How could he have done anything else? He’d had nothing but time then, nothing to do but mentally reopen his wounds whenever he felt them closing. Too long looking at this entry, and he’d just be falling into old habits. The only way was onward. Ryoma turned to the next entry.
[July 1st, 20XX]
Hey journal,
Guess I’ll write an entry again this year. Not sure it’ll do any good, but it wouldn’t be cool for the last thing I ever write to be that mess from last year.
Can’t say another year has done me any good, but at least I was getting used to life in prison. Of course, right when that hellhole starts to feel like normal, life hits me with a kick serve to my weak side. One night I go to bed in my cell and wake up in an abandoned school. The whole thing’s encased in a giant shell, so no way I’ll be escaping any time soon.
Apparently I got roped into some kind of dating show with a bunch of other students. Now we’ve got to spend time together and grow closer or something. Don’t know why the showrunners picked me for it. If they knew me at all, they’d know they missed the mark on this one. I’m not letting anyone waste their time on me again.
I’ve only been here for a few days, and I don’t know how this is gonna work. A lot of these kids are nothing but trouble, and noisy to boot. Not to mention, there’s a few busybodies who’ve tried to get up in my business.
Kaede seems nice enough, but that’s all the more reason for her to go spend time with others. Not like she doesn’t have other options. This other girl, Tsumugi, is actually pretty level-headed for this bunch. She’s not the worst. But she’s almost as bad a wallflower as me. She’s nice, but not a lot to do there to pass the time. I’m a little old to be playing dress-up. There’s an astronaut who talks like a motivational poster, which is as annoying as it sounds. You’ve got your typical snot-nosed brat, only this one has a lying gimmick. Most of the rest are harmless enough, or at least leave me alone.
But then there’s this detective kid. I’ll be honest, he seemed just as nosy as the rest at first. He asks a lot of questions for someone so shy. Guess that’s just in a detective’s nature. For what it’s worth, he’s got me ranting about tennis before. If I could afford to be nostalgic, it actually wouldn’t be that bad to spend more time with him. But I can’t get attached. He only knows what he heard on the news. If he knew what I’d really done, how...she died, he’d be done with me too.
...maybe I should tell him then, if he comes knocking again. It’s for his own good to get me out of his system. They’re gonna wrap this show up at some point, and I’ll have to go back to prison. Last thing I need is to cause more pain, now that I finally ran out of people to hurt.
Still, it’s not a bad life here, out of prison. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Ryoma
By the end of the entry, Ryoma had an embarrassed smirk on his face.
So now I’m shaking my head at my past...for shaking my head at my past. I think I’m developing a habit, he thought to himself.
A strained pair of caterwauls cut through the silence of Ryoma’s room. Great, now Kaito *and* Kokichi were singing karaoke. They must be really plastered. Ryoma couldn’t help but laugh when he turned his attention back to his journal and his words in the midst of a dating show. If only he’d known then.
[July 1st, 20XX]
Hey journal,
Well, as far as birthdays in prison go, this one has been better.
Prison itself hasn’t changed. Same guys in bad places. Same power-tripping guards. I still don’t leave the cell much unless I have to. I’ve started talking to some of the nicer guys during exercise and cleaning, guys who wouldn’t be here in the first place if it was up to them. Not sure why they chat me up so often. Guess I just attract nosy people. But they come and go. The prison moves our shifts around a lot.
Most days I’m not thinking about that kind of stuff though. Unlike last time, I have people outside of prison to think about. A few of the students from the Academy still send me letters from time to time. Shuichi brings Kaito and Kokichi along for visits every now and then, and calls to catch up when he can.
It’s funny. It’s almost harder to be in prison with people on the outside. I had accepted staying here forever. I deserved it, and I knew no one would miss me if I just stayed put. Now that I’ve got a future waiting for me if I get out, it’s all I can think about.
Lucky for me, looks like I won’t just be twiddling my thumbs and waiting. Once Kaito finished his astronaut training, he got a lot of press interviews. I guess ‘Japan’s Youngest Astronaut Ever’ is a good story to run. So that loudmouth started talking up how unfair it was that I was still in here. Something about me being too young to be on death row.
Well, whatever shouting and fussing he did, some of it must have stuck. Shuichi did some digging on the judge in my case, and the guy was dirty, dealt with the mafia before my case. So I guess they’re giving me bail until they can retry the case with the boy wonder’s new information. In a few days, I’ll be crashing at the boys’ place. Kokichi said he’s got a surprise for me, but I’ll wait to be excited for that until I see it. Either way, it’ll be good to see them.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m a pretty lucky guy.
Ryoma
With one last page flip, Ryoma was caught up to the present. It was time to write his newest entry. His last entry. Ryoma hadn’t realized last year, but only one page was left. He’d have to buy a new journal after this. But looking at it now, Ryoma began to think he wouldn’t. He had his whole childhood in his hands, thanks to his family. Maybe that was enough.
Ryoma had just finished his final entry when Shuichi slowly peaked into his room. “Ah, you’re awake. I thought you might already be asleep, now that our neighbors made Kokichi and Kaito stop singing,” said Shuichi, joining Ryoma at his bedside.
“That old couple down the hallway is going to kill your boyfriends if they don’t start behaving themselves.”
“Hmm, we might want to plan on moving then,” Shuichi said, earnestly weighing his options.
Ryoma chuckled until he was interrupted by his own yawn. It was late. “Well, we can figure out what apartment will take us in the morning. You sleeping in here with me tonight?”
“Yeah. Well, it is your birthday. Or, a-at least was a few hours ago.”
Ryoma scooted to the side and peeled back his blankets. “Oh yeah? What’s your excuse for the rest of the year, detective?”
“Kaito snores, and Kokichi kicks?” Shuichi climbed into Ryoma’s bed, before letting out a huge yawn of his own.
“Yeah, well you do both, and I put up with it.”
“Ah, I guess that’s true. What’re you writing?”
“Just finishing up this old journal from my childhood. All full now.”
“Your whole childhood? Wow, I didn’t know you kept a journal. That’s...i-interesting.” Shuichi’s eyes seemed to trace every edge of the journal’s back cover.
Ryoma rolled his eyes. “Alright, alright, you can read it. But I don’t wanna hear about it. I think I’ve read it enough.”
“Oh okay, thank you! I’ll take good care of it until I’m done. Can I...start now?”
“Yeah, I’m done.”
Ryoma handed the book to Shuichi, and curled up next to him, his eyes drooping sleepily. Maybe he would buy another journal after all. He planned to make a lot more birthday memories worth keeping.