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The realization comes in the form of a dream.
There he is: his best friend, in his summer uniform, reaching out and touching his cheeks. It’s both unreal and real at the same time. His heart beats louder, and his best friend opens his lips.
“I love you.”
Then, he wakes up.
Suga’s breathing is heavy, the watercolor-like dream still fresh in his mind. It’s like cold water splashing over his face, his body—harsh, unrelenting, waking every bone in his body. He feels his heart race and his chest tighten. Suddenly, it’s hard to breathe.
Because Sugawara Koushi is in love. He is in love with his best friend.
He turns his head to the side to see said best friend still sleeping. His eyes rest on chestnut lashes, fluttering ever so slightly with each breath. He watches tiny freckles shift with each minuscule movement; his lips close and open as if he’s speaking in his sleep.
Suga finds himself smiling at the display until he remembers what he dreamt about. He immediately stops himself from succumbing to the warmth that had started to pool in his stomach.
No.
He can’t like Tooru like this. He absolutely can’t.
His chest tightens once more, and suddenly, he’s thrown into panic.
Tooru has been his best friend for a few years after clicking one fateful night in Miyagi during one of his short visits. They hit it off nicely, and Suga watched Tooru leave with a smile, a promise to text when he gets home. They’ve been tight ever since.
Tooru would make sure to spend time with Suga whenever he visits—which wasn’t that often. Distance, however, never stopped them from getting closer. Suga found that he enjoys talking to Tooru, and was relieved to find out the other felt the same.
“You’re my best friend, Koushi,” Tooru confessed during one tipsy night of vulnerability. They’d been lying awake on the floor, hands almost touching. Tooru looked at Suga with the most earnest eyes as he spoke. “Like... my soulmate. And I don’t ever want to lose you.”
And now, Suga has feelings. Romantic feelings. Something that could—would—ruin the relationship they have. Something that can push Tooru away—that can make Suga lose him.
Suga’s mind runs into overdrive, thinking about how this is bad, bad, bad. He starts to doubt himself and the foundations of his friendship with the setter. Did he ever just love Tooru as a friend? Has he always expected more? He wondered just how sincere he was with Tooru, and couldn’t find an answer.
The hurricane of thoughts and feelings overwhelms him, and Suga starts to cry. It’s all too much—the fear of potentially losing his best friend, all because of his uncontrollable feelings. How hasn’t he picked this up before? Why didn’t he stop himself?
Suga almost jumps at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder.
“Kou?”
His whole body stiffens as he feels Tooru sit up next to him. He tries to avert his eyes.
“What—What’s wrong?”
Hearing his best friend’s voice so filled with concern made his heart ache—he doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve Tooru’s kindness. Suga feels like a fraud, and he wants nothing more than to run away from this to protect Tooru from his selfishness, to protect their relationship from being tarnished with such feelings. He shouldn’t stay close to Tooru—especially not when all he wants is to cry into his shirt and be surrounded by his best friend’s scent, his warmth.
The thought makes him sob harder. He curls into himself in a feeble attempt to make Tooru go away.
“Koushi, hey, I’m here.” Tooru sounds more awake now and is rubbing circles on Suga’s back. It feels so comforting, and he hates himself for wanting more of it.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
“No.”
Suga’s tears fall faster down his cheeks, his whole body slightly shaking. Every inch of his body weighs heavier and heavier with guilt. He feels wrong for being in love with Tooru, and he’s terrified.
Suga feels a calloused pair of hands cup his cheeks. Tooru lifts his face to meet with him and presses their foreheads together. He momentarily meets concerned brown eyes and shuts his own, feeling exposed and vulnerable.
“Breathe with me.”
He then feels the hands move away from his cheeks. A thumb soothes his knuckles—white and tense—and the other hand moves to the base of his neck, the grip relaxed but reassuring. Suga tries to match his breaths with Tooru, and eventually, he is able to breathe properly again.
“Can you talk?”
Suga nods, small.
He has to tell Tooru. He deserves to know—they are best friends, after all.
The thought pushes more tears out of Suga’s eyes. He sees Tooru bite his lip as the taller man tangles their fingers together.
“I’m here, Koushi. Don’t rush.”
He takes a deep breath and readies himself for the rejection he is about to face.
“I like you, Tooru.” His voice is small, and he musters all the strength he can to finish his sentence. “More than... more than a friend.”
The man across from him is quiet. Tooru’s gaze is intense, but he doesn’t seem to be angry nor surprised.
“I don’t— I don’t know how or when, I promise. I just—" Suga stumbles with his words in between silent sobs. “I’m sorry, Tooru. I’m so sorry. I understand if you hate me after this—I understand, if you feel used or grossed out, but I promise I haven’t—"
He can’t stop himself from babbling. He feels desperate now—as if he has to say everything or he’ll lose Tooru forever.
“You’re my best friend, Tooru. And if you’ll let me still be friends with you, I’ll be sure to keep myself in check. Tell me what you want me to do, I’ll do it. I just— I—"
Before he is able to finish, he feels a warm pair of lips on his, and the world around him fades.
His best friend is kissing him.
Tooru is kissing him.
Every bone in his body screams at him to move, to pull away. But the heart wants what it wants, and he simply gives in. His eyes shut, his arms make their way around Tooru’s neck, and his lips find solace in the other pair pressed onto his.
It’s warm, he thinks. This is not the first time he’s kissed his best friend on the lips—they never shied away from their physical affection whenever they were together—but it’s different. Tooru feels almost gentle, careful. But most importantly, warm. He feels so incredibly warm.
When Tooru pulls away, the longing immediately settles in his bones. Suga already feels empty. He keeps his eyes shut, afraid that this dream would shatter.
“...Tooru?”
Suga’s heart beats loudly in his chest. He steels himself to prepare for the heartbreak as he hears the other man take a deep breath.
The words he hears, however, are not what he had anticipated. Not in a million years.
“I like you, too.”
Suga’s eyes slowly open. His brows knit in confusion as he stares at Tooru.
“What?”
“I like you too, Koushi,” he repeats. “More than a friend.”
Time seems to stop around them. It’s past midnight, the room is dark, but Tooru’s face is clear as day.
Tooru likes him, too.
No more words are exchanged between them as they melt into a tight embrace. It’s comforting, reassuring, but also careful—as if this would make them break. Somehow, Suga doesn’t feel much relief. The worries from earlier on still linger in his head. And, with the way Tooru is holding him—trembling, afraid—he, too, is unsure.
They slowly fall back into bed, pulling the covers over them. Tooru cards his fingers through starlight hair while Suga presses his forehead against Tooru’s chest.
They’re close, like always. Except, this time, it feels somewhat new.
“What now?”
Tooru doesn’t stop brushing his hair as he lets out a deep sigh.
“I don’t know.”
There are too many things to consider—the expectations that come with the relationship, the possible change to their dynamic... Suga can’t even begin to think about long-distance. He doesn’t know how they would work out as a couple, and it terrifies him to know that it might not work out, that it might mark the beginning of the end of their friendship.
“I don’t know what to do, Tooru.”
Tooru holds him tighter. He feels the man bury his nose in his hair.
“We sleep, Koushi.” Tooru presses a light kiss onto his forehead. “Let’s talk about this in the morning, okay?”
Tooru sounds nervous but determined. He has not stopped caressing Suga’s hair, nor has he stopped rubbing soothing circles on his back. His heartbeat is a little fast, but Tooru doesn’t let his hold waver. It’s reassuring, and Suga finds himself slowly pulled in by the waves of sleep.
Even in times like this, Tooru always tries to stay strong for both of them.
Maybe they’ll be fine. Maybe they can work it out. Maybe this can be a good thing for them both.
But, as Tooru said, that’s for tomorrow.
He presses himself further into his best friend’s embrace. Tooru starts to hum a little lullaby. Suga basks in the comforting moment, his eyes heavy.
“Okay,” Suga whispers. “Okay.”