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After Bucky was given the clear –by all the scientists and therapists that participated in his psychological evaluations and de-brainwashing process– that he wouldn’t turn back into the Winter Soldier ever again, he resumed as much of a normal existence as he could.
Most of the time, he could lead a somewhat peaceful life, only disrupted from time to time by his participation on missions with the rest of the Avengers. But despite all the improvements he has been enjoying ever since he was freed from Hydra’s control, not everything is perfect for the former assassin.
All treatments, experiments, therapy, and more aside, the man still suffers from haunting nightmares almost every night; the kind that put him in situations from his past that he would rather not relive in any way, shape, or form. At the same time, and against initial expectations, his memories didn’t come back to him any easier than they did before.
Nevertheless, he dutifully kept track of all the “new” memories that resurfaced and even wrote down anything that came to mind in case it could turn out to be a lost memory. And after a while of that, he was finally convinced to let Wanda try to help him recover whatever she could.
Bucky was hesitant about it for a long time, fearing that something could go wrong. After all, he had a lot of experience with people messing with his head. But, eventually, he ended up caving into the others’ reassurances and encouraging words. Even while knowing well that he could remember horrible things, such as the torture he endured and the missions he was forced to carry out, he had the hope that he would also be able to recall happy memories from his life before the war.
Unfortunately, when it came the time for Wanda to start digging around Barnes’ mind, she didn’t manage to recover anything of significance. Or at least that’s what they all thought at first, until one day, Wanda uncovers a memory from World War II. More specifically, from the time Buck was taken prisoner by the Nazis and experimented on by Zola. The moment everything started going downhill for him, really.
That fateful day, Bucky and Wanda were accompanied by Steve, Sam, and Natasha. The Captain was always there for his best friend, of course, and the Sergeant appreciated greatly Rogers’ support. But since Maximoff had said that she was feeling good about that “memory recovering session” (as they came to call the process), Wilson and Romanov wanted to be present as well.
That was in case whatever was brought to the light was bad enough to trigger Bucky into having an adverse reaction. Although, they were all hoping for good results and for the Sarge to take them in stride. However, no one expected what they ended up discovering.
Once Wanda was finished recounting what she saw –given that Bucky was still in shock and trying to process what he remembered– and after she left, the small group of Avengers began to discuss the matter. That’s how they started theorizing about how Armin Zola, the Nazi scientist that experimented on Barnes and that used to work for Johann Schmidt as well, had already tried to turn Barnes into the Winter Soldier back then. He wasn’t only tortured for information, but he was also used as a lab rat for whatever copy the Nazis had at the time of the Super Soldier Serum.
Yet what seemed even worse than that was the fact that, apparently, they were already attempting to wipe Bucky’s mind. At the very least, that would explain why when Steve found him strapped to an examination table, Buck was reciting his name and number over and over again. It might have been because he was conscious of what was being done to him and he was afraid to forget his identity.
“Back when I found you, strapped to that table, you were confused and out of it,” said Steve to Bucky, noticing that his friend had finally snapped out of the trance he had fallen in.
Recalling that night, Rogers realizes that the other man looked like he had no idea what was going on around him, even as the building he was in was exploding. An alarm was going off, soldiers were abandoning their posts, and the doctors even left Barnes behind so they could get to safety. Yet the Sergeant kept speaking to himself while lying still on top of the table.
“You were mumbling your name and number repeatedly as if you were trying to memorize them,” pointed out the Cap, his brow furrowed in concentration, trying to remember as best as he could.
“You were left alone, yet you didn’t even notice that no one was looking after you, nor keeping you hostage.”
The memory still haunts Steve; the sheer eeriness of it making him shiver unplesantly.
“If…if I hadn’t found you in time, you would have died, Buck.”
Rogers’ tentative words, voiced in a strained manner, chill everyone around him to their core.
The idea that Bucky could have perished without understanding or even acknowledging what was happening, seems crueler than one would think. Because even when a lot of people wish for a quick, painless death (like fading away in their sleep), the notion of not knowing that one’s demise is about to befall them is not a preferable outcome. That would eliminate the chance of attempting to survive. And in Buck’s case, if he could’ve been aware of his surroundings, he could have at least tried to escape even if Steve hadn’t managed to find him.
But even with that extremely sad realization, what caught Barnes’ attention wasn’t any of that, but something that happened not long after Rogers freed him from the lab table. No, what he focused on instead was the moment the both of them came face to face for the first time with Schmidt, when the former leader of Hydra revealed what his failed experiments with the Serum lead him to look like. Then, Schmidt was accompanied by none other than Zola himself, and the recovered memory helped Buck to notice something he doesn’t think he could’ve been aware of at that time.
“I remember that, when we faced Schmidt the first time, Zola wasn’t looking at you, he was looking at me,” quietly commented Bucky, a look of dawning realization and confusion plastered on his face.
“And despite all the fuzzy memories, the expression he had on his face seemed familiar to me. It was clinical, calculating. I think he was already analyzing the results of his experiments on me. Gathering data about how successful he had been.
“Think about it, he probably didn’t expect me to be able to climb off of that metal table, let alone walk out of the building on my own,” proposed Bucky, the gears in his mind turning like crazy in an attempt to put all the pieces together.
Right then and there, he knew he was onto something.
“But the fact that I did that must have been a good indication to him. The bastard was probably already considering me as the perfect candidate for what would end up being the Winter Soldier Program.”
Barnes’ words were filled with hatred and scorn; he wished that the mad scientist could still be alive so that he could get the retribution he’s owed.
“You were living proof that his research was valid,” stated in Natasha, horrified at all the implications of that statement.
Understanding how Zola saw Barnes as no more than a test subject made the spy sick to her stomach. Especially because she knew far too well how that felt.
“I’m sure he was already thinking about replicating the process with more people as soon as he could,” scoffed Romanov, letting her cynicism show in favor of her fury.
She wasn’t trying to downplay its gravity, but she didn’t consider that getting angry would be a wise choice. The last thing she wanted was to upset Bucky any further.
“Not only that, but he might have been trying to cash in on the emotional side of things,” chimed in Sam, using his experience counseling war veterans weigh in on the conversation.
“I mean, if he saw you two together after leaving Bucky behind, then he must have realized that he was important to you,” explained Wilson in a serious tone, pointing first at Barnes and then at Rogers.
“Enough so that you would go out of your way to rescue him.”
No one had to spell out what all of that meant, they all understood the severity of the issue.
“Then we met Zola again and he saw first-hand that we had survived and were still together,” supplied Steve, following the same train of thought Sam had.
“Knowing that you hadn’t gone back home but stayed at the front lines with me instead assured him that you were in good health, further solidifying his hypothesis that the Serum worked on you better than expected.”
The Captain felt increasingly more devastated by just how utterly vicious Zola’s plan was from the very beginning, and he wasn’t the only one disturbed by it.
“When I fell from that train in Switzerland, Zola found not only the best candidate to survive all the experiments and treatments, but he got in his hands someone that could go against Captain America,” Bucky muttered darkly, seething in rage internally.
“He found someone who could even break you, given the bond that we share.”
Then he was talking only to Steve, and Rogers could see the regret still present, clear as day, in Barnes’ eyes. The guilt the Sergeant still carried with himself –despite all of Steve’s reassurances about it– regarding what happened just a few years back, when he almost killed the other man.
“So, in the end, Bucky wasn’t chosen just because he was physically adept,” began Natasha, voicing everyone’s thoughts at the moment.
The very conclusion they all came to.
“But because who would be better to fight Steve than his former best friend?”
The harsh reality hit them like a train and it left a bitter taste in their mouth. Needless to say, that was one of the worst “memory recovering sessions” Bucky had, but at least it helped him understand more about the reasons behind all the pain he was put through.
As twisted as Zola’s motive was, they all recognized that Bucky wouldn’t be with them otherwise. And from that revelation, Barnes and Rogers started to make peace with part of their past, bowing to do their best to not let anyone else go through the same hell the Sergeant had to endure. At the very least, they were lucky enough to still have the other’s friendship to rely on and help them through all the bad moments spurred by their complicated lives and troubling memories.