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“I’ll see you in a few hours big man!” Tubbo exclaimed, throwing his phone across his bed just to prove his point. Ranboo gave him a tight smile, ignoring the pang in their chest at the descriptor, which they could easily pass off as anxiety about the upcoming flight. They had told Tubbo of their fear of flying, part of the reason they hadn’t been outside of the United States before. Tubbo calmed a little, flashing Ranboo a genuine grin. “I can’t wait to see you. It’s gonna be so much fun.”
“Same to you Tubbo.” Ranboo smiled. “But I’ve gotta go now. Flight’s boarding soon.”
“Good luck dude!” Their friend said, joyous. “Try and get some sleep or something.”
~~~~
Ranboo was dead on their feet by the time the wheels of the plane touched the ground, despite having slept for nearly half the flight. It was fitful and more resting their eyes than anything else because every time their eyes slipped closed the plane shook or bumped, or a flight attendant came along with food, drinks, or snacks. They didn’t mind the latter, it was their job, but every sign of turbulence sent their heart dropping into their stomach and a sick feeling built in their throat. They hated flying and if they could, they’d never do it again.
Their eyes blurred as they made their way through customs, talked to a border patrol officer checking their passport and collected their suitcase, dragging it behind them as they sluggishly headed in the direction of the pickup zone. Tubbo said they’d meet them there. Their phone buzzed.
Tubbo: oi
Tubbo: tall man
Tubbo: where r u
Ranboo: almost there, give me two minutes
Tubbo: ill be counting >:(
Tubbo: i want to see you
They laughed quietly at the last messages, ignoring the first couple. Tubbo didn’t know, there was no point in being upset.
They were still looking down at their phone when there was a shriek of excitement from behind them and suddenly, they were being rugby tackled by a much shorter ball of joy. Ranboo barely managed to remain on their feet as Tubbo clung to them, cackling with laughter.
“Hi Tubbo.” Ranboo chuckled, twisting in his friends grasp to hug him properly. “I hope you still don’t plan on kicking me in the balls because I’m hugging you.”
“No.” Tubbo said happily, finally releasing them. “I said if you hugged me. I hugged you, so it doesn’t count. I will still kick you if you hug me any other time though.”
Ranboo blinked. “You’re much scarier when the threats might have consequences.”
“Good.”
“You’re far too bright and happy to be threatening me with physical violence.”
~~~~
The next couple of days were a fog of excitement and streaming, with events blurring into one long series of stuff. It was difficult to keep up their energy for the near constant streaming and commotion of meeting everyone within the next couple of weeks. Tommy was coming around too, so there was that to look forward to.
By the time Ranboo finally decided to break their streaming streak they were near falling asleep at three in the afternoon and Tubbo was getting a little concerned. Tommy wasn’t there yet, and the stream wouldn’t be until hours after that still so they supposed they had time to take a quick nap before everything really got underway. They supposed part of it was dealing with the slowly building anxiety in their chest every time they heard “he” or “him”. At home, it was easy to bury themselves under a blanket and ignore the world for a few hours. Here… not so much.
Here, Tubbo was living in the same space as them. Their office and bed were in the same room, even if separated by a ladder and half wall. Tubbo’s bed was right next to theirs. Their work and relaxation spaces were the same and it meant they couldn’t separate themselves for it. On top of the fact that Tubbo was always there, working or streaming or talking with others in Discord, and it all built up.
“You right big man?” Tubbo asked them, poking their shoulder. He seemed concerned. “You only woke up a couple hours ago and you look like you’re about to drop off again.”
Ranboo grunted, squinting up at their friend. “Iz all good.” They murmured. “Tired.”
“I can wake you when Tommy gets here if you want? You don’t wanna be falling asleep on stream later.”
“Yeah, wake me… wake me then.”
~~~~
There was a weight on their chest. A crushing, violent weight that jolted them upright with a gasp, ragged breath tearing through their throat. Throwing the blankets off, Ranboo drew in another short gasp, releasing it with a hacking cough. Oh God, why can’t I breathe- why can’t I breathe! Their tear-filled eyes wouldn’t focus, drew in air into their lungs in short, struggling gasps, everything was just overwhelming, and they were panicking, unable to breathe, unable to move-
A pair of hands landed squarely on their shoulders, forcing them upright and their head to tilt back. Someone was speaking, they recognized that much, but none of the words made their way in Ranboo’s muddled and terrified brain. Their breathing was still short and sharp, panicked gasps only growing worse as vision blackened.
“-nboo! Ranboo! Come on man, can you hear me! Ranboo!”
They let out one final, terrified gasp before dissolving into hacking sobs, weight finally dissipating. Tubbo’s voice was only just making sense, he was calling their name, hands pushing their head away from their chest in an attempt to get them to breathe. The touch was making their skin crawl and they let out a pathetic whine, wrenching themselves away from their friend.
For a moment, they just needed to breathe. They needed everything to stop- the lights were too bright, Tubbo’s voice was grating against their skull, clothing scratchy. It was all too much. Ranboo had had panic attacks before, even ones worse than this, but never with anyone else around. It was only making Tubbo panic as well because he didn’t know what to do, how to calm Ranboo down.
“St-op!” They managed, pulling away from their friends touch when he tried to reach out again.
“Ranboo?” Tubbo’s voice shook. “Big man, are you okay?”
They winced, mostly at the use of man, but also at the noise. Clamping their hands over their ears, they shook their head. It was accompanied by another broken sob as Ranboo broke down even further- everything over the last days and weeks was just too much all at once, they couldn’t hold it in any longer and finally, after months of wondering how they’d ever tell Tubbo, it was released.
“Not big man.” They hiccupped. “Stop! Just want it all to stop!”
It took another few minutes before their chest stopped heaving and the world around them made more sense. They were still on the couch with blankets now on the floor, Tubbo sitting right beside them with a pinched look on his face and hands squeezed into fists. The tension dissipated all at once when strain in Ranboo’s shoulders released and they fell forwards, head resting on their knees. The worst part was over, but now they needed to explain everything. They didn’t know what to say. Tubbo didn’t seem too either.
Finally- “Are you okay?”
“I think so.” They breathed, chest stuttering. “I just… need a minute.”
“Alright… alright.”
Silence reigned as Ranboo tried to gather themselves. They couldn’t believe they had had a panic attack in front of Tubbo and they had just begun to spiral again when Tubbo once again spoke up.
“Ranboo? Can I give you a hug?”
That was what got them to break completely. Tubbo had always been open about his dislike of physical contact and the knowledge that they seemed to be the singular exception, evident from day one, both saddened and comforted them. The fact that he was offering a hug despite this aversion only made them feel worse in the moment. Ranboo nodded anyway. Gently, Tubbo reached out and wrapped his arms around them, letting them lean down into the touch. They let out a breath, eyes fluttering closed. The two stayed like that for a few minutes, intertwined and completely comfortable, Ranboo resting their head on Tubbo’s shoulder. Tubbo rubbed his thumb across the back of their hand, the light pressure giving them something to focus on.
“Do you think you can tell me what’s going on?” Tubbo murmured. “It’s okay if you can’t but I just wanna know you’re alright. Tommy’ll be here soon.”
“Oh.” Ranboo had totally forgotten about the latter part. “I- I don’t… I’m not…”
“Hey, look at me.” Ranboo raised their head. Tubbo’s face was flooded with concern, but also soft. Ranboo knew he cared. “You don’t need to explain if you don’t think you can. I just want you to be okay.”
“Tubbo…”
“Ranboo.” There was silence again. “Is it something to do with me calling you big man? I noticed you… like, flinching whenever I say it. And the ‘not big man’ thing.”
“Promise you won’t be mad?” They whispered.
“Never. I could never be mad at you.”
It took Ranboo a moment, but they quickly realized they weren’t going to be able to get the words out. They shook their head.
“Can I write it down?” They murmured. “I can’t say it.”
“Course. Hold on, I’ll grab my phone.” Tubbo leaned over, never once letting Ranboo out of the hug, and opened his notes app.
Reaching out with shaking hands, Ranboo wrote the words he had been trying to say for far too long:
I’m non-binary and use they/them pronouns. I’ve been trying to tell you for so long but I’ve been too scared to. Please don’t use gendered terms when referring to me. No one else knows, not even my parents.
Tubbo took a moment, then smiled. “Dude- I, oh… uhhhh, Ranboo I- shit I’ve somehow already messed it up.”
“I’m Californian.” Ranboo cracked a grin through their anxious demeanor. “Everything is dude. You’re dude. Tommy is dude. Anything even slightly inconvenient is dude, inanimate object or otherwise. I don’t mind that one.”
“Oh… okay, good. I just… I want you to know that I’ll always accept you no matter what. I don’t care what pronouns you use, promise. You’re still Ranboo.” He paused, then squinted. “As long as you haven’t murdered anyone. I think that’d be an exception.”
“Says the one that threatened me with physical violence seconds after we met.” Tubbo gaped at them.
“Are you ever going to let that go?”
“No.” They grinned. “Never.”
Tubbo scowled but he quickly settled back into a calm smile. “I’m glad you could tell me. Do you want me to keep it to myself for now, like off stream and friends and stuff too.”
“Please. I think… I think I’ll come out to some others while I’m here but I’m not ready for the internet know yet. I’m still working stuff out.”
“And that’s perfectly fine.”
“Thanks Tub-“
“ ‘ELLO!” The door to the room burst open with a crash and suddenly Tommy, dressed in his signature red and white shirt, was standing in the doorway. “Where’s the boob boy!”
And then he stopped, because the position the pair was sitting in was probably very concerning without context. Tommy had just walked in on the two cuddling on the couch, with Ranboo practically sitting in Tubbo’s lap. The arms of the latter were still around Ranboo’s waist. Tommy frowned, throwing his arms up.
“You’ve only been here a few days! Come on, I thought you said you’d limit the flirting to a bit!” He was clearly joking because moments later, he threw himself onto the couch to join the two. “I’ll interrupt. Nice to finally see you, Ranboo.”
“You too, Tommy.” They smiled.
Not too long after, Tubbo and Ranboo shared a knowing look and Ranboo silently shook their head. Not now, it meant, later. They’d tell Tommy later, but first they’d have to come down from the euphoric high of being accepted by one of their closest friends, knowing that it was safe. The next four months would still be punctured by disappointment and dysphoria, but now they had someone to turn to that understood what they were going through. Tubbo was an amazing friend, even if they didn’t quite have the words to express it to his face.