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He was lonely.
He had no idea what that meant before, the emotion ‘lonely.’ He didn’t understand emotions at all.
And yet, now he knows. He knows now that even if he didn’t recognize it, for all those centuries, he was so very lonely.
He never felt alone because he never knew of the joys of company. But then, on that day, she showed up on the balcony of Wangshu Inn. He ignored her at first, of course. It was only his nature to reject others. If only he knew that this one wasn’t leaving so easily.
Again, during the Lantern Rite, she appeared before him. He despised the Rite, for he never understood the appeal. He didn’t understand what others felt when in the company of their fellow mortals. That was why he hated the Rite so. It was a time for connection, for warmth, for love. Those things, they never made any sense to him.
So why was it that during the Lantern Rite, which he detested with all his might, that he was so astounded? Why was it that the night sky, which looked no different than the one before, was suddenly so much more beautiful when it glowed with the light of a thousand lanterns? He had seen it glow from afar, but it couldn’t compare to this view, which made his heart beat faster and faster with each moment.
This light, it was like he could see each and every one of the people of Liyue’s wishes right in front of his eyes. It glowed with their hope, their sadness, their laughter. The light, which illuminated his face in the otherwise dark night, the light which burned so bright he wished to close his eyes, but yet, he couldn’t.
He wanted to see.
And as he looked at the sky he felt he really only saw for the first time, he smiled. It was hardly even a smile, actually. The corners of his lips merely lifted a fraction. He couldn’t even remember the last time he truly smiled. He guessed he could thank that traveler for this view.
Suddenly, he wished that she was there to witness that brilliantly golden sky with him. And his heart clenched with that thought. What was this feeling? This need, this want. This feeling of being alone, he… he hated it even more than the Lantern Rite, he supposed.
She came to him for help not very long after. An imposter Adeptus, was it? For some reason, he could barely remember what they were talking about, at times. He was too distracted by… her. The way she walked, the way she talked, the way she carried herself while fighting. Why was it all so mesmerizing? Why was he acting this way? Not being able to focus on minor things, his thoughts being consumed with images of her.
He often sat on the roof of Wangshu Inn, having a clear view of the inhabited landscape of Liyue. It was a spot for him to watch and listen, able to jump into action at the first sight of danger. He never expected to see her face, the one that had been plaguing his mind, here.
She climbed up onto the roof with ease, an adventurer’s strength, no doubt, and seemed surprised when she lifted her face to see him there, as well.
“Ah… Xiao, you’re here too,” she said, continuing her full ascent after a momentary lapse.
He didn’t respond to her, only watched her movements silently, captivated by the way the moonlight illuminated her figure.
Lumine moved to take a seat next to him, and since the rooftop wasn’t very abundant, they ended up sitting close enough for Xiao to feel the heat given off by her. It made him want to lean in almost, but that thought didn’t go far as she spoke to him again.
“Beautiful night, isn’t it? I came up here to see the stars better. They remind me of my home,” she said.
He hummed in response, still not saying a word. Why was he rendered speechless in front of her? It wasn’t like his usual lack of intent to speak, he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t. No words seemed like they could amount to what he wanted to convey to her, it seemed. But then, what did he want to say at all?
Lumine didn’t seem fazed by his silence, it was something she was used to. She spoke again, “I couldn’t sleep, really. I can’t sleep much these days,” she sighed, and looked down at her hands, calloused from wielding her sword.
Xiao looked at her deflated figure, the way her eyes lost a glimmer of light, probably from the moonlight not reflecting at the right angle anymore when she moved.
They sat there so close, and yet he felt so far away from her. He wished he could reach into his head, and pluck out the words he wished to say and show them to her, instead of speaking, which held nuances he didn’t want to learn.
His heart clenched again, similar, yet different to before. His hand flinched, and his mouth hung open vacantly for a few moments before he finally spit out a sentence. “Did you have a nightmare?”
He consumed dreams, so the nightmares of mortals was nothing he wasn’t aware of. He had seen the trivial things humans lamented over, the nightmares reflecting their thoughts. During the day, no matter what they faced, they never expressed their feelings as much as they did while asleep. He didn’t sleep, so he didn’t understand why or how, he only understood what he saw, and you can’t see what people are thinking.
Lumine looked at Xiao with an expression which could only be described as surprise. Her eyes widened ever so slightly, and her mouth hung open before curling into a slight smile, her face turning into a state of resignation. You can’t see thoughts, and yet humans’ faces so clearly expressed how they felt sometimes.
“How’d you guess?” She asked, turning back to face the sky, once again to gaze at the stars.
“That tends to be the reason most are awake during this hour, in my experience,” Xiao said, his eyes never leaving her face.
What about her drew him in like a moth to flame? Why was seeing her under this pale moonlight making him breathe quicker? What was this feeling in his chest that flared up at the sight of her? He didn’t understand any of it, and yet it made complete sense.
It was a long time until either of them spoke again, they just sat there, looking at the stars. Well, Lumine was, anyway. Xiao was looking at the reflection of them through her gold eyes, the hue reminding him of that light-lit night of the Lantern Rite.
Xiao said nothing, until Lumine looked over towards him, and they both forgot to breathe a moment, as her eyes met his.
Lumine cleared her throat, and spoke quietly enough that he wouldn’t be able to hear her if they weren’t next to each other. “I dreamt about… my brother. I still don’t know where he went,” she looked up at the stars illuminating the sky with white light. “I miss him.”
Xiao looked at her expression, clearly riddled with sadness and grief. Why did his heart ache when he saw her like that? He wanted her to smile. For her to smile as she did when they first met.
He spoke. “I have never slept. Or dreamed, for that matter. So I don’t know what it’s like to have a nightmare,” his eyes darted down to her hand, which was resting beside her. “But I understand that it’s an upsetting experience.” He hesitantly put his hand over hers, and then looked into her eyes with determination. “What can I do to help you?”
She stared at his hand, which was grasping at hers. Then turned her hand upwards to interlock their fingers. She looked up at him with a smile that made his heart skip a beat.
“Help?” She said, tilting her head. “I never thought I’d be the one to see Xiao, the great Yaksha, give aid of his own volition.” She laughed, and the sweetest sound he’d ever heard filled his ears. “But if you're offering…” She moved closer to him, and raised her other hand to hold his. Then, she gingerly laid her head on his shoulder. She took a long breath out, relaxing. “Stay here with me for a while?” She asked.
He felt like he was frozen. He couldn’t move, he was unable. His hand was trapped in her’s as she drew invisible circles into his palm. The warmth coming from her was drawn into his shoulder and spread throughout his entire body. He slowly spoke. “…Okay.”
The sky was filled with stars, and that night was beautiful enough for anyone to appreciate it readily. And yet; the sky wasn’t what made Xiao think that night was beautiful. The sight of Lumine falling asleep on his shoulder was. The slow rising and falling of her chest and her hands loosely around his palm.
The Lantern Rite was a sight to behold. But that night had no choice but to take second place to this one.
“If I was to ever dream…” he whispered, “I would want it to be of you.”
/~~~/