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Today was something different from Changmin. He can find the perfect words to explain how draining and gloomy the day is when it's just half of the day not until a too familiar man walks in the door of the room.
Changmin greeted him with a warm smile trying to ask how he's day was earlier only to get a shy smile and a small response that made Changmin lost for a moment.
"Is there something wrong?" Changmin asked while stepping closer to the man holding his hand trying to make him comfortable until he lets out everything that's silencing him but the man stayed silent only staring to his eyes.
"You know you can tell me right?" Changmin asked to be followed with a small chuckle trying to make the atmosphere lighter as Him too is slowly getting nervous as he never saw Juyeon like this.
"Well the thing is..." Juyeon started softly, taking his time to pick the perfect words he wants to say.
"The thing is...? Come on Juyo it's just me here, is there something wrong?" Changmin trying his best to assure himself that this is nothing serious not until it is.
"Hyunjae... Hyunjae just texted me earlier this morning saying he wants to... you know talk about it." Juyeon quietly said with his head down trying his best to not hurt the younger.
But the moment he said his name Changmin was already scarred, wishing he should've never asked and just let Juyeon stay quiet today as everything yesterday was fun and happy and flowers and magical, Every moment he was with Juyeon actually. Changmin hates to overthinking, Oh he surely does but the moment he said Hyunjae wants to talk it out he already thought he needs a plan how he can move on from Juyeon.
"Ah really?" the only words that managed to escape from Changmin’s lips trying his best to stay calm despite having thousands of scenarios on his head already.
"Yes..." Juyeon replied awkwardly.
"So, did you say yes?" Changmin asked praying every prayer he knows for it to be a firm No. Looking up to Juyeon to see his eyes. Yeah he looks good today, as usual.
"I did.." and with that Changmin’s heart dropped on the floor.
"Why? Why Juyo? Just Why?" Changmin asked tears slowly forming on his eyes as he hopes he can have atleast a less painful answer from the older.
"You know, maybe to fix the mess we left? or to start over again? I don't know, I just felt the urge to say yes." and once again Changmin was frozen feeling like his heart on the floor was stepped, crushed and pestled into fine piece. Fix the mess? Start Over again? What?
"Come again? Did I just heard you right?" Changmin asked.
"Yes you did." Juyeon answered calmly
"That's Hyunjae right? The same Hyunjae we know? The Hyunjae who left you a year ago right? Right?" Changmin slowly raising his voice
"Yes, Lee Hyunjae." Juyeon firmly said slightly shocked with the sudden raise of the voice from the younger which he never heard before no matter what happens.
"Are you serious right now Juyeon? Hyunjae? And you said Yes? Let me just remind you Juyeon that the Hyunjae who left you before and the Hyunjae who just texted you earlier is the same." Changmin said frustrated stepping back from the older finding his place against the big mirror.
"Yes Changmin, I am fully aware." Juyeon followed the younger with atleast a yard of distance away from each other.
"You've got to be kidding me" Changmin said sarcastically seating down and leaning his head against the mirror.
"I am not. I just want to give the man a chance. We still don't know why he left though, I don't even know what happened to him." Juyeon leveling with Changmin trying to explain himself from the frustrated younger.
"Oh yeah? then you'll get back together like everything is okay again? Go on Juyeon, Keep going. Until he leaves you again just like before, Almost unrecognizable and almost a fucking zombie so go on do it." this time Changmin looked on Juyeon with disappointed eyes making him remember how mess he was before.
"I actually don't understand you right now, shouldn't you be happy for me? Atleast like the friend you are to me?" Juyeon replied to the younger and this time his voice is slightly being loud as well.
"Happy? Juyeon that man left you before and I had to go to your house almost each and everyday to check if there's a chance you'll be alive like you were before he left you. So yeah Juyeon I am your friend." Changmin replied sarcastically hoping Juyeon would understand what he means.
"Goodness Changmin, I didn't ask for your help before, I never did." Juyeon replied running his hands through his hair with frustration.
Silence filled the room when Juyeon's words actually hitted Changmin, Bullseye actually.
"Is it wrong Juyeon? That I don't want you to get hurt again?" He asked softly pain hinted on his voice without daring to look at the older.
"It's not, Changmin but you know me I can handle myself." Juyeon replied making Changmin chuckle as he remember how he helps Juyeon every time he vomits due to alcohol.
"Then is it wrong that I want to be selfish this time?" Changmin asked staring straightly to Juyeon, a tear escaped his eyes.
Juyeon has no guts to answer his question or simply he just don't want to hurt his friend more thinking he already gave him too much heartache the moment he agreed to him that day.
"Are you really waiting for him to come back even before?" Changmin asked wanting everything to be much more clearer. Juyeon then replied with a small nod making Changmin cursed under his breath squeezing his eyes shut as he lean his head on the mirror behind the two of them.
"I'm sorry." the only thing Juyeon managed to say trying to less the pain of a person he once called his (platonic) soulmate.
"Oh don't be, Juyeon. Don't be" Changmin said trying his best to smile as he felt guilty that he made Juyeon think it was his fault in which he laughed at himself internally thinking he's the one getting broken hearted but he's the one feeling guilty.
A few minutes passed with silence on the room with Changmin trying to contain his sobs.
"I'm sorry for making everything complicated for us, for you." Changmin started. "I don't know what I was afraid of-" He continued only to be cut off by Juyeon.
"You don't have to be afraid of anything" Juyeon said trying to assure him in which he wheezed slightly.
"If I was afraid seeing you again so broken or seeing myself broken because you're now happy and don't get me wrong Juyeon, I want to see you happy." Changmin continued speaking "But the fear that it's not with me does." Changmin said making the room silent once again.
"Isn't it so funny that me, myself is the one who brought me in this situation." Changmin then laughed again at his own stupidity. Juyeon was quiet the whole time listening about Changmin’s thoughts as Changmin is always the one who listens to him.
"You know that day when you finally agreed for me to enter your life completely and make you happy once again, I was over the moon." He said tears slowly making its way out of his eyes again. "Thinking I can finally give you what you deserve, not like what Hyunjae did and I was so full of myself, I was so sure I'll try everything to not see you on that moment again." He said reminiscing every promises he made to himself.
"The moment I first met you half a decade ago I said to myself I'll make you the happiest person on Earth as you have such a pretty smile that every pain I had can be erased by those." Changmin smiled thinking how great happiness looks on Juyeon as tears still escapes his eyes.
"I have never had another person like you in my life again after you came, I have never looked on anyone nor tried to because I thought as long as I have you then everything is fine, the earth will continue to turn not until I realized I fell for you, I fell way too hard I can't even back out now." He said tears falling after another, pitying himself how stupid he looks right now confessing each and every detail to Juyeon.
"I was about to confess to you that day, I gathered up all my courage and strength to finally say I like you and it was the same day you asked me for help to court Hyunjae. Then you were together, then he left, then I was on your life and now here we are." Changmin said and looked directly on Juyeon's eyes which is now crying as well.
"I'm so sorry Juyeon, I'm sorry for falling way too hard. I'm so sorry for feeling this way. I'm so sorry I can't help myself." Changmin cried.
"You don't have to, I was happy everytime we spent together and not gonna lie you indeed took care of me so well." Juyeon jokingly said.
"You were happy with me right Juyeon? I made you happy right? Even just a little?" Changmin asked making himself hurt more.
"Ofcourse I did you dummy" Juyeon replied
"But not as happy with Hyunjae right?" Changmin smilingly asked but sorrow was painted all over his face.
Juyeon can't answer. He might know Changmin longer but the happiness and butterflies he felt with Hyunjae was just beyond words. He kept his mouth shut trying to think if he should answer honestly to the younger but it might broke him so much more this day, or to answer no but he would lie to him again. Until he fully didn't answered anymore.
Changmin stood up, thinking silence was enough for an answer of no already. He brushed his bottoms trying to dust it from the dirt of the floor collecting himself and fixing his things.
The older just stood still beside the mirror as he watched Changmin prepare to leave.
After collecting everything Changmin then hooked his gym bag on his shoulder taking a good look on the dance practice room that was his and Juyeon's safe space. Good memories flashing back once again all the clumsiness, jokes and fun things they did together here and there.
And with a small smile he looked on Juyeon thinking how much he grew up from being the small shy quiet transferee he always asks to eat lunch with him so he has someone to rant too about his teachers to the Juyeon he now loves.
"Thank you Juyo, for making me feel like I'm the happiest person on this planet. Hoping you'll also feel that priceless happiness on Hyunjae's embrace."
and with that Changmin left the studio leaving Juyeon out of his life as well because to be honest, a battle between him and Hyunjae was already a lost battle. Juyeon fell way too much to Hyunjae just like what happened to him to Juyeon.
And the truth is, we can't unlove a person, we can't move on, and we can't forget but we can love another person much more and so much better, we can find home to another persons embrace; the one we never felt before and we can be so much more happier to that person until you think that you forgot your past and Changmin just happened to be unlucky because in Juyeon's heart he was nowhere near that.