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When Ken opened the door, it was not surprise that pulled at his face.
"Stell." He frowned, genuinely caught off-guard by the man that stood before him. "Anong ginagawa mo dito?" He did a quick double-take on Stell's clothes, saw the white sweater he remembered giving Stell last Christmas. "Sabi mo tatawag ka lang. . ."
No, it was not surprise, for when Stell offered him a soft smile instead, it was guilt that unmistakeably filled Ken right then.
His frown grew deeper. Ken shook his head, whispering, "Mahal naman eh," before finally running to Stell's awaiting arms.
There was this Tuesday. A day-off, to be specific. The day had greeted Ken with all kinds of reflection, one that hit him at the crack of dawn, where he’d only just binge-watched those cooking videos that took place in the woods, and he’d shifted across his mattress only to find the faint scarlet slipping through the blinds. In that exact second he had to remember it was morning, and that another Tuesday morning meant pushing through hours without Stell. That he’d find his room empty, devoid of that warm, warm laughter, and dead without his dearest sun to enliven the space.
Ken hadn’t always been introspective. It was true he spoke a lot in his silence, and that he’d rather keep those thoughts to himself, but even he had his limits. And he knew them quite well.
Miss na kita, said Ken in one text message. He ditched the daily presence of emojis, settled for that admittedly straightforward wish. If there was one thing he knew Stell would understand, it was his own honesty, and his willingness to bleed right in front of the older man if it meant no secrets would taint their relationship. Such a behavior both relieved and challenged Ken, for whenever Stell acknowledged the younger man’s worries, he, too, would end up seeing whatever Ken hid behind his half-suppressed laughter.
Miss na kita. . .
Ken deleted the whole thing. There were no words for the hollow feeling he bore that morning, no greeting gentle yet heavy enough to say how much he’d been yearning. He wanted Stell, wished for him, and longed for him, so much that he could hardly address his own sorrow.
And he knew it was a petty thing to be yearning for someone’s warmth, but Ken was only human. If anyone else can watch the rich, scarlet sky and shake from all degrees of melancholy, then he, too, can miss Stell, and yet provide no answers to his longing.
Sweet Stell. Oh, sweet, sweet Stell. When Ken had sent the exact same message during Stell’s Tiktok live, he hadn’t really expected the older man to actually understand.
"Tahan na," whispered Stell. His fingers, light and measured, slowly running through Ken's hair, and his lips hovering over Ken's ear, speaking just the right words. "Pinangako ko sa'yo 'di ba? Sasamahan kita sa mga panahong nanlulumo ka."
The world was cruel enough as it is, but, at least, at this moment, in the exact space where they stood relentless against their love's ferocity, Ken understood how much the world was still willing to give.
At last, all Ken could whisper between breaths was "Mahal na mahal kita."