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The feeling of having to end a good chunk of her life felt sad. No, — it felt terrible.
It was more of a burial. Saying goodbye to something she had childishly worked so hard to get for the past few years took her boredom out of the window, but now that she's left all those feelings behind, it was only proper for her to finally put these lingering teenage emotions away. After all, they've graduated.
Lumine liked Ajax a lot, and it was no doubt that the thing she had for him was real. Many nights were spent in sleepovers just chatting her heart out about emotions and all the relationships she had garnered over the past few years, some of these things may have already faded away.. this one had been unwavering for the longest time.
He was nice. Knew when to barge in conversations smoothly and knew when things were serious, a light laugh was always accompanied whenever she found herself around him. All those jokes he made that she laughed at to cheer her up, the small things he knew to be considerate about. It made her happy.
The way he smiled, the way he looked at her, those shared moments of laughter and embarrassment along with the others... She truly treasured these things, but inevitably — a candle's fire will somehow die.
She doesn't want to leave this behind as rotting feeling.
Closure, Lumine. You'll regret not doing this before college, She mutters to herself, facing his dorm room's door.
One big breath and a split second of courage later, several knocks were made to his door.
What greeted her was the very strong, nose-burning scent of presumably the perfume he had always worn, a semi-cleared room with small pieces of clothing and papers still scattered around, and him, with his usual attire of the messy ginger bird's nest on his head and a large jacket, pants, and the black sneakers Lumine had used to fawn over whenever she had passed by those high-end shoe shops. It's still him.
If her memory serves her correctly, that was the same white jacket he lent her when winter was near its peak some years ago because of how much everyone had underestimated the weather. Some dear memory everybody probably romanticized back then; Lumine can't blame them, she would have gushed if a friend told her their crush gave them something to wear.
"Oh, it's just you- hey." Ajax greets with a smile adorning his face. "Sorry I look like a loser right now, Scara just left me with his mess and I thought he came back to maybe help me out."
She stands on the tip of her toes to take a clearer look of the room over his broad shoulders, giggling. "Sure does look like someone just threw a party on one side of the room. Do you need help with it?"
"You sure? It's a guy's stuff," Ajax frowns at the clutter left near the bed his roommate. Obviously no one wants to touch that.
Several sweaters, t-shirts, pants.. It wasn't that bad as he was making it sound like.
"Probably nothing I can't handle. I do have a messy twin brother named Aether, correct?" She shoots a smile. "And besides, I did have something to tell you just to get off my chest, I didn't come here for nothing. This might make it easier for me to express the things I've been thinking about."
And if she had to say, Aether was much more of a mess when they used to share rooms.
He moves aside to let her into the mess, and sighs. "If it's any help then. He bossed me to fold all the things on the bed."
The shared silence was ringing louder in her ears, more than what she expected. It was hard to get the lump forming on her throat gone because it was nerve-wracking.
He was already packing up most of the things he owned in the room, most of them the medals he had garnered for being one athletic person, if not the most athletic, of all the varsity players she had knowledge about. With the feelings away (or not), she'd still find him pretty cool for that.
And then there was this one small picture of his household framed. It fished out a small chuckle from him, apparently being one of the oldest photos he has of his dear family members. Reminiscing, he shares some memories about his younger brother named Teucer always expecting a toy whenever he would come home.
Lumine doesn't know why, her mouth is shut from making any small talk. Her hands were busy on folding the mess of clothes sitting on one of the beds but her mind was always drifting away somewhere else, she's clueless. She's confused as to why it's so hard to speak up because it was only him, it still is just him.
He clears his dry throat, clasping his hands together as he leans on the clean side of the room's empty wall. "So.. you said you wanted to talk to me about something?"
"More like I wanted to tell you something I meant to let you know like a year ago, but I guess you can put it that way too." She sits on the neatly folded bed, and sighs the tension out.
"It'll irk me forever if I never told you — I liked you, Ajax."
A couple moments of silence form between the two of them once again, this time the air seemingly more suffocating for the both of them.
It took him a long time to process whatever words came out of her mouth, he couldn't believe it. After all these years.
"You like me?" He asks Lumine, doubting what he had heard just now. "Oh."
"Liked. Past tense, it happened in the past." Whatever the outcome, some weight was lifted off her chest. She felt just a bit lighter saying it out already ever since she's kept those words in the dark. "Was it not obvious? Everybody kept making us the class couple so I assumed you were uncomfortable with me.."
"But why only now?"
"Oh, you know how nervous I was for almost everything back then. This was one of the impossible things I could have done but never had the guts to do so. If I did tell you, I would have already dug myself a reasonably-sized grave."
He was dumbstruck — all for the good reasons. "What made you stop liking me?"
"Pretty hard question," She hums, fingers finding themselves twiddling with her phone whilst thinking. "I'm not sure how to answer. You're still the same Ajax I liked back then and there's not a doubt about that, but I can't think of a concrete reason..."
"Maybe I just got so caught up in wanting to be in a relationship that I stopped focusing on the more important things." Lumine shrugs. "Either that, or something else I can't really seem to pinpoint. Anything else I'd be able to say would probably sound like an insult."
Three years of being friends and he never knew of it. What made her hide away for so long?
"Why me?" He asks one final question, he swears it is, before packing up everything completely. "Out of all the boys you could have liked back then and now, what made you like me?"
"Back then and now?" He nods. "Well, I always feel safe around you, I guess. You're a pretty warm person metaphorically and quite literally, and somehow you always knew how I felt whenever I went into a slump. Or if you want a more condensed answer, you read me, a book with a foreign language you'd have a hard time learning, perfectly. Being handsome and tall are pluses too."
Touched by her answer, he lets down his shoulders from the uncomfortable pause and lets out a smile full of adoration for the girl — he has clearly never seen himself in such a way she does and the way she explained it definitely wasn't like the other confessions he had received back then,
.. because somehow he feels the same way. Present tense.
"That was your last question, and I gotta go now, so..." Lumine rises from the bed, tidying the folded clothes once more before opening her arms, inviting him into a hug. "Good luck with college, by the way."
He steps forward and engulfs her in a tight embrace, catching the subtle scent of the cologne she'd never stopped using, and smiles into it. Somehow, she was still the same Lumine he met three years ago — maybe taller, more beautiful, more everything. "You too, Lu. I'm glad you still use the scent I gave you, though don't force yourself to wear it if you don't like it, because.."
"Don't like it? What am I not supposed to like about what I'm wearing right now?" She complains in the midst of the hug. "You sure may have chosen it but I wouldn't be wearing it now if the scent didn't fit me!"
Ajax lets out a laugh, wholeheartedly. "Okay, no more complaining. You too, good luck with college." He'll miss her a lot.
They both pull out of a hug, and Lumine frowns. "I'll be honest, it's not going to be the same without seeing you around. I'm so used to always bumping into you."
"Same thoughts, but promise you'll keep in touch with me? My phone number's still the same."
"Of course! Just don't leave me on seen when I send messages and answer my calls, please." A small smile tugged on her lips as her phone starts to ring.
She clears her throat, trying to silence the loud ringing jingle. "Anyway, uh, my brother.. I really have to go now. We'll talk, yeah?"
"I prooomise. Now go, before Aether gives me some sort of scolding for holding you in for too long."
"Thank you!" She exclaims, dashing out of the room back to the dorm lobby.
"That's probably going to be the last time I'll ever see her here," He mutters to himself happily, looking at the clean room. "not the last time I'll be seeing her somewhere else."
After all, I'm the one who has feelings to confess this time.