Chapter Text
Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
(Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry)
Lord, what you're doing to me (yeah yeah)
September 1976
Sirius was fine. He had run away from his abusive household, had great friends who loved and supported him and had the looks others would wish for. But something felt wrong. He wasn’t sure what it was that caused it. He just knew it was there. He actually could name a few times he got that weird feeling, but he still couldn't understand the reason. He could conspicuously recognize that feeling when James would get on his tits talking about how perfect Lily was or when Peter would not stop talking about random girls he found attractive. Truthfully he always found girls boring, even tho he had snogged a few in the past. He also had slept with some, but he soon figured out that it wasn’t all that. He never got to experience falling in love with a girl, despite the number of girls he’d been with. And Sirius could literally have any girl he wanted. He was well aware of it.
And now there he was, sitting alone in the library, drowned in his thoughts. He could hear soft laughter from the distance along with some footsteps, which seemed to come closer and closer to where he was sitting. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone mumbling insults under their breath. He turned his head to find out that the infamous person was non-other than Remus Lupin.
Remus Lupin.
Lupin was a whole different story. He hated this guy’s guts. If he was honest he didn’t exactly know why he despited him so much. It came naturally. He was a Slytherin anyway, nobody liked Slytherins. Lupin was tall with sandy blonde hair and had some weird scars across his face. Not weird actually not at all. Sirius could admit that the bloke was rather attractive and the scars made him even more mysterious than he already was. He nearly choked on the thought of that.
Suddenly someone cleared their through loudly
‘You’re starring’ he immediately recognized the voice, which belonged to Lupin.
‘Oh, yeah sorry.’ he answered feeling a little embarrassed.
‘Did you just apologize to me? That’s a first.’ he said while raising an eyebrow with a surprised tone on his voice.
Before Sirius could answer him, not politely anymore, he realised that he was left alone once again. How dare he was saying that he was starring at him. And what the fuck did he mean Did you just apologize to me, like Sirius couldn’t be polite. He felt anger growing toward the bloke, not that it was the first time. If James was there he would have told him he is overreacting, but honestly, what did James know.
After a while, Sirius decided to head to the common room. And of course, he had to bump into Lupin.
‘Can’t stay away from me can ya?’ Lupin said with that welsh accent of his adding a smirk. Sirius hated that accent. It got on his nerves. And why on earth did he have to add that smirk all the time.
‘Oh, fuck off.’
‘Calm your tits mate, I didn’t offend ya or anything’ he said while letting out a half-laugh
‘Godric, you’re annoying’
‘Mhm... I guess I am. Anyways I gotta go. See you around Black.’ Lupin said and added that stupid smirk again.
‘I hope the fuck not.’ he muttered but Remus was already too far to hear him.
When Sirius finally returned to his dorm he felt exhausted. Not physically but mentally. Not only was he angry at Lupin but he also barely had any sleep those days. He would occasionally have nightmares that tend to keep him awake all night while crying his arse out for literally no reason. He could be depressed. Maybe he was. He just felt angry and sad all the time without exactly having a reason why. And the worst part was that he couldn’t really talk to anyone about that. He hated worrying James and he doubted Peter would help him. He had thought of talking to Evans but they weren’t that close. Once again his thoughts were rudely interrupted by someone.
‘SIRIUS!’
‘What the fuck is wrong with you?! And why are you screaming James!’
‘I’ve been calling you for a minute now. What’s wrong with you lately?’
‘Yeah mate you’ve been seriously worrying us.’ added Pete
‘I’m just thinking. Leave me alone.’
he said tiredly ‘Got any chick on your mind?’ James teased
‘No, I don’t have any girl on my mind. Now leave me alone.’
‘Okay okay calm your tits!’ Peter
‘Ugh not you too’
‘What did I do?’
‘Nothing just...never mind I’m just pissed on that guy Lupin. Can you too let me sleep now?’
‘Him again? I’m starting to think you have a crush on him or something.’ James jokingly said and Peter burst out laughing
‘First of all that wasn’t funny and secondly I’m not queer or whatever. For the last time leave me alone I want to sleep.'
‘Fine we’re leaving you. Goodnight.’
‘Yeah, goodnight Sirius.’
‘Night’
02:51 A.M
Once again Sirius couldn’t sleep. Typical he thought. After tossing around trying to fall back asleep he decided that he could take a walk. He silently walked to the door trying not to wake up his roommates and took his way out to the common room. The hallways were dark, while only a few corners were being illuminated by the moonlight. He could feel a chill breeze and smell the familiar and welcoming scent of the castle.
‘Who’s there!’ he heard someone shouting at him. And obviously that someone was Lupin. How cliche. He ran towards the first closet and got in hoping Lupin wouldn’t find him. And guess what. He was wrong.
‘Now now what a surprise. What is my favourite Black doing out past curfew?’
‘ I could ask you the same thing.’
‘Touche, but I’m the prefect here not you.’
‘Yeah, whatever. Imma head back to my dorm so let’s call it night. I’ve got enough of you today.
‘Aw, I’m that bad, aren’t I? Such a shame you’re not going anywhere unless you tell me why you were out.’ he replied with a mocking tone
‘ That’s none of your business dickhead.’
‘No need to be so passive-aggressive, I was just asking a question.’
‘I’m done with shit. I’m leaving’ before Sirius could turn to leave Lupin held his wrist tightly. ‘What the fuck are you doing?!.’
‘I think it’s pretty clear. I’m not letting you go till you tell me what you were doing..or you were about to do.’
‘I told you it’s none of your business’
‘You’re pretty stubborn you know that Black?’
‘That I’ve been told. Now let me fucking go.’
‘Have I not been clear enough?’
‘Why do you even care? Scared I’m gonna pull a prank on you or something.’
‘Just in case you didn’t notice I’m a prefect. And guess what.’ There was a pause and Lupin moved closer to Sirius.’ That’s my fucking job.’ he continued almost whispering.
‘Okay fine. I couldn’t sleep, decided to go for a walk. Are you happy now?’
‘See? That wasn’t hard was it?’ Lupin said while closing the distance between them. Sirius could feel his heart pounding and his breath got deeper. What in the bloody hell was he doing? He tried his best not to stay out of character and quickly took a step back.
‘Look at you all mad at me, looking like a puppy. You’re really fun Black, I got to admit it.’ he added and pinched his cheek. Then he smirked and disappeared in a second.
Sirius was stunned. He was currently standing in the middle of the corridor with a half-open mouth, possibly red face and eyes widen. That stupid git. Who even permitted him to touch his precious face. Furious, Sirius nearly ran back to the dorm. And as he couldn’t sleep he decided to take out a note and write his thoughts down, as some people did on the books he occasionally read. Some of them called them diaries, others journals. He didn’t care tho, it just helped him sometimes, when he wrote down how he feels.
September 1976, Sunday
It’s fucking 3 A.M and I can’t sleep. I went for a walk like half an hour ago and saw that dickhead Lupin again. For the 3rd time today! Lord should fucking hate me. Anyways that motherfucking piss of shit not only grabbed my wrist but he dared to pinch my cheek TOO! WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS!!! Anyways he’s stupid and he always has that stupid smirk on his ugly mug and he has that weird scars on his face. I fucking hate him.
That’s it Sirius