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If he was being honest, which would have been seen as a novelty, he couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment that it began. He couldn’t pinpoint when things began to change. If they had always been that way and he was simply too blind, or stubborn to see. Maybe it had always been there, rumbling under his skin like the impending summer storm.
The summer air felt thick like syrup, heavy with the promise of long, sun-filled days and hazy nights. Graduation was behind them and this was their last summer, the last one before everything changed. Before Cas left Kansas for some fancy East Coast school while Dean stayed, going to KU so he could be close to Sammy. The thought of his best friend leaving left a bitter taste in his mouth but Cas was going places, Dean had spent far too many years holding him back, right? He needed to leave Kansas.
That wasn’t what was keeping him awake on the first Friday of the summer. Sure, he’d spent a good few hours going over that thought before he heard it. The first deep rumble of far off thunder. The air had been cloyingly thick all day, thick with humidity and the threat of rain loud enough for all to hear.
He’d been lying in bed, restless and with no cure, when he first heard the thunder, a low roar in the distance. He had always been that one weird kid who loved thunderstorms. Some of his earliest memories were sitting on his mother’s lap, the two of them watching the storms that blew through Lawrence most summers. Mary telling Dean incredible stories about angels fighting high up in Heaven, which is how they got the storms.
Cas, on the other hand, had always been afraid of them. Really, it seemed like the only thing he did fear. Dean could still remember the first storm they’d had after Cas had moved to Lawrence and moved into the house next door to Dean. It had been seventh grade, during one of their sci-fi B-movie nights. The storm started midway through Plan 9 From Outer Space , Cas jumping violently when the first crash of thunder came. Dean had built a fort out of blankets and pillows, the two of them bunkered down with junk food and terribly great movies.
That was how the tradition had started. Dean had even gone out of his way sometimes to check the forecast, tracking any possible storms so Cas would never have to be alone during them. He’d done that because Cas was his friend, his best friend in the whole world really.
Now, he reached out in the dark of his room and fumbled for his phone. Firing off a text message to Cas, who would have definitely been awake despite the lateness of the hour because Cas had never really understood the concept of sleep. He was powered by caffeine and an insane need to find out everything he could about the world. Within a minute Cas had responded, telling Dean he would be out front as soon as possible. Fighting back a grin, Dean slid out of bed and quietly threw on whichever clothes were cleanest. He stuck his head out of his bedroom and listened. Heavy breathing came from John’s room and Sammy had gone to sleep hours before. As quietly as possible, he crept out of the house, not forgetting to grab his car keys, and grinned widely when he saw Cas waiting for him by the car.
“The news said it’s going to be a big one,” Cas said as he zipped up his old track team hoodie.
“What a way to kick off summer, huh?” Dean said. “Come on, I’ve got a plan.” OK, he had an idea, which was the beginning of a plan.
He grinned as Cas slid into the passenger seat of the Impala. Cas didn’t ask where they were going, he just seemed content to be going anywhere with Dean. That was one of the many reasons why Cas was his best friend.
Yet, when he really thought about it - which wasn't something he did too often...really, it wasn't - Cas was so much more than just his best friend, especially over the past year or so. He was the first person Dean spoke to in the morning, even before John or Sammy, he was normally the last person he spoke to at night. When anything happened Cas was always the first to know. They'd sat side by side as they'd opened their college acceptance letters, Dean's heart thrumming erratically against his chest with both elation over being accepted and despair over Cas leaving. Nearly every memory Dean had from sixth grade onwards included Cas.
Cas was...well, he was Cas. How else would Dean describe him to anyone?
Still, as they drove through the silent and empty streets of Lawrence, Dean kept glancing over at his best friend. At how the street lights would dance across Cas' features, at how he would quietly sing along to which song came up on the radio.
“I still remember the first storm we had here in Lawrence. Do you remember? We were watching some awful sci-fi film...you built a fort.” Cas said, his voice growing quietly towards the end.
“Course I remember,” Dean mumbled, his ears growing hot. “What-” he coughed, struggling to find the words. “What d’you think you’re going to do at Wesleyan when it’s storm season? Blanket fort?” In reality, he was asking what was Cas going to do in Connecticut without him .
“I...I hadn’t given it much thought,”
Did that mean he hadn’t spent countless hours worrying about what he was going to do when he was over twenty hours away? Dean had googled it when Cas had received his acceptance letter. He’d even mapped out a few routes they could take and stops along the way.
“Oh,” was all Dean said as he continued to drive.
He stole another glance at Cas and was surprised to see Cas looking right back at him, his blue eyes bright even in the dim light. For a moment their eyes locked and Dean wanted to ask Cas not to leave. He wanted to be selfish and beg his best friend to stay, don’t leave, please. He couldn’t though, he couldn’t do that to Cas. He had plans and dreams, he was going to go far. He couldn’t do that by staying in Lawrence and tied to Dean for the rest of his life.
He opened his mouth to say something, to say anything, but Cas broke the spell. His whole face lit up as he recognised the opening notes to the song playing on the radio. Leaning forward, Cas turned up the volume and smiled knowingly at Dean as Ramble On filled the car.
So they drove with Led Zeppelin playing, driving out of Lawrence in the early hours of the morning with the thunder rumbling in the background. Dean continued to drive until their destination drew closer. Cas shot him a quizzical look as Dean began to slow down.
“Isn’t the park closed now?” Cas asked.
“Where’s your sense of adventure Cas?” Dean shot back, parking the car as near to the Wells Overlook tower as possible.
They sat in silence for a long time, just listening to the rumbling of the thunder as they looked out over Lawrence. The rain came not long after. The heavens opened and soon the sound of rain hitting the Impala accompanied the vocals of Robert Plant.
"This...this is amazing. Terrifying but amazing." Cas said with awe in his voice. The Rain Song played on the radio as the rain continued to fall, thunder crashing in the distance. "Thank you for this Dean." Cas looked over at him and smiled. It was that smile that completely broke Dean.
“I...shit...I’m really gonna miss you next year. I mean, it’s only twenty hours away but...yeah...I’m gonna miss you,” Dean said, finally saying the words that had been running through his brain for months.
“Dean,” Cas said in that voice. The voice he always used when Dean said something stupid. Shit, he had done it. With twenty-odd words, he’d fucked their friendship.
“It doesn’t matter Cas,” Dean said quickly, looking back out towards the Lawrence landscape.
“No, that’s not what I mean,” Cas said because he knew Dean. He knew every little facial expression and movement. He knew what they all meant. “Dean...I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’m going to a different school.”
“What...what do you mean?”
“I know that Wesleyan was my dream school but I’m not going."
Dean looked back at his best friend and watched as Cas reached across the bench seat of the Impala with trembling hands. The air inside the car grew heavy as Cas lay his hand in the space between them, his long fingers curling into the worn leather seat.
He could do it. Dean could reach out his own hand and place it on top of Cas'. It felt like the most natural but terrifying thing in the world. Instead, he said;
"Where are you going?"
He mentally tried to calculate the drive times to Yale, Harvard, Stanford and Evergreen. To Brown, Cornell, Dartmouth and Princeton. Every single school would have been crazy to turn Cas down.
Cas' hand still lay between them.
"I didn't want to tell you I was applying in case they rejected me or I ended up on some waitlist. I was going to tell you when I found out but you seemed so happy for me to go to Wesleyan."
"I mean…it's your dream school. I was happy for you."
"Dean, I got into KU. I'm...I'm not leaving Lawrence."
"Why? You could do so much better than here."
" Dean, you know why," Cas said in a voice that was so heavy with emotion it almost knocked Dean sideways. "You know why,"
Without thinking about it, because if he thought about it for too long his brain would short circuit, Dean reached out and took Cas' hand, lacing his fingers through Cas' and holding on tight.
He had never hoped for this. Hope was for people who hadn't been dealt shit in life. He'd never been stupid or naïve enough to want this, but now here they were, overlooking Lawrence as the sky roared with thunder.
He really wasn’t sure when it had started, maybe a part of him had always loved Cas. Maybe he had always loved him but had just been too scared to admit it to himself. Maybe it had formed over time, just like the great summer storm raging above them, the realisation jolting him out of his life just like a crash of thunder.
"Cas, I...I…" he wasn't good at this, he wasn't good at saying exactly what was in his mind or his heart.
"If you say it, I'll say it," Dean's heart hammered and faltered at Cas' words.
"Do you…do you mean it?" Dean asked.
"If I'm being truthful, I feel like I've been in love with you from the moment we met."
A rumble of thunder rolled across the landscape as Dean's heart stopped. This . This, this... this. This was what he'd been too scared to dream of. Too fearful of losing the best friend he'd ever had. Too afraid of Cas not feeling the same way.
"You're my best friend Dean and the thought of leaving you scared me more than any storm. You...you've changed my whole life and...I love you," Cas said in the most earnest voice Dean had ever heard.
Dean knew he wouldn’t be able to tell Cas exactly how he felt, namely because he couldn’t even explain it to himself. Instead took his free hand off the steering wheel, reached out and cupped Cas’ warm cheek. The intense blue of Cas’ eyes bore into Dean as he closed the space between them, his lips finally meeting Cas’ in a slightly timid but still perfect kiss.
He wasn’t good with words but he made sure that the kiss said everything he wanted to. He made sure it told Cas that he loved him.