Chapter Text
Well, thought Cassandra numbly, that’s it. I have to… she couldn’t even verbalize it inside her head.
Not that she didn’t want to; she cared about Jake, and she was sure he would be a considerate lov—
No, not even inside her head.
But she needed a god – or a goddess – of healing, or a magical object as strong as or stronger than the sword Excalibur. Something of the caliber (oh god, her own mind was laughing at her at that one, as if the rest of the universe hadn’t been doing that since she was fifteen) of the Holy Grail.
So Cassie, being the meticulous sort at least when she was in control of herself, made a list. Granted, the list was in her head, but still…
Perhaps Agwu would do, being associated with both health and divination. Airmed from Irish myth, or He Xiangu who had power over both physical and mental health. Maybe Eeyeekalduk of the Inuit, or… no, the problem with deities is that no-one knew what they might do; Cassandra refused to put her team in that kind of danger again, to trust powerful beings that might be capricious or mad or downright evil.
It would have to be an item, something god-touched but not actually a deity. Maybe a unicorn horn, though how she would get a unicorn she had no idea; they were reputed to only come to those who were… never mind, there she went thinking about sex again.
Or the stone called Beatylus, the Elixir of Life from the Philosopher’s Stone, or the Rod of Asclepius.
She needed a symbol of healing, a powerful one – and thank goodness she didn’t need something darker, or she’d probably end up calling the One Ring; one never knew in the Library or even in the Annex. No, she needed a symbol of healing.
And apparently the best way to get one of those was through life magic.
The best way to get powerful life magic was through sex.
~~~
“Jake, I need to talk to you.”
Cassie was blushing brighter than her hair, and Jake wondered why. She also looked unaccountably nervous, and that was unlike her, so he followed her to a small reading room in the Annex and shut the door behind them.
And once she had him in there, she seemed disinclined – or even unable – to talk about it, whatever it was. May as well make it easier for her. “What’s wrong, Cass?”
“I…” She was looking everywhere but at him, and Jake found it both annoying and a little sad. “I need,” she said, and stopped again.
“What?”
“I… oh.” And she launched herself at him and fastened her lips to his.
Soft, he thought, and sweet, and then his brain caught up and he shoved her away, harder than he meant to, because he wouldn’t hurt her for the world.
And she just crumpled, not in the boneless way she did at the end of one of her spells, but she sank to the floor, and she burst into tears. “Oh, god, Jake, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t, and you, you wouldn’t, why would you? Just friends if even that and you don’t want, of course you don’t, and I, oh god, I…” and at that point her own tears choked off the babbling words and she just knelt there on the floor, weeping and rocking slightly.
The art historian part of his brain noted that if she’d had her arms out she’d have been a dead ringer for the pose of Michelangelo’s Pieta, and that dry observation made him realize that this wasn’t just embarrassment, wasn’t just one of her spells, this was grief and despair and terror.
She wasn’t alone in that last; Jacob Stone had never been as scared in his life as he was at the sight of this lovely, sweet, naïve, scary-smart woman dissolved into a weepy puddle on the floor.
“Cass.” Shit, his voice was so hoarse. He swallowed around the huge lump that had appeared in his throat and tried again. “Cassie, sweetheart, don’t cry.”
She didn’t stop, maybe she couldn’t, so Jake got down on his heels and spoke as gently as he could. “Cassie. I’m not mad, I promise. Just…” He took a deep breath. “Tell me what’s wrong. Please.”
Cassie shook her head, but she didn’t look up, she only knelt there, shaking and dripping tears onto the floor. Jake put on hand out, hesitantly, and touched her hair. When she flinched violently away, then he really got worried. God, what happened to her?
~~~
Oh god, Cassie thought despairingly. I did it again. Betrayed the team, betrayed Jake, all on the off chance that I might find a cure. She felt herself flinch away from the gentle touch, because if he knew what she had done, he’d never forgive her. Not this time.
She hadn’t known what to expect when she kissed him; maybe he’d cooperate, maybe he’d reject her advances. But she had expected that if he did reject her, he’d do it gently. Instead he’d pushed her away like she’d slapped him, and oh god, she’d never get cured now, and, and…
So when he reached out again, slower this time, like she was a frightened and feral animal, Cassie managed to control the impulse to get away. “Cassie, sweetheart, you’re scarin’ me.” The Okie accent was creeping in, so he must really be upset, she’d hurt him, he’d never forgive her this second betrayal, third if you counted the Apple, and her brain started firing off in the way that it did when she was just overwhelmed, not so much math trance as straight up seizure.
colors
shapes
sounds of flavor
but nothing useful
she’s useless and dangerous and
they’ll hate her
he’ll hate her never forgive her
“Cassie. God, Cassie, honey, snap out of it.”
Warm arms cradling her against the hard muscles of his chest. And a concerned voice, so gentle with that slight twang that meant he was worried or upset.
Cassandra sighed and snuggled closer.
He didn’t hate her.
That might change when she told him what she’d done, why she’d kissed him.
But for now he didn’t hate her; he was being gentle and sweet and concerned, and in this moment, that was all Cassie wanted.
They’d been afraid to touch her, she thought, everyone. No hugs from parents for fear she would break, and the few fumblings in the dark with boys after she was fifteen, after the tumor… they hadn’t ended well at all. Nothing like a math trance to scare away the boys, and when it happened during … well, that boy would tell his friends and after that no-one wanted to be seen with her, much less touch her.
“Poor lonely baby,” she heard Jake murmur into her hair, and she realized to her utter mortification that she had said some of it aloud.
But he didn’t push her away, didn’t shove her off his lap or even falter in the gentle circles he was rubbing on her back, so Cassie sighed and gave into the wonderful feeling of being held.
And eventually she fell asleep.