Work Text:
11:47 am 12 February 2023
The office was still furnished like it was five years ago. Stark white wall, contemporarily decorated with hanging shelves lined with glass artefacts and books written by renowned authors on psychotherapy. Mrs Choi still possessed the soft teddy, which she used to provide moral support to the youngsters who paid a visit to her office. Surely, who doesn’t like a stuffed toy? The one that you had seen many years back was smiling at you, as you tried to recollect the incidents that made you take asylum at ’ Reconnecting with mind psychotherapy centre’.
Your train of thoughts was abruptly interrupted by the trespasser. It was a middle-aged woman, groomed professionally, with straight locks put up with a tight bun and grey office wear. Her almond eyes indicated that she had just been called out for something urgent.
“___” she spoke your name, as softly as ever.
“Mrs Choi.” you stood up from the couch to greet her. She hurriedly passed you a smile, and sat down at the single couch piece, like she always did with her patients.
“I thought your appointment wasn’t until this weekend,” She asked you, more like questioning your sudden appearance at her office.
“well.” you meekly answered her, “I thought the same too. But it seems like fate had other plans.”
She raised an eyebrow, to which you decided to tell her the real reason why you came up. There is a saying, you shouldn’t lie to your doctor, your therapist and your lawyer, and you want to follow it as much as you can. “There was some last-minute change. I have a flight to catch in a few hours, and I won’t return until next week. And I really really needed to meet you before I go." Of all the people in this universe, you knew Mrs Choi won’t judge your abrupt entry without any specific reason.
"I thought you were doing well once you recovered from your father’s death.” Mrs Choi thought out loudly. “You finished university and I heard that you are working as a physics professor at the National University.”
“yeh, you are right about that.”
“Well, it’s good to see you after a long time here anyways. I hope you are not having trouble coping up with your father’s death.”
“No. It isn’t about my father. It’s something entirely else.” you replied back, letting out a deep sigh. “It seems like you hadn’t gone through my journal-
Mrs Choi became flustered. You knew she was polished at her profession, always doing the homework and back research about patients. But it seems like your unexpected visit caught her off guard. "About that, yes. No,” she said. “I just received the journal you parcelled, just this morning dear. I was hoping to read it tonight, but, here you are sitting in front of me right now.”
“No worries,” you answered. It seemed like it was up to you to manually explain everything. To let the glass shards dig deeper into your heart as you narrate the incidents again. “I thought that my journal would explain the events much more clearly than I ever could. You know how bad I’m with my words,Mrs Choi.” You rubbed your neck sheepishly to lighten the atmosphere.
The lady in front of you nodded. She took out a brown envelope from her handbag. Carefully she fished out a black and gold journal and started inspecting it. It was worn out, but well maintained. You always kept your diaries well maintained, since you were a kid. It wasn’t amusing how you loved writing since you were in kindergarten. But this diary, this beautiful journal, was contrasting to its predecessors. This little book contained entries of some of the most bitter days of your life. And one look at the journal was enough to give you déjà vu about those heartbroken days laced with sporadic ecstasy.
It took Mrs Choi a full ten minutes to scan through the book completely. Once she was done, she softly bent towards you, and asked, “Well, I couldn’t read it completely though. The start seemed quite ordinary.”
“Well, there is always silence before a storm.”
“You aren’t wrong about that darling. But then, I noticed something quite peculiar in this journal of yours.” you knew where she was going. “You don’t seem like a person who tears pages from the journal. I mean, I know you are someone who keeps a proper record and maintains things. But, it might be just my paranoia-” she chuckled as she said that. “ but a few pages are missing from the middle. Seems like someone, maybe you, tore them off-”
“Yes. Yes, I had torn them off.” She was quick. Yes, Mrs Choi was quick at noting the leftover part of the torn pages. "I came specifically here to talk about that. The incidents that made me tear off those four pages.”
“Go on.” she signalled like she always did before she heard a patient. Your heart felt heavier, knowing well enough that it was going to tread into dangerous waters. Reminiscent of those five years in university, they were endlessly agonising and heart-rendering. Unfortunately, or fortunately, only two people in this vast universe knew about your tales of naivety and so-called- treachery. You and Kim Jungwoo.
*
*
24th October 2019
Yuqi came a week late for the new semester. She had a lot of classes to catch up with, but you were grateful she was finally back, as you sipped your black coffee.
The cafe next to the subway was your favourite since it was usually quiet and sold coffee and cake at a cheaper price than what they sold at elegant coffee shops. It had become the prime spot for all your weekend study sessions since both of you were prone to boredom inside your rented apartment; staring at the bulky books on quantum physics and each other. Cafe gave fresh air to your stagnant brains.
She told you all about her family vacation in Hong Kong and Macau. And she was pumped up to tell you all about the fancy hotels she stayed during her visit and the parties she attended.Indisputably, she wasn’t even excited because she stayed there. Yuqi was born in a family of officials and people ranking high on the social ladder. Yuqi was more excited to tell you everything. Especially about her elder brothers, whom she had been trying to set you up with.
“___-ah, trust me! Hyunggu literally had a line of girls asking him for a dance!I really don’t understand why you still think my brother, MY brother, isn’t the right man for you?”
“Yu” you lovingly called her, “How many times do I have to say this, I see your brothers as my brothers. Forget about any romantique engagement from my side towards either of them.”
Yuqi nodded her head, understanding once again that her plan wasn’t working. She began again about the parties she was forced to attend with her mom shouting at her. She had this sweet habit of exaggerating everything, and it made even the tiniest events funnier than they were. And on top of that, she was extremely independent. and you meant it. Yuqi moved out from her family estate to university campus. And that’s how both of you met. And Yuki was adamant not to use a penny from her family treasury, which surely had a downside because a huge chunk of rent of the apartment went from your pocket.
“what has been going on with your life anyways?” She asked you as she started munching the snack bars she brought from a vending machine.
“nothing much.”
“aiish! Nothing much! what a lie!”
“serious bruh! I was stuck at home all day. I did some volunteering though. The ones I used to do with my dad previously.” Yuqi’s eyes softened and you knew what she might ask next.
“Well, your dad would be proud of you ___. He’s watching from heaven.” She squeezed your hand. And at that moment, you truly felt happy that she was there for you. Your first year of university wasn’t something you expected. Sure , the start was great, but the middle was bumpier. Your father’s cardiac arrest left you with an empty feeling inside your chest. You were extremely close to him for a fact; ever more than you were with your mother, who hardly cared what you did. And it was Yuqi who stayed by your side , through the thick and thin. And time and again you wanted to remind her that she is one of the reasons you started smiling again.
“you know how much I’m grateful-
"yes yes! Now finish up your coffee. These books won’t read themselves.” She faked anger and you chuckled. Just an everyday Yuqi mess.
“and yes, I forgot to tell you- I met Jungwoo at Hongkong the previous Saturday.”
your immediate response was a ‘what’. Having attended a couple of classes with the mechanical engineering student the previous year, you knew who Jungwoo was; Class clown, smooth talker and secret genius. But not enough to know more than that.
“He was with his sister at the banquet. We did talk a bit there.” You sighed.
Meeting up with strange rich men in this university wasn’t so rare after all. Having been the alma mater of tons of prestigious businessmen, Lawyers, Doctors and Politicians, your university accepted a lot of 'ultra rich’ students. And you had no idea till that date, that Jungwoo too belonged to a well of family.
“His parents run a hospital. And his sister Seulgi has her own fashion house in Seoul , ___. She’s rich. And I’m assuming he tagged along with her.”
ahhh, you exclaimed, and instantly questioned back , “Was he looking sexy?” you wanted to tease Yuqi how much of a sucker she was for tall men.
“shut up!”
You lips turned into a smirk, plotting more ideas on 'how to irritate Yuqi 101’
*
*
“This is the death of fashion ,___” Jihyo said. “Expected better from you ,babe.” she shook her head, turned her heels and walked away as if nothing happened.And you were left dumbstruck at the sudden comment that came your way. For a matter, the dress you were wearing was expensive. How dare Jihyo call it 'death of fashion’?
“I swear to god-
"calm down ___!” Yuqi pulled the sleeves of your earth brown dress. You took a deep breath, trying not to think how the very first greeting after you entered the party was a terrible remark; how much worse can the party get.
'bitch.“ you whisper shouted at Yuqi as you both continued walking past the throng into the main party hall. "Had you told me before we were going to a party, I would have got my red sequin dress from the dry cleaners!”
“Girl you look ugly af in that sequin mess. I like you better with this.” Yuqi remarked, not missing a beat as she greeted a few college seniors. “and I did inform you about the party! I told you a week ago!”
“what! Yu, I thought you weren’t going to the party since-
"Since it’s hosted by my ex? That would be pathetic ___! Just because I broke up with Lucas doesn’t mean I need to stop enjoying my life.”
You chuckled. “fair enough. But as his friend Dejun would put it up- You are just star crossed lovers.”
Yuqi playfully hit you. “Star crossed- My ass. We ended it well and good. It was mutual if you remember!”
“But that doesn’t mean Lucas would leave any chance to flirt with you.”
“that he won’t!” Yuqi replied with a smug face. “And that’s why I said I need a date ,___. Someone good enough to get Lucas jealous.”
“So revenge was your intention all along!” you connected dots to why your best friend, who had despised Lucas after their breakup a month ago, suddenly decided to show up for a party hosted by him. Everything made sense now.
“Bro- keep it lowkey. Don’t go around spilling my plan.”
“Who would date you though?” you asked her, wondering if someone was 'handsome, charming and showstopping’ enough as Lucas to get him jealous.
“what” Yuqi shreaked, her voice high pitched. “Who won’t date me bitch? I’m sexy.” Yuqi tried a modelling pose, trying to strengthen her point that she was in fact ‘sexy’.
“I do have a plan too, if you are interested ___ah.” Yuqi spoke. “I’m planning to set you up with Seonghwa.”
“The hell!”
“lemme speak girl! And I’m planning to spend my time with Jungwoo.”
You stopped for a second. Yuqi was a genius sometimes. Yes, she was, cause she spotted the right person for her date. The only man who can make Lucas possibly jealous, his best friend Kim Jungwoo.
Your train of thought was interrupted by Yuqi pushing you towards a man. “It’s Seonghwa. Go talk girl.” And you did what she told, making an attempt to get along with the lonewolf;Which instantly failed. And unfortunately, that left you alone with your martini glass as you saw Jungwoo and Yuqi spend their time getting to know each other. You could already feel the green eyed monster taking control over Lucas as he saw Yuqi in Jungwoo’s arms.It was melodramatic but you were too tired to care anymore.
**
It was sudden. It looked like a normal Sunday from outside, as you prepared for your semester tests. But the usualness changed its colours the moment Jungwoo stopped at your doorstep. Yuqi had called him over for a group study session since he needed help in a few topics. You couldn’t deny that. But you weren’t really pleased with the man’s presence.
“Thank you.” he said as you handed him a coke you got from the nearest convenience store for him, since your pantry was technically empty.
He was full of etiquette, but he was sweet too;The moodmaker of the group. You could point out why he and Yuqi got along so well, both of them had explosive personalities and talkative nature, something that contrasted your quiet behaviour.
“Who are you dreaming about ___? Me?” Jungwoo called you out for almost the fourth time that day, as you blanked out, staring into the wall. Concentrating on astrophysics? not the easiest thing to do. A blush crept to your face as the male and your friend chuckled. You shook your head, attempting to diverge the conversation towards something related to the syllabus. But you just couldn’t get something out of your mind. You weren’t focusing. How can you when someone so breathtaking as Jungwoo was sitting opposite to you on your bed. You disliked his cheekiness already but some part of you found it worth all the stars in the world.
image
When the second year of college finished, you were relieved. The vacation was something you needed desperately after a hectic year- but you couldn’t since you made some promises to the dog shelter for volunteering. Since the term ended, Yuqi would go to her family estates to spend a week or two there, for the sake of formalities. And you were missing her already, even at the thought of staying alone in this cramped up apartment for 2 whole weeks.
It was a day before she was about to leave the city. So when she came back that evening to your apartment, you were quite taken back to see her in such a pleasant mood. When you questioned her sudden happiness, she replied back, “Jungwoo asked me out. And I said yes.”
You were taken back at the statement. Jungwoo! Asked Yuqi! What now! You weren’t expecting this at all. Jungwoo and Yuqi were JUST friends in your eyes. When did friendship escalate into dating?
“We are seeing each other. Moreover, he and his sister Seulgi planned to go with my family for the alps tour this summer. Isn’t that great!”
You had to smile back. You were happy for Yuqi. But, you didn’t know why it felt empty suddenly.
*
*
Over the next year you literally lost your sleep. It wasn’t easy for you. Neither it was for Yuqi,you know, but she was being modest and wasn’t complaining as much as she should. You wanted her to , but you know she won’t, cause it was you.
Since the start of the semester, every other day you would wake up in the middle of the night.Academic stress was torturing you slowly and painfully. You used to wake up with horrible nightmares and a midnight craving for food. And in the process of cooking yourself some ramen, you would wake up Yuqi from her slumber. You tried your best to be as quiet as possible, but Yuqi was a light sleeper , which was quite surprising for you. And once she woke up, both of you had trouble going back to sleep. And this dysfunctional diurnal cycle left both of you sleepless and tired during long morning lectures.
And that resulted in an everyday coffee break in the afternoons to wake up your sleeping souls. And someone who accompanied Yuqi to the cafe for Lunch was Jungwoo. Once they started dating at the end of the second year, their relationship just became the definition of PDA this year. Jungwoo tagged along with Yuqi whenever he could, and that often left you as the third wheel. You hated it so much that you ended up cancelling the cafe 'dates’ with Yuqi(and JUngwoo). You just disliked how their hands fit perfectly into each other. It was like they were crafted by heaven for each other. Talking about heaven you had lost all faith in it after seeing your best friend kiss that man in front of you a thousand times a day without any shame. Why should Yuqi be ashamed for showing love to her boyfriend in public? she shouldn’t be. But you still hated it. And everyday this unknown emotion was bottling up inside you as you saw Yuqi return back from the dates with Jungwoo, as if she completely forgot that before Jungwoo, it was you who took Yuqi to tiny 'dates’. You didn’t know if this was lack of sleep that made you so moody, or was it Yuqi’s smiling face, you just weren’t happy with her happiness- Jungwoo.
*
*
Jealousy. Yes. That was the emotion you had been bottling up for so long. How could you be so dumb not to realise it sooner.
Start of Fourth year of college. And the party was grand. For a matter, Seonghwa knew exactly how to throw good parties. Booze, cigarettes,babes and weeds, everything was there. It was a seniors’ party after all. Yuqi was excited about going to this one with her boyfriend. You weren’t. And you knew why she was so darn excited. How won’t she when she finally gets a chance to be away from you ,to make out with Jungwoo. They were together, touching each other, caressing and making love, when you accidently peeked into one of the closed rooms of the party house. You definitely weren’t expecting to see them together like that.
Without thinking , you ran back to your apartment. Shutting your door, you started scribbling in your journal. You were angry at what you saw. You were jealous of Yuqi. You didn’t like what you saw. But you were helpless. Feeling emotions for your best friend’s boyfriend wasn’t the most noble deed in this universe. Yet there you were, angrily scribbling curses at the couple, in your journal, as hot tears streamed down your cheeks. It stained the inked page and you cried and cried and cried until you had no more tears left to shed. And once you felt your emotions taking off, you swiftly tore the page of your journal- regretting the thoughts you had written down in anger.
Yuqi was your best friend. She was there for you when no one was there. And it was immoral to lust for her boyfriend, regardless of how much you loved him. Cause you knew, unlike the silk shirt, black stilettos ,ink pens and extra shirt, this wasn’t something you could borrow from Yuqi. You could never have Jungwoo.No Matter how much you wanted him.
*
*
Your date with Jaehyun went futile, just as you expected it to be. It surprised you how you had accepted to go on a date with him not once or twice, but three damn times!You took off your cardigan and threw it on the couch. It wasn’t the dashing business major’s fault that your dates were no more lively than funerals. You just couldn’t find yourself emotionally prepared to display any sort of affection to him, be it holding hands while watching a movie or whipping off the ice cream from his face. You weren’t exactly a Juliet to his Romeo; unlike Yuqi who became a maestro on 'how to keep your dates alive’, you struggled with finding intimacy.
Last year of university wasn’t as tough as the previous one. That left Yuqi with plenty of time to go on fancy yet impulsive dates. And every Saturday night when she returned from her outings with her significant other, she was either drunk from six shots of Vodka or from love. The former was tolerable for you, but the later wasn’t. That day wasn’t any different. Jungwoo dropped Yuqi off in front of the apartment. He looked breathtaking as ever in that grey and white shirt ,as you saw him drive away.And your friend busted into the room with a minute or two, telling you how much she enjoyed her date. Your ears bled as Yuqi elaborated the events of the evening to you. For someone who spent four years living under the same roof with Yuqi, you were habitual to her rant;but this topic- the topic about her dates weren’t encouraged by you. Yes, you had taught yourself to become more tolerable now,but the stingy feeling still hits when you see your best friend stealing kisses from her boyfriend as they walk on the campus. And when they nestled close to each other trying to stay under the same umbrella. When they stare at each other as if their significant other was the one who personal put all the stars in the sky.And when they-
you could go on about how things still hurt. But you weren’t keen on opening old wounds.
“How was your date with Jaehyun?” Yuqi finally asked after she finished explaining her long drive date to you. You smiled,replying how much you loved Jaehyun. A lie.
“That’s….that’s nice.” Yuqi said, raising an eyebrow.You wondered if she had found out about the displeasure you had for Jaehyun. “what!” you asked her when she hadn’t stopped staring right into your soul.
“You do like Jaehyun , right? I mean, I hope I didn’t set you up with the wrong person. He’s romantic and I thought you loved such men-
"It’s fine Yu.” You lied through your teeth. “Jaehyun is the perfect man of my dreams.” No he wasn’t. “And yes, he is very very romantic. He makes me blush often.” Not as much as Jungwoo ever did. “I really love jaehyun. Don’t worry. You set me up with the perfect man.” You wished yuqi won’t see through your teary eyes.
*
*
Jungwoo proposed. Inside the old country white marble pavilion, under the night sky as the stars twinkled , giving their blessing to the lord couple. It was a surprise. And Yuqi said yes,kissing him on his lips, as he twirled her around.The ring was obviously worth millions.It was a Kim Family heirloom, you heard.
That’s how that night went. That silent night which you had expected to be a simple lakeside party hosted by Yuqi’s parents where you were invited, turned into a dreadful one; one in which you had to witness the pathetic sight of a marriage proposal.
While the newly engaged couple smiled till their cheeks were red, your hands were red from a glass of wine and blood. In the anger of the moment, you had crushed the glass a little too tightly, causing it to break into pieces.Fortunately , the waiter helped you out and you didn’t cause a scene.
You just wanted to escape this suffocating reality as soon as possible. You made an excuse and drove back home in your old car.
“That’s what you get for being poor! For being a loser!” you muttered under your breath as you blasted the old hit from 10s in your stereo. But you didn’t know, no voice is stronger than your conscience. No noise can silence your pain.
You decided to cry out the pain with a bottle of vodka in your house. Since Yuqi moved out of the apartment after graduation, you had it all to yourself. You stripped out of your dress, laying down naked on the dirty carpet with alcohol. You emptied out the vodka bottle on your bare body. You were drenched in it, as the liquid dripped down your back and your calves.
Drink . Drink . Drink.
Drink and forget.
Forget that Kim Jungwoo isn’t yours!
*
*
Months went by as you saw the seasons changing from spring to autumn. And before you knew, it was winter. The potted flowers on your apartment’s window sill were still droopy, a clear indication that you don’t water them frequently. You were so occupied with your job now-a-days, often forgetting about your own hygiene and health that watering the flowers was the last thing on your mind. You started working as a teaching assistant at your university , along with managing your PHD. It paid you well atleast. Enough to pay the apartment rent and to get you a second hand car. You were amused at the very fact that you decided to buy a car out of impulse when you haven’t gone outside in months (other than for necessary work) and clearly don’t need it.The only time you actually stepped out of the house is for a monthly date with Jaehyun. He was more occupied with his life as a young executive director of a publishing company that he hardly pleaded with you to meet everyday or go on frequent dates. You liked it that way. Jaehyun just wanted to have a girlfriend for namesake. And that namesake being you.
You even stopped visiting Yuqi every weekend after her engagement. Obviously making excuses to get away. But Yuqi was so preoccupied with planning her Tuscany wedding that she hardly noticed your absence from her life. You had come to terms with reality. It was hard. No, horrible. But you did. And it was enough for you to get through the day. You can now talk with Jungwoo without having a palpitation or your heart burning. And that was something.
Tiana’s cafe- at 7- i’ll pick you up
That’s what the text read from the person named ‘Mr Jeong’. You decided to get along,even taking the effort to pull out a clean cardigan from your wardrobe.You won’t need the car even today, you sighed.
*
*
"I have to go.” That’s the only thing Jaehyun said as he dashed out of the café, grabbing his coat. Your eyes followed his figure until you saw him get lost in the crowd outside the shop. You sighed and paid the waiter for two cups of latte, tipping them extra as an apology for the drama that your date and his ex-girlfriend had caused a few minutes ago. The waiter was kind enough to provide you with two words of reassurance. Being frank, Jaehyun running after his previous love didn’t hurt your heart at all, even though the whole café watched it happen.
You walked out, as the streetlight shone directly on your figure, even when you were trying to mingle into the crowd. Saturday nights always welcomed hundreds of tourists and shoppers to the city’s party hub. You were no different. You had hoped for a simple date with Jaehyun at the café, followed by maybe crashing at either of your houses. But it didn’t turn out the way you expected.
The city lights blinded the night sky, making it hard for you to see the stars. You looked straight ahead, about to cross the street when the traffic lights would turn in your favour. You jolted as you felt someone tap on your shoulder. Turning back you saw the face, a coy look on the warm face. It was Kim Jungwoo.
“You are looking for Jaehyun? He’s your date right?” He asked. “I saw him walk towards there-” he pointed towards your right. He kept on motioning there until he realized you didn’t even look where he was pointing. You walked along the crowd as the traffic stopped, crossing the road. Jungwoo tagged behind. “You are alone then?”
“no. I was on a date.” You sharply replied back, paying no heed to the man next to you.
“It ended already?”
“well he ended it.” you said as a matter of fact. Anyone who heard this would definitely think how sad and heartbroken you were that jaehyun left you in the middle of your date.
“oh , I’m sorry to hear that- I thought everything was going good between-”
“nah. It’s okay. We weren’t even close to begin with." you replied to the man. You didn’t want to worry him more, and ofcourse, wanted to get away from him. Was it the irony of the night- showing you how you can neither keep a date, nor can you ever get the man you love.
Jungwoo followed you through the crowd."Why?what happened though?”
You glanced at him for a second, and turned back towards the pavement, staring at the tiles. You didn’t even like the idea of him confronting you, especially since he wasn’t exactly a 'friend’. But maybe he felt obliged to help you. Afterall , you were the best friend of his fiance. And you felt obliged to answer him. Cause he wasn’t your unrequited love, but your best friend’s fiance.
“It seemed like Jaehyun was in this relationship half heartedly. An attempt to get over his ex girlfriend. And it seemed like seeing her suddenly at the café today, Jaehyun had the realisation to set things right. He went back to her. And here I am! All single for the night.” you threw your head back, laughing, as if you cracked a joke.
Unlike you,Jungwoo couldn’t laugh at this scenario. Muttering how sorry he was for you, he said, “isn’t it sad how people make relations to get away from relations.”
You lowered your pace as you thought about it, “if it’s about me and jaehyun, don’t worry over it. It isn’t his fault alone. The only reason I was with him was to get over my past love.” it was then you realised what you blurted out.
Jungwoo once again spoke, “is that so?”
You were caught speechless.
An awkward silence engulfed both of you, as you walked without stopping, while he didn’t leave your side. It wasn’t until you were in front of a pub you said , “I guess I’ll have a drink or two. Perfect night to waste away drinking.” And Jungwoo followed you inside too. Though you wanted to confront him why he was tagging you all the way from outside the café to the pub, you didn’t. You longed for a company right now, and you definitely didn’t mind him.
**
It was around midnight when you finally made an exit from the pub. Few glasses in and you were totally wasted. It was a miracle how you were even standing. Jungwoo was helping you get out of the pub, as you complained, more like shouting at random customers. Tripping on your way a few times here and there, you clung onto Jungwoo’s shirt.
“You can’t walk in them.” He said pointing at your stilettos after sighing at the bill for the drinks you had, that he had to pay all by himself.
“Do you mind?” you asked, moodily stomping away. He jogged to catch up with you.“Let’s get a taxi, okay.” he said, firmly grabbing your wrist so you wont run away.
“I don’t want a taxi!” you yelled right under his ears, making him flinch.
Knowing your hard to tame attitude while being drunk, he ended up deciding it was best to walk to your apartment. Walking might help a bit in calming down your nerves, he mentioned as he braced himself to walk kilometres to your house.
Other than your usual complaints and remarks, and Jungwoo’s cross remarks, there wasn’t much conversation.It was odd how even after knowing each other for years, neither of you were even friends. But how can you be, you never wanted him to be just a friend, did you?
It was then he asked, “you were saying you wanted to get away from your past relationship, that’s why you got up with jaehyun. I never knew you dated someone before jaehyun. I might be mistaken-”
“shhh!” you kept a finger on your lips. “I don’t want to hear anything about Jung Jaehyun tonight! It’s the last night I’ll be his girlfriend cause tomorrow morning I’ll get a text saying he dumped me.” you chuckled, as you playfully hit Jungwoo.
“He won’t do that!” Jungwoo emphasised. “Jaehyun is more respectful than that.” He was optimistic. Something you weren’t.
“Oh really! Jung Jaehyun was never respectful. That dirty- ” You looked at Jungwoo , your eyes swirling as you saw him, “do you mind me cursing? Of Course you don’t! Who are you to stop me anyways! It isn’t like you ever cared.”
Tch. You hated Kim Jungwoo as much as you hate Jung Jaehyun right now.
But you never loved Jaehyun as much as you loved Jungwoo. And that thought itself was enough to sober you up.
And yet again, both of you walked in silence, under the city sky. You wished it would snow right now. It’s always beautiful to see the first snow of the season with someone you love.
“It wasn’t a boyfriend okay!” you told Jungwoo. “some unknown ex wasn’t the reason I got up with Jaehyun.”
Jungwoo didn’t question you on that. And that relieved you.
“seems like not everyone is as pure as it looks on the surface.” he remarked.
You turned to him, trying to understand what he meant, but your mind was already in haywire to process any information straight.
“No one’s pure, okay! New relationship to satisfy the broken heart from the old one! Fake relations! Falling out of all! I’m sure even you would have done that before!” You sneered .
“yes I did.”
You stared at him for a few seconds, stopping on your tracks. “who?” A part of you realised where this was getting to. He wasn’t exactly wearing a happy face right now. And another part of you didn’t want to hear that answer.
“Yuqi.”
You felt a snake creep into your heart. Why were you feeling heartbroken when your unrequited love admitted not to love your best friend anymore! Why is pain the emotion that you felt for Yuqi at that moment?
“why?” your eyes softening, as the effect of alcohol seems to slow down on you.
Jungwoo started walking again, and you tailed behind, pestering him with why, where, how, why, why and why. He didn’t answer any of them. This drama kept on going until you reached the foot of your apartment. “You have the keys right?” he asked you.
“I don’t care about the keys! Tell me, DO YOU HATE YUQI NOW!” you yelled, frustrated by his lack of response towards you. He wrapped his hands over your mouth, asking you to be quiet and not attract attention from the crowd.
“tell me and I’ll be quite!” you hissed as he slowly removed his hands from your mouth when you started biting him.
Jungwoo thought for a moment. And finally, after recollecting his ideas, he replied, “to be honest I love Yuqi. I still do . But maybe not the way I did before.”
“why?”
“Didn’t you ever notice?” he questioned you, “My family liked her. They really wanted me to be with her. And I didn’t want to go against the wishes of my mother and sister.To be honest, I loved her too,Yuqi. But not as much as to be engaged to her. Or to be married to her.”
A spark ignited in your heart. Your morals were unable to realise whether your best friend’s broken relationship was a good news for you or a bad one.But the man whom you loved once was standing right in front of you.
“You don’t love her then? You want to break up with her?"You questioned him.
"I don’t know.” He answered.
And you didn’t spend anymore time pondering over it. Immediately jumping on your toes, you’re bent towards the man ,pulling him by the collar of his jacket.
“why are you like this!” you spat on his face. You just wanted his chapped lips to crash onto yours and forget that you weren’t meant to hold his face so close to yours. You weren’t meant to tip toe closer to his body until the gap closed and you blended into him. But there you were. For four years ,you longed for Kim Jungwoo to hold you closer to him, like how he held Yuqi; to shower you with kisses after a hard day, to lock your hand in his as you walked quietly through the streets at night. And here he was today, standing there in front of you, blurting out a confession that could put an end to your best friend’s relationship. “I love you Jungwoo. A lot.” you said, engrossed in this drunken confession. “and for once ,let me not feel guilty for what I’m doing.” You begged, before you closed your eyes. This wasn’t your first kiss, but it felt like it.
Your mind wasn’t ready to sober up just yet as you melted in the kiss.
*
*
Withered flowers are always beautiful