Chapter Text
playground matrimony
as a teen, shisui uchiha would say that he had two goals in mind:
one was to become a world renowned detective amongst the ranks of the nation’s police force
— and two was to become the ultimate chick magnet .
so when the opportunity came wherein he had to babysit his younger cousin and accompany him to the neighborhood playground, he thought that it would probably help him score some if he showed off that he was ehem, daddy material.
unfortunately, any at all babysitters his age probably had their day off as the only women within the vicinity were old ladies, mothers, and grandmothers.
in other words, totally not his type.
his little cousin fortunately had enough sense to bolt at the sight of them, as he knew nothing good could come out of being around gushy older women especially if he thought about just how annoying the cheek pinching female population was.
this left shisui to his own devices— alone and completely bored out of his mind.
with a sigh, he decided to sit on a vacant park bench and evaluated his options. his arms were perched upon its recline as he immersed himself in heavy contemplation. the situation took a damper to his plans. he started to regret ever agreeing (nay getting manipulated!) into playing chaperone for his grumpy little cousin who hated his guts in the first place.
speaking of the small gremlin that he was supposed to take care of, he scanned the grounds for the chicken headed little midget, knowing full well that his aunt mikoto would have his head if he ever lost track of him.
it took him a while to find his familiar spiky head at the swings.
much to his surprise, his cousin had been pushing some random girl with pink hair up high in the air.
shisui raised a brow at the sight.
was his cousin actually having fun?
his cousin never played nice with anyone in the playground. shisui blamed it on the stick up his butt that he inherited from his uncle. emotional constipation was a trait passed on in his family, it seemed, and he was all the more thankful that it never made it to himself— his cousin, however, was a different case.
the girl on the swings was giggling at a higher pitch as sasuke pushed her further and further. her laughter probably motivated his cousin to keep going, yet shisui noticed that he was meticulous enough to make sure that he never pushed her hard enough to make her fall.
shisui had to admit they looked cute.
— that and his cousin definitely had a small crush.
he grumbled to himself and lamented because even his seven-year-old cousin had more game than him.
this was not what he went to the park for. he did not come here to be infuriatingly bored and shown up by his younger cousin and his bubblegum-hair-colored girlfriend and—
an idea struck him then.
a devious smirk made its way to the corners of his mouth as he decided that he might as well have fun while he was here.
it was always fun to mess with his devil cousin anyway.
he approached the innocent pair in a nonchalant manner, ignoring the accusatory glare sasuke was giving him.
“what are you doing here?”
“tsk, tsk, tsk, sasu-chan,” shisui clicked, “is this why you wanted to go to the playground? because you have a girlfriend?”
sasuke froze and shisui saw his small companion turn as red as the ribbon that decorated her head.
it wasn’t long until his cousin turned the same color, and true enough, in his own sasuke-like manner he emitted one high pitched, “shut up!”
shisui had to roll his eyes at the obvious non-denial.
his cousin had it bad.
“anyways,” he brushed off, “aren’t you bored of this place? don’t you have those new video games that grandpa madara sent over?”
sasuke frowned. “sakura isn’t allowed to go home with us.”
shisui faced the young girl in question for the first time and regarded her. innocent large green eyes stared back at him and shisui had an inkling that this was one of the features that had his cousin fall putty in the girl's hands without him knowing, “are your parents around?”
“they’re over there,” she pointed.
over there was a couple cleaning up their picnic table, loading and stacking boxes of used empty tupperware.
“leave it to me.” he gave the two a pat on the head then sauntered off to make his way towards the brightly colored couple.
it was time for him to lay on his charm. it really was fortunate that he was the more social one in his family otherwise he couldn't imagine fugaku ever being friendly.
“good afternoon!” he chirped, “are you two by any chance sakura’s parents?”
the blonde woman took to him kindly and smiled. “why yes, we are.”
“my name’s shisui uchiha and-”
“oh you must be related to sasuke!” the woman realised, “he and sakura have been attached to the hip since they met a few weeks ago. they’re such an adorable pair.”
“they absolutely are,” he agreed, “my baby cousin doesn’t get along much with kids his age and i was wondering if i could ask for a favor on behalf of him.”
“and what would that be?”
“sasuke wants to spend more time with your daughter,” shisui explained, “he has these new games he wants to show off and he would like sakura to keep him company.”
sakura’s mother barely gave it a thought. “oh, that would be fine. of course we can stay awhile.”
shisui scratched the back of his head and smiled sheepishly. “about that, uhm, you see they’re at the uchiha main house. would it be alright if sakura sleeps over at sasuke’s home?”
the woman’s forehead creased with worry. “wouldn’t that be intrusive of us?”
“oh it’s no problem at all. i can assure you that my aunt would be thrilled. i can give you their address and contact details. you can pick sakura up bright and early tomorrow afternoon too.”
the married couple engaged themselves in a silent conversation amongst themselves despite shisui's presence. after a few short minutes of discussion, the idea seemed to be in good prospects. “she does enjoy her time with sasuke. and she’s so shy. it would do her well to spend more time with people her age. i suppose we could allow it.”
shisui grinned in accomplishment, “thank you so much! i’ll tell the two of them the good news.” he then scribbled his aunt’s contact details on a sheet of paper and went off to the pair of tykes staring at him from the swing set.
now it was time to ruffle up his cousin’s chicken butt feathers.
he strode back to them with a smug triumphant grin. “you can thank me later.”
sakura looked at him in awe. “i can go with sasuke-kun?”
shisui nodded and the two nearly bubbled up with joy.
he let them enjoy the first five minutes then chose to break it up giving out a fake exaggerated sigh. “there is but one condition though.”
this snapped the two out of it immediately.
sasuke narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously. “what is it?”
shisui couldn't contain his smirk.
“you two have to get married.”
two small heads tilted to the side confusedly. “huh?”
“in order for sakura to sleep over, you have to get married. it’s the rules.”
“so being married means getting to sleep over another person’s house?”
“yes.”
“is it forever?”
“pretty much.”
“can i do it with other friends too? like i could marry ino so i can stay over at her place?”
“nuh uh. you can only ever marry one person.”
the two were quiet for awhile as they tried to process shisui’s false sense of marriage. sasuke though, looked determined and eventually nodded in affirmation of the idea.
“fine. how do we get married?”
“through me.”
putting himself at work, shisui grabbed a fist full of flowers from the grass and gave it to the small girl then led them to the arch of the monkey bars.
sasuke stared at the flowers in sakura’s hands, then at the arch, then at his cousin. “this is how you get married?”
shisui shrugged. “do you guys want a sleepover or not?”
both children looked skeptical about the whole ordeal however shrugged as well.
“fine.”
“i will now commence the ceremony.” shisui cleared his throat. “we are gathered here today in playground matrimony to witness the bond shared by sasuke and sakura.”
shisui assessed the pair he was about to faux wed. his cousin was pouting with his arms crossed in front of him while his bride was fidgeting and looking anywhere but him.
nuh uh. not acceptable.
shisui nudged his cousin and gestured at sakura’s free hand. “twerp, hold her hand.”
sasuke looked at him alarmed. “what?”
“just do it!”
“i hate you.”
his cousin tried to play it cool but shisui saw the tips of his ears turn red so he knew that he wasn’t that slick. still, satisfied at the gesture, he proceeded.
“do you sasuke take sakura to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“hn.”
shisui glowered at his response. “i know that’s a yes,” he then faced the girl. “do you sakura take sasuke to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
she nodded.
“by the power vested in me by the will of fire of konoha, i now pronounce you husband and wife.”
the pair sighed in relief and was just about to unclasp their hands until--
“you may now kiss the bride.”
“no!"
“yeah, shisui-san. we might get cooties.”
shisui gave them a stern look. “do you want to sleepover or not?”
his cousin looked ready to throw a tantrum until sakura snuck a quick kiss on his cheek.
whatever insult sasuke was about to tell shisui died at his tongue. now the two looked about the color of sasuke's favorite tomatoes.
finally, shisui could lounge around at home instead of playing priest slash chaperone for these false newly weds.
“now that that’s settled. i’ll treat you guys to ice cream then you guys can go home.”
as they were walking towards the parked ice cream truck, shisui didn't fail to notice that the two had never stopped holding hands.
maybe sasuke would thank him one day, he thought. afterall, with his attitude he’d probably never find a girl who’s willing enough to deal with his temperament.
with that in mind, shisui was simply securing the uchiha clan’s future.
and boy, did his cousin's future look pink.
“you married two seven year-old’s.”
“i was bored."
"i can't believe you pretended to be a priest when you're the least celibate."
"i was helping your brother secure the clan's future!"