Chapter Text
Jinsol feels the beat more than she hears it. Haseul’s practically stomping on her bass drum pedal, and the vibration is like a pile driver in her chest. She couldn’t miss it if she tried. She nods her head to the pounding, fingers sliding across the keys of her keyboard in a way that’s so instinctual if she thinks about it she’ll screw up. So she doesn’t, letting her eyes slide over the rest of the band.
Jungeun’s bright golden hair is nearly blinding under the stage lights. It makes her look like a goddess. Even more so than usual. She must feel Jinsol’s gaze on her, because she turns to look back at Jinsol, shooting a smile. It feels a lot more like a stab to the heart as Jungeun turns back to the front, eyes settling on Jiwoo. Jinsol can’t ignore the happiness with which Jungeun looks at Jiwoo. They make each other more than happy. They make each other complete. Jinsol was never going to compete with that. She knew better than to try. She tears her eyes away.
Vivi is playing with the crowd, nodding her head exaggeratedly as a girl in the audience reaches towards her, nearly shaking in excitement as Vivi gives her a spare pick. She’d always been good at that, being coy. Only Haseul ever knew exactly where Vivi stood unless Vivi deemed it important for you to know. Jinsol respected that. She’d never been able to wear her heart anywhere but her sleeve.
Jinsol’s eyes slide over to Jiwoo. Of course they do. Jiwoo just had that effect on people. She is spectacular as she screeches into her microphone, leaning over the crowd. One of her feet is on a stage monitor and the security guard near her looks like he’s just waiting for an accident to happen. It won’t. Jinsol knows Jiwoo’s smart about her performances. Her wild persona is just that. A persona. It’s all so very Libra of her if Jinsol remembers her astrology correctly.
Finally, she settles on Sooyoung. She’s cut her hair in their time apart, transforming from one kind of untouchable to another. They’d known each other for years, and Jinsol still doesn’t exactly know who Sooyoung is. It’s partly her fault. She’d always been closest to Haseul and Jungeun. Sooyoung had been a founding member too, but, thinking back, Jinsol can’t remember ever having been completely alone with her. Well, not until right at the end, at least.
Jiwoo wails the last chorus and Jinsol plays out the outro of their encore, letting the lights dim on her before she stops playing, a superstition she’s somehow retained over their years apart. It also gives the others a head start on packing up. Jungeun especially refused to let the roadies touch her things, calling her bass her baby. Jinsol had never been protective over the keyboards she’d take on the road, only of her old Korg still in a box somewhere in her new apartment.
She gets up as the cheering starts to wane, and walks to the front of the stage, picking up the couple of gifts that the crowd had delivered to the front, smiling and greeting the eager fans who still stayed pressed to the barricade. She grabs a twenty-something’s phone and snaps a selfie before handing it back. She waves one more time before making her way off stage.
She can feel her shoulders tense as soon as she steps into their dressing room. Sooyoung is already packed, shrugging on her coat as Jinsol enters. Jinsol idly wonders why she’d even come back when she’d always disappear right after every show, returning sometime early the next morning before they’d get on the road again, never bothering to hide her fresh hickeys.
Haseul eyes Sooyoung. “Make sure you’re back for the bus. Tomorrow 6 am.” Haseul doesn’t even bother to keep the tiredness out of her voice. Jinsol can’t tell if it’s exhaustion from the performance or from the dismissive way Sooyoung grunts and slips out the back, into a small crowd of fans that swallow her instantly.
Jinsol sneers after Sooyoung. “She clearly doesn’t care about the band, you know,” she says to Haseul. “She doesn’t stick around for the tour meetings and shows up to the shows drunk. It would be better to just drop her at this point.”
“Jinsol.” There’s a warning in Haseul’s voice. Jinsol can feel Jungeun’s eyes on her. She flushes but resists looking over at her. Haseul tosses her jacket over the back of the sofa and slumps down onto it. Vivi lays down, resting her head on Haseul’s lap.
Jinsol opens her mouth to retort, but Haseul raises her hand, signaling the end of the conversation.
“I’m serious, Jinsol.” She gives Jinsol a final look before clapping her hands to get the attention of Jungeun and Jiwoo, who are canoodling in the other corner, Jungeun leaning into Jiwoo’s space.
They join the meeting space that Haseul has set up by dragging a few of the folding chairs over to the sofa. Jiwoo turns her chair around, swinging her leg over the seat, so she can lean forward into the back of the chair.
Jinsol lets herself calm down, pulling her chair forward to sit.
“I’ll go first.” Jiwoo says. “I think we did well. Vivi almost made a girl pass out, which was pretty funny, plus Jinsol’s solo was really nice this time around. I need to pull back on the high notes. Maybe drop our first song from our set for tomorrow? I can’t sustain that note.”
Haseul nods, writing it down. “Okay, noted. I need to stretch the ol’ wrists better for tomorrow. I'll definitely warm up better. Very close to overdoing it. Sooyoung, who is not here, did well, but I’ll talk to her about stage presence. She was a little absent tonight.”
“Literally absent tonight,” Jinsol mutters. Haseul shoots her a look, so Jinsol avoids her eyes, looking instead at Jungeun. “Jungeun and Jiwoo knocked it out of the park tonight. The fans went crazy over the chemistry. I think you could get away with playing it up a little more. I’ll work on being more present during shows. I got distracted tonight.”
They go on like this until Haseul calls it a night, shooing them all out so that she and Vivi can “just finish cleaning up!” Jinsol wrinkles her nose. It’s not like it’s a secret that Haseul and Vivi try their best to christen every dressing room they stay in.
Jinsol stands on the corner with Jungeun and Jiwoo as they wait for a cab. They're bundled together in the cold while Jinsol shoves her hands deeper in her pockets, wishing she'd brought a better coat. When Jungeun finally flags one down, Jiwoo turns to Jinsol. “You getting in?”
Jinsol considers it for a moment and then looks at the way Jiwoo's fingers are laced into Jungeun's. “I think I'm gonna go on a quick walk.” She shoots them her signature crooked smile and knows it does not come across as casually as she'd like when Jiwoo gives her a look that Jinsol knows too well. It's half-pitying. Jinsol tries to wave her off casually. She isn't in the business of upsetting Jiwoo. Only a monster would do that. “Very quick. There's a pizza place we passed on the way here.”
That seems to satisfy Jiwoo, and Jinsol doesn't know how to feel about having gotten better at lying to her. She wishes she'd been able to fool her years back when she'd asked about Jungeun. It'd have saved her the humiliation of having an audience to her heartbreak.
The cab drives off and Jinsol waves after them before turning the corner to wander. Her fingers itch for a cigarette. She hasn't wanted to smoke in years.
Jinsol gets back to the apartment a few hours later. She’d stopped into a bar, and couldn’t even get the bartender’s attention over the gaggle of pretty college girls on the other side of the bar. She’d settled for the dismissive rum and coke he’d poured for her. Even the familiar taste of her trusted cocktail (one she’d not strayed from since her first year of college) couldn’t loosen the knots in her shoulders. She’d left him a nice tip anyway. Why not? She hadn’t wanted his attention anyway.
She’d wandered around the neighborhood for an hour afterward, pondering breaking down and buying a pack of cigarettes, but deciding against it when she thought about the possibility of falling back into smoking and having to ask Sooyoung for her lighter at some point. She’d gotten her own cab back after that.
She strips on her way to the bed, unceremoniously peeling back the duvet and crawling into bed, setting her alarm for 5:30.