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Frantic knocking broke the normal silence of the farm house. The dogs not accustomed to visitors at such a late hour start to bark and dance in circles around the front door. Y/n peaks her head out of her office apprehensively. She had not been expecting a visitor and considering how far out she lived they don’t often happen by accident.
Slowly she steps in the dark hallway that leads to the front door. Her hand reassuringly rests on the gun holstered at the small of her back. Raising her other hand she points to the dogs to get behind her as she walks closer. After what felt like an eternity Y/n reaches the rattling door. Carefully she moves the curtain covering the small window and is immediately surprised by what she sees.
There on her front porch looking like he hadn't seen the comfort of a bed in over a week stood Sam Winchester. He was alone which somehow made the usually huge man look small and lost. Sam shuffled his feet looking around him like someone had been chasing him.
Quickly she unlocks and opens the door to great the lone hunter.
It was always a welcome surprise to see a Winchester gracing her front door but she would be lying if she didn’t admit that she always was a little bit more excited to see Sam.
“ Well this is a surprise!” She chirped. Sam shifted uneasily in the threshold before speaking in a quick desperate voice.
“I need a place to crash”
Taken aback at his tone and concerned he might be in trouble Y/n quickly step to the side to allow him entry into her home. Before closing he door behind them she gave her silent front yard a quick glance. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary she closes the door locking it back tight.
“Come on in. Penny for your thoughts?” She gestures for him to go into the kitchen.
She seats herself at the kitchen table while Sam remains standing in the middle of her half lit kitchen. Y/N could tell something was really wrong now. He was practically vibrating standing in front of her. From the moment he walked in the house he was jumpy. Every little sound in the house made him twitch. She could tell he was trying to hide his reactions but was doing a truly terrible job of it.
He looked like he was about to crawl out of his skin.
If all that wasn’t enough to make Y/n worry the fact that he had refused to make any eye contact with her since entering the house set warning bells off in her head. He kept his gaze downcast. He would not move his eyes from the worn kitchen table that she sat at. If he stared any harder she worried he would burn a hole in it.
She waited for him to start the conversation but after two minutes of him continuously staring at the swirling wood grain of her table she lost her patience and broke the silence.
“Sam look at me.” She demanded in a quite but firm voice. Without any indication that he had heard her speak Sam continued to stand towering in her kitchen. Still twitching. Still avoiding her gaze. After another full minute of her waiting for him to comply to her command he slowly raises his head and meets her eyes. What she saw in his eyes shocked her. His normally beautifully swirled green eyes were now almost completely black.
“You’re high” She blurted out. It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t an accusation. It was a fact.
At her statement he quickly drops his gaze back down to the table that he still loomed over.
She can feel the shame radiating off of him in waves.
Y/n couldn’t help but wonder if Sam had a drug problem that she didn’t know about. It had never come up during their hunts and as long as neither of the boys we’re high when they were supposed to be watching her back she didn’t care what they did in their free time. Hunting was a hard life. Whatever it takes to cope.
Breaking the silence again she gently asks
‘Do you want to talk about it?”
He kicks at the floor with his toe thinking the question over.
“No. Yes. I don’t know what to say.” Even his speech was jumpy. Every word was clipped and sharp.
She lets out a tired sigh,
“Lets start with why you came here?”
No answer.
“Why not go to Dean?”
He stiffened slightly at the question but still no answer.
“He’s no saint I’m sure he’s had his fair share of Whiskey and Coke fueled weekend.”
In a sudden movement that makes her jump he pulls the chair out from the other side of the table and drops down into it. His body sags inward. He appeared to be trying to make himself smaller which was imposable considering how far his legs reached under the table.
“ This is different. He won’t understand.”
“ Don’t know if I do either.” She tried to sound comforting and encouraging in hopes that he would finally explain whats going on. He rakes his hands over his face and into his hair mussing it as he did so. Brimming with energy he starts bouncing one of his legs. He appeared to be practically overflowing with excess energy. Yet he still looked like he could sleep for a week. Whatever he was on he was coming down and he was coming down hard.
“ I didn’t mean to do it. I’ve been strong. I wasn’t going to give in. But this girl…” He took a shaking deep breath. There is always a girl she thought bitterly. He continued pleadingly.” I just need Dean to know I didn’t have a choice. If I hadn’t she would have died. Haven’t enough people died? Haven’t enough people died because of ME!”
His voiced raised suddenly and he threw himself forward to grab her clasped hands. She did her best not to flinch away. Its not that she was afraid of him but its hard to override her natural instinct to jump at sudden movements. She started to feel jumpy herself. It was almost like his touch transferred some of his fizzing energy.
He locked his unwaveringly eyes on her wide eyes. She didn’t think it was possible but some how his eyes were even blacker now. She squeezed his hands gently as she spoke softly,
“ Sammy so many people have lived because of YOU.” Her eyes were starting to brim with tears looking at the desperation on his face. “ Do you want me to call Dean to come get you?”
“No!” he practically shouted. “ He won’t understand. He’ll lock me in the panic room again. I can’t go in there again. I don’t want to be alone again.”
Tears start to roll down her face just as she sees one roll down his. Gently she gives him a reassuring pat on the hand. Clearing her throat of the tears she croaked out,
“Okay okay. I promise you won’t be alone. I won’t call Dean.” He instantly drops his head in relief. “ But you have to tell me what you took.”
At that he slowly extracts his hands from hers and folds back into himself breaking his wild eye contact. He doesn’t say anything for a long time as she waits to hear what he’s put into his body. He mutters something under his breath that she doesn’t quite hear before he’s repeating it again.
“It makes me stronger. It gives me strength that you cant even imagine.”
Her heart broke thinking of the wonderful and strong Sam Winchester not thinking he was strong enough without whatever drug he was taking.
“ You don’t need a drug to make you strong. You are the strongest person I know.”
“ You won’t think that when I tell you what I’m on. You’ll be disgusted. Dean was…I am.”
He picks his gaze up again wanting to look at her open caring face one more time before he ruined it with the truth.
“Demon Blood. I drink demon blood.” Y/n’s eyes widen in shock and she lets out a little gasp of surprise. Frozen to her chair she didn’t know what to say except,
“Why?”
He abruptly pushes to his feet and paces her kitchen. If it hadn’t been such a serious moment she would have laughed. It took him three strides to walk across her kitchen. Three strides, turn. Three strides, turn.
While he paces he raked his hair aggressively through his hair mussing it even more than it already was. He was becoming more agitated. More irritable.
“ Like I said it makes me strong! It give me powers.” He stops his pacing and turns with his hands in the air “ I can remove demons without an exorcism for christ sake!”
At that Y/n’s jaw drops in astonishment. He can remove demons. Without a long winded incantation. She understood the allure. Especially for Sam who has only ever wanted to help people.
“Is that what happened tonight? The girl… was she possessed?”
His body sagged again. His energy levels were all over the place. Demon blood was a hard come down.
“ Yes…but I couldn’t save her. I’ve been clean for to long. I’m out of shape.”
Slowly as not to startle him she got up from her seat and moved towards him.
“Sam its not your fault. You have no idea what damage that demon had caused her body. You can’t blame yourself or your sobriety.”
As she moved closer she could tell he was becoming unstable on his feet and a light sheen of sweat was starting to appear on his forehead. Grabbing his shoulders she steadied the swaying man.
“But if I can be doing more to help people shouldn’t I? No matter what?” He asked pleadingly.
Tightening her grip on one shoulder she moves her other hand to his now clammy face. She directs him to look at her. She was relieves to see that his pupils were starting to recede. The black was slowly being replaced by his rich green. After a long moment of looking into his tired but still lovely face she replied,
“No. Nothing that puts you in jeopardy is worth it.” stroking his feverish cheek with her thumb she continues, “ The world is a better and safer place with Sam Winchester in it.”
She isn’t sure if it is the hard come down from the blood that makes him drop to his knees or her words but before she knew it Sam Winchester was on his knees in front of her gripping her torso firmly to himself.
He had his face firmly pressed into her body with steel arms wrapped around her middle keeping them tightly glued to each other. She wrapped her free arms around him in what she hoped was a comforting gesture. She couldn’t fight the impulse stroke his hair. After a few minutes of standing in this strange yet comforting position in her kitchen she heard him start to mumble something into her shirt. Not being able to hear what he was saying she gently tilted his head back so he was now looking up at her.
“What are you saying?”
He gulped as he looked up. Then very quietly he began to speak.
“Don’t leave me alone. Please Don’t leave me alone. I can’t come off of this by myself again.”
Her heart broke for the hundredth time that night at the thought of an emotionally fragile Sam sweating out the ‘Drug’ in Bobby Singer’s dank panic room at the behest of his brother.
Y/n gives him a watery smile and strokes his hair back from his damp forehead. She does her best to make her voice as strong as possible when declaring,
“Couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”