Chapter Text
Everything was quiet- the worst sort of quiet. Time blurred into itself, but that wasn’t entirely unusual. It tended to do that a lot these days, and Magnus had started to think of it as a subconscious survival tactic. He wasn’t sure when he’d stopped keeping track of time, but if he had to guess he would say that it had been the day of Alec’s death. He’d lost Alec on a rainy Wednesday morning, after an uneventful week of them doing what they did best: being in each other’s company, enjoying the normalcy and mundanity of everyday life that came easily with so many years of marriage. They’d had the best marriage, the most beautiful life together, and though Magnus had spent every second of every day since he’d first laid eyes on the man that would become his husband preparing for the day he would inevitably lose him, he’d been wholly unprepared for it when it had actually happened.
Now he stood in front of a large mirror and faced his own reflection, and a face he both recognized and didn't know at all stared back at him in mockery. Time had always stood still for him, but never quite like this, where it felt like his heart, his soul, his entire being, had stopped with it. He felt as though time had become entirely non-existent. He’d moved through the years following Alec’s death as a ghost of himself. He’d watched himself wither away in the newness of his solitude in a house that had begun to feel too big, with the endless reminders of all that he and Alec had shared surrounding him. He hadn’t left, even though he’d desperately wanted to. He’d stayed, because he couldn’t decide which was worse: remembering Alec, or forgetting him entirely.
He’d endured those years, silently breaking apart with each breath that he took, and he’d allowed himself to become oblivious to the passage of time. Occasionally he’d distracted himself with his friends and with his family. He’d visited Idris, where the Lightwood-Bane Manor had become the residence of his granddaughter, Elena, the newest Consul. He’d watched his great-grandchildren be raised as the newest generation of Shadowhunters, watched his family become one that Alec would be immensely proud of. And foolishly, he’d thought that having gone through this magnitude of a loss once would have made the second one easier.
And then Max had shown up on his doorstep one day, whispering the harrowing words that Magnus could still feel the crushing weight of: “You should come back. He doesn’t have much time left.”
Magnus had almost refused. He thought now that he should have.
That had been two weeks ago.
The Lightwood-Bane Manor was quiet in a way that it never was. A somber heaviness encroached on Magnus where he stood. The day of Rafael’s funeral brought with it a whole new kind of pain that Magnus had never even known existed. Losing his son was unlike anything he’d ever felt before, and he knew now that nothing could ever have made it any easier.
Time hadn’t stopped, he realized, staring at himself.
Time had not stopped. He had.
The world went on as it always did, as it always would, but he would not go on with it.
The Lightwood-Bane Manor was nestled into a clearing surrounded by towering trees all around it, at the far end of Alicante. There was a canal running along the side of the house, one that could be seen through the floor to ceiling windows of the living room. Magnus recognized the dark blue figure of his youngest son standing at the edge of it, staring out towards the city with his back to the house. Max had left the night Rafe had died, not telling anyone where he was going other than to say he needed to be away from the place where he’d seen his brother die. Magnus had understood and let him go without an argument, as much as it had hurt him to see Max in any type of distress. He felt like he should be doing more, but he didn’t even know how to begin piecing himself back together, much less for anyone else.
This house held fond memories for him. It had been an investment on his and Alec’s part, wanting a place that belonged to them during the years they had lived here, while Alec had been Consul. They’d seen their children grow up here, Rafael eventually starting his Shadowhunter training at the Academy and Max trailing behind Magnus as he tutored him in magic. Alec had presided over Idris as it became a better, more tolerant society, and Magnus had been equal parts pleased and genuinely surprised to see how far they’d come. Alec had worked tirelessly as Consul, and it showed. When they’d finally moved back to New York at the end of Alec’s term, and then to their villa in Cape Town for his retirement, Magnus, impossibly, had found himself actually missing parts of Idris.
The house was home to Elena now, the oldest of his two grandchildren, and Magnus was greeted by the sight of her sniffling softly, her face tucked into the neck of her husband sitting beside her. Antony’s hands came up around her, and he was not crying but his eyes were red around the corners. Magnus turned away from them, his heart feeling as though it were being strangled right through his chest. Their children, the twins, Ariana and Aaron were sitting on the couch opposite their parents. Ariana held a cup of what Magnus knew to be coffee tightly in her hands, her grip so strong that Magnus feared she might actually break it. She was staring down at it, looking up only briefly as Magnus entered to give him her best attempt at a smile. Aaron did not look at him- his eyes were closed and he was leaning slightly towards his parabatai, Antonio. Magnus had been staying at the Manor for the past two weeks and he had still not gotten used to the uncomfortable twinge of emotion he felt whenever he saw Aaron, who at seventeen looked so much like Rafael had at that age that Magnus had to constantly restrain himself from spiraling too far down the lane of those particular memories. He was not quite ready to put himself through that, and truthfully he couldn’t see how he would ever be ready.
The living room, however, was not Magnus’ intent. He walked through it as lightly as he could manage, feeling out of place in the Manor for the first time that he could remember. Damien, Elena’s brother, would show up soon with his own wife and children, and the rest of the Lightwood-Bane family, immediate and extended, would follow. Their friends would come too, and soon the Manor would be filled with all of the people that Magnus loved sans the newest one he’d lost. The hallways were dotted with photographs of them all, old and new faces that reminded Magnus more than ever of all that he’d lost over the years, and all that he would lose again.
He stepped out onto the patio, into the warmth of the early morning sun. It had been raining the day Alec had died and it had kept raining steadily for a week after that- Magnus had felt the weather fitting to his mood. He had no explanation for it now, the sun rising over the trees in the distance and shining down onto the person who sat alone outside looking at it.
He walked over to her with soft footsteps, unsure of what he would say or even why he had come at all. He just knew that he had to be here. Maria had been Rafael’s wife, and Magnus had loved her since the day he’d first met her. She’d been there for him when Alec had died, finding every inane excuse to come visit him just so he didn’t have to be alone, though she’d had the courtesy not to say so bluntly that that had been her intention. He touched her shoulder gently as he reached her, bending to press a kiss to the top of her head as he brushed aside what was now fine hair graying at the roots. She smiled up at him.
“How are you?” Magnus asked.
He took a seat next to her, noting the untouched cup of tea in her hand that had long since gone cold. Maria looked exhausted in a way that she rarely did, and Magnus wondered if, like him, she’d gotten no sleep the night before either. He’d found it impossible to drift off no matter how much he’d tried, tormented by the knowledge of what he would be waking up to. Rafael had died peacefully, eased along by either Magnus’ or Max’s magic, but that hadn’t made it any easier for anyone to witness. The room had been filled with all of their family, but only three people had stood around his bed. Magnus had held one of Rafael’s hands and Max had held the other one, and Maria had sobbed into her husband’s shoulder as he’d drawn his very last breath, and Magnus had watched while his world had come crumbling down to pieces for the second time.
“About as good as you are, I presume.” Maria said. Magnus smiled. He reached out, touching the side of Maria’s teacup and watching as the blue tendrils of his magic swirled around it, until it was reheated back to the perfect temperature for drinking.
“You should drink something.” Magnus said.
Maria took a shuddering breath, shaking her head, “No puedo.”
He took her hand in his, and he wasn’t sure if it was Maria or himself that caused it to shake so much as he finally took the teacup out of her hand and placed it onto the table in front of them. Maria leaned into him, resting her head against his shoulder, and Magnus blinked away at the tears that were threatening to spill out of his eyes.
“Thank you.” Maria said softly, “For being here. For everything.”
Maria’s wedding ring was on her finger where it had always been, and Magnus was suddenly very aware of the ones that he wore around his neck. He had always held some sort of resentment towards the universe for taking Alec away from him, but for the first time he found that that voice was entirely silent. It was the best thing the universe could have done- to ensure that Alec never had to endure this kind of pain. Magnus was sure that this pain would destroy what little was left of him.
“Thank you.” Magnus replied. He traced his thumb absently across the wrinkled skin of Maria’s hands, preemptively mourning the day that she would leave him too, “You are the best daughter-in-law I could have ever asked for.”
“Te quería muchísimo, Maria.” Magnus said to her, knowing it to be true, remembering the way Rafael had always looked at her as though Maria had hung the moon and the stars herself, as though he saw every answer to every question in the brightness of her eyes, “Te quiso hasta su último aliento.”
“Y también te quería a ti.” She said. Her voice was weak, trembling slightly, and Magnus held her until her breathing had evened itself back out. They stayed like that, holding onto each other, watching the sunrise come up.