Archive of Our Own ^beta

6 years old.

I knew that we were meant to be,

Summer time is where we meet. 

Kaoru twisted his head slightly to the side, the smallest of motions, to peek over his shoulder at the unwelcome observer. Just as he’d suspected, the strange boy was sitting in the same position that he’d been in five minutes ago, brown eyes regarding Kaoru with unabashed curiosity. Spooked, Kaoru turned back around and tried to ease the uncomfortable prickling in his neck by fiddling with the toy he had in front of him, all the while praying that the green-haired kid would get bored and go away.  

K-something was his name? Kochito? Koshiru? 

After another minute of aimlessly fiddling with the toy, Kaoru peeked over his shoulder again, this time not aiming for subtlety because surely the boy had to have left already.

Brown eyes met gold as Kaoru’s quick movement caught the still-there observer’s attention. A wide smile broke out across the strange boy’s lips as he smiled, clearly happy that his stalking had managed to get some sort of reaction out of the pink-haired boy. Kaoru’s frown deepened as the stranger scrambled to his feet and ran over to his side, skidding to a stop quickly and dropping cross-legged to the empty space next to him. 

“Hello!” 

When Kaoru, after giving the stranger an unimpressed once-over, simply pursed his lips and turned back to his toy, the green-haired kid leaned so deep into the other boy’s space that Kaoru had no other option than to meet the stranger’s gaze and scoot away slightly. 

“Hey, hello, I’m Kojiro Nanjo! I’m in your class.”

“Kaoru Sakurayashiki.”

“Yeah, I know who you are!” Kojiro grinned impossibly wider, cheeks dusted pink with excitement, “You’re cool. I like your hair! You seem all lonely and bored here, so I thought that maybe we could play together?”

“I’m fine.” 

The first hint of a wavering resolve shone on the boy’s features as Kojiro’s smile faltered slightly. “Aw, come on, don’t be like that! Let’s play together. We can share that toy if you want!”

“Leave me alone,” Kaoru grumbled, annoyance rising by the minute. He was sure that Kojiro had less than pure intentions and he wasn’t in the mood to be teased or have his toy taken away. The pink-haired kid always spent recess alone; while the other kids played tag or ball, he would sit on the sidelines, fiddling with a toy or simply watching his classmates play. He’d tried to play, once or twice, but then he’d gotten hurt and the other boys had called him a crybaby. Since then, Kaoru hadn’t played again, preferring to be alone than to get teased. So that’s why it made no sense that Kojiro would want to play with him; he was just Kaoru, the boring kid who didn’t play ball. Surely, the strange green-haired kid must want to tease him. 

“You’re being mean, Kaoru,” Kojiro frowned, his smile fading into a put-off pout, “Come on, let me play.”

“No.”

After glaring at Kaoru for a second, the green-haired kid made a grab for the toy. Tanned fingers managed to brush the side of the small toy car before Kaoru, reacting quickly, managed to jerk away. Staring daggers at Kojiro, Kaoru held the toy close to his chest, suddenly feeling defensive. 

“I’m playing with this. Find another toy, you dumb monkey!”

“No! Stop being mean! You’re the monkey!” 

“Stop bothering me, then!” Kaoru snapped, furious, and then he jumped to his feet, not wasting a single second before he was running, toy still clutched close to his chest as he tried to find a hiding spot. Yet, Kaoru had never been particularly fast, so it wasn’t long before he heard the quick pattering of feet behind him as Kojiro followed him in close pursuit. 

“Give me the toy!” Kojiro yelled when he caught up to Kaoru, hand snaking around the smaller kid’s body to latch onto the end of the toy. Kaoru cried out, surprised, and yanked the toy towards himself with as much strength as he could. 

With a surprised cry, Kojiro lost his balance and fell face-first into the rough concrete. Kaoru froze and then his eyes widened with horror as soft sobs started shaking the green-haired kid’s body. 

Oh no, oh no. 

He’s going to tattle on me. What should I do?

“Hey, um, Kojiro,” Kaoru whispered, falling to his knees in front of the boy’s crying figure, “You can have the toy if you stop crying.”

“My knees hurt,” Kojiro wailed. The boy sat up and pointed at his skimmed knees accusingly. His eyes were red and shining with tears and, to Kaoru’s alarm, he showed no signs of stopping. “Look at my knees! They hurt!”

“Stop crying, please,” Kaoru whispered. At this rate, a teacher was going to hear them and Kaoru would get in trouble. 

“But it hurts!”

I’m going to get in trouble if he doesn’t stop crying soon.

Kaoru rose to his feet and stared down at the crying boy critically, mind quickly racing through his options. He could leave and hope Kojiro wouldn’t tattle on him, they could stay here and wait for a teacher to find them, or… ah. Perfect. 

Leaning down, Kaoru wrapped his fingers around Kojiro’s sweaty hand, pulling slightly until the green-haired kid took the hint and scrambled clumsily to his feet. Kojiro was still crying, round tears rolling down his face in quick succession, but at least he’d stopped screaming, clearly surprised by the smaller boy’s actions. 

“Come on,” Kaoru pulled on Kojiro’s arm gently, leading him hand-in-hand towards the playground’s exit, “I’ll take you to the nurse.” 

✧

Both boys were sitting on a red bench outside the nurse's office, shoulders brushing together while they waited for the doctor to attend them. Kojiro had calmed down significantly; save for a few sniffs every now and then, the green-haired boy had stopped crying. Instead, he’d taken to watching Kaoru intently with wide eyes and a curious tilt to his head. Kaoru, on the other hand, was feeling slightly guilty and just a tad bit uncomfortable with the staring. He’d tried to move away from Kojiro, feeling awkward with the physical contact, but Kojiro had merely scooted down the bench with him. 

“Hey, Kaoru,” Kojiro whispered, poking insistently at Kaoru’s side. The pink-haired kid glared at him and squirmed away from the touch. Unfazed, the green-haired grinned mischievously. “Hold my hand, will you?”

Kaoru froze, brain taking a few seconds to catch up with his ears. “What?”

“Hold my hand to make me feel better. It’s what friends are supposed to do,” Kojiro said with a giggle, lips now tilted fully upwards in a devilish smirk. Kaoru considered yelling at him, pushing him away, insulting him, even, but then, right before the words slipped past his lips, he remembered what his mom had told him a few days back. 

Sakurayashiki, it wouldn’t hurt you to have a friend.

“Do it, Kaoru, or it means that you’re a bad friend!”  

Kaoru ran a critical eye over the boy in front of him, taking in scraped knees, a toothy grin, and eyes swimming with mischief. 

He’ll do. 

Kaoru slipped his hand into Kojiro’s warm one and looked away, all his bravery wasted on the hand holding, leaving none for him to be able to hold Kojiro’s gaze. A soft giggle reached his ears as Kojiro intertwined their fingers and squeezed. 

☼☼☼

12 years old. 

Oh I’m just a kid,

Never use my brain,

I only used my heart, 

And my imagination. 

Kaoru landed with a frustrated growl, knees protesting painfully from the hard fall. He barely managed to stay upright on the board as he skidded to a stop, muscles burning with the effort of holding his body up. 

Damn it. Why can’t I do it? 

A soft laugh floated up to his ears. 

“Give it up, pinkie pie. You can’t beat my jump height.”

Eyes blazing, Kaoru turned to glare at his best friend. Kojiro was practicing ollies a few meters away, gaze locked on his board, not even sparing Kaoru the courtesy of looking him in the eye when he mocked him.  

“Shut up, booger head,” Kaoru hissed. Kojiro finally looked up from his skateboard, eyes wide with outrage. “You’re only going higher than me because you’re taller than me! You’re like a monkey, all skinny with long legs!”

“Whatever! Call me monkey all you want, I still jump higher than you!”

Kaoru stuck his tongue out at him and returned to his board. 

Kaoru and Kojiro had picked up skating a year ago and it had been the best decision they'd ever made. Kaoru was sure that nothing could beat the feeling of rolling down a hill at full speed, wind whipping through his hair, or the satisfaction he felt whenever he nailed a new trick. And skating was cool in itself, but the fact that Kojiro liked it too made it ten times better. 

They pushed each other to be better. Kaoru had a burning desire to be perfect in everything he did. Whenever he wanted to nail a trick, he would repeat the motions over and over again, ignoring scraped knees and bruised hands, until he mastered the move. Over and over again, until he reached perfection. Kojiro, on the other hand, had a sort of natural grace that permeated into everything he did; the skating tricks and motions flowed easily from his muscles onto the board with an aptitude Kaoru could only hope to imitate. Kojiro was naturally great at skating, and Kaoru, refusing to be worse, refusing to be anything other than perfect, pushed himself harder and harder so that Kojiro wouldn’t leave him behind. And Kojiro, naturally competitive, would try to get ahead of Kaoru with all he had. 

And there lay Kaoru’s problem. Kojiro was great at jumping tricks. Whenever he got on the half-pipe at the skatepark, the green-haired boy flew, rising well above the edge of the tube before he landed gracefully. And even though Kaoru was also pretty good , every single time he gained a few air inches, Kojiro was able to jump even higher. It had been a source of endless frustration for Kaoru for the past few weeks, because he wanted to be perfect, and in spite of his practice, in spite of the hours spent analyzing videos of his previous jumps to try to see where the mistake was, he couldn’t gain the altitude he was missing. It was driving him crazy. 

I’ll do it. I’ll do it this time. 

“Look at me, Kojiro,” he yelled, catching the green-haired boy’s attention, “I’ll beat your record this time.” 

“I doubt it!”

Kaoru breathed deep, once, twice, and then he was off. He pushed at the ground, gaining impulse, gaining momentum, and then he was skating up the ramp; up, up, up, as the wind blew his hair back. 

Bend your knees and turn. 

Kaoru braced his body, turning his torso as he reached the coping, and then he was flying. 

He went higher and higher as his body turned, downhill hand coming down to touch the side of his foot. He was flying. 

And oh, how he loved this feeling. The feeling of flying freely through the air, only gravity controlling his body, of complete freedom, was near ecstasy. He loved it. 

And when he reached the peak of his jump, he knew he’d done it, he’d beat Kojiro’s record. And he laughed, laughed high and clear as he started to go down, because this was perfection. He’d done it and he’d done it well. He’d won. 

As he went down, Kaoru raised his gaze because he had to look, had to see Kojiro’s expression when he realized that Kaoru had beat him. And Kaoru grinned, triumphant, because Kojiro’s eyes were wide as he watched his friend come down, lips parted in surprise and skateboard lying forgotten a few feet away. 

I win. 

Kaoru landed on the ground roughly, knees buckling with the impact. He fought for control as he rolled down the ramp, willing his legs to withstand the effort. Only a few seconds later, they gave out, making his skateboard fly out from under him. Kaoru skidded across the rough surface of the half-pipe with a cry, bracing his hands out in front of him to try to protect his face. 

“Kaoru!” Kojiro yelled, running over and dropping into a crouch in front of his friend. Groaning, Kaoru sat up, wincing when he saw the bloodied skin of his knees and palms. 

“Ouch,” he groaned, making Kojiro’s eyes widen with concern in response. The green-haired boy quickly ran over to their backpack to retrieve the kit they carried for emergencies like these. 

“You’re an idiot,” Kojiro whispered as he pulled out the antiseptic and spread it across the cuts in Kaoru’s hands and knees. Kaoru cried out as the burning liquid seeped into his wounds, making Kojiro glance up in sympathy. “You really are an idiot, you know that, don’t you? Why did you jump so high if you couldn’t even land the fall?” 

Kaoru shrugged, a cheeky grin making its way onto his lips. “I wanted to beat you. And I did.” 

“No you didn’t! I still jump higher than you!” 

“Don’t lie to yourself,” Kaoru taunted, meeting Kojiro’s defiant glare with a triumphant gaze of his own, “I won and you know it. Better luck next time, loser!”

Kojiro rolled his eyes. “I’ll beat your record next time, princess, you just wait and see. Not that I’m saying I lost this time. Now stay still, I have to put the bandaids on.” 

Kaoru went still as the green-haired boy gently placed a bandaid over a large cut on his right knee, fingertips lightly pressing at the skin, so softly that it sent a wave of tingles down Kaoru’s leg. It surprised him sometimes, how Kojiro, for all of his energy and rash movements on the skateboard, could be so gentle when he was taking care of Kaoru like this. It was almost like another person took control over Kojiro, a caring, peaceful being that disappeared as soon as Kaoru was all patched up. 

The mellow touches made involuntary goosebumps rise along Kaoru’s legs and arms as his friend cared for the wounds, placing bandage after bandage until Kaoru was all patched up. 

“There,” Kojiro grinned, “All better.” 

☼☼☼

15 years old. 

You’re my friend,

If we do,

Just by chance, 

Can we kiss? 

Can we dance? 

I should not be doing this.

Shit. 

Kaoru closed his eyes and slowly released the breath he’d been keeping pent up in his lungs, careful not to let it out too quickly lest his slowly rising panic peeked through in the way that he exhaled shakily. Kojiro was sitting next to him, and while the green-eyed teen was currently distracted by Himari Sato’s pretty face, Kaoru didn’t want to risk his friend realizing that he felt uncomfortable. After all, Kaoru had been the one who’d insisted they both play the game, and if he chickened out now Kojiro would never let him hear the end of it. 

Inhale, exhale. It’s fine. Everything’s going to be fine. 

The pink-haired teen opened his eyes slowly, vision swimming as the bright lights blinded him briefly. Kaoru’s eyebrows knit together while his eyes roamed over the people gathered in a circle he was currently a part of. Expressions varied from clear excitement — mostly the boys — to pink-cheeked embarrassment — mainly the girls — to Kaoru’s own sour look. 

He didn’t know which idiot had come up with the brilliant idea of playing spin-the-bottle — this was supposed to be a birthday party, for god’s sake, not an orgy — and Kaoru, suddenly overcome with the urge to be cool and daring and like an normal teenager for once, had agreed to play, roping in a dubious Kojiro in with him. 

Yet, now, faced with actually going through with what the game entailed, Kaoru thoroughly regretted his streak of rebeldy. 

This is why I don’t go to parties. 

“Okay, let’s start!” Sato giggled, flashing a cheeky grin at Kojiro that made Kaoru’s stomach turn uncomfortably. As one of the boys reached inside the circle to send the bottle spinning, Karou’s stomach sank to his feet and his shirt started itching uncomfortably against his neck because he really didn’t want to do this. 

As the bottle spun round and round, golden eyes roamed uncomfortably over the girls’ faces, unable to find one that he would actually want to kiss. It’s not that Kaoru’s classmates were ugly, not at all, it’s just that he didn't find them attractive. He was very picky, that's all.

The bottle landed first on Yua and then on Kaido. As the blushing teens brought their lips together in a quick peck amidst hoots and cheers from their classmates, Kaoru had a brief moment of respite. The first round was done. He was safe, for now. 

His luck didn’t hold out for long. On the third round, Kaoru watched with growing horror as the bottle lost speed, turning slowly, slower, slower on the floor before it reached a shuddering stop with its top pointing straight at Kaoru. His fate was sealed. 

Oh my god. Oh god. What should I do?

Hoping, praying, that his dread was not as clear on his face as he thought it was, Kaoru raised his gaze from the bottle to seek out his best friend, expecting to find some sort of sympathy or comfort in the look. That was not the case. Kojiro was grinning at him, wagging his eyebrows conspiratorially, clearly oblivious to the panic currently plaguing his best friend. Karou turned his gaze away, suddenly feeling sick. 

I’m going to have to kiss someone. Oh my god. Why did I agree to this? 

While the boys ‘oohed’ and some girls giggled, the pink-haired teen analyzed the girls desperately, trying to convince himself that they were pretty, that he could kiss them and be satisfied. 

I mean, a girl is a girl… right? A kiss is a kiss… 

When the bottle was spun again, searching for Kaoru’s partner, his eyes settled on Aoi Ueno. She was pretty, wasn’t she? Broad shoulders, pretty black hair, square jaw… she was attractive, wasn’t she?

Please let it be Aoi, please let it be Aoi, please let it be… Oh. Ohh. 

The bottle had slowed down in a similar fashion as before, nearly landing in front of Kaoru once again, but with a final burst of movement, it had come to a stop right in front of a mortified-looking Nanjo Kojiro. Golden eyes widened with surprise as the whole circle fell silent. 

Yes! I mean, no. Shit. That’s weird. Are they going to spin it again? 

Kaoru had felt his heart soar for a guilty second. This outcome had been so much better than he could have hoped for, much better than Aoi. Kojiro was Kaoru’s best-friend, for god’s sake, and he was so much better than all the other girls because he was Kojiro and Kojiro always made him feel comfortable. He wouldn’t feel as awkward kissing him as he would feel kissing one of the girls. And Kojiro, with his warm skin, kind eyes, and pretty smile, was attractive. Objectively, of course. Girls found him attractive. And his lips looked soft… not that Kaoru took notice. Overall, Kojiro was a good person to have his first kiss with… right?

And yet, Kojiro didn’t look nearly as happy as Kaoru felt. His eyebrows were slightly furrowed, and he was chewing on the inside of his lip, and… oh. Oh. Kojiro didn’t want to kiss him, did he? The green-haired teen shifted in his seat, breaking eye contact with his best friend, and Kaoru’s heart stuttered to a stop with a painful clench, because, god, Kojiro didn’t want to kiss him. 

Shit. Shit. 

Couldn’t they just kiss and get it over with? Would that really be so terrible?

Shit. Of course he won’t kiss me. Fucking weird. I’m stupid. 

“Are you two going to kiss or not?” Sakura Tagaki barked, crossing her arms impatiently over her chest. Two pairs of eyes, one golden and one brown, snapped onto her form before turning back around to face each other. The best friends held each other’s gaze for one second, two… and then Kojiro’s frown relaxed slightly, eyes softening nearly imperceptibly while he flashed an uncertain grin in Kaoru’s direction. 

“It’s just a kiss,” he whispered, shrugging slightly. Kaoru’s lips parted with surprise. “I don’t mind. Do you?”

Is this… permission? 

Without wasting a single second doubting what he was about to do, what he wanted to do, Kaoru leaned forward to press his mouth against Kojiro’s. The kiss was quick, a mere brushing of lips lasting all of two seconds, before both boys jerked away from each other as if they’d been burned. 

Ohhh. 

Their gazes were locked together, gold melting with brown, and Kaoru felt his cheeks start to burn. His lips were on fire. 

I kissed Kojiro. 

Kojiro looked surprised, eyes widening with each passing second. His face was slowly turning a soft shade of red, and he—

“Um, that was gross,” a loud voice rang out, snapping both boys out of their reveries. With wide eyes they turned to stare at Genki Uchida, one of their classmates, who was frowning at them from across the circle. Kaoru’s heart all but stopped.

Gross? Was it… gross?

Next to Uchida, Sakura rolled her eyes and pushed at the boy’s arm. 

“Uchida-kun, shut up,” she snapped, “Kissing is the whole point of the game, don’t be weird. Let’s keep playing.”

The spell broke as a collective exhale passed through the room. Sakura, Kaoru’s newfound guardian angel, spun the bottle once again, and all thoughts of Kaoru and Kojiro’s kiss slipped out of the teens’ minds as a new kiss was announced. 

Kaoru had trained his eyes on a blank point in the wall and was focusing on keeping his breathing under control. He felt like he was going to be sick. 

Gross? I didn’t think it was gross. 

Oh my god. 

Did I ruin Kojiro’s first kiss? I didn’t mean to be gross. Shit, shit, shit. 

A hand fell on his shoulder and Kaoru’s gaze snapped wide-eyed to his best friend. Frowning slightly, with lips tilted into a concerned smile, Kojiro squeezed Kaoru’s shoulder again. 

“Hey, Kaoru, you with me?” Kojiro whispered as his gaze roamed over Kaoru’s pale face and wide eyes. The green-haired teen frowned deeper when he noted Kaoru’s obvious discomfort and immediately scooted closer to him, “Hey, Kaoru, it’s okay. Are you feeling alright? We can leave if you want.” 

Kaoru shook his head quickly. The last thing he wanted was to ruin Kojiro’s night even more than he had already. He could get the nerves under control. He always did. 

“Hey,” Kojiro squeezed his shoulder again and Kaoru, relieved, melted into the touch. Kojiro couldn’t be that grossed out if he was touching him, right? Nobody was looking at them; all were way too focused on the couple that was kissing at the moment. 

“Don’t pay attention to Uchida, okay? He’s stupid,” Kojiro whispered. Kaoru stayed rooted on the spot, heart beating furiously against his ribcage. “I didn’t think the kiss was gross. Did you?” 

Oh. Ohh. Thank god. Thank god. 

The pink-haired teen shook his head quickly, relief slamming into him so powerfully that he was even able to muster the energy to roll his eyes as if to say ‘stupid Kojiro, of course not.’ 

Do you even need to ask? 

It’s obvious I liked it, you idiot. 

Kojiro grinned, “Well, that’s good then, that we both liked the kiss. I mean, to tell you the truth, I was hoping for a girl,” he winked as Kaoru shot him a glare, heart returning to a semblance of its normal rate with the lighthearted teasing, “but with your long hair and pretty face you were… acceptable.”  

He liked it. He isn’t grossed out. Oh, thank god. 

“And I was hoping for someone that didn’t have booger-colored hair, but we can’t always get what we want, can we? Dumb monkey,” Kaoru shot back, pushing his friend away and trying to act nonchalant, as if his whole world hadn’t been crumbling to the ground a few minutes ago. Kojiro grinned wider. 

✧

As soon as he got home, Kaoru collapsed onto his bed, utterly exhausted after the party. 

Thankfully, spin the bottle had lost its glamour after a couple more rounds and neither him nor Kojiro had had to kiss anyone else. 

Spin the bottle… the kiss.

Remembering the night’s events, the teen raised a shaky hand to hover over his still-burning lips. 

I kissed Kojiro. I had my first kiss and it was with my best friend. 

Kaoru turned around to bury his head into a pillow, trying to hide the smile that was breaking out across his face. Nobody was here to see him and yet he felt like he should hide, hide how happy kissing his best friend had made him feel, his guy best friend, at that.

It was a nice kiss. Really, really nice. 

It wasn’t weird to have liked it… right? Kojiro was his closest friend and he trusted him completely. It was a totally normal, totally platonic reaction that everyone experienced when they kissed their best friends. Right? 

Kaoru had eaten at the party, so his mouth tasted kind of gross. He knew he should brush his teeth, and yet he paused right as he was getting up from the bed. 

If I brush my teeth, will it take the kiss away? 

He snorted and rolled his eyes, the idea sounding ridiculous even in his own head. 

I’ll brush them soon. 

He laid back down on the bed, mind replaying the kiss, and he eventually fell asleep with his clothes still on, the remnants of the kiss still safe and untarnished by toothpaste. 

☼☼☼

16 years old. 

You’re every song I love,

Can’t get away from,

You’re every song I love. 

Kaoru stared incredulously at the rolling credits making their way down Kojiro’s old computer. He turned to his best friend, disgust clear on his face, only to be met with an amused grin. 

“That was the comedic masterpiece that you promised me? Seriously?” Kaoru huffed, clearly displeased. Kojiro laughed, chest heaving with deep chuckles that shook the mattress they were sharing, and rolled his eyes at Kaoru with fondness. 

“It is a masterpiece. It’s not my fault that you have the humor of a corpse, pinkie pie,” he snickered, pushing playfully at Kaoru’s shoulder. The pink-haired teen, mortified, pushed the offending hand off his body and glared deeper at the taller boy, eyes blazing. 

“And you have the humor of a ten-year-old, you idiotic monkey.”

“Asami-chan doesn’t think my humor is bad,” Kojiro quipped, triumphant, and a blade of ice slammed into Kaoru’s stomach. Of course . 

Asami was their stupidly beautiful classmate who had spent the past few weeks hopelessly pining after Kojiro. Of course she thought Kojiro was funny. 

Kaoru felt sick and he turned his gaze away, suddenly feeling way too hot under the thin blanket that they were sharing. Stupid, pretty, Asami. God. Each time she sauntered over to Kojiro’s desk, a cheeky smile lighting up her face, Kaoru just wanted to push her away, or push Kojiro away, or just… But he couldn’t. Because Kojiro was his best friend, and best friends shouldn’t feel what Kaoru did. So when Kojiro returned Asami’s laughs, Kaoru simply turned his gaze away and tried to swallow the disgusting jealousy that rose to choke him like bile in his throat. 

“Of course your darling Asami would think that you’re funny. She’d think shit was funny if you laughed at it.” Kaoru hissed, freezing up as soon as the words left his mouth. 

Oh god. 

That was too much. I should have stayed silent. 

Yet Kojiro laughed softly, either too distracted or too stupid to notice the clear jealousy dripping off Kaoru’s words. “You don’t like Asami much, do you?” 

Kaoru shrugged, not trusting himself to speak. Kojiro laughed again. 

“I’m thinking about asking her out on a date. What do you think?”

A storm brewed inside Kaoru’s stomach, burning his insides with bitterness. “Do whatever you want.” 

Kojiro was silent for a few seconds, eyebrows coming together in a small frown, and Kaoru’s heart turned to ice. 

Finally. 

Finally, he’d fucked up. Kojiro had to have finally realized how Kaoru really felt about him, and he was trying to find a way to turn him down, turn him away, and—

“I’m just kidding, princess,” Kojiro laughed, a short, clear sound, and Kaoru was able to exhale and inhale again, sweet air scented with relief rushing into his lungs as those words reached his ears.

Oh, thank god.

He really is clueless, isn’t he?

“Asami is not my type. And even if she was, I wouldn’t date her if you didn’t like her."

“Oh really? I think she’s perfect: annoying and with the IQ of a toad. Just like you!”

“Ha, ha, how original. No but seriously, I’ve just decided that you’ll have to approve of all my girlfriends before I date them. You’ll turn away the bad apples, how about that?” Kojiro grinned, clearly thinking that he’d had the greatest idea. Kaoru, on the other hand, felt like he was going to die from bitterness. 

Idiotic monkey. Don’t you get it? I’ll never like any of the girls you date. I’ll always resent them, no matter how good they are for you. 

But Kaoru couldn’t say that, of course he couldn’t, because that would be weird, so instead, he huffed exasperatedly and pushed at his friend's arm playfully. 

“Talking with your dumb girlfriends might lower my IQ, if they’re all as intellectually gifted as you. So thanks, but no thanks. Let’s go to sleep,” he snapped, wishing for the conversation to be over already. If Kaoru didn’t cut him off soon, Kojiro might start talking about the girls who were his type, and the pink-haired teen might die from jealousy. “It’s late already.” 

Kojiro grinned as he reached up to turn off the light. “You’re really like an old man.” 

“Shut up, you dumb monkey. You’re giving me a headache.” 

✧

When Kaoru opened his eyes, the room was still dark. He blinked slowly, trying to get his bearings. He was laying on his side, body curled up on itself, and the arm he had resting under his body was itching, half-asleep. On top of that, his neck was tingling weirdly and there was something warm and soft pressed up against… oh. 

Oh. 

Warm breath trickled over the back of Kaoru’s neck, sending a wave of shivers down his spine. The pink-haired teen froze immediately, afraid that any small movement would disturb the gift he’d been presented with. 

Ohh. 

Now wide awake, Kaoru realized that the warm weight on his back was Kojiro; stupid, annoying, beautiful Kojiro, who was leaning against him with his chest pressed to Kaoru’s back. The teen’s face was mushed into Kaoru’s pillow and his soft exhales ghosted over the sensitive skin of Kaoru’s neck. 

Oh my god. 

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Each time a warm breath puffed over Kaoru’s neck, hordes of butterflies materialized inside the smaller teen’s stomach, making him feel warm and nervous and queasy because, god, Kojiro was nearly hugging him. 

Kojiro’s arms were probably tucked close to his body, and Kaoru was thankful for that, because if he’d woken up to Kojiro holding him tenderly — for there was no other way to describe this feeling — then he’d have fainted on the spot. Just this simple contact, a mere brushing of bodies, warm breath ghosting over sensitive skin, was enough to make Kaoru lightheaded. A hug would have been too much to handle. 

God, Kaoru was going to die. Because Kojiro was warm and soft against him, breathing even and gentle and peaceful, and it was too much. Kaoru was going to die, because he was in love with his best friend, and having him like this, content, soft, nearly holding him, well, it reminded Kaoru of everything he could never have.

Oh my god. 

Kojiro, Kojiro, Kojiro. 

Kaoru bit his lip, feeling faint. He knew he should move away and step out of Kojiro’s warm cocoon of soft skin and sleepy breaths; it was the right thing to do. That’s what any normal friend would do. But Kaoru was selfish. God, he was so selfish. 

And even as guilt gnawed at his insides, even knowing that when morning came and his brain had lost the irrationality that came with being awake in the early morning hours he would beat himself up endlessly for it, Kaoru shifted closer to Kojiro, basking in his warmth, overwhelmed with feeling. 

Kojiro was slipping away from him. Soon, there would be a beautiful girl warming his side and Kaoru would be left behind. So Kaoru decided to be selfish, just this once. 

Just this once. 

He closed his eyes and slipped away into a deep sleep. 

☼☼☼

18 years old. 

And cry, 

Oh, I want you to cry,

For what you did to me,

That night. 

‘Cuz I’m scared,

God, I’m terrified, 

What will happen

to my life? 

‘Cause you broke my heart. 

Weak fists pounded at the door, over and over again. 

Please be home. Please be home. 

Kaoru rang the doorbell again, cursing inwardly as he saw how much his hand was shaking. 

Stupid, stupid, meat-headed idiot, Kojiro, where the fuck are you?

The pink-haired man resumed his assault on the doorway, breathing rate increasing exponentially with each second that Kojiro didn’t show up at the door. 

What should I do? 

After one more excruciating minute that had Kaoru believing he would go insane, the door finally opened. Brown eyes widened as Kojiro took in the dripping-wet, pale-cheeked mess that was his best friend. 

“Kaoru?” Kojiro’s voice trembled slightly, worry etched clear into every line in his face. Kaoru’s lips parted in surprise as his mind went stupidly blank, and so he simply stood there, wet hair plastered to his forehead, staring wide-eyed at his best friend. “Kaoru, are you… are you okay?”

“Can I come in?” 

“I—yeah, of course, come on in,” Kojiro said with a frown, stepping away from the door to let the pink-haired teen inside. “Let’s, um, let’s go to my room. I’ll lend you some clothes.”

After toweling off and changing into a pair of sweats and a hoodie that Kojiro lent him, Kaoru sat down on the bed, carefully brushing out his hair while Kojiro stared at him anxiously. Kaoru could tell the taller teen was worried sick; Kojiro’s leg bounced nervously against the floor and he was chewing on a thumbnail, seemingly trying his best to contain whatever it was he wanted to say out of respect for his friend’s privacy. When the green-haired man cursed softly after biting down on his finger hard enough to draw blood, Kaoru decided to show pity for him; after all, he was the one who’d shown up uninvited. 

“Spit it out, Kojiro.” 

“Areyouokay?” The words tumbled out of Kojiro’s mouth in a high-pitched rush. The green-haired teen took a deep breath, composed himself, and tried again. “Kaoru, are you okay? You’ve been… awfully quiet. Why were you out in the rain?”

Okay? He’s leaving me. He’s leaving, and he’s going to leave me behind. 

But it’s fine. I’m fine. 

“Aino—“ Kaoru started, frowned, and then corrected his slipup. “Adam. It’s Adam. We… we broke up.” 

Kojiro’s lips parted with a surprised intake of breath as his eyes widened ever so slightly. Kaoru turned his gaze away because Kojiro looked sorry for him, and Kaoru didn’t want anyone’s pity. He was fine. 

“Oh, Kaoru, I’m sorry. I know you really cared for him.” 

Kojiro’s voice was soft, gentle, filled with pity, and Kaoru shrugged, still keeping his eyes trained on a blank spot on the floor. He was fine. 

“Why were you out in the ra—?”

“He’s leaving for America. Tomorrow,” Kaoru interrupted. Kojiro’s eyes widened. “He said he had to stop playing with us. That he had to move on to bigger and better things.” 

“What does that even mean?” 

Kaoru shrugged again, shifting slightly in his seat. The memory of Adam’s words, of his cold look as he stared down at Kaoru from across the backseat, was tugging at the edges of his consciousness, begging to be paid attention to. 

“Don’t you get it?” 

“I don’t need you anymore.” 

Fiddling with the hem of his hoodie, Kaoru willed those thoughts away. He was fine. Perfectly fine. It’s not like he was devastated or anything of the sort; Adam wasn’t worth it. He was fine. 

Breathing deeply — keep it together — he continued. “He said… Well, he said I was holding him back. That he didn’t need me anymore. He said I was a control freak—”

Which is true. 

“—too cold—"

Also true. 

“—and that the novelty of dating me had worn off. He said he’d gotten bored. That I was boring.” 

I am. 

But it’s fine. 

Kojiro was silent for a minute, staring at his feet with a frown. Kaoru twisted on his seat, nerves rising as his eyes roamed over his friend’s expression. Kojiro looked… Well, he looked mad. 

Why is he mad? 

I’m just fine. 

“He said that?” Kojiro finally asked, jaw tight with tension. When he looked up at Kaoru, the anger was clear in his eyes, and the pink-haired teen felt a brief flash of annoyance pass through him. Kojiro didn’t have to go and get angry on his behalf, especially when Kaoru didn’t care what stupid Adam had said. “That bastard—"

“Kojiro.”

“—has no right to speak to you like that. Adam has lost his goddamn mind. He’s been skating like a madman and then he goes and tells you those awful things… It’s not right, Kaoru, it’s not right. I knew I should have spoken to him bef—"

“Kojiro,” Kaoru interrupted, anger rising, “It’s fine. Seriously. I’m okay.” 

“No, Kaoru, it’s not fine. That bastard hurt you when you’ve done nothing but worship the ground he walks on. He’s an i—"

“I said it’s fine, okay?! Fucking drop it.” Kaoru spat and then turned away before he could see Kojiro’s expression. He couldn’t bear to see the anger that was sure to be present there, the pity, the obvious sympathy. Everyone thought that Kaoru was hopelessly in love with Adam, and now that he'd broken up with him, it was only logical to assume that Kaoru would be absolutely devastated. But he wasn’t. He was just fine, thank you very much, and he really didn’t understand why Kojiro had to make such a big deal out of the situation. He was fine. 

“Why were you out in the rain?” 

“What?” Kaoru turned back to his friend. Kojiro didn’t look angry anymore; his eyes were wide and shiny with worry, and the corners of his mouth were drawn downwards. 

“Why were you out in the rain?” 

Kaoru glared at him. 

I shouldn’t have come here. 

“Just tell me, Kaoru.”

“He threw me out of the car, okay? He told me to get out of the car, and it was raining, so I got wet. Happy?” 

“What?”

“But it’s only because I tried to kiss him,” Kaoru admitted quickly, cheeks burning with shame, because god, he was pathetic. Of course Adam would want to break up with him if this is how he acted. “When he told me I was cold, I tried to kiss him. I wanted to show him I wasn’t, I guess. He pushed me away and told me to get out. It was my fault, really.” 

Kojiro merely stared at him, face twisted into a horrified mask, and Kaoru fiddled nervously in his seat. 

“But it’s fine. I’m fine. Adam could go to hell for all I care.”   

They fell into an uncomfortable silence for a while. Kojiro wasn’t looking at him, and Kaoru started to feel slightly guilty. Because, well, he should be feeling sad, shouldn’t he? He’d just been broken up with and the man he loved was leaving to go study halfway across the world. Adam had said some very hurtful things. Horrible things. Kaoru should be sad. 

But he wasn’t. Sure, it had stung a little when Adam had thrown all the insecurities Kaoru had trusted him with right back in his face. And sure, he’d certainly been surprised, because the breakup had come out of the blue. And sure, it hadn’t been particularly pleasant that the man he loved — because Kaoru did love him, a shit-ton — had thrown him out into the rain like he was some sort of dog. But it didn't hurt. He wasn’t sad. 

“Look, Kaoru…” Kojiro sighed eventually, rousing the pink-haired teen from his daydream, “I know you said that you were fine, but I just want you to know that it’s fine if you’re not. Adam was… special, to you. I’ve never seen you being as free as you were when you were around him. So it’s fine if you’re hurt by what he did. You don’t have to pretend with me, you know? I’m here for you, always.”

“Seriously, Kojiro, I’m not hurt. Everything he said, I already knew; it’s not surprising. It's fine, really.”

“Wait, what?” 

Kaoru froze. What had he…? 

“Dude, you know that all that shit Adam said isn’t true… right?

“You don’t have to try to make me feel better. I don’t need your pity.”

“Kaoru, it’s not— god, Kaoru, it’s not pity. Adam is completely wrong about you. You’re not cold, you’re… I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you looked at him. It was clear that you loved him. You cared so much that it’s n—"

“Shut it, Kojiro. I don’t want to hear it.” 

“No, Kaoru, you shut it, damn it,” Kojiro cried, eyes blazing with frustration, “I won’t let you beat yourself up over what that asshole told you. You’re not cold, you’re not some kind of toy that the novelty can wear off, and—"

“Damn it, Kojiro, just shut up!”

“—you’re not boring. At all. Kaoru, god, you’re the most amazing person I’ve eve—"

“Please, Kojiro, please, just dro—” Kaoru’s voice cut off abruptly as the words choked up in his throat. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, then a second, slightly shakier one, and then… 

“Oh, Kaoru.” 

The tears welled up in his eyes and suddenly Kaoru felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on top of his chest. 

He shut his eyes tightly, fists coming up to press against the eyelids, because he shouldn’t be crying. And yet the tears, now unstoppable, rolled down his face and into the collar of the borrowed hoodie, staining his skin with pale rivers that shone in the soft light of the room. 

His lungs started burning, deprived of oxygen, because each time he opened his mouth to gulp in much needed air a choked-off sob would make its way out of his throat and stop the flow of air. And the tears made his eyes burn and the few breaths he took were shaky and short and his hands were trembling because, god.  

Ainosuke was gone . 

Ainosuke was gone, and he’d made Kaoru feel like absolute shit. 

Even when he started skating differently, even when he’d started hurting others, Ainosuke had never hurt Kaoru. And somehow — stupidly — Kaoru had come to believe that he was the exception. That even though Ainosuke was hurting everyone around him, he wouldn’t…. Well. Kaoru had thought Ainosuke cared for him as much as Kaoru cared for him. 

Kaoru inhaled sharply — breathe, idiot, just breathe — and bit down his tongue, hard enough that he tasted copper, because he shouldn’t be crying. He buried his face in his hands and tried to breathe as his heart hammered away furiously in his chest, stuttering slightly, making him feel dizzy. 

Oh god. He’s gone. He’s leaving me. 

He really is leaving me. 

He barely felt Kojiro’s hand as it came to rest on his back, rubbing gentle circles across the cloth-clad skin, because he could only think of him. 

Ainosuke… He’d always been so open . He’d been so candid about his feelings, about his affections, that Kaoru himself had started to open up, had started to say and show what he felt inside. 

And then Ainosuke called Kaoru cold. Boring. Emotionless. 

And of course he was. He’d been an idiot to think that his futile attempts at affection would be received well. He was cold. He was boring. Ainosuke didn’t need someone like him; he needed someone open, affectionate, passionate, someone who could give him what he deserved. It should have been obvious that he would leave Kaoru behind. 

And then Kojiro grabbed his hand and started calling his name, trying to calm him down, and god, Kaoru felt even worse, because why couldn’t he be like Kojiro? Why did affection come so easily to others and not him? Why was he so cold, and weird, and distant, and so fucking boring? If he’d only been a bit more like Kojiro, maybe Ainosuke would have… 

Kaoru started feeling dizzy, air turning to stone inside his lungs, and he clutched desperately at Kojiro’s arm. 

“I can’t— breathe,” he gasped, chest burning, and then Kojiro was there, of course he was, holding him gently, cradling his face between his palms. 

“Breathe, Kaoru, breathe. Count with me, okay? Inhale; one, two, three…” 

✧

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled eventually, when his breathing had returned to normal and the tears had long dried on his face. 

I’m pathetic. Fucking pathetic. 

Kojiro was holding him, tenderly, softly , head resting against Kaoru’s own, hands a comforting weight on the pink-haired teen’s back. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, louder this time. “I didn’t think… I thought I was fine. I didn’t know it would trigger… you know.” 

“Don’t apologize, Kaoru. It’s okay. You’re okay now.” 

☼☼☼

20 years old. 

If you want to leave me, 

Will you leave me in your mind?

And think of me some evening, 

In the evening of our lives. 

Two streaks of color, one green and one pink, crossed the finish line in quick succession amidst cries and cheers from the onlookers gathered on both sides of the racetrack. Both skaters skidded to a stop, but while Kojiro was sporting a triumphant grin, Kaoru’s eyebrows were drawn together in an annoyed frown. 

“Cherry, tell me,” Kojiro’s smile was wide, brown eyes shining with mirth while his fangirls hovered around him, “how does it feel to lose? Are you gonna cry, pinkie pie?” 

“Please, don’t make me laugh,” Kaoru chuckled darkly, taking a menacing step closer towards the taller man, “This race marks sixteen beef wins from you, twenty from me. The gap was getting too large, and, well, I was feeling charitable.”

Kojiro’s eyes widened, outraged, and he stepped even closer to the pink-headed man, hands curling into fists at his side. “Oh, spare me the theatrics! I won fair and square, moronic four-eyes! You’re such a sore loser!” 

“I clearly threw the race, you meat-headed ape!” 

The skaters were nearly touching now, staring each other down with matching furious expressions as their hands trembled angrily at their sides. Their fangirls were going crazy, yelling and cooing for their favorites while their cameras flashed repeatedly to document the pair’s newest fight. 

Kojiro leaned in closer to Kaoru, but while he maintained a furious expression, the words he whispered in Kaoru’s ear were soft. 

“Meet me at our spot in ten.” 

Kaoru shoved his sworn rival away, careful not to drop the act, and turned on his heel to leave the scene. 

“This isn’t over yet, Joe. Next time, I won’t be so generous!” Kaoru yelled over his shoulder, eyes shooting daggers at the green-haired man. 

“I’m counting on it!” 

✧

Kaoru’s foot tapped an annoyed rhythm on the concrete as he waited for Kojiro, glancing down at his wrist every few seconds to check the time. 

After a couple more minutes of impatient waiting, the sound of wheels rolling down the pavement made the pink-haired man raise his gaze. Kojiro skidded to a stop next to his best friend, eyes still glowing with the residual ecstasy that came with winning a beef. 

“You’re late,” Kaoru snapped, crossing his arms over his chest in frustration. Kojiro grinned apologetically. 

“Sorry, Kaoru dear, my fangirls can be quite… overwhelming.” 

Kaoru rolled his eyes, ignoring the sharp stab of jealousy that bloomed deep inside his belly as Kojiro laughed. “Yeah, you damn gigolo, I’m sure they are.” 

Fucking shameless. 

Kojiro’s laugh simmered down eventually. As Kaoru glared at him, unimpressed, the taller man’s eyes lost a bit of their shine and he scratched the back of his head. “Did you really throw the race? I don’t care if you did, I just want to know.” 

Kaoru sighed; he’d been expecting the question. 

He’s never going to let me live it down. 

“No, I didn’t. It was part of the act.”

“Ha! I knew it! You’re such a sore loser, Kaoru,” Kojiro cackled, eyes shining bright, beaming at Kaoru as if the shorter man had just given him the greatest gift in the world. 

Kaoru’s heart did a funny little flip inside his chest and he turned away, worried that his cheeks would betray how flustered he was feeling. He was normally able to keep his emotions under wraps — most would call him an expert — but something about Kojiro laughing, cheeks glowing pink and beautiful under the soft light of the street lamps, always managed to throw Kaoru off balance. 

“Whatever, stupid monkey,” he snapped when he deemed it safe to turn back around, “I’ll win next time.” 

The comment was meant to be lighthearted, a small jab to continue their playful banter, and yet the mood darkened immediately. Both men fell silent as they realized the implications of what Kaoru had just said.  

Next time? Next time will be in two years. We’ll have forgotten by then. 

Kojiro sighed, eyebrows furrowing together as the corners of his lips sank down into a frown. “I’m really going to miss you, Kaoru.”

“Don’t get sentimental on me, monkey-brain,” Kaoru huffed, playing at nonchalance to hide the fact that he kind of really wanted to cry. “This apprenticeship is a once in a lifetime opportunity, we both know that, and it’s only two years. I’ll be waiting for you here, no need to get sappy.”

Kojiro’s eyes softened, lips tilting upwards into a gentle smile, and then he was leaning forward to wrap his arms around Kaoru. The pink-haired man froze, immediately trying to push the taller man away while his heart threatened to jump out of his chest. 

“Let go, stupid ape, let go!” He yelled, punching the taller man’s shoulder repeatedly in an effort to squirm away, feeling nervous and hot and extremely flustered. God, why did Kojiro have to be so damn touchy? 

Kaoru’s punches seemed to barely phase Kojiro; laughing softly, the green-haired man simply winded his arms tighter around his friend. Kaoru gasped, air rushing out of his lungs, and resumed his attacks with more vigor. “Move, you fucking beast, you’re crushing me!”

“Just accept the love, four-eyes,” Kojiro whispered, burying his face in Kaoru’s neck, “While I’m in Italy becoming an awesome chef, you’ll be here, drowning in sorrow, and you’ll wish you’d hugged me more.” 

Kaoru instantly went still, mood darkening considerably. 

Don’t joke about that, you idiot, because that’s exactly what will happen. God, I’m going to miss you so much. 

Kaoru sniffed, and after briefly considering trying to slip away again, he eventually succumbed into Kojiro’s embrace. Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around Kojiro’s middle, reasoning that for just this once, he could risk being vulnerable, risk holding Kojiro like he wanted to hold him, because, well, Kojiro had initiated the hug, hadn’t he? He could hide behind the excuse that Kojiro would be leaving, leaving him, for nearly two years. Just this once, it wouldn’t be weird for Kaoru to hug him. 

“I can’t believe I won’t have an annoying ape following me around,” he mumbled after a while, praying that his voice would come out aloof and uninterested and not shaky and sad like it wanted to. “Finally, after more than ten years, some peace and quiet.” 

“I’m going to miss you too, Kaoru.” 

Eventually, the hug got too long to be comfortable and so they broke away awkwardly, both men choosing to stare at the ground to avoid the discomfort of looking each other in the eye after such an oddly intimate moment. Clearing his throat, Kojiro picked up his skateboard from the ground. 

“Race me home?” 

“I don’t know, Kojiro,” Kaoru furrowed his brow, uncertain, “It’s late already… and I have work tomorrow.” 

“Come on, Kaoru,” Kojiro was smiling, playing at nonchalance, but his lips were quivering slightly. Kaoru’s heart tightened in his chest as he felt his resolve weakening; he couldn’t bear to see Kojiro looking so sad when his last memories of him should be happy. 

“I’m leaving tomorrow, come on,” Kojiro pleaded, lips turning downwards into a pout, “Do it as my final goodbye. You don’t have to come in or anything, just… I mean, who knows when we’ll see each other again?”

Oh, Kojiro. I’ll miss you so much. 

Kaoru rolled his eyes, cursing his own weakness, because when had he been able to deny Kojiro anything? His expression softened and he tilted his head to the side, donning the smile he reserved for Kojiro and Kojiro only. “Okay. Let’s go.” 

Kojiro’s grin lit up the night. “One, two, go!”

And then they were off, rolling away on their skateboards as fast as their wheels would carry them. 

The wind whipped through their hair and tore at their clothes, brushing everything back into a halo behind them. They were rolling down the streets so fast that the breath was snatched from Kaoru’s lungs, leaving him feeling breathless and happy and alive. 

Kojiro was skating a few meters ahead of Kaoru, and for the first time in a long time, Kaoru didn’t care that he was losing the race. This way, he could actually see Kojiro, could see his hair drifting behind him in the wind, soft and beautiful, could see his smile, god, his smile, whenever he turned to look back at Kaoru, could hear his laugh as he picked up speed while he rolled down the hill. 

And it was kind of fitting, really, that Kojiro was ahead and Kaoru was trailing behind, because Kojiro was leaving, he was leaving Kaoru, and Kaoru was powerless to stop it. Kojiro was moving ahead, onto bigger and better things, and Kaoru was staying back in Okinawa, getting left behind. And even though he was happy, even though he knew this apprenticeship would change Kojiro’s life forever, he couldn’t help the bitterness that seeped into his gut. Because he was getting left behind, like always. He was losing his best friend. 

They were approaching Kojiro’s house quickly and Kaoru felt dizzy on his board because he didn’t want to stop; he wished they could go on skating forever, not worrying about anything other than themselves. 

The distance between them was greater now, and Kaoru, contact lenses foggy from the wind, couldn’t make out Kojiro’s expression as the taller boy glanced over his shoulder. 

God, I’m going to miss you so much.  

And suddenly Kojiro slowed down, adding pressure on his foot to lower his pace just enough so that Kaoru could catch up to him. As both skaters settled side by side, golden eyes widened with surprise as they took in Kojiro’s soft smile. 

“What’s gotten into you today, stupid four-eyes?” Kojiro asked, laughing softly as he shook his head in mock admonishment. God , he looked so beautiful like that, wind whipping through his hair, cheeks pink from the exertion, shirt fluttering open with the breeze. It was pathetic, really, how pretty he looked through Kaoru’s eyes. 

You. You’re what’s gotten into me. 

Kaoru shrugged and Kojiro laughed again, a sweet, deep sound. The pink-haired man felt his heart drop to his feet and his cheeks darkened, because Kojiro was beautiful, and he was leaving him behind. 

“Speed up, idiot,” Kojiro yelled over the wind, mouth close to Kaoru’s face as he brought his skateboard closer to the pink-haired man’s, “or I’ll leave you behind!”

Yes, you will. 

Why do you have to leave? 

And then Kojiro, beautiful, beautiful Kojiro, reached out across the space between them and took Kaoru’s hand in his. 

Ohh. 

“Come on,” Kojiro smiled, squeezing their hands together as he tugged him closer. They were skating side by side now, boards nearly crashing together, heat rising between their bodies to warm Kaoru in spite of the cold night. 

The way they were skating was dangerous, incredibly so, because neither of them were standing in the proper positions and they were barely paying attention to the street in front of them. But well, who could blame Kaoru for not paying attention to the world around him when he had Kojiro in front of him? 

“You have to keep up, Kaoru,” Kojiro yelled again, “I won’t let you let me slip away.” 

Damn it, you big idiot, I’ve got it so bad for you. 

So fucking bad. 

“Don’t worry, you dumb ape,” Kaoru yelled back, warmth spreading through his limbs at hearing those words. It seemed kind of ridiculous now that he’d been stressing over Kojiro leaving him. Because Kojiro was Kojiro, he wasn’t Adam, and he wasn’t going to leave Kaoru forever. Kojiro would come back for him. He wouldn’t leave him behind. “I won’t let you let me either.”

I won't let you slip away, Kojiro. I’ll be waiting for you here. 

Hand in hand, they rushed through the streets of Okinawa as the moon paved the way. 

☼☼☼

20 years old.

Life is so damn sweet, 

The bitterness is easy, 

To swallow up and just ignore.

So come and dance with me, 

On the filthy streets, 

You’re the only one I adore anymore. 

Kaoru shifted on his feet nervously, glancing down at his watch every few seconds to reassure himself that he was here at the right time. The plane had supposedly arrived half an hour ago, and with each passing second that Kaoru spent without a certain green-haired idiot by his side, the queasiness in his stomach rose. 

Why is he taking so damn long? 

A few weeks ago, a Japanese media company based in Paris had emailed him with a job offer, soliciting his help with creating large posters for a gala event they were holding. Kaoru had been about to turn down the offer — he hated the hassle that came with traveling overseas, and his sleep schedule always got ruined — but then he’d gotten distracted with a text he’d received from Kojiro. Suddenly, the pink-haired man had found a very good reason to travel to Europe. 

He’d immediately accepted the job offer and had asked Kojiro if he could take a couple days off from work. Fast forward to Kaoru waiting at the exit to Charles de Gaulle International airport, the business side of the trip completed yesterday, waiting for Kojiro. 

“Hey, pinkie pie! Fancy meeting you here!” 

Kaoru glanced up quickly, eyes desperately roving over the masses of people stepping out into the warm Parisian heat to search for the owner of that voice. His heart was stuck in his throat and his breathing rate picked up slightly because he was finally here, after all that time apart. 

Kaoru felt his face breaking out into a small smile when he spotted green hair, a warm smile, and—

Oh my god. 

What the hell is up with those muscles? He’s like a bodybuilder. I’m going to die. 

“Kaoru, I missed you so much!” Kojiro cried as he reached Kaoru’s side, not giving the smaller man a chance to respond before he was pulling Kaoru flush against his chest in a bone-crushing hug. Kaoru squeaked in protest, air rushing out of his lungs as Kojiro pressed their bodies together, but the pure excitement that thrummed through his veins at seeing Kojiro for the first time in more than a year was enough for him to overcome his discomfort. Cheeks tingling with elation, Kaoru hugged Kojiro back, fingers bunching at the back of the taller man’s shirt. 

I can’t believe I get to see you again. 

They stepped away from the hug but didn’t separate completely; as Kaoru made to move away, Kojiro’s hands wrapped around the pink-haired man’s forearms to keep him in place, eyes shining with contentment. 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Kojiro’s voice was breathless, beautiful, just like Kaoru remembered it. 

“I can’t believe you were able to come,” Kaoru quipped back, unable to keep the small smile off his face. His heart hammered away in his chest, soaring with happiness, and his arms burned in the places where Kojiro’s palms were resting against his skin. 

“Well, I haven’t taken a day off for this whole year,” Kojiro shrugged, playing at nonchalance, “and I couldn’t let the chance to see you pass me by. My boss understood. I really missed you, Kaoru.”  

“I missed you too. You look different now.” Kojiro grinned, flexing his muscles involuntarily, and Kaoru had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. “You’ve upgraded from monkey to gorilla, you big ape.” 

“A handsome gorilla, right?” Kojiro teased, and Kaoru had to look away under the guise of rolling his eyes to hide the blush that slipped uninvited onto his cheeks, because god , of course he looked good. So, so good. “I’ve been working out a lot more. Figured I would get fat from eating so much pasta, and then I just kept on going.”

“I’m happy that you finally got the body to match the brains, you big brute,” Kaoru managed to fire back, nearly trembling because now that they’d started walking towards the airport’s exit, Kojiro’s shirt was fluttering open in the wind and, god, Kaoru was going to die, because Kojiro looked so good. Kaoru hadn’t seen Kojiro for a year, and he’d forgotten just how beautiful he was, and it was almost overwhelming to stand next to him when he looked like that. 

“Where are we going, pinkie pie?” Kojiro asked as they stepped out into the Parisian streets. 

“I planned an itinerary that I think will be to both our likings. Take a look,” Kaoru responded, carefully pulling out the piece of paper containing detailed plans for their vacation. Kojiro grabbed it with an amused smile. 

“A bar? You’re taking me to a bar today?” Kojiro cried, eyes widening. “Since when are you fun, four-eyes?”

“I’ve always been fun, moronic gorilla!” 

✧

After they’d spent a couple of hours walking around the city and after eating dinner at a small steakhouse, they arrived at the bar. 

They’d made themselves at home on the stools lining the counter, ordering drink after drink as they tried to outdo each other, much to the amusement endlessly of the bartenders.  

Kaoru had to admit that he’d been a little worried about seeing Kojiro again after all this time apart. Sure, they texted each other constantly, and had even done a few video calls, but still, Kaoru couldn’t help but be worried that things would be awkward between them. 

It was as if time had frozen, somehow stopped for just the two of them while they were apart, and resumed when they were together again. There were no traces of awkwardness, no weird lapses in the conversation where they didn’t know what to say, nothing. They were Kaoru and Kojiro, same as they’d always been. 

Kaoru’s good mood soured immediately when a pretty redhead sat down on the stool next to Kojiro. She’d whispered an introduction in his ear, he’d introduced himself back. She’d smiled and complimented his hair, Kojiro had laughed, and Kaoru had felt his heart turning to ice inside his chest. She’d reached out to touch Kojiro’s shoulder — damn, this girl is fast — and Kaoru, insides burning with bitterness and jealousy, had tipped back his drink and slammed it back down on the counter a tad harder than he should have. 

Kojiro turned around, surprised by the loud noise, and then proceeded to try to catch Kaoru’s gaze. The pink-haired man turned away as he took out his phone. He scrolled through it aimlessly, trying to ignore Kojiro and the girl without making it clear just how annoyed he was feeling. 

Kaoru had only managed to read two emails before he heard a chair being pushed back and then felt one of Kojiro’s hands tapping his shoulder. 

“Kaoru, are you o—"

“Where’s the girl?” Kaoru interrupted, only glancing up from his phone momentarily to confirm that the redhead was indeed gone. 

Kaoru’s heart dropped to his toes and he tried to maintain a cool facade, hoping to prevent the panic he was feeling inside from showing on his face. God, was he really that obvious? Had his jealousy been so clear that Kojiro had felt the need to send that pretty girl away? 

God, he was pathetic. He hadn’t seen Kojiro for over a year and here he was, jealous, acting as if Kojiro belonged to him. As if the green-haired man wouldn’t much prefer to spend the night with that gorgeous girl instead of with him; stupid, weird, cold Kaoru. It was fucking humiliating, that’s what it was. 

“I told her I wasn’t interested.”

Kaoru felt sick, because that had to be a lie, of course Kojiro was interested, how couldn’t he be? The girl was gorgeous. 

Kojiro had to know. He’d noticed Kaoru’s jealousy. Of course he had. It was so obvious. 

Does he hate me now? 

Is he weirded out? 

“Don’t send her away on my account,” he managed to get out, voice miraculously retaining some semblance of his normal pitch. 

Kojiro looked confused for a brief second, eyebrows furrowing together at hearing those words, and then as quick as it had come the expression cleared. The taller man shrugged, lips smoothing out into a small smile. 

“I came all the way here to see you, you four-eyed idiot. Did you really think I would want to spend the night with some random chick instead of with my best friend? Tonight, I’m all yours, pinky,” he laughed, waving a teasing finger in front of Kaoru’s face, “I’m not that easy to get rid of, you know.” 

Kaoru felt like he could breathe again, relief coursing through every fiber of his body. 

Maybe Kojiro hadn’t noticed Kaoru’s clear jealousy. Maybe he really just wasn’t interested. It seemed like wishful thinking, but still, for the time being, Kaoru would grasp at these small bits of comfort Kojiro offered and hold them close to his chest. 

“I know that, moronic gorilla,” he snapped, playing at nonchalance, “I’ve been trying to get rid of you for the past ten years and yet you’re still here.” 

Kojiro laughed harder this time and ordered them a new round of drinks. 

✧

“No, Kojiro, stop , I—" Kaoru’s protest choked off into a mortified yell as Kojiro hauled him to his feet. The taller man laughed as he pulled at his friend’s arm, cheeks lighting up pink with joy. 

“Yes, Kojiro, yes!” He cried, laughing, as Kaoru tried to yank his arm out of his grasp. 

“Kojiro, you big brute, I’m serious, let me go! Kojiro, I’m going to kill you! Let. Me. Go!” Kaoru yelled, punctuating each word with a sharp kick against Kojiro’s ankles. Sadly, his efforts were all for nothing; Kojiro’s grip on his arm was like iron and, slowly but surely, the taller man succeeded in dragging his friend closer to the dance floor. 

After he’d had a few more drinks at the counter, Kojiro had come up with the brilliant idea that Kaoru should dance with him. Kaoru had protested endlessly, and when Kojiro’s usual persuasion methods had failed, he’d resorted to brute force.

Kaoru was mortified, sure that everyone in the bar was staring at the bickering couple. Kojiro remained oblivious, however, and seemed to have no shame over how he was brusquely dragging his friend in the direction of the dance floor. 

“Come on, pinky, don’t be boring. Dance with me, it’ll be fun,” he sang, smiling crookedly. 

“Kojiro, I don’t dance,” Kaoru snapped, now barely resisting the taller man’s pulls towards the throng of dancing people, having resigned himself to his fate a few minutes ago. 

Kojiro grinned at him, triumphant, once they settled on a spot close to the edge of the dance floor, and quickly grabbed his other hand. Kaoru tried to squirm away again, merely to make a show out of it, and once he was unsuccessful, simply glared at the taller man. “This is going to be as painful for you as it’s going to be for me, you moronic gorilla. Dancing with an unwilling partner is not fun.” 

“I know you’re not actually unwilling,” Kojiro sang, swaying their conjoined arms back and forth to the beat of the music. Kaoru’s cheeks burned, embarrassment sending all the blood in his body rushing up to his cheeks, as the music picked up pace. 

“Just… just one song, and that’s it.” 

Kojiro smiled, bright and lovely and beautiful, and Kaoru’s heart somersaulted in his chest. 

Without warning, Kojiro released one of his hands and twirled him around with the other. Kaoru cried out as his body turned, stumbling and crashing into Kojiro’s chest. 

“You can dance better than that, come on!” Kojiro teased, eyes shining bright with laughter as he separated Kaoru from his chest. 

“You’re the one who’s ruining this!” 

And then they were dancing again, swaying and jumping along to the loud bass of the music. 

In Kaoru’s ideal world, he would have been a good dancer. In his second-best ideal world, he would have settled for Kojiro being good at it and having some of that gracefulness rub off on him. Neither was the case. To his rising horror, not only did Kaoru find out that he was a terrible dancer, uncoordinated and ungraceful, but also that Kojiro was equally as terrible, if not worse. 

To say their dancing was bad was an understatement. “Horrible” didn’t even begin to cover it. 

Kojiro stepped on his foot — hard — as he tried to imitate a twirl the couple next to them had done a few seconds ago. Kaoru stepped away, cursing loudly, and bumped into said couple. Embarrassed, he jerked away and crashed against Kojiro, hitting the man on the chin with his forehead. 

By all accounts, Kaoru should have been embarrassed. He should have abandoned the dancing and should have gone back to the counter to drink his shame away. But he didn’t. 

Control and perfection. Those two words were the backbone of Kaoru’s life; they were what Kaoru strived for in everything he did. In his skating, in his job, in personal relationships. If he wasn’t perfect, he would practice, practice and practice — in private, of course — until he was the best he could be. And this chaotic dancing — if it could even be called that — was against all of Kaoru’s core values. Because he was not in control. Their dance moves were the antithesis of perfection. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, Kaoru found his embarrassment melting away, felt his heart accelerating, sensed his lips tilting upwards into a small smile. And much to his surprise, he found he actually enjoyed this fumbling of arms and feet he was sharing with Kojiro, bumping along to the loud bass of some unknown French song. It was almost therapeutic, really, this loss of control. Simply being, simply going through the motions without thinking, without calculating his every move, letting Kojiro drag him along into his chaos.  

Kaoru laughed, softly, happily, and gripped Kojiro’s arms tighter. 

☼☼☼

24 years old.

I fell in and out of love, 

Oh, it was true again, 

I fell in and out of love, 

But only with you, my friend. 

The soft sounds of cutlery on plates and whispers of soft conversations surrounded Kaoru as he glanced down at the menu in his hand. Eyes roaming over the different options, the pink-haired man couldn’t help the way his lips twisted upwards into a proud smile. 

That day marked the opening of Kojiro’s restaurant, a small italian joint called Sia la Luce. Kaoru had seen firsthand how the green-haired man had spent the past 6 months slaving over the project, from finding a venue, to hiring staff, to working on the menu, and being here, enjoying the finished product… It felt surreal. 

“Hey there, scrawny boy,” a voice whispered close to his ear. Kaoru glanced up, startled, and locked eyes with a grinning Kojiro. “Who let you through the door, huh? I knew I should have hired security.“ 

“Funny, I distinctly remember a green-haired gorilla inviting me… I must have gotten the directions mixed up.”

Kojiro laughed softly, smiling wide, and yet the expression didn’t quite reach his eyes. The taller man was fidgeting with the sleeves of his shirt, smile fading as his eyes roamed over the tables in the restaurant. A small wrinkle of tension settled between his eyebrows, and he seemed to have completely forgotten about his friend sitting beside him. 

Poor gorilla. He’s stressed out of his mind. 

“Kojiro, everything looks lovely,” he whispered, drawing the taller man’s attention back to himself. Kojiro’s eyes widened slightly as a relieved smile settled over his lips.

“You think so? God, I’m worried sick. I’m happy, don’t get me wrong, but running a restaurant is hard.”

“You’re doing a wonderful job.”

“What’s gotten into you?” Kojiro teased, trying — and failing — to hide the ear-splitting grin that those words provoked, “Complimenting me twice in a day? Are you sure you’re not some alien pretending to be Kaoru?”

“Moronic gorilla,” Kaoru huffed, offended, “I won’t compliment you again, then. God knows your ego is large enough as is.”

Kojiro laughed for real when he heard that, some of the tension draining away from his forehead. “Touché, my four-eyed friend, touché. I’m glad you’re here.”

Kaoru smiled. “Glad you invited me. Now, chef, tell me, what is your recommendation?”

“Um,” Kojiro suddenly looked away, “You know what, could you only order an appetizer? Something small.”

“What? Why? I’m hungry.”

“Just...,” Kojiro looked nervous, hands fiddling with the apron at his waist, “We’re nearing closing time. Just trust me, okay? Only an appetizer.”

And then the green-haired man was gone, leaving a baffled Kaoru alone at the bar to go to attend the rest of the guests. Annoyed and confused, but unwilling to go against Kojiro’s wishes on his special night, Kaoru ordered a small appetizer with a glass of wine, that, while delicious, did nothing to cure the hunger gnawing at his stomach. 

✧

One by one, the guests slowly trickled out the door until only Kaoru, Kojiro, and the rest of the staff were left inside the small establishment. Kaoru was really hungry and really annoyed now, sour mood rising with each passing second. 

Is Kojiro… embarrassed? Is that why he won’t let me eat? 

As Kojiro ushered his staff out the door, thanking them for a job well done and reassuring them that he’d close up for the day, Kaoru contented himself with shooting daggers at the green-haired man’s back. 

When the last waiter walked out the door, Kojiro closed the restaurant with a sigh and rested his head against the smooth wood of the doors. He looked utterly exhausted. Kaoru, feeling a tiny sliver of sympathy for his friend, allowed him a minute to catch his breath before he cleared his throat. 

“Is letting your clients go hungry a good way to maintain a business?” He called, only half-joking as he crossed his arms over his chest, “If you were embarrassed, Kojiro, you should have told me to come by another day.”

Kojiro turned around with a start, almost as if he’d forgotten Kaoru was still inside. The taller man’s cheeks lit up with embarrassment as he tried to avoid Kaoru’s glare. With an apologetic smile in the pink-haired man’s direction, Kojiro crossed the room and slipped inside the kitchen without a word, leaving Kaoru to stare after him, utterly outraged.

“Hey, you muscled-brained ape, I was talking to you!” he yelled, annoyance rising to dangerous levels. 

First he doesn’t feed me, and now he doesn’t even talk to me? What the hell?

“Kaoru, look,” came the answering yell, muffled from behind the kitchen’s wooden doors, “Just—just stay there for a second. I know you want to kill me right now, but please, put up with me for five more minutes.”

Kaoru gaped at the kitchen doors, not quite believing what he’d heard, and then, hugging exasperatedly, pulled out his cell phone to distract himself with answering emails. 

Five minutes later, the kitchen doors banged open and out stepped Kojiro holding two steaming plates in his hands. Kaoru blinked, surprised, as Kojiro ran over to the bar, nearly tripping in his haste to reach him, and set down the plates of pasta in front of his friend. He then ran off without a word and returned a minute later with two glasses of wine and an unopened bottle. 

Kaoru stayed rooted on the spot while the taller man collapsed on the seat next to him, inhaling shakily before turning to his friend with a smile. Kaoru glanced down at the plates and then back up at Kojiro, eyebrows raised, clearly waiting for an explanation. Kojiro laughed sheepishly as his cheeks lit up pink. 

“I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting,” he started, voice shaky, and Kaoru pursed his lips, faking annoyance. Truthfully, his bad mood had drained away as soon as the plate of carbonara had been set in front of him. Now, the pink-haired man was doing all he could to stop the smile that was threatening to break out across his lips. “I just… Goddamnit, Kaoru, you’re always late to dinner, and the one time I was counting on you being late, you show up early! You’ve made me look like a terrible host!”

Kaoru narrowed his eyes, barely containing his laughter. Kojiro looked so embarrassed, and he was clearly nervous, and all this was making Kaoru’s heart jump around excitedly in his chest. “Are you really reprimanding me for being on time, you dumb ape?”

“No, I—” Kojiro’s comeback was cut off by his own exasperated sigh. He sighed again, shaking his head in disbelief, before he forced his lips into an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. I wanted for us to celebrate and have dinner together after closing time, because I expected you’d arrive at that time. So, um, sorry for making you go hungry; I assure you I had perfectly pure intentions. And I made you your favorite — carbonara — so… forgive me? Please ?”

Kaoru glared at his friend for a few more seconds, letting him sweat it out, and then he smiled, a mere tilting of his lips. Kojiro visibly deflated; with a groan, he leaned sideways until his forehead was resting against Kaoru’s shoulder. 

Kaoru froze, heart speeding up so quickly that it made the pink-haired man feel dizzy. Kojiro’s skin was warm against his shoulder, heat permeating through the thin fabric of his yukata. 

“You’re scary when you’re angry, you know?” Kojiro mumbled, and Kaoru felt weak at the knees, because Kojiro’s lips moved against his shoulder and it was too much. 

Kaoru had tried to bury his feelings of affection for Kojiro multiple times, so many that he’d lost count. He’d given up on them ever being a couple, back in their teenage years when Kojiro had started dating girls and Kaoru… hadn’t. He’d already accepted that Kojiro would always just be his best friend. And he was fine with that. Really. He would settle for having Kojiro as a friend if it meant he could keep him in his life. 

And so Kaoru had tried to bury the feelings, had hidden them in a deep corner of his brain with all the other thoughts and memories that he didn’t want to think about. And sometimes, Kaoru felt like he had been able to get over it. Sometimes, he would look at his best friend and merely feel warm affection, like the kind he felt for his family and other friends. A warm aching in his chest, something soft and strictly platonic. 

And then moments like these — a mere brushing of skin, a warm smile directed his way, a kind gesture — made the feelings come rushing back to the surface. And Kaoru would be left breathless and surprised, acting as if he didn’t already know that he was totally, completely, hopelessly in love with his best friend. 

Kaoru inhaled, composing himself, and willed his blush to die down. He needed to act cool, nonchalant. Kojiro could never know about those idiotic feelings. 

“I’m glad you’re scared,” he huffed, fingers itching to grab his fork and dig into the large plate of pasta, “Serves you right, you idiotic gorilla. I was planning to murder you if you let me go home hungry.”

“Somehow, I don’t think you’re kidding.”

“I’m not. Now, get off,” he snapped, pushing the green-haired man off his shoulder. Kojiro cried out in protest and Kaoru glared at him, acting as if he didn’t also resent the loss of contact. “Let’s eat, please. I’m really hungry.”

As Kojiro grinned and poured the wine, Kaoru — subtly — stared at him, barely keeping a fond smile from his lips. He was happy, so happy, feeling almost dizzy from the emotions running rampant through his body. Kojiro had made him a special dinner, just for him; the green-haired man had gone out of his way just so that they would be able to celebrate such an important moment together. God, how had Kaoru ever thought that he’d be able to lose his feelings for Kojiro? 

I should have gotten used to this by now.

Kaoru was simply going to have to learn with it, learn to live with being in love with his best friend. By now, it was obvious that the feelings would never go away. They were a part of him, something as deeply ingrained in his being as his love for skating or his need for perfection. Kaoru Sakurayashiki loved Kojiro Nanjo, and that was that. It was certainly going to be more painful if Kaoru fought against it, but he was anything but a quitter. 

Forget about it. Just forget about it. What’s a few more years of pretending I'm not in love with him?

Kojiro finished pouring the wine, flashing a winning smile at his friend. Kaoru rolled his eyes. 

“Please, my four-eyed friend, enjoy.”

☼☼☼

26 years old, part I.

Don’t be scared,

She can’t hurt you if she tried,

Take my hand and I’ll kiss you,

In the light.

Bright lights burned into his retinas, creating soft colorful shapes that danced across his vision. The gentle whirring of a machine rang in his ears and a rhythmic beeping — a heartbeat — emanated from somewhere to his right. Kaoru blinked quickly, eyes adjusting to the lighting, and frowned when he realized that he was staring up at a white ceiling. He turned his head sideways to try to locate the source of that annoying beeping noise and groaned when the movement sent a sharp throb of pain deep into his skull. 

Kaoru’s heart all but stopped. He was… in a hospital? Tall monitors that displayed his vital signs stood next to his bed — oh, he was in a bed — and, glancing down, now with growing horror instead of curiosity, Kaoru realized that his arm was wrapped in a cast. 

Why was he…?

Eyes widened with realization. 

Oh. 

Ohhh. 

The race. He’d raced against Adam. And he’d been hurt. Adam had hurt him. Again. 

“The reason why I didn’t respond to your beef—”

He’d let himself be hurt by Adam. Again. God, he felt like such an idiot. 

“—was simply because it was boring.”

After all this time, Adam still considered him boring. Suddenly overcome with the urge to be sick, Kaoru shut his eyes tightly and counted to ten inside his head, willing his brain to get his emotions under control. 

It wasn’t that Kaoru was still hung up over his ex; he’d gotten over Adam a long time ago and had made peace with their breakup. But still, hearing Adam regurgitating the words he’d yelled at Kaoru all those years ago when they’d broken up — you’re so fucking boring, Kaoru — well, it had stung. It had really stung. It should—

“Kaoru?” 

His heart dropped to his toes. The pink-haired man turned around quickly, head and neck screaming in protest, to find the source of the voice. Kojiro was standing at the door, holding a styrofoam cup in his hand, eyes wide as he took in the sorry mess that was his best friend. Kaoru glared at him, heart still galloping at a hundred miles per hour inside his chest. 

“Moronic gorilla, you fucking scared me. Please, before you speak, stomp around like the brute you are; dammit, I needed some sort of warning . Seriously, what is wrong with you, scaring an injured ma—”

“Kaoru, hey,” Kojiro breathed, voice so soft and relieved and beautiful that it sent the Kaoru’s heart rate into disarray, albeit for a wholly different reason than before. Kojiro set his cup on the table near the door and rushed to his friend’s side, pulling up a chair so he could sit next to the bed. “Hey. You’re awake.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

The corners of Kojiro’s lips twitched upwards uncertainly, as if he wasn’t sure if he could laugh at the joke. He cleared his throat, hands twisting nervously in his lap. “How are you feeling? We—well, Shadow drove, but I came wi—whatever. Sorry. Not important. We brought you to the hospital as soon as we could. You’ve been out for like an hour, and you have a concussion and your arm is broken, so… How do you feel?”

“Kojiro, how do you think I’m feeling?”

“Ah,” Kojiro smiled bashfully, running a nervous hand through his hair, “Not so good, I expect. Do you… do you want anything? Need anything?”

“I assume you retrieved Carla, of course?”

Kojiro laughed then, a sweet, relieved sound that made Kaoru’s heart race. “You’re unbelievable, you four-eyed weirdo, unbelievable. Yes, I collected your robo-girlfriend, don’t worry. She’s safe and sound, charging at my place. What I meant was if you wanted to eat or drink something, you idiot.”

“A coffee would be nice,” Kaoru mused. He immediately regretted ever opening his mouth when Kojiro grinned, triumphant. He walked over to retrieve the styrofoam cup he’d set on the table and, smirking, he handed it to Kaoru, who tried — and failed — to glare at him. Truth was, he was just too tired to pick up a fight, and the coffee smelled heavenly, so he could forgive Kojiro’s smug attitude. Just this once. 

“I’m one step ahead of you, pinkie pie,” Kojiro drawled, sounding way too pleased with himself. When Kaoru rolled his eyes, sipping his coffee contentedly, Kaoru grinned wider. “I guess I just know you too well.”

“After twenty years of being best friends I would certainly hope that you know me well, muscled-brained gorilla. It’s nothing to be proud of.”

“Aww,” Kojiro cooed, eyes brightening as Kaoru realised his mistake, “Am I really your best-friend, four-eyes?”

Kaoru groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose with his uninjured hand, and considered his options. He could lie and throw Kojiro a well-thought out insult, like he always did, or he could… 

“Of course you are, you big buffoon.”

Kojiro’s surprised ‘oh’ and the soft blush that spread across his cheeks made being nice worth it. Kaoru nearly smiled. He was feeling soft today, way too grateful with Kojiro for not only bringing him to the hospital but also for staying, and figured that he could be pleasant for just this once.

“You’re becoming sappy with old age,” Kojiro mumbled finally. His blush had faded somewhat, much to Kaoru’s disappointment.

“I’m only three months older than you, idiot.”

✧

Kaoru sipped his coffee in silence while Kojiro scrolled through his phone, glancing up every few minutes to check in on his friend. Kaoru didn’t miss the clear concern in those brown eyes, and while he normally hated others fussing over him when he was sick — he always felt weak, and he hated that — he couldn’t help the warm rush of affection that surged through his body whenever he locked eyes with the green-haired man. It felt nice — really nice, actually — to have Kojiro’s concern for him be so clear. Kaoru felt cared for.

When the pink-haired man finally set his drink aside, Kojiro got up with a groan to stretch out his limbs. 

“Well… I think I should be going. It’s really late and you should get some sleep.”

Kaoru’s heart dropped. 

Shit. 

I won't be able to fall asleep in this godforsaken place. 

He’d always had trouble falling asleep, even as a child. When he was younger, his mom would sing him a lullaby every night; her soft voice and soothing hands that carded through his hair helped calm down his racing heart and lull him to sleep. As he’d gotten older, his mom singing to him at night had become more embarrassing than it had been comforting, and so he’d started to try to fall asleep on his own. Those were the worst years; Kaoru would stay awake for hours on end, staring at the ceiling, praying for sleep to come. He would stress about falling asleep, and then he’d stress about not getting enough hours of sleep, and then he’d stress about not falling asleep fast enough, and then he’d stress about stressing about his lack of sleep, and then… well. It was a horrible cycle that made dark circles a permanent fixture in Kaoru’s face all throughout his teenage years. 

One of the first features he’d installed into Carla when she was complex enough to be able to do it was the ability to play him songs, more specifically, lullabies. The AI would play a different one each night as Kaoru tucked himself into bed and it had done wonders to help him with his sleep schedule. It was embarrassing, sure, but the good night’s sleep he got out of it was worth it. 

And now, on a night where he would have to sleep in a strange place, hooked up to a machine and with a broken arm, with the events of Adam’s victory still flashing clear through his mind, Kaoru wouldn’t have Carla’s lullabies to soothe him. The pink-haired man felt his heart drop to his toes just thinking about it. 

“Kaoru?” 

A soft voice snapped Kaoru back to the present. “What?”

“You okay? You turned a little pale there… Do you need me to s—”

“I’m fine. Weren’t you going to leave?”

Kojiro hesitated. Stared at Kaoru. Narrowed his eyes. Shifted on his feet. And then he shrugged, smiling slightly. “You know what, I’ll stay for a little longer… it’s not that late anyways.” 

Kaoru’s sound of protest trailed off when Kojiro got up and turned off the lights. He then dragged his chair around the bed so that he was sitting on Kaoru’s uninjured side, and, scooting closer to the edge of the bed, rested his head on the mattress. 

“What are you doing?” 

Kojiro shrugged as he closed his eyes, squishing his cheek against the mattress. “Nothing.” 

“No, you’re—" Kaoru broke off, frustrated. He knew what Kojiro was doing. That idiot probably thought that Kaoru didn’t want to be left alone; he probably thought that Kaoru was feeling sad over Adam’s actions and wanted to comfort him. Sure, Kaoru didn’t want to be alone, but still, it was because of a completely unrelated reason. He didn’t need anyone’s pity. He glared at the green-haired man, who, to Kaoru’s chagrin, didn’t even open his eyes. “Kojiro, if you think I’m… affected by what Adam did, I’m not. You can leave.” 

Kojiro opened a single brown eye, lips tilting upwards with amusement. “That’s not it, that’s not it at all. But do you want to talk about it? About Adam?”

“No, I don’t, you moronic gorilla. I really am fine. Sure, I’m fucking pissed that he sent me to the hospital, but I’m not sad. I’ve made peace with what happened between Adam and I in the past.” 

“Okay. That’s what I thought,” Kojiro hummed, satisfied, and closed his eyes once again. Kaoru stared at him incredulously. Was he… going to fall asleep here? 

“Kojiro, you do—"

“Kaoru,” Kojiro interrupted, eyebrows furrowing together, “Aren’t you tired? Why don’t you close your eyes?” 

What is he getting at? 

“But why are you st—"

Kaoru’s protest cut off into a surprised intake of breath when a warm weight settled across his palm. Kojiro intertwined their fingers, squeezing his hand against his friend’s, sending a wave of shivers up Kaoru’s arm. 

“I always held my sister’s hand when she was sick, you know? She said it was comforting. What do you think?”

“I—Well, it’s—Your hand is sweaty. Gross.” Kaoru managed, who, in spite of his supposed annoyance, made no move to remove his hand out of the green-haired man’s grasp. His palm was burning against Kojiro’s skin, and while all this hand-holding shit should have struck Kaoru as childish and stupid and humiliating, even, his heart was racing like that of a twelve-year-old kid with a crush. 

Kojiro hummed and kept his hand in place.

“Shouldn't you get going?” Kaoru asked eventually when the green-haired man showed no signs of leaving. “It’s late.”

“Four-eyes,” Kojiro opened his eyes again, staring up at his pink-cheeked friend with annoyance-tinted fondness. “Just… you need to rest. I know you have… well, you know what I mean. I’ll stay here. It’s okay.” 

Realization hit Kaoru like a ton of bricks. 

Oh. He knows. How?

I never told him about… Did I?

God, this is humiliating. 

A grown adult who has trouble falling asleep. Pathetic. How is he not embarrassed to call himself my friend?

Kaoru blinked owlishly at his friend a couple of times before he turned away, cheeks burning. His sleeping problems had always been a source of embarrassment for him and he’d never told anyone — save his parents — about them. And whenever he’d shared a bed with Kojiro, even as children, he’d never had much trouble falling asleep. Something about a warm body next to him was a source of comfort that helped ease the anxiety away. So it’s not like Kojiro could have guessed from simply sleeping next to him… So how did he know? 

“I’ve never told you about that,” he mumbled eventually. Kojiro shrugged, still holding on tight to his friend’s hand. 

“I told you, Kaoru, I just know you too well. Now seriously, close your eyes, Doctor Kojiro’s orders.” 

Kaoru grumbled and insulted his friend a couple of times, but eventually he did as he asked. He fell asleep quickly after, palm burning in the places where Kojiro held it gently. 

☼☼☼

26 years old, part II.

I have seen a million faces, 

But it’s yours that I adore. 

“Aw, look at us. We looked so young… You should put your piercings back on, it’ll make you look younger,” Kojiro grinned, holding up a photograph of teenage Kojiro and Kaoru posing with their new skateboards. Kaoru glanced up from his phone to indulge his friend, rolled his eyes, and went back to scrolling through his emails. 

“I already look young, you idiot, I don’t need piercings for that. You, on the other hand… you’re getting wrinkles.” 

“Hey!” Kojiro gasped in mock offense, “Tell me, Kaoru, would an old man have these muscles, hm?” 

Kaoru sighed, shaking his head in disapproval, “Just as I expected, this gorilla is all brawn and no brains nor beauty.”

They fired off a few more insults before Kojiro grew bored and returned to sifting through the contents of the box. 

The green-haired man had shown up at Kaoru’s apartment out of nowhere, bringing a bottle of wine, a pizza, and, according to him, a “bad case of nostalgia.” Using the food as leverage, he’d convinced Kaoru to let him look at all the old photos and other trinkets of the past that the pink-haired man kept stored in cardboard boxes in his closet. Kaoru had made a habit of collecting memories, and every once in a while, the friends would open some of the boxes to reminisce on their younger days. 

Kaoru was barely paying attention to his friend; usually, they would look at the photographs together, but Kojiro was currently looking at the high-school memories box, and that’s where Kaoru had stored all the pictures he’d taken with Adam. He didn’t want to look back on that time of his life, especially since the incident a few months ago, so he’d simply let Kojiro look at them alone while he worked on answering emails and finishing the bottle of wine. 

“Oh, look! These ones are from the social studies trip to California!” Kojiro yelled excitedly, waving a couple of photos in the air. Kaoru nodded noncommittal; he’d seen those photos thousands of times already. 

“Um, Kaoru?” Kojiro mumbled after a period of silence, voice donning an oddly high-pitched tone, “What’s… what’s this?” 

“What’s what?” The pink-haired man asked without looking up, refusing to get distracted from the email he was composing. 

Kojiro cleared his throat and started reading out loud. “Idea number 1: first, take him out to that stupid ramen place he likes, then—"

“STOP!”

Oh my god. 

Oh. My. God. 

Kaoru’s heart dropped to his feet so sharply that he felt like he was going to be sick. He raised his gaze so fast that he nearly got whiplash, eyes locking on a wide-eyed Kojiro. The green-haired man was sitting a few feet away, staring pink-cheeked at the journal he was holding in his hand. 

“Kojiro, give me that,” Kaoru gasped, feeling faint. 

I’m going to be sick. 

Kojiro raised his gaze for a moment, lips parted slightly in surprise or shock or some other unknown emotion, before he looked down and continued reading. 

Oh my fucking god. I forgot about that. 

“Kojiro!” Kaoru yelled, harder this time. He was on his feet in an instant, immediately running over to his friend’s side to try to snatch the journal out of his hands. Kaoru reached an arm out, fingers nearly brushing the notebook, before Kojiro cried out in protest and held the journal out of reach. “Kojiro, that is personal, give it back now!” 

“No!” The green-haired man tried to hold off a mortified Kaoru with one hand as he held the journal in the other, eyes widening as they quickly roamed over the words in the page. Kaoru’s heart was hammering against his chest so hard it was nearly painful. He felt sick. 

“You idiotic, meddling, muscled-brain gorilla, give it back,” Kaoru cried and finally he was able to snatch the notebook out of the taller man’s hands. He immediately ran to the opposite corner of the room before Kojiro could counterattack and stuffed the journal into his pocket, cheeks burning with embarrassment.  

Shit, shit, shit. My life is over. 

“Kaoru,” Kojiro was openly staring at him now, eyes wide and lips parted with surprise, “You had a crush on me?” 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kaoru hissed, narrowing his eyes in an attempt at nonchalance, “Of course I didn’t.” 

Fuck. I didn’t remember writing that in the journal… I thought I’d burnt it. 

Fuck.

“Kaoru, that page was literally titled ‘How to confess to Kojiro.’ You had feelings for me.”

Dammit, dammit!

“Oh my god,” Kaoru turned his face away, cheeks burning. He’d never felt as mortified as he did at that moment. “I was 16, okay? And you shouldn’t even be looking at that; it was clearly personal, you stupid, nosy gorilla! I don’t even understand why you were reading my journal in the first place, when it’s clearly off-limits!” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kojiro mumbled, completely evading the issue at hand. His eyebrows were drawn together in a comically distressed expression and his cheeks had darkened slightly. 

Oh my god. I’m going to die. He probably thinks I’m a creep now. 

“Well, clearly, I was going to,” he hissed, pointedly glancing down the pocket that held the incriminating piece of paper detailing Kaoru’s many plans of how he could confess to his best friend, “But then you started dating Himari, and then Adam came along, and I just never got around to it.” 

“Kaoru, you should have said something.”

“So I could get humiliated?” He scoffed, rolling his eyes, “No, thank you.” 

“Kaoru, god,” Kojiro shook his head, running a shaky hand through his hair to push it back, “You wouldn’t have been humiliated. You should have said .”

“Believe me, Kojiro, you wo—”

“I liked you too, you four-eyed idiot,” Kojiro interrupted, cheeks lighting up impossibly red as Kaoru’s mouth dropped open. Kojiro laughed awkwardly, eyes darting nervously around the room, and then turned his face away from Kaoru’s scrutinizing gaze. “Why didn’t you tell me, Kaoru? I liked you too! Like, a shit-ton.” 

What. The. Fuck?

“Why didn’t you say anything, you moronic ape?” Kaoru managed to get out, and, god, he was going to die , because his voice came out all shaky and weird and he felt humiliated by how rattled he was feeling. 

Kojiro liked me? He actually liked me? 

Oh my god. 

Kojiro shrugged, cheeks darkening, “I thought you didn’t like me back.”

“How? It was so obvious I liked you.”

The green-haired man chuckled, a sharp, incredulous sound that sent a jitter of nerves coursing through Kaoru’s belly. “It really wasn’t. I… God, you absolute idiot, I only got serious with Himari to see if you would get jealous! And you didn’t. And then Adam came along and… I don’t know. You never looked at me like you looked at him and I kind of gave up hope after that. Believe me, Kaoru, it wasn’t obvious at all. If I’d suspected that I might have had a chance…”

Kojiro trailed off, cheeks bright red and fingers fiddling awkwardly in his lap. Both men stared at each other for a few seconds, faces equal parts mortification and embarrassment, before they both let out awkward laughs. Kaoru cleared his throat. 

Be cool. Be cool. 

“Hah… we were both clueless idiots, then.”  

Kojiro tried to smile, but his face was so tense that his nonchalant act failed miserably. “Yeah… At least I didn’t have an elaborate plan of ways I could confess.” 

“And at least I didn’t date someone just to make you jealous,” Kaoru shot back.

“Your thing was way worse! Mine was a perfectly logical thing to do.”

Kaoru groaned, burying his face in his hands, cheeks burning with shame and mortification because god , of course his thing was worse. Why did he always have to be weird and fuck everything up? “If you hold this against me, moronic gorilla, I will personally murder you. Take this as the official warning.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m just teasing. Don’t lose sleep over it, princess, my thing was embarrassing too,” Kojiro waved him off with his hand, trying to school his face into a more sincere smile. 

They stared at each other for a few more excruciatingly awkward seconds before Kojiro cleared his throat. “So… what made the crush go away?” 

“What?” 

“What made it go away? Was it Adam? Or… or, um, you don’t like the muscles?” 

Kaoru froze. 

Oh my god. What am I even supposed to answer? 

Shit, shit. 

Kojiro raised an eyebrow, expectant, and Kaoru started to panic, because the stupid crush hadn’t gone away, of course it hadn’t, god, how stupid could Kojiro be? He didn’t know what to say but he had to come up with something fast, because Kojiro was staring at him, and he was going to know, and—

Kojiro exhaled sharply, nail pulling nervously at the skin next to his thumb. “Kaoru, just answer the damn question.” His voice was hoarse. 

Kaoru’s mind was stupidly, stupidly blank. 

“Yeah, obviously, it was that,” he settled for saying, hoping that Kojiro would just drop it already. Of course, he had no such luck. 

“What? Adam? The muscles? Which one, Kaoru?”

They stared at each other silently. Kaoru simply nodded. 

I’m an idiot. 

In an instant, Kojiro was on his feet and walking across the room, and then Kaoru’s confused intake of breath was muffled by Kojiro’s lips on his. Kaoru’s mind went blank as warm palms settled on his cheeks, thumbs caressing soft skin as Kojiro kissed him gently. 

Two seconds — too long — passed before Kaoru was able to get his shit together and kiss Kojiro back. His arms intertwined behind Kojiro’s neck and long fingers twisted soft strands of green hair as Kaoru pressed himself closer to his best friend, overwhelmed, drowning, in the taste of Kojiro. 

Kojiro, Kojiro, Kojiro. 

Kojiro lowered a hand down to Kaoru’s back just as Kaoru tried to pull him closer and they stumbled, lips parting as Kaoru’s feet slipped in his haste to kiss the taller man more deeply. Brown eyes met gold, both surprised, and then Kaoru was laughing. He was laughing out of surprised happiness, because Kojiro had kissed him and ohh, Kaoru had been imagining this moment ever since they’d shared their first kiss more than ten years ago. God, he loved Kojiro so, so much. 

Golden skin darkened with red as Kojiro stared wide-eyed at Kaoru, lips quirking upwards into a wobbly grin before he was laughing too, arms winding tighter around Kaoru as he pressed the smaller man against his body. 

Kojiro, oh Kojiro. I love you. 

“Kaoru,” Kojiro whispered once the laughter had died down, separating their bodies ever so slightly so that he could lower his face to press kisses across Kaoru’s burning skin. 

“Kaoru—"

A kiss on his left cheek. 

“—you’re so—"

A kiss at the crest of his lips. 

“—beautiful—"

A kiss under his chin. 

“—You’re the best thing—"

A kiss over his right eyebrow.

“—that’s ever happened to me.”

“Oh my god, Kojiro,” Kaoru twisted his face away, cheeks burning so badly that he was sure steam would come out of his ears any second now. Kojiro grinned against his neck, peppering the area with soft kisses that made Kaoru’s heart flutter. “Stop that, you sappy old gorilla!”

I can’t believe this is happening. 

This must be some sort of dream. 

“Kaoru,” Kojiro whispered, warm breath ghosting across Kaoru’s cheeks as he cupped the pink-haired man’s face between his palms, “I’ve wanted to kiss you ever since I found out what kissing was. I’m definitely not going to stop being sappy, so please, shut up.” 

Kaoru’s cheeks burned and then they were kissing again, breaths mingling and bodies pressed so tight together that Kaoru didn’t know where his body ended and Kojiro’s started. 

I’m kissing Kojiro. Oh my god, I’m kissing Kojiro. 

“It didn’t go away,” he whispered between kisses, tangling his fingers in his partner’s hair. 

“What?” 

Oh Kojiro. You’re all I ever wanted. 

“My crush on you,” he continued, voice muffled by Kojiro’s lips, heart bursting with love for the man in front of him, “To answer your question. It never went away.” 

“Good,” Kojiro whispered back, arms winding tighter around Kaoru, “Mine didn’t either.”