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There was a time in the past that Kazuha cherished his name, it symbolized his family clan and he was beyond honored to be bestowed with this honor and he had been proud of his family's legacy, proud of the name and proud that he would be the next samurai.
However the name soon became an empty husk; held together by nothing except sheer will. It was at that point that Kazuha completely disregarded his first name, he was no longer a part of his family clan and no longer believed in the aeons of tradition forcefully ingrained within his mind from an early age. Kazuha felt as if that name was no longer his, anchored down with years of war, suffering and anguish in a land he no longer called home.
When Tomo was still alive Kazuha didn’t mind the other teasingly addressing him as such, but after his dear friend had died, he couldn’t stand the name. He despised his name and all it held, to the point that he was unable to write his full name without a slight quiver, scribbled to the point that it was indistinguishable.
Instead, he introduced himself without his family name, this became a habit, starting at the docks with Beidou and ultimately, becoming his immediate response.
Beidou was the only one to find out his real name, while signing the contract to travel with the crux.
“Sign this document and we’ll be on our way.” The captain instructed, violet eyes studying him percuralily. Her interest had immediately peaked as soon as she had met the other, he had been secretive and mysterious, telling little about his background and yet, she didn’t feel he was dangerous. So she asked him if he would like to join the crew.
Kazuha’s scribbled signature sat upon the dotted line, he willed his callused hands to cease the trembling, as he handed her the flimsy paper, the lump in his throat growing at her puzzled look as she peered at the signature.
“My full name is Kaedehara Kazuha, but I don’t like it,” the wanderer’s voice was hesitant as he answered the unasked question, “I don’t like my first name.”
Kazuha didn’t know what response he had expected, but the welcoming smile and large hand ruffling his snow-white hair was definitely not expected.
“Welcome aboard, Kazuha.” Beidou responded, her tone light and cheerful.
The many months he had spent travelling with the Crux had the anemo user finally entertaining the thought that perhaps, this was the place he belonged. As he settled into the day to day routine, the rest of the crew treated with more care than his own family ever did; and he viewed them as such.
There were days he spent with the children, playing hide and seek or showing off his elemental abilities to see their gleeful and astonished faces flushed pink as the wind teased their hair into knots. Other days he helped as best he could, fliting to and fro, helping with errands and other tasks as best he could, whether it was cooking, cleaning, defending the ship from bandits or even advising Beidou on weather conditions. He loved it, it felt so right.
However, Kazuha’s mind never strayed far from Inazuma and thoughts of Tomo haunted his very core, day and night; resulting in Kazuha suffering a bone-aching fatigue.
The dull vision hidden deep in his pocket and the bandages hiding the burns of that day were everyday reminders of the failure that he was and this resulted in constant thoughts of self hatred, which lead to depression.
He could’ve saved him, should’ve convinced Tomo to run away with him.
And yet…
He watched and ran, like a coward.
The result?
He was alive, while Tomo was…
On one moonless night, Kazuha had awoken suddenly, scarlet eyes shooting open as he bolted upright, Tomo’s name on the edge of his lips. The memory was fresh on his mind, tears blurring his vision as his eyes bored into his bandaged hand. The samurai’s watery eyes focused on the milky white vision glinting on the bedside table and he broke down, he shook like a maple leaf fallen from a tree, tears rolled down his cheeks as he sobbed. The man was a hysterical mess, the self hatred and guilt swirled in his mind; suffocating.
He killed Tomo, it was all his fault.
The realisation had dawned upon him and his breathing picked up, a whine arose from his throat and a deep panic bloomed.
He couldn’t breathe!
He couldn’t…
The panic attack escalated and he realised that the gasps and horrid wheezing were from himself, his hands threaded into his soft hair, pulling hard as a white noise settled into his head.
Kazuha didn’t hear the urgent rapping at the door, didn’t notice Beidou rushing towards him, panic and concern evident on her face.
“-Kid, you need to breathe” Beidou urged, her hand a warm presence on the small of his back and her voice breaking through the thick sludge of his mind.
I can’t, he wanted to reply but his voice wasn’t listening to him.
“Breathe with me,” Beidou’s soft voice directed.
“Breathe in” Kazuha took a shallow breath in, fighting the growing panic to breathe out, but he trusted Beidou.
“Breathe out.” He shakily exhaled as she did, his head throbbing as they continued those simple instructions, until his breathing evened out.
“You with me kid?” Beidou asked, the fog finally lifted from his mind.
Kazuha hunched under her soft gaze, face flushing with embarrassment at what she had to see.
“I apologize, I didn’t mean to...”
“No, don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong.” The captain interrupted seriously.
Her warm palm rubbed soothing circles into his back and Kazuha unconsciously relaxed.
“Kazuha,” she spoke, only continuing when his red-rimmed eyes met her warm caring ones. “You don’t have to tell me anything, but just remember that I am here for you. I think of you as a part of my family and I want to help you.”
Those words themselves almost sent him into tears again, apart from Tomo, he was unable to remember the last time someone had treated him with such kindness.
As the weeks passed Kazuha began to let his walls down and began the slow process of healing. The samurai didn’t tell her about Tomo; the wound was still too raw and tender to discuss what occurred, instead he told her about his insomnia and nightmares, and his lack of appetite.
(He failed to mention the overwhelmingly crushing feeling that he didn’t deserve this. Didn’t deserve to be surrounded by these caring, loving people while he himself killed his best friend.)
The electro user guided through countless panic attacks, she always snuck him small snacks throughout the days so that he had at least had some kind of sustenance. Beidou repeatedly told him that the crew and her cared about him and that they would always care about him. The kind gestures helped keep his head above the tsunami of dark thoughts, blooming a fuzzy feeling in his chest at the fact that although she didn’t know specifics in his dark past, but she still supported.
(and he bet that she had an inkling, he was from Inazuma for pete’s sake. Nothing good ever happened there.)
As the port of Liyue came into view, Kazuha surveyed the scenery with a look of awe. The ombres of orange to green leaves danced in the wind, the mountain peaks outstretching in the background, seemingly reaching towards the heavens.
The wind tousled his hair and he caught the lingering scent of maple trees.
The anemo user stood at the bow, an outstretched smile framing his face as he attempted to commit the view to memory.
“It’s a sight, isn’t it?” Beidou leaned on the railing, glancing at the harbour with a fondness that could only be described as a joy of returning home.
“It’s beautiful, I will grace you with a poem soon.”
The chuckles of laughter were stolen by the wind, the electro user watched as the crew prepared to dock.
“C’mon kid, I’ll give you the official tour.”
Kazuha adored Liyue, at first he was confused at the sheer sight of vision users, roaming around the city freely. When he addressed his confusion to Beidou she responded in a resigned sadness;
“Kid this is a normal sight.”
At first, Kazuha was filled with apprehension, hand hovering over his katana at the thought that despite the fact that Liyue seemed safe, he would be naive to think that the vision hunt decree wouldn’t somehow catch wind of his plans and end up ambushing him. However, as the days blended together he stopped worrying about such things and started enjoying himself.
Beidou introduced him to countless of her companions, so much so that recalling specific names made his head spin. Kazuha did however, become close to Xingqiu instantly; each to their love of books and poems resulting in excitable conversations that would bore others half to death.
Kazuha had been dragged many a time to Xiangling’s restaurant and he was subject to frequent experimental meals, which reduced him close to tears at the sheer spiciness. Beidou had cackled at his expression, tipsy on the beer held tightly in her hands and he couldn’t help but down his own drink in one gulp, trying to quell the fire within his throat.
As he grew familiar with the people around the city, he helped out with simple commissions, content with wandering around the peaceful serene landscapes helping disperse gatherings of monsters and such.
And yet, throughout it all the guilt smothered him, leaving him unable to enjoy it all with the hollow feeling in his chest.
He shouldn’t be this happy.
Tomo was dead and yet he was making it seem as if nothing had happened.
Kazuha had lied to Beidou and had reassured her that his nightmares had decreased and he was finally getting peaceful slumbers.
(This was the complete opposite of the truth, his nightmares had grown with such frequency, he struggled to keep alert during the day.
His appetite had also decreased, to the point that he had to force himself to consume the dinners when the captain's eyes were trained on his bowl.)
During a typical night of consuming thoughts, Kazuha decided to take a stroll through the harbour, hoping it may quell his mind. The wanderer’s footsteps echoed through the streets, he stopped to offer greetings to the business owners packing up for the night, helping them close up for the night.
Tomo’s vision now dangled upon his neck, the chain gifted from a commision, it was a constant lonely reminder of what happened.
His eyes lit up in recognition as his sunset eyes spotted a familiar member of the crew exiting the bar, he waved a hand in greeting but before he could approach the other, another voice reached his ears behind him.
“Well, well if it isn’t Kaedehara.”
Kazuha felt an icy chill run through him, cursing himself for leaving his weapon back on the ship, as his stomach dropped.
Archons he was stupid for thinking that he was safe here, that the shogun wouldn’t find him.
Forcing his hands into fists so that the shogun’s right hand man wouldn’t spot the weakness, he turned around and with sheer will he forced a smile.
“Hello Somo” Kazuha replied, trying to swallow that lump in his throat, he kept his head high; eyes raking over the figure swallowed in darkness.
The taller man was illuminated in the light of the lanterns as he stepped forwards and Kazuha had to push down the immediate thought of how much Somo looked like his brother. The strawberry hair was loose, hanging down his back and instead of the kind violet eyes he had memorized, he was left with rage filled eyes with pure hate, directed at himself. The familiar purple haori of those that served the shogun was adorned and Kazuha felt sick at the sight.
“Kaedehara.” The man repeated, his voice a snarl, indigo eyes narrowed in hate.
Kazuha wasn’t able to control the flinch as he heard the name that he had discarded so long ago.
“I don’t go by that name anymore, I go by Kazuha now.”
Somo tilted his head, face covered by darkness in the swaying lanterns, a dark expression on his face.
“Hmm,” Somo retorted. “That’s too bad, my brother loved it.”
Kazuha stepped back as if he was struck, biting his inner lip so hard he could taste the metallic tang of blood.
“I thought you were still in Inazuma.” Kazuha managed to choke out, his throat barely co-operating.
Somo stared at Kazuha unamused, the atmosphere thick with danger.
“Well, Kaedehara I was. But after you killed Tomo, I was sent to hunt you down.”
Kazuha should’ve expected the retort, and yet it hurt. It was worse when his thoughts were reinforced by someone else.
It was his fault, he knew that from the very beginning, but why did his heart ache as Tomo’s brother confirmed it.
The anemo user realised that the younger was waiting for a response, his head bowed, snow white hair covering the burning tears of guilt, shame and self hatred;
“I’m...” He began shakily, before he was interrupted.
“Save it,” Somo snapped in rage, “you’re apologies won’t bring him back.”
The silence stretched and Kazuha was finding it harder to breathe.
“Why?” The samurai finally found the courage to look at Tomo’s brother. “Why did you join her? She killed him.”
Somo growled inhumanely, stepping forwards menacingly, eyes glinting with a dangerous edge.
“How dare you!” The blonde seethed, fury rolling off him in waves; “The shogun did nothing wrong, you were the one that filled his head with pathetic thoughts of freedom and rebellion. You were the one that watched as he told you his plans, you were the one that ran like a coward as he died.”
Every breath became a challenge, he could feel the panic attack building. The tears overflowed, overflowing like a waterfall.
Somo was right and yet, it burned.
It hurt so much.
“I...” The word a barely audible whisper in the darkness.
“Save your excuses.” Somo smoldered with rage, his hand clenched in Kazuha’s collar, pulling the anemo user towards him.
The two were both trembling, one with pure hate and resentment, the other with anguish and self hatred.
It was at that point that Somo felt a bulky object underneath Kazuha’s haori.
Pure fury raged through Somo at the sight he saw, gripping the flimsy chain he yanked and in one swift moment, it broke and he held his brother’s vision in his hand.
“No!” The wanderer rushed to grab the precious vision off of him, eyes desperate as the other regarded the monochromatic electro vision.
“You have some nerve, Kaedehara.” Somo finally responded and without much care he dropped the dead vision on the concrete, watching the cracks splinter on the glass.
“No!” exclaimed again in pure anguish, emotions strangling him, tears unrelenting as he immediately bent down to grasp, yearning to have the cold vision in his hands.
The samurai flinched at the freezing pressure of metal at his neck.
“Hand me your vision.” Somo ordered, voice deadly, face contorted into a sinister look that sent shivers down Kazuha’s spine.
Fumbling he handed his emerald green vision, that seemed to beg him to do something and yet, like a coward once again. He handed it to the other and watched alarmed when Somo tossed it away from them, letting out a breath as it fell onto a patch of soft grass.
“Kaedehara Kazuha, you are under arrest for treason and will indefinitely return to Inazuma to be executed.”
.
.
There was a persistent knocking at the door that awoke Beidou from her peaceful slumber, grumbling and cursing she flung the door open; a grouchy look of impatience crossing her face.
“I swear the ship better be sinking.”
“No. Captain.” The crewmember spoke in a rushed tone, hands fidgeting under her unamused gaze.
“Then tell me what was so important that you had to wake me up.” She waited impatiently, arms crossed feeling irritation creeping up on her.
Beisou loved her crew more than anything, but if it was one thing every crux member knew, it was that Beidou was very cranky when woken up.
“It’s Kazuha, he may be in trouble.”
Beidou immediately straightened up, striding back into her room to grab her claymore and scarlet cloak.
“What happened,” she asked, focusing on the other as he retold her what occurred as he left the bar.
“The other man called him Kaede-something.”
Beidou shoved down the panic and motioned for the other to lead the way, a protective feeling overcame her, Kazuha was a part of her crew and to hell if some shit from Inazuma thought they could threaten him.
.
.
Kazuha’s heart thudded in his chest, quaking at Somo’s declaration, he should’ve been expecting it and yet, it still shook him to his very core.
He didn’t want to die!
The thought immediately made him descend into guilt, because wasn’t death what he deserved?
A life for a life.
And yet, he wanted to stay with the crux. He wanted to continue meeting others, while discovering new places.
He wanted to stay with his family.
“This is not something you have a say in Kaedehara. This is your punishment and my revenge.” Somo spat venomously.
“Get the hell away from him.” The familiar voice almost made Kazuha sob in relief. The threatening voice was a different side to the cheerful captain everyone knew and yet it wasn’t unexpected because everyone was aware of how protective she was of her crew, the claymore sat atop her shoulder, electricity thrumming through her veins.
“I don’t know who the fuck you are, but this is none of your buisness. This man is wanted for treason in Inazuma.” Somo shot back, beyond irritated at being interrupted.
“I will give you 5 seconds to let him go.”
Somo stared at Beidou, catching the wrathful gaze. The blonde tipped his head back and laughed, knife pressing harder into Kazuha’s neck and a bead of blood.
Beidou’s eyes flickered in concern at Kazuha, who made no reaction to the sharp pain.
“Oh, I see,” Somo spoke, tone filled with amusement. “You made yourself a friend, Kaedehara.”
Kazuha didn’t respond, his vision obscured with tears.
“He’s your friend?” Somo asked rhetorically, “Do you have any idea what he has done?”
Somo’s deep amethyst eyes regarded the captain with scrutiny and his eyes were drawn to the indigo vision illuminating the pitch dark night and Somo’s lips outstretched into a manic grin.
“An electric user,” Somo mused, knuckles turning white as he clenched the knife so much that the handle dug into his palm.
“You really know how to pick them.”
“He’ll kill you in the future, just like he killed his best friend.” Somo directed at Beidou, unbothered by the sheer murderous gaze she directed at him.
“Let. Him. Go.” She growled, her claymore in a death grip.
And although Somo was filled with thoughts of revenge, he knew that he couldn’t beat a vision hunter, he was at a disadvantage but there would always be another time. With that thought, he prayed to Baal, the effect was immediate and the thunder bolt came down, before it consumed him, in one swift motion he plunged the knife deep into Kazuha’s stomach.
“You deserve this, you fucker.” He snarled in the other’s ear, a deep satisfaction at the whimpering gasps of pain Kazuha let out and the lightning struck, leaving Kazuha alone.
Beidou rushed forwards, Kazuha was already crumpled on the ground, his clothes soaking in a layer of blood, his breaths too shallow as his eyes drooped closed half lidded with pain.
“Kid, kid stay awake. Stay with me!” Beidou urged, voice wavering as she begged him to stay awake.
“Eidou?” The other slurred, glancing at the captain, as she pressed on his wound.
“I’m here, stay with me.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t a good friend.” He managed as a hoarse whisper.
“No no no,” she spoke, tears gathering at the edge of her vision.
“I’m not losing you kid.”
Grimacing in pain, he lifted his hand towards Tomo’s cracked vision, hand falling limp as he welcomed the growing darkness.
.
.
.
Kazuha awoke with a start, groaning at the throbbing in his head.
Beidou was at his side in an instant and handed him a glass of water as he coughed, flinching in pain at the pressure on his side.
“Take it easy kid,” Beidou instructed, helping him hold the cup and bring it to his lips, his shaking hands too weak to manage the action himself.
“Are you ok?” His voice trembled out as he regarded the captain’s dark bags and messy hair.
“Shit, kid. You got stabbed and you’re asking me if I’m ok?” Beidou was speechless in disbelief.
The two lapsed into silence, Kazuha’s hand moving down to his stomach where he could feel the stitches.
“I thought I had lost you,” Beidou finally confessed and Kazuha looked at her in shock. “You were bleeding and I thought you were going to die.”
Kazuha shifted, squirming uncomfortably, the stitches a sharp pain in his side, thinking about how to respond.
“Would that be so bad though,” he finally mused, Beidou’s face had slipped into one of panic and alarm and before she could respond he continued, wanting to finish his part.
“I mean, I don’t understand why you’re still here, Somo told you what happened, what I did. I killed…” The wanderer trailed off, clearing the lump from his throat before continuing and ignoring the way his hands shook.
“You know what happened and yet you’re still here. Why?”
Beidou felt her heart wretch at the words he spoke, archons the universe was cruel. Kazuha himself was so young and yet felt more hurt than most adults.
“Kazuha, I don’t know what happened in your past, so I can’t imagine what you're going through. As for the reason I’m here, I care about you.”
Kazuha blinked at that and as the words settled in he stared at her, confused.
“What?”
“You are a part of my family, I care about you.” She repeated, ignoring the feeling of sadness at his puzzled expression.
“You care about me?,” his eyebrows scrunched together as if he didn’t understand what she had said. “But, how can you trust me? How can you say that? I don’t understand.”
Beidou sighed softly, when was the last time someone had told the kid that he was cared for?
“I don’t know the full story of what happened and frankly nothing changes my opinion of you. From the months at sea, I see you as a little brother and I trust you with my life Kazuha. You have saved many lives including mine from storms and violent waves. So many people care about you.”
“What do you mean?” Kazuha questioned, still reeling at the fact that Beidou thought of him as a brother.
Beidou ruffled his hair, grinning;
“Your friends left gifts when they heard what happened.”
“Friends?”
He cocked his head to the side, as if he didn’t understand what that meant.
Beidou gestestured to the table next to him that Kazuha didn’t notice, a small pile of boxes piled upon each other.
“Xiangling left some food, Xingqiu left a few books and Chongyung made sure to create some talisman to stick on your door.”
Beidou shifted closer to him, dragging out an object out of her pocket and placing it carefully in his hands, he stared at it in shock, unable to form coherent words.
Tomo’s vision sat in his hands, in perfect condition.
“Wha...How?” Tears formed as he stroked the milky white surface.
“I know how much it means to you kid.” Beidou spoke gently, eyes widened in alarm as he launched himself at her. Sobbing as he clung to her neck, after she got over her surprise her arms enveloped his thin frame, rubbing his back as he cried.
The warm feeling of belonging enveloped Kazuha.
People cared about him.
It was at that moment that he removed his arms, glancing down in embarrassment.
“I’m...”
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry.” Beidou scorned and Kazuha grinned sheepishly.
It was then he noticed that a book was open on the chair Beidou had sat on.
“I’d never thought I’d see the day of captain Beidou reading.”
“I do read occasionally, as long as it's not poetry.” She answered, chuckling at his quips.
That was the Kazuha she knew.
He gasped as if he was hurt, “I thought you like my poetry!”
In response, Beidou rolled her eyes, a fond smile on her face.
“Yeah yeah, sure kid.”
Standing up she stretched her limbs, “I need to get the medic to check your stitches, I’ll grab you some food Xiangling left you, that’s not spicy. You must be hungry, it’s been 2 days after all.”
As the captain turned to leave he called out;
“Thank you Beidou.” He was ever so grateful for her and the crew.
The electro user glanced back at the one she thought of as a brother, a soft smile on her face.
“I hope one day that you see that we care about you as much as you care about us. And maybe, one day you can open up to me.”
Kazuha stroked the vision, his mind reflecting on a conversation he had with Tomo seemingly aeons ago.
“What do you want in life?” Tomo had asked out of nowhere, interrupting Kazuha’s peaceful mullings of yet another haiku.
They sat underneath their maple tree, watching the clouds swirl by, the birds chirping in the distance.
“What do you mean?” The samurai opened one eye to study his friend, watched as he stared at the sky with a fondness unmatched to anything he had ever seen before.
“In life,” Tomo explained, a soft smile as he regarded Tama, the cat batting the leaves as they fell. “What do you want, what is your dream?”
Kazuha sighed, these kinds of questions were normal from Tomo, who was more focused on the future rather than the now.
“I suppose I will be the next heir for the Kaedehara clan.”
“Is that what you want?” The blonde had countered, violet eyes turning to look at scarlet ones.
Kazuha pondered on the other man’s words, then as he decided on his answer. The samurai shook his head, “I want to,” he hesitated “belong somewhere.”
“...” Tomo glanced at Kazuha curiously and he flushed with embarrassment under the stare.
“It’s stupid,” Kazuha mumbled, avoiding the older man’s gaze and instead glancing at the ball of fluff bouncing around the base of the tree.
“No, no please tell me.”
Kazuha sighed, knowing that there was no way he was getting out of this conversation that easily.
“I… want to be a part of something. I want to prove that I matter to people.”
Tomo’s snorts of laughter filled the air.
“See! I told you it was stupid.” Kazuha muttered, face blooming pink with shame.
“No, no I wasn’t laughing at that.” Tomo reassured, “Kaedehara, listen to me. When you finally find a place you belong, you will realise that you won’t have to “prove yourself”. No matter what happens, if they truly care about you they will accept everything, horrible poetry and all.”
“I thought you loved my poetry.” Kazuha grumbled, a pout developing on his face.
“I do, but others may find torture easier.”
“Hey!”
Tomo snickered at the stricken look of mock hurt on Kazuha’s face.
“Just remember to let people in, don’t push them away.”
Kazuha spotted a melancholy smile at the memory, a whisper in the air so gentle it couldn’t be heard unless ears strained.
“I found it Tomo, I found my home.”
A few days later he glanced at the stars, the sea a quiet lull in the background as he thought about all that had happened. Kazuha had heard footsteps approaching and a familiar person stood next to him.
In the darkness he could just see Beidou also glancing at the stars and summoning all the courage he had he started speaking.
“His name was Tomo...”