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It all comes down in a rush.
Hunger. Pain. Loneliness.
They haunt Izuku as he hops from rooftop to rooftop, slaying villains with a cold efficiency he never knew he possessed. Blood becomes a bittersweet companion, streaking his hair and clothes. Underneath nails, the red stains his skin and he wonders if he'll ever go back to his untainted existence. His life of innocence and cheer.
He doesn't dwell on it too long though. It's wishful thinking, he knows it.
He carries on and two nights after he'd left All-might, his mentor, his idol, his hero on that cold, wet road; he gets a message.
His two-way radio crackles and Endeavour's gruff voice sounds alien. Tired and withdrawn and so very soft. The number 1 hero says something and Izuku's existence, already hanging by a fragile thread snaps and he falls.
All-might is dead, the flame hero says.
Izuku thinks the rain falling on him will drown him. He wishes for the droplets entering into his ears to render him deaf. Because right now, right this moment, his heart's beating too fast, too loud, and all he can hear is his pain and the tightening of his own chest.
The radio lies forgotten, dysfunctional with the water entering its system. Same as the state Izuku finds himself in. He can't function, he can't think. Even the intense hunger doesn't hold against the sheer emptiness of his heart.
But the hunger serves as a reminder.
The bento. Unaccepted. Izuku had left his mentor and the lovingly made food behind, because he'd thought that that was for the best. For both of them.
That All-might would be safe, secure and happy when he wasn't chasing around Izuku, always on the tip of his toes waiting for a surprise attack from All for One's extensive army.
In a mindless daze, Izuku walks. He feels lost yet he makes his way back to the people he knows. The people who give him a purpose and aim.
But also the people who expect so much of him. So very much.
Only Hawks and Mt. Lady sit on dirty crates inside the warehouse, too quiet and too solemn. All-might's body isn't there.
Izuku slumps in a corner and removes his tattered mask after days. Underneath it are his eyes, dry apart from the rain that steeped through the cloth.
He's not smiling. Doesn't think he can, ever again.
What would All-might think of him if he saw him now? Saw his successor look so utterly defeated?
Izuku wants to power through this, to not feel so guilty, so broken, so abandoned.
But he can't, because each time he closes his eyes, all he can see is the downtrodden look of his mentor when Izuku had told him to stay behind, told him that Izuku didn't need him anymore.
But Izuku did need him. He always will, because All-might is more than just Izuku's inspiration to be a hero. He's so, so much more.
Tears don't come.
Izuku thinks he's used them all already. Trivial things make him cry and maybe his eyes aren't capable of producing tears anymore. Though somewhere he knows his dehydration is to blame for this.
Izuku has questions too. Many. How did All-might die? When is his funeral? Who all know?
Is it all his fault?
If he was with All-might, could he have prevented All-might's death?
They'll go unanswered for a long time because Izuku doesn't trust himself to speak. Doesn't want to interact and talk about this. Because if he does, he's afraid it'll all become real. Too real.
He can pretend right now. That he's unaffected by this. That it's just a death. And death's a part of life, it's natural, it's inevitable.
But even then, in a corner of his mind, he wishes that he'd been the one to die in All-might's place.
That's not possible now, is it?
Izuku is All-might's legacy, his successor. Izuku has to take the mantle as the new symbol of peace. Izuku can't mourn, can't be upset when thousands are at the risk of dying at the hands of the enemy.
Then why is that Izuku just wants to curl up in his bed, hide under a soft blanket and pretend that he's being embraced by All-might?
Why is that Izuku just wants to cry and sob till his throat becomes scratchy and his voice fails him?
His stomach growls at one point. Hawks drops an apple in his lap.
But Izuku doesn't register any of it. He's in la la land, only it's more darker, bleaker and grimmer.
It's hours and hours later that Izuku finally snaps out of his hazy mind, and stands up to follow the ragtag group of few heroes to a secluded ground. All-might's casket is plain and wooden and thoroughly mundane, not at all befitting of the legend's body it carries inside.
And standing there, rain still pouring down on his battered body and soul, Izuku thinks bitterly.
Sir Nighteye had been so very wrong about him.