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They’d been wandering for over a year now, dipping in and out of different corners of the Midgar slums. Cloud was doing much better, by far. Though, he was still a bit twitchy and not exactly “good as new”, he was much improved from the near catatonic state he’d been in for the first few months.
He still wasn’t sure of everything that had happened to him, and he was occasionally plagued by strange spells of severe pain and stress, or he’d sometimes be kept up all night with nightmares, but he was alright.
He’d certainly tell you he was doing good. He was almost normal, even. It was hard to say if he was “healthy” but he was able to swing his sword at anything that came his way with fantastic precision, and that was all he needed for now.
He sat in the arm chair in their current hotel room, which was scratchy to the touch and smelled like decades of cigar smoke. They’d managed to score a gig topside, which was a sign that their “things going good” streak was about to hit its peak and take a nosedive, so they’d better savor it now.
Cloud bit into a sugary snack cake he’d gotten from a vending machine down the hall. It was pink and artificial strawberry flavored, with a thin layer of cheap frosting.
It wasn’t luxurious, by any means. Whatever topsiders were looking to work with them probably weren’t the richest people in the city, exactly, but they were paying for their hotel. It was a short vacation from the slums. That was the important thing.
Zack was sure this would lead to bigger jobs, though.
Cloud was slouched deep down in his seat, so far that his chin was pressed into his collarbone.
He took another bite.
He heard footsteps approaching the door. However, it was easy to identify them as Zack’s.
Keys and locks jangled, and the door opened and shut again in one quick motion as he returned from his most recent venture down the hall.
“Alright, vending machine chips aren't gonna cut it,” Zack announced, shoving his keys in his pocket. “We need actual food.”
He flopped down on the bed in front of the chair Cloud had claimed.
“Whatcha wanna get?” He asked him, leaning his chin on his hand.
Cloud shoved more of the cake into his mouth.
“Can we afford anything around here?” He asked with his mouth full.
Zack smiled at him.
“Maybe not, but we should treat ourselves,” he said. “I’m tired of being frugal. I want to spend our money.”
Oh, their luck was certainly on its way out.
“And,” he continued. “I think it’d be nice to, maybe, take you on that date I promised you.”
Cloud swallowed. His heart did a back flip.
“What date?” He asked.
Zack’s smile widened.
“Don’t you remember? Jeez, Cloud…” he said, clicking his tongue and shaking his head. “Two months ago when that monster down in sector 4 took a big chunk outta my arm? And it had some kinda venom that messed me all up?”
Oh.
It had been a rough night that had just gotten rougher and rougher. It’d been dark and pouring rain, which had turned the area of the slums they’d been pointed to from dirt roads to slick, flowing streams of mud.
Cloud still hadn’t been feeling great that day, either, with one half of his brain steeped in fog and the other half high on anxiety. He had had a hard time keeping his feet under him and his sword in his hands. He’d really blamed himself for slipping on the wet ground and failing to guard Zack’s back.
He had managed to finish the thing off after getting to his feet again, but Zack had still wound up poisoned and delirious.
Cloud had hauled him up to town on his back, drenched by the rain and covered in mud, and then sat with him all night at the clinic while they treated him.
“I’ll pay you back,” Zack had mumbled, holding Cloud’s hand. “I’m sorry.”
Zack’s face had been flushed deep red and his eyes were barely open. The arm that had been bitten was three times the size it should’ve been and sported a lovely tie dye pattern of purples, blues, yellows and pinks, all ending with his fingers tipped in charcoal black.
“Don’t worry about it,” Cloud had said. “You’ve done way more for me.”
Zack shook his head tiredly.
“I’m gonna pay you back,” he’d mumbled. “How ‘bout a date? I’ll take you out to dinner. I’ll pay.”
Cloud had assumed his fever was getting higher and had gone to get a nurse after that.
“You don’t owe me anything,” Cloud told him, finishing off his snack cake. “You carried me around and wiped my ass for four months. I owe you half my human soul.”
Zack laughed again and shrugged.
“Well, you don’t owe me anything for that.” he said. “But, if you wanted to take me on a date, I wouldn’t say no.”
Cloud felt his cheeks turn hot. He looked away from him. He crumpled the wrapper from the cake in his hand.
“I feel like I’d owe you more than one date,” he mumbled.
Zack rolled onto his back and let out another barking laugh. Then he rolled back to look at him.
“I’ll pay for our first date, then,” he offered. “And you pay for our second. How’s that? Even though you don’t owe me for shit. I wouldn’t turn down a date.”
Cloud slumped even further back in the chair. His face was burning hot. He absolutely knew he wanted to say “yes” to the offer, but felt like he shouldn’t. He didn’t feel like Zack could actually want to go on a date with him. There had to be some other explanation.
He’d spent so much time convincing himself that any affection Zack was showing him was just out of obligation. He didn’t want to get his feelings crushed.
“Why?” He asked.
Zack gave him an amused look.
“Cause you’re cute and fun to be around,” he said.
Both lies.
When Cloud didn’t respond, he sat up on the bed. He crossed his legs under him and gave him a more serious look.
“I mean, if this isn’t the direction you wanna take our… uh… relationship,” he said. “I get that. I mean, we do work together. If you’d rather just keep it professional, I understand. I just thought, um...”
He ran his fingers back through his long dark mane and stared at the floor.
“Look,” he continued. “If I’m just projecting-“
“No!” Cloud interrupted. “No, it’s alright. I would love to. I’d love to go get dinner with you.”
Zack looked up at him with surprise on his face.
“You wanna?” He said. “I mean- Great! Where do you wanna go?”
They spent some time walking up and down the street the hotel was on. They got a lot of odd looks from their merc gear. Most everyone in this neighborhood seemed like they lived pretty domestic lives. They weren’t used to seeing folks like them wandering around.
It was like entering a different world, really. Topside was like it’s own universe.
They eventually settled on a little restaurant a short way from where they were staying. It was small and dimly lit, but the food smelled good and didn’t seem as expensive as everything else.
They ended up ordering several things to share. Perhaps more than they could actually eat.
“I wanna go all out,” Zack said after the waiter left. “We never eat that much. I’m sick of eating scraps. We’re getting paid so much. I want to eat.”
Cloud nodded, sipping his tea.
“You deserve food,” Zack continued, making sure to look him in the eyes very seriously. “I’m sorry we weren’t making that much there for a while. I’m gonna fix things.”
Cloud just shrugged.
“It’s alright,” he said. “Things are hard. We work together.”
Zack agreed silently and drank his tea as well. His brow was pulled tight.
Cloud eyed him, waiting for him to say something. He clearly had quite a lot on his mind. However, he was too nervous to ask him.
They fell, thereafter, into an uncomfortable silence.
“Sorry, I don’t know why I’m so nervous,” Zack mumbled eventually. “We eat dinner together every night.”
He tapped the side of his cup with his index finger. Cloud watched the condensation roll down the glass surface.
“It’s alright,” Cloud said. “Do you, uh, wanna talk about anything?”
Zack chewed his lip. He stared into his drink.
“I’ve got stuff I wanna tell you after dinner.”
He left it at that for now. Their food came out shortly after.
It was probably the most food Cloud had ever seen on their own table. He certainly wasn’t used to eating this much and neither was Zack, they found out. However, they did their best and quickly relaxed into their small corner table.
They weren’t particularly used to enjoying themselves at all, they learned.
Everything on earth had felt off and off and off for the entire time Cloud had been coming out of whatever had been wrong with him. Mako poisoning? Catatonic depression? He guessed it didn’t matter much.
Everything still felt deeply unreal. So unreal, in fact, that Cloud had a hard time worrying about how unreal it felt.
He had been medically experimented on for years and had lost an enormous amount of time to being half-lucid and poisoned? Sure. Sounds just possible and yet impossible enough that there was very little to dwell on. Thinking about it would certainly rip his mind apart and walk him off the nearest skyscraper, so it was simply a dream-like fact that he didn’t think about.
Zack seemed to be taking a similar approach. He was still his optimistic self. He was happy and determined, caring and sweet. He was always ready to use his seemingly-endless reservoir of confidence to make Cloud comfortable.
However, anyone could notice that his eyes were getting tired.
Even now, as he kept up his funny stories and sunny-bright demeanor, it was easy to see he was close to faltering at any time. He was getting exhausted, and all he had to do was trip.
The meal was delicious, and they both decided that they’d had a good evening out. They took their leftovers with them on their way back to the hotel room.
As they were walking, the night now fully upon them, Zack leaned against Cloud’s shoulder just a bit. His touch was warm and welcomed.
“So did that count as a date?” He asked.
Cloud’s heart pulsed.
“Yes,” he said. “That’s what we agreed.”
Zack laughed a little.
“Do you want to do anything else when we get back?”
Yes. The obvious answer was Yes. He just couldn’t get it out of his throat.
“Like what?” He said instead.
Zack leaned against him a little more. That alone sent him reeling. What else could he possibly handle if they did do anything?
“Whatever you’re in the mood for,” he said, quietly.
They reached the crosswalk and waited for the signal. They stood in a group of people waiting to cross in silence.
Once they were across and able to be slightly more isolated on the sidewalk, Cloud answered.
“What are you offering?” Cloud asked. He wasn’t trusting enough of romantic advances. He wanted it spelled out.
Zack just laughed again.
“Well, I think it’d be fun to kiss you, if you’re in the mood for that,” he said.
Cloud could barely tell where he was walking. His heartbeat was so loud in his ears.
Would it be fun to kiss him?
He had never really kissed anyone. He had never done anything. He’d never been on a date. He’d never done anything. He couldn’t tell him that either. He had to lie.
“I think it’d be fun to kiss you too,” he whispered, mimicking the way he’d leaned into him.
Zack laughed quietly this time. Cloud felt his nose and cheek press against his hair for a moment. He then felt his arm wrap around him, pulling him into his side and holding him close.
He felt so safe and warm.
Cloud enjoyed the comfort of his touch for the whole way back to their hotel.
——
There was so much more giddy chatter between the two of them that neither of them really focused on it. They put their leftovers away in the fridge. They took turns in the bathroom taking quick showers.
(They established that there was more on both their minds than kissing)
They laid down on the worn out and squeaky bed together. Cloud wound up on his back, feeling bubbly and nervous, with Zack leaning over him.
His eyes were bright blue in the lamplight, but Cloud could barely meet them. He was busy staring at his lips.
When Zack finally kissed him, it was soft and sweet and careful. The sensation of his lips just brushing his, and then pushing against his own like velvet, and then the smooth inside of his mouth felt like an obvious truth finally being spoken.
The tips of Zack’s fingers caressed his jaw, so softly, turning his head for him, leading him into him. Cloud closed his eyes and kissed him back eagerly. Maybe too eagerly. He wasn’t sure. He didn’t want it to be obvious that he was as inexperienced and desperate for affection as he truly was.
However, Zack’s smooth demeanor slowly turned starving. His tongue pushed further into Cloud’s mouth and his chest pressed down more heavily against him. He put all his weight into kissing him, all his emotion.
Their breaths drew heavy between their mouths. Their hands all clawed at the other, hungrily trying to bring the warmth closer and closer, trying to take it into their chests and bury it in their hearts.
Zack bit down on Cloud’s lower lip and pulled. This was the first pause in a while. They both sighed.
“You’re so goddamn pretty,” Zack said softly. “Who the fuck gave you the right?”
Cloud laughed. (Was that his laugh?)
Zack’s mouth was looking sweet and pink. He could feel his own lips were swollen as well. He closed his eyes.
Cloud laughed even more. (Was that really what that sounded like?)
“You mad about it?” He mumbled back softly. “Gonna complain?”
Zack smiled wide and averted his eyes. Then he came back to kiss him hard and firm on the corner of his mouth.
“Am I gonna complain?” Kiss. “Am I gonna complain?” Kiss. Kiss. “Can you believe this guy?” Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
His lips moved down Cloud’s neck, to the sensitive skin of his throat. In response, he melted even more underneath him, lifting his chin and letting him do as he pleased.
Cloud’s eyes shut blissfully. Each little brush of his lips felt like a shock running through him. It was such a delicious feeling, one he could’ve barely fathomed getting even a scrap of most days, but he wanted infinitely more. He was starving too.
His arms wrapped around Zack’s ribs, and the tips of his fingers pulled at the fabric of his shirt. He dragged his touch over the broad muscles of his back and down the indent of his spine. He hesitated slightly before cupping the sides of his waist, holding him close.
However, a barrier remained. He still was unsure how much he could actually touch him. How much of him was he allowed to take?
He felt his lips and tongue in the pit of his neck. The breath from his nose brushed softly against his skin. His hair was damp and sweet smelling.
Something inside of him was burning hotter and hotter, writhing under his skin. It was almost uncomfortable. It was almost too much.
How much of him could he even bear to take?
A grunt escaped Zack’s throat as he kissed and sucked at his collarbone. It was the most incredible noise he’d heard all day. He wanted that a thousand times more.
How did you even make that sort of thing happen?
Cloud made a small noise as Zack kissed or sucked hard at his shoulder.
Then he came back up to his face and kissed his cheek.
“What do you want to do?” He whispered.
Cloud faltered. He stiffened slightly.
Zack’s breath was soft on his face and his fingers were combing through his hair. He just wanted him close, he supposed. He didn’t have a reference for “want”.
He wound up staring past him at the ceiling.
“It would be fun to get you off if you want that,” Zack said, his teeth against his jaw.
Cloud swallowed.
He thought for a moment. Something was cracking apart inside him.
He wound up just staring silently while Zack made out with his neck. Eventually he came back and kissed him on the mouth, before noticing his hesitation and pausing.
“You alright?” He asked.
Cloud needed to respond. He didn’t want this to stop. How did you do that again?
“I’m good,” he said.
Zack pulled back just a bit and looked at him. He pushed his blonde hair back away from his face.
“You should kiss me again,” Cloud said bluntly. “And, uh, what else did you have in mind?”
Zack laughed and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
“We don’t have the stuff for anything besides oral,” he said, burying his face in his neck again. “So we can start there.”
Cloud bit his lip.
“Maybe someday, though, if you want to do this again,” he mumbled.
He bit his lip harder.
Zack’s arms wrapped further around Cloud’s chest. He sat up and gave him a very amused look.
“I’m asking if you want me to blow you,” he finally clarified. “Just quick before bed.”
Cloud still didn’t know how to answer. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to be confident.
He just nodded dumbly.
Zack looked at him sympathetically and rubbed his bicep with his thumb. He rolled to the side a little, so that he was no longer on top of Cloud and instead laid beside him with his arm draped over his chest.
They sat in silence while Cloud suffered over every little minutiae of his social skills. He hadn’t had many to begin with, but whatever he’d developed before all this had surely atrophied beyond their usefulness. They’d been squeezed and wrung out of him until he’d been left dry.
“I’m sorry,” he said eventually. His thoughts were scrambled. “I want that. I want you.”
Zack softly kissed his temple. Just being held like this by him felt so natural. It already felt like it should be part of their routine. He wondered how it wasn’t.
But at the same time it was so fresh, so new and astounding. There was still so much farther to go.
Zack pulled him closer and Cloud laid his head on his chest. He played with his hair, roughing it up and pulling it back from his face. It felt so nice.
And then he sighed.
“I’m sorry,” Zack said. “It doesn’t feel right. I know I offered, but…”
Cloud glanced up at his face. He was frowning deeply. His eyebrows were pulled together tightly and his mouth was drawn down in a way that wrinkled the scar on his jaw.
“Maybe tomorrow,” he said, still idly tosselling Cloud’s hair.
He continued to look off, his gaze moving farther and farther into the middle distance. His frown dropped further. The circles under his eyes looked especially dark in the gold lamplight.
Cloud wanted to ask what was wrong, but wasn’t sure if that was what he ought to do. It was certainly distressing to see his friend looking like this, though. Cloud wondered if he did something wrong.
Or rather, of course he’d done something wrong. It was more of a matter of “which mistake put it over the edge.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Zack whispered eventually. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sorry.”
Cloud didn’t respond. He just lay his head down in the crook of his neck. Zack’s chest rose and fell anxiously underneath him. He could feel his heart rate rising and his muscles tensing.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m sorry, Cloud.”
There was a long moment where he simply breathed and held him. His fingers slipped out of his hair and rested lightly on his arm.
“I want to feel normal,” he continued. “I want to feel good. I want you to feel good. I want to take care of you. I want you to feel normal.”
Another pause. Cloud just laid limply on his chest, staring at the fabric of his worn out T-shirt.
“I feel fucked up,” he said, frustration in his voice. “Everything’s over. I want to forget. I want it to just be over. I want it to just be really over.”
His fingers rubbed little circles over Cloud’s bicep. His hands were strong and warm. Everything else was very still.
The hotel room was quiet and motionless. The world outside was barely awake. They laid together on this bed, with the only movement coming from their breathing and Zack’s small touches.
“I feel like I want to run until I puke,” he whispered. “I want to wreck something. I want to throw myself into a lake or…”
Cloud listened to the quickening pulse in his neck.
“I want to kiss and fuck someone,” he said very quietly, sounding like he was falling asleep. “I want to feel something. I want to break myself. I want to break myself apart. I want to feel anything.”
Cloud’s fingers clutched at his T-shirt.
“I’m not a good person,” Zack breathed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel anything. I can’t feel anything.”
He stopped speaking. Cloud parted his lips, wanting to respond. He knew what he wanted to say. He knew exactly what he wanted to say. He was just so exhausted.
“I…” he managed.
He swallowed. His eyes fell closed. He wet his lips.
“I don’t feel anything either,” Cloud mumbled. “I don’t feel anything at all.”
He focused on the slow rise and fall of Zack’s chest underneath his cheek. It was soothing, and reminded him that they both had living bodies.
His stomach made a few quiet noises. His skin and muscles were smooth under the tips of his fingers. His heartbeat was everywhere, all around him.
Living. They were both living. They were both living.
“I like kissing you,” he told him. “I like this. I like you. I don’t think you’re a bad person.”
It felt almost surreal to be here with him. He couldn’t believe someone he had so deeply admired would like him this much. Of course, they had been a bit forced together by fate.
“I’m not good either,” he said. “I think you’re one of the best people I know. I’m glad you’re here.”
Zack took in a sharp breath, making his whole chest jolt.
He made a strained noise in his throat. Cloud sat up a bit and craned his neck to look at him.
He was still staring straight ahead at nothing. His face was full of worried creases, his frown twitching and tugging at his scar. His eyes were pink and glistening wet. His breathing was heavy and scared.
“I don’t know what I’ve done,” he said, his voice cracking loudly. “I don’t know what happened.”
Cloud almost couldn’t register what he was seeing. He’d never seen him like this. He didn’t know what to do. All he could do was stare.
“I don’t know who I am,” he croaked. A few tears leaked from his eyes and rolled down to his chin. He bit hard on his lip.
Cloud just continued to watch him with wide eyes. His body became rigid. His mind went blank. His gaze followed all of the lines in his face, all the shimmering reflections in his eyes. What he was seeing registered in his stomach like horror.
Zack’s line of sight remained fixed on absolutely nothing. His arms stayed tight around Cloud’s shoulders, gripping him desperately. Though, it was clear he was now mentally absent.
It took a moment until it occurred to Cloud that he could, and likely should, do something. His mind hadn’t caught up with everything yet. It felt like a dream. It felt like he was somewhere else.
He pushed himself off of Zack’s chest to lay next to him. He hesitated a second longer and he stared at his face. He bit his own lip. He needed to get himself to move, to do something, anything.
He slowly freed his hands from what remained of Zack’s hold on him and brought them up to cup his face. He wiped some of the wetness on his cheeks away with his thumbs.
He had to do something.
He gave him a small, hesitant kiss on the lips, unsure if his instincts were correct.
Zack’s eyelids fluttered. Cloud kept his lips close, just hovering, and held his face firmly in both hands. Mako-tainted eyes flicked down to stare at him.
He kissed him back.
He was just as hesitant at first, but he kissed him deeper and deeper, dragging him into the dark with him.
Cloud took a deep breath and laid his hand on Zack’s waist. He slowly rubbed his back, small circles, anything to soothe him. He wished he had words for him.
However, he knew very well just how deep the sadness probably ran. It wasn’t something he could talk out of him. There really were no words for either of them.
The taste of Zack’s tears suddenly flowed into the corner’s of Cloud’s mouth, just then, though. It dredged up something from deep in his mind, something that hurt terribly. It was dense and vile, and altogether unspeakable.
Cloud tore himself away from the kiss. He pushed himself up onto his elbows and started to edge away from his friend.
“I’m sorry,” Zack said quickly, sadly, desperately.
His pleas stopped him, momentarily, and he took another look at him.
Zack’s eyes were puffy and terrified, and his face was dripping wet. His expression seemed impossibly, almost disturbingly sad. The single light from the lamp in the dim hotel room shown on all his creases, highlighted all his flaws and wear. Half of his face was tangled in shadow, and the other was illuminated by a sickly yellow glow.
The scar on his cheek curled and fought against the muscles in his face as he choked, as he inhaled roughly through his nose.
Cloud couldn’t think for even a moment of how to act or what to feel. He couldn’t figure out what direction to move his body. He didn’t know where to go. There was nowhere to go. They were stuck together in this tiny hotel room, trapped with no one to go to for help but each other.
“I’m sorry,” Zack said again, quietly. “I don’t know what to do.”
He couldn’t possibly leave him, but he couldn’t do anything for him either. All he could do was sit there, frozen on the bed, watching him cry silently about far too many things for either of them to comprehend.
Why even bother asking him what was wrong? Cloud knew very well what was wrong. There were ten million things wrong. Everything was wrong. The world was wrong. It was an exhausting nightmare that had started with Cloud’s home being burned down and both of them being stabbed and it was still nowhere near its grizzly end.
Cloud slowly reached out with his hand, shaking, and brought his fingers to his cheeks again. He wiped away some of his fast flowing tears with his thumb. Zack inhaled sharply and involuntarily.
Cloud had a brief moment of clarity and recalled that there were tissues on the nightstand.
He grabbed two or three and handed them to him. He then just gave him the whole box.
“Thank you,” he said, wiping his nose. “I’m sorry.”
Cloud swallowed.
“It’s alright,” he said.
Cloud relaxed a little, slumped a bit, but didn’t move from where he was. He took a few calming breaths. He watched Zack continue to struggle to stop crying and hated himself for not knowing how to stop it either.
“No it’s not,” he said, looking anywhere but at Cloud. “Fuck… I took you on a date. This sucks.”
He laughed a little bit.
“This is embarrassing,” he continued, a quirk to his mouth that should’ve been a smile. “I’ll repay you.”
Cloud sighed.
“You don’t have to,” he said firmly. “You don’t have to do anything. You’re not obligated to do a single goddamn thing.”
He made himself laugh again.
“I know, but-“
“You don’t have to do anything,” Cloud repeated. “You shouldn’t do anything. I’m just glad we’re both alive.”
He looked a little shocked at his bluntness, perhaps even somewhat convinced if they were lucky.
“Don’t do anything,” Cloud told him. “Take a few days and don’t do anything.”
Zack hunched over a bit, staring at the seams in the comforter. His head drooped farther and farther downward.
“We’re not in SOLDIER anymore,” Cloud said, finding the courage to reach over and push his fingers through his hair. “No more obligations. No more debts.”
Zack relaxed at his touch, melting until he completely sank into the comforter. His hair was soft and still smelled strongly of soap. Cloud seemed to finally be getting somewhere with this tactic at least.
“Nothing left at all.”
Silently, they both resigned to the idea that he would let Cloud pet his hair for as long as it took for him to calm down, until his heart and breathing slowed. Until he could feel again.