Chapter Text
The dim light from the embers was trying to illuminate the Heads’ Office as he feasted his eyes on her. He thought about rekindling the fire to see her more clearly. Would she believe him if he said he was cold in April?
Just the fact they needed more light to see —her face in his case and the parchment in front of her for Lily’s— was enough proof that they’d been here for hours now, paying the price for not doing this in the last two weeks.
He tried not to think about why they were unable to do so, the first weeks of April a black blur in his mind he’d rather not visit.
Lily’s silhouette was a good distraction from his unwanted thoughts, he turned his focus back to it. He was just about to suggest adding more logs to the fireplace, weather be damned, when he realized Lily had been talking to him for a while now.
“—tried putting her with Bones last month but he said he will land himself in the hospital wing on patrol days if we ever pair them again, so we need a new partner for her.”
“How about Selwyn?”
“No, she’s a half-blood, we can’t risk it.
“Fenwick?”
Lily looked thoughtful for a moment. “Fenwick could work.”
Happy that he had thwarted the danger, he went back to his favorite pastime.
“You know, this would finish a lot faster if you were helping me instead of gawking at me from afar.”
“I’m sorry, am I disturbing you?”
“You’re disturbing my concentration, Potter. Either close your eyes or come here.”
Never one to reject an offer like this, he hurried beside her. She had another thing coming if she actually expected this to stop him from drinking her in though. He could see the shadows of her eyelashes now.
“I can help you with that performance anxiety, Evans. I heard imagining me naked should do the trick.” He swallowed the words not that you’d have any problem with it back, afraid even this was pushing the limits.
“Thank you for that mental image.”
They were still pretending nothing had happened then. Fine by him.
She did look a little flustered though, he just hoped it wasn’t in anger. He decided not to risk it anymore, taking advantage of his new proximity to the redheaded witch to follow the freckles on her cheeks. Even he couldn’t fuck this up if he never opened his mouth, could he?
Guess not.
“C’mon Potter, work with me here.”
He’d be worried if he couldn’t hear the smile in her voice. “I am. I came over here, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, to go over the patrol schedule with me,” the smile spread from her voice to her lips now, “not to continue your ogling beside my face now.”
He relented after that; still deathly afraid he could offend her unexpectedly. They went through the rest of the pairs slowly, easy laughter filling the air after a while. Lily was tapping the quill against her cheek, pondering about who to give Abbot as a partner, when he slipped up again.
It wasn’t his fault that the light hit her eyes just the right way when she was pursing her lips deep in thought. He was only human after all.
Still sprawled on her seat, it was proof of just how relaxed she was when she only laughed upon noticing, “Don’t look at me like that.”
A smart James, a James who wasn’t drunk on Lily’s laugh, would’ve never said what he said next.
“Like what?”
But he was far from that smart James now, the knowledge of what he probably looked like slipping through his foggy mind.
Her laughter hadn’t died fully yet when she said, “Like you still love me.”
Ah… Well, he brought that onto himself.
That was the hardest part about being friends with her probably. But it was okay, he had done worse things for Lily Evans than pretending he didn’t love her.
“You serenade your heart out to a girl one time…”
He didn’t bring up the other time the very same words were breathed tenderly in the dark. He wasn’t sure what was allowed yet, their newfound friendship still so fragile, so delicate.
When he realized he couldn’t have her in his life anymore unless he buried his feelings, that’s what he did, the opposite choice looking so unbearable that he hadn’t wasted a second thinking about it. So what if he sometimes felt like a tight fist was mangling his heart? He was listening to her laugh now, wasn’t he?
And he remembered what it was like, in that brief period, where he didn’t even have that in his life. Prefect meetings left abruptly, conversations ending quickly when he entered the room, gaze solely directed to people who could never appreciate them the way he would… He had been starved for her eyes, her voice, her touch. He thought he didn’t have her before, but there was never a time he didn’t have Lily Evans so completely than that damn week.
Which is why he fixed it, really, she left him no other choice. He promised her friendship, swore his feelings for her were gone, vowed to never try anything again. And as a reward, he got her back.
He kept all his promises so far, their past not-relationship (never a relationship) a taboo neither of them touched… until now. Once again Lily was steering the wheel and he was helpless but to follow her lead wherever she took him. Control had never been in his hands, and he was back to looking at her to figure out how he would be hurt next.
He wondered if this was a test when Lily looked satisfied with his answer. Was there a wrong answer to give here? Did he pass?
Lily stretched in her seat unaware of his musings, his wound still too fresh, he kept his eyes away from her this time. “I think we’re almost done here. Look it over one last time and we should be good to go.”
He took the parchment over from her distractedly, giving the schedule a lazy once-over when something caught his eye.
“You’ve put me with Remus.”
Her face stayed impassive but he could see she was fidgeting with her quill. “Uh, yes. Does that work for you?”
Suspicion arousing because of her skittish behavior, he turned his eyes to the schedule to locate her name.
There.
Lily Evans & Dirk Cresswell
“I thought you hated patrolling with Cresswell, isn’t that what you said before?”
She was unable to hide her apprehension now, her face flaming up rapidly before his eyes. “Not–not exactly.” She averted her eyes. “He asked to patrol with me at the last Slug meeting, said his current partner was causing some problems.”
He tried to relax his jaw, knowing it’d make everything worse for him if he proved her discomfort right.
“The schedule looks perfect, Evans. I think we can wrap it up for the night.”
Her relief choked up the room. “Yeah, let’s just close up the office and leave this bloody room at last.”
“Actually, you know what, why don’t you leave closing up to me?” He continued without paying attention to her halfhearted protests, “No, no, you earned it. Let me deal with the aftermath, it’s the least I can do.”
She gave him a relieved smile. “Thanks, Potter.” She was already halfway to the door when she said her goodnights.
He didn’t get up from his armchair right away, eyes stuck on the door she just left.
Pretending he didn’t love her may not be the worst thing he’d done for Lily Evans, but it was surely turning out to be the worst one for himself.