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“Hey Ranboo?” Tubbo murmured, shaking his shoulder. The younger looked up, startled, blinking sleep out of his eyes as he attempted to focus. “Do you think you’ll be able to stream today?”
Ranboo opened his mouth and thought for a moment, trying to bring the words he needed to speak to his mouth. But he couldn’t. He sighed deeply and shook his head, burying his head back in his arms. He really didn’t know how to explain it other than that there was a physical blockage in his throat, something blocking the words from getting from his brain to his mouth and then being verbal expressed. Sometimes, he just couldn’t speak.
“Alright… I’m… I’m gonna try to, but I’m tired.” Tubbo admitted, flopping down on the couch beside his friend. Ranboo shifted a little closer, resting his head on the others shoulder. “I’m worried for you, ‘boo. You haven’t streamed in almost a week, everyone’s getting upset. They miss you.”
He nodded. I know, it conveyed, I know they miss me. But there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Do you want me to say anything about it?” He asked. “On stream, I mean. People are going to be asking.”
Not yet. He wasn’t sure how he was going to deal with this but he didn’t think he would be able to address it now. He didn’t want his struggles to be out there for everyone to talk about.
It had come on suddenly, after his popularity had shot up suddenly- literally within the space of days. He started seeing hate about himself and his content, snide comments about his appearance, just… people being assholes. He started having panic attacks daily, sometimes more than once daily, and he found he couldn’t cope with the pressure placed upon his shoulders. His entire life was in the spotlight.
He ignored it for a while, postponing streams until the tight sensation in his throat passed, let his friends ramble when he wasn’t up to talking and forced himself past the choked up feeling to continue entertaining. But then he arrived in the UK.
He supposed the reason it only happened occasionally was due to his lack of facecam and his ability to keep himself private. Now, he was on camera almost daily. Someone leaked his school and an old photo. People complained when he took a two-day break. It was so overwhelming and terrifiying, and although he was having one of the greatest times he could remember with his friends, the anxiety still built, and built, and built, and then everything came crashing down. About three weeks into his trip, it all came to a grinding halt.
He woke up one morning, unable to talk. Normally, if he tried hard enough, he could force himself past the blockage and murmur something, anything, but now, he couldn’t. He couldn’t even make a peep.
“Boo? Are you alright man?” Tubbo asked, poking his head around the corner. Ranboo had his head in his legs, shoulders shaking. He had just come down from a panic attack and was desperately trying to force some noise from his throat because he had never felt this way before- so vulnerable, so lost and so completely silent. “Hey, hey, you alright man? What’s wrong?”
That was Tubbo’s first experience with it. A crying, shaking friend, unable to explain what was going on for hours before his hands were trembling so much he couldn’t type. It hadn’t improved since then.
Now, it had been a week and he hadn’t been able to speak a word. He had been able to explain to Tubbo, through text messages of all things, that sometimes he wasn’t able to talk but that it had never been this bad before. That he was scared, but he didn’t want anyone else to know because they might think he was weak. So Tubbo promised he wouldn’t mention it, he would simply say that he was busy and unable to stream, but it had been a week.
Back in the present, a hand in his hair caught his attention. Tubbo was playing with it, braiding little strands together behind his ear.
“I think we need to tell someone ‘boo, it’s getting bad. We’ve had to cancel two vlogs, that meetup with Phil, all the streams you were supposed to do this week… Even if it’s just, like, Phil or someone. An adult. Who can actually help.”
I don’t know. He typed. I’ve never told anyone, you’re the only person who knows.
“Yeah, and other people need to know. This is serious ‘boo.” He insisted.
Not today. I can’t today.
“Tomorrow?”
Ranboo let out a breathy sigh, one of the only sounds he could make. Tubbo knew what that meant- maybe.
~~~~
“Hey, you had it for a bit!” Tubbo beamed, throwing his arms up. “Improvement!”
Ranboo could only nod, swallowing the lump in his throat that wouldn’t go away. He had managed a couple of hoarse, whispered words to his friend that morning and had immediately returned to his silent state, choked up in both shame and excitement. He hated this. He was glad to know it wasn’t permanent at the very least, but the shame he felt for putting Tubbo through this only weeks into their meeting sucked. They should have been streaming, going out, meeting friends and fans, but instead he was stuck inside, unable to speak, and Tubbo was fussing over him like a mother.
“Don’t worry dude, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Tubbo smiled. He squeezed his hand. “Are you alright with me asking Phil today?”
Slowly, Ranboo gave his confirmation. They had discussed it a couple of days ago and he only just felt confident enough to let someone else know, and that someone else was Phil. It had been two weeks now since he had last spoken and Tubbo was getting increasingly antsy to ask someone to help, both because he was worried about Ranboo and because the fans were getting more and more nervous. Chat was constantly during his streams and the only thing Tubbo could say was that he was alright, just taking some time. He hadn’t even tweeted, nor messaged in his Discord, because he didn’t know how to explain it.
“You need support ‘boo, support that I can’t provide on my own. I want to be able to help, but I’m out of my depth here.” Tubbo confided. “I love you man, but I don’t know what to do. Phil’ll help, I promise.”
~~~~
“God, Ranboo, this is bad kid.” Phil murmured, pulling the boy in a hug. Tears blurred Ranboo’s eyes at the comfort because while Tubbo had been amazing, having an adult say it only made everything worse. “You haven’t been able to speak in two weeks?”
Ranboo shook his head, sniffling. There was no real way to express why he couldn’t speak, because even he didn’t know. He just… couldn’t.
“So, this has kind of happened before, yeah?” A nod. “But it always passed within a few hours. And now you’re here, you’ve had stress building on you and facecam streams all the time, you can’t speak at all.”
“He managed a few words the other day, and again yesterday, but it was only like… a sentence.” Tubbo added.
“I’m focused on the main thing here- this only started once you started gaining followers. It’s gotten worse and worse the more your life is on the internet, the less privacy you have. The more you’ve got piled on your shoulders.” Phil said gently, pulling both boys closer to him. “I’m guessing here, but I think it’s probably selective mutism caused by all the stress that’s suddenly appeared. You went from a normal teenager to the most subscribed Twitch streamer ever in… what, 8 months?”
Ranboo and Tubbo shared a look- it seemed crazy hearing it like that.
“There’s no shame in how you’ve dealt with it Ranboo, people aren’t made to deal with millions of eyes on them all the time, let alone going from nothing to that within a span of months. You had to have some sort of coping mechanism, it just so happens that this one is… ummm… a pain in the ass, frankly.” He managed a smile. “I’m not sure I can do anything to help, this is a little out of my jurisdiction, but mate, we gotta get you some help. A therapist would be a good start, but addressing it with you fans would be better.”
Inhaling, Ranboo’s felt his heart beating faster at that suggestion. It was the last thing he wanted to do, telling the world about what was going on, but… maybe Phil was right? Maybe people knowing wouldn’t be so bad. Of course, there were going to be people who would weaponize it against him, those people were pieces of shit, but most of his fans were lovely. They would defend him, he was sure.
“The most important thing is to take this at your own pace. Tell people you know and trust first, Tommy, Jack maybe, your parents. Then expand a little.” He smiled. “Anything to help with the anxiety, we’ll do. I promise.”
~~~~
By the time he found his voice again, he wasn’t sure if he had the strength to say out loud what he needed to. He couldn’t explain it verbally to his fans, but by then they already understood why.
It had take some convincing, but eventually he relented and followed Phil’s advice- all of it. He started going to therapy. He actually went to the same place as Tommy, he had suggested a lady that Ranboo had liked upon first meeting her, and over the last two months had gone twice weekly. His trip in the UK was supposed to end a while ago but the support there was too much to leave. He had turned 18, and decided to… simply stay. He liked it there.
And, mostly importantly, he explained to his audience why he had taken a break. By that point he hadn’t streamed in over a month and Tubbo had decreased his own streams significantly in order to spend time together, and his fans were… terrified. Ranboo felt so bad but he knew his own mental health came first.
Hi everyone, his tweet read, I know it’s been a while. Please understand that I want to come back to streaming and will in the near future, but my mental health took a dive not long after I arrived in the UK and I’ve been completely mute since then. (1/3)
I’m currently in therapy. The stress from being a content creator, specifically having my face and body online, was too much and I shut down. I still haven’t completely regained my voice, but it’s much improved. I may appear on Tubbo’s streams in the near future. (2/3)
I’ve seen all your messages of support and I am very grateful for them. I’m sorry for not saying anything earlier, but my mental health and recovery had to come first. Thank you to Tubbo and Phil for helping me so much. I hope to return soon, but whenever I do, see you in the next stream. (3/3)
It was a relief to get it off his chest and out to the world. The stress and anxiety were never completely gone, it was always there, hovering, but it got better. His friends were always there too, and that made it easier.
“Hey Ranboo?” Tubbo mumbled, stumbling from his bed, wiping sleep from his eyes. “Do you think you’ll be able to stream today?”
Ranboo opened his mouth and thought for a moment, before giving his friend a slow nod.
“Yeah.” He murmured. “I think I can.”