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As I cross the eluvian, I hear them talking. In a blink, there’s another statue before me. I gasp in surprise, and that’s when he stops walking, turning to me. He looks determined, yet melancholic. There’s love in his eyes, but I’m sure he won’t falter for a second, he’s ready to sacrifice everything and go on with his plans. We don’t even have to talk. I get it. It’s just too much.
All my emotions are taking over now, there’s no turning back. I quickly come at him, and I see him getting more tense. His frown deepens as he blocks all my attacks, he doesn’t even take a step while doing it. I’m very aware he might turn me into a statue too, but I don’t care anymore. Tears run through my face while I attack with everything I have, focusing all my energy on ignoring the lancinating pain that starts in my left arm and spreads throughout my body.
All I feel is pain, and honestly, I’m tired of it. I can’t forgive him for loving me, yet leaving me alone. He never let me decide, never told me anything, so I could never choose. All I could do was fall deeply, madly in love with him, and watch him go. And after everything we’ve been through, now we’re on opposite sides.
It didn’t have to be this way; we could’ve found middle ground. Still, he wants to do everything alone. He turned his back on me without letting me have a say in the matter. And all my love turned into fury. Now I scream and grunt, coming undone while I try uselessly hit him. I can barely touch the glorious elven god I used to date.
The anchor bursts wildly around my arm, and I growl while trying to at least exploit it’s power to hit it’s creator. He grabs my arm firmly, using his magic to appease the mark. I exhale in surprise, seeing his eyes changing. I’m pretty sure that’s the end. “Please, stop. You’re going to kill yourself.”
Those are the first words he says to me, ever since he vanished. His tone is lower, and much sadder. He is still the polite and kind man I knew, but while to me it passed two years, it’s as if he’s been a decade away. He has completely changed, and now all his being shows the burden the Dread Wolf carries. When I catch my breath, only one thing pops into my mind. “The same.” My voice is as cold as I can make it.
That seems to hit him as if I had slapped him. Good. He’s responsible for all this. He turns his face away in guilt, and releases me. I fall to my knees, exhausted by the pain. He quickly catches me, sitting down and putting me on his lap. I don’t object, still I put myself as far from him as I can. I breathe shakily being so close again. I see his eyes conflicted, as if he’s struggling to not carry me home. Still, I don’t believe him. I can’t tell if I’ll ever believe him again.
Softly, he speaks, keeping his eyes away. “I never meant any of this to happen to you. And I’m aware apologies might never be enough. Still, know that I never lied when I told you how I felt. Your spirit is so wise, so kind, so beautiful, that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t able to stop myself from falling in love with you.”
He looks at me and pauses for a second. A glimpse of a grin spreads through his face, as if he is recalling the moments we’ve had. My heart skips a beat when our eyes meet, filling my mind with the thought of memories that seem to be from a thousand years ago. His semblant quickly hardens, and he continues.
“But pursuing that love just made me hurt you, you deserved better. I should have never acted on my feelings. I tried to walk away from it before I could slip and tell you everything, as I almost did so many times. Had I done that, I would have dragged you with me into my burden.”
He speaks gradually, as though he’s slowly acknowledging his actions, finally admitting his mistakes out loud. In that moment, I forgive him. He blames himself, more than I ever could, again taking responsibility for things he shouldn’t have to. We fell in love. It’s no one’s fault. Before I can think of saying anything, he goes on.
“You earned your anger, and your disappointment. But I’d rather leave you a thousand times, face your rage and sadness over and over again, than have you carrying the smallest portion of my mission. I could never do that to you.” He stares at me, filled with determination. I feel it passing through me as a dagger. He is decided to protect me, no matter what I think of that.
He finishes his speech placing sentiment in every word, and I cannot help but shed tears with the last words. “I hope you can move on, have a happy life with someone else before what is to come. You truly deserve to find joy, after all you’ve done for Thedas.” He never leaves my gaze while he speaks, carrying so much sentiment that I am completely sure he is not lying. When he sees the tears pouring down my face, I notice his jaw tensing, and his eyes going sadder. However, he doesn’t dare to move. There’s nothing to do anymore.
I keep silent for a while, processing his words. Then, I scoff with the irony, my lips trembling as I speak the bitter words. “Move on? Right. I see your point. Indeed, it’s very noble of you to say that. Still, there’s something you have to understand, you’re too far drowning in your selfish guilt to notice. The thing is, you idiot, I love you. You left me alone for two years, and I keep loving you. I learn that you are vilified by my entire people, and still, I love you. I find out you want to destroy this whole world, and, without question, I. Love. You.” I look deep into his eyes with every sentence, hoping that this time he will understand what I’m willing to do for the bastard.
For a moment, I think I see a glimpse of hope passing through his eyes, but in a blink he washes it away. He is too far gone. Still, I don’t accept it. I finish my sentence, more determined than ever. “While I still breathe, I am not giving up on you. No matter how many times you have the stupid idea of deciding something for me.”
He keeps silent, lowering his head with sorrow. I follow his gaze to my fingers, now intertwined with his. Only now I realize how I missed being this close to him. I look up again to see him watching me carefully, as if he were memorizing what I look like, afraid I could disappear at any moment. I analyze how every corner of his being is filled with sadness and guilt, as well as certainty.
His mouth parts to speak, but the anchor interrupts him. I scream in pain while my arm shines in green, and Solas swiftly grab it, while squeezing my other hand. “I’m sorry” he says, and I see his eyes changing again. I pull him to a kiss, gripping my fingers on his body, feeling the pain in my left hand fading as well as the sensation of the limb.
He puts his arms around me, and it is as if he never left. I have that familiar sensation that he is appreciating every second of it. He gently bends me on my back, firmly pulling me against him, exhaling when he feels I grasp my legs against his. His tongue slowly sways with mine, but urgently seeks my lips for more. He softly drags his fingers through my cheek, until they reach and unsettle my hair.
Too soon he pulls away, and I gasp in surprise and yearning. With the gentlest movement, he places a kiss on my hand, the only hand I have now. He gives me one last gaze, filled with sentiment. “I will never forget you.” He whispers to me, standing up and never leaving my eyes, carrying all the words that are forever unsaid between us.
I watch him go across the eluvian, and as if I fall apart, I feel my body surrendering, my sight slowly going black, as well with all the sounds fading, my mind stops. “Is this the end?” is everything I can formulate.
I wake up back in the Winter Palace, and my eyes slowly focus on a worried Dorian sitting beside me, changing the cloth on my head. I realize I probably had a fever with everything that’s happened. I try to reach him, and I see there’s no hand near him anymore. It’s gone. Along with the mark. Along with my heart. Along with my love. I’m sobbing in Dorian’s arms before I even notice, and he is patting my head gently with the softest voice I ever heard him use. “I am sorry my dear.”