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I wanted to hurt you / but the victory is that I could not stomach it.
—Richard Siken
He hated him.
Of course, he hated him. How could he not? He wasn't meant to be there, sleeping peacefully, like his world didn't stop when his sister died. While Kokonoi's was crashing down all at once.
He hated Inui.
Why, Inui must be the one who lived, but not Akane?
Kokonoi wanted to hurt him. Brought Inui back to that night, the nightmare living rent-free in Kokonoi's head. He wanted him to suffer, instead of Akane. He wanted him to be burned alive, with scars and wounds all over his body.
Kokonoi wanted Inui to replace Akane.
But when he tried to imagine it, all he saw was how much Inui resembled his sister. How very much they were looked alike, they were almost so identical that hurting Inui felt like hurting Akane.
Kokonoi couldn't accept victory like that. He couldn't stomach the win.
He looked at Inui, once again.
Inui was always beautiful, almost too pretty for his own good. That man resembled her sister but at the same time, also didn't resemble her at all.
Kokonoi couldn't grasp what happened next. Everything was so fast, too blurry to remember.
All Kokonoi knew, he just tumbled down. Inui's breathing was too near, too loud in his ears. He didn't see Akane, he didn't feel Akane—like it was supposed to be.
It's supposed to be Akane, right?
But, Kokonoi kissed Inui. And he didn't see a ghost.
Kokonoi wanted to hurt Inui so bad. But hurting him would be a victory no more.
Kokonoi was losing. He will always lose.
He couldn't, wouldn't win.
Kokonoi kissed Inui and all he ever saw was Inui.
Just him.
Like there was never anything mattered more.
And it hurt.