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“i rewind the tape but all it does is pause on the very moment all was lost”
Evermore, Taylor Swift
George Wickham. No. Her George. He wasn’t a monster. He wasn’t the thing that destroyed her. Lydia Bennet. He was far from it. He was the man who loved her when she was worthless to everyone else. No. She was the one who destroyed herself. By letting him do what he did. As much as she wanted to hate him. As much as she was told to hate him, she found that she couldn’t and would never because he had loved her and she had loved him and he was her George and she was his Lydia and they were each other’s world when no one else wanted them. How could a monster be someone’s world? They couldn’t and therefore he wasn’t. A monster that is. Because that’s easier to believe than admit that she had made him her whole world. That she had let a man do something so incredibly awful to her. Something that left her powerless and even more alone than she had ever been without him. She hated thinking about all of the events that were now part of her story. Despised it actually and as her story progressed further from this unfortunate plot twist, she found herself able to not think about him for longer and longer stretches of time. She was up to 64 minutes, aside from sleeping, in which she could go without the name George Wickham flashing in her mind.
Did this make her a monster too? The inability to hate someone evil must say something about the person with the inability, right? Her mind, her heart, her entire being was far from fixed. The George problem did not go away with the licensing of the tape. It was still too real. Too raw for Lydia to put into words what she was feeling. All she could do was hit the repeat button and rewind back the times he told her he loved her. If not in her mind, she could scroll through her videos and press play on those. She could see the car crash about to happen. She saw the red flags that George had waved about as he broke down her walls and her support system. But then again. It was George on screen with her. Staring at her like she was his everything and she’d fall all over again because in the end, she was his, and he had been hers.
It was during one of these rabbit holes of contemplation that Georgiana, Gigi, Darcy made her appearance. Gigi too knew the intense pain and struggle of loving a monster. She loved the same and she would always hate herself for it. She had been about the same age as Lydia when George made a reappearance in her life. He had always been George, her older brother’s friend. But then he became George. Her George. He became something that was hers and solely hers. Since the death of her parents, William watched over her carefully, making sure everything that happened to her was good. Making sure that everything she did or had was planned and safe and ultimately, making sure that nothing in her life was ever truly her own. Her apartment was really William’s. Her education was a product of her parents and William yet again pushing her to be what he was. Her job and future was with her brother’s company. Even Fitz Williams was her brother’s close friend and confidante and as much as she has since come to love and confide in him and he her as Gigi and not the younger sister of William, at the time he wasn’t much more to her than a friend by association.
With George, for once, she had something that could be her own. George was charming and funny and in love with her. He always had been, or so he told her. Nevermind William, she was his and his alone and she loved it. And she loved him. She loved being needed and being wanted and being loved. He loved her because he had always known her. To be known and to still be loved was what she had always wanted and he had given her that. He had been her George and her his Gigi. Not Gigi Darcy. Not the younger sister of his friend. Not the almost sister he grew up with. She was his peach and in times now when she feels incredibly lonely and sad, she’ll look back on the times she had with him and for a moment, she’ll remember what they were to each other. And then, that moment is over and she remembers the pain he caused her and then she finds she can be angry with him again.
“Lydia?” There was a soft knock on Lydia’s bedroom door.
“Come in,” She whispered, unable to say more. She was still attempting to push George from her mind for the hundredth time that day when her sister Lizzie stepped into the room. She gave her a small smile, happy to have her sister near. The last few months had been filled with anger and turmoil and silence between her and Lizzie and she was glad that they had been able to move towards a more open relationship. The two had been spending the last few weeks rebuilding their relationship, and while it took time and tears, she was happy they were finally what she never knew she needed.
“Hi Lizzie,” Lydia greeted, closing her laptop gently and turning towards her sister. She had been staring at her youtube channel, the videos of George starring back. Lizzie noted the screen, this had not been the first time she caught Lydia replaying back what she lost. She crossed the room, bent over and gave Lydia and quick hug, which Lydia was grateful for. She liked having physical signs of affection from Lizzie. It was a reminder that their relationship was real and that it was okay to lean on her.
Lizzie pulled away and held Lydia at arms length, searching her face which Lydia returned with a bigger smile, surprisingly unforced. After another beat of silence and Lizzie clearly trying to say something but not being able to get the words out, Lydia began to squirm.
“Uh, Lizzie? This awkward silence is nice and all but did you want something?”
“Um, well. You know Darcy was stopping by to visit for a few days and he brought someone with him.” Lizzie paused, looking to see if Lydia could infer who or if she’d make Lizzie say it. Lydia’s mind turned, she thought maybe Bing or Caroline, but Bing was in New York and Caroline definitely didn’t want to have any part with the Bennets. But if not Caroline or Bing, who else could be with Darcy? Before Lydia had the chance to verbalize her confusion, a girl popped her head into the room. With a shy smile and small wave, Gigi Darcy peeked in. Definitely not on the list of people Lydia would have guessed.
“Oh.” Was all Lydia could muster. She had known about Gigi for some time now. She had caught up with Lizzie’s videos and knew that Gigi was not only Darcy’s sister, but also part of her story with George. Her George, or better she supposed, their George. “Um, hi.” It was at this that Gigi fully stepped into the room. She slowly approached the sisters. Lizzie stood protectively at Lydia’s side and Gigi stopped a few feet away. When Gigi was invited to visit the Bennets, she had been nothing but a bundle of excitement. She loved Lizzie and couldn’t wait to meet her mother and see her infamous room from the videos. She had also wanted to meet Lydia. Had for sometime, ever since learning about what George had done to her. Gigi, unlike anyone else, understood the persuasive power George held and the ways in which her own heart, and now Lydia’s, would never be the same.
“Lydia, this is Gigi Darcy, William’s sister,” Lizzie introduced unnecessarily.
“I know.” Lydia looked away quickly and then forced herself to look back up at Gigi who clearly was uncomfortable as well. She realized she did know Gigi fairly well. When she had caught up on Lizzie’s videos she had watched Gigi tell her story. She couldn’t make it more than a few seconds in before breaking down all over again. It took her several days to make it all the way through Gigi Darcy’s confession of her relationship with George. She honestly didn’t know how to feel about this and so she didn’t. She did her best to avoid this version of George. The version that left another innocent girl in pieces. Only when faced with Gigi Darcy head on was Lydia forced to confront the very thoughts she had pushed away.
Sticking out her hand, Gigi plastered on a smile, hoping it would ease the tension, and added a quick hello. A beat of silence passed and the three girls heard Darcy calling for Lizzie. Lizzie looked at the two girls, and silently asked each if they were fine with her leaving or if they would like her to stay. After determining that both were uncomfortable but were fine with her going, she nervously clasped her hands in front of her, saying, “Okay um, I’ll be right back.” She then slowly walked out, her nervous energy filling the room.
“So…” The two began together, and stopped, chuckling. The elephant in the room was too painful to acknowledge and so the two girls didn’t. Gigi turned her attention to the room, there were band posters on the wall and Kitty was stretched out on Lydia’s bed. Not to mention the pile of dirty clothes in the opposite corner of the room along with a closet, door left open and a variety of bright colors on hangers and littering that floor as well.
“So, you’re the female Darcy?” Lydia finally started, regretting her decision immediately but Gigi just let out a laugh.
“Well, I’d say I’m a little different. Aside from the whole being a girl, I’m also not super awkward...most of the time.” Now that the ice seemed to be cracked, Lydia couldn’t help but smile. She and Darcy had a weird relationship. He had saved her from George, bought up whole companies just to protect her and while he may have been a pompous jerk a few months ago, it was clear he was just as Gigi had described: awkward. And it was clear he had had a change of heart, all thanks to Lizzie. Darcy wasn’t so bad and Lydia had already thanked him so many times that he actually had to tell her there was no need. He even apologized to her for all the things he said and made it clear that being “energetic”, a term that too had its share of history with Lydia, was not a bad descriptor and how he had ever thought it was was a grave mistake on his part. While Lydia was thinking about Darcy, another silence fell between the girls. Not quite so tense as before, but still uncomfortable. It was then that Lydia remembered Gigi’s own hand in her dilemma. It took all of Lydia’s courage to broach the subject.
“Um, I never said thank you for helping with the uh…” Lydia stopped and took a deep breath, not realizing how hard this would be and trying to find a way to compose herself and continue. “Uh…” Lydia tried again, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. “I…” She looked away and tried to focus her mind, her breathing was shorter and she found she couldn’t say more. She was choked up and she found herself reliving not only her own heartbreak, but Gigi’s as well. All of it, the pain of two heartbreaks hit her, seemingly attacking her from all sides until she found herself bending over, fully hyperventilating. Gigi saw this and dropped beside Lydia who was still sitting in the chair, head in her hands which were on her lap. Lydia began to sob. Gigi’s heart broke, but not for George. For Lydia. Witnessing the pain Lydia was still being forced to endure hurt like hell.
“It’s okay. Lydia, you’re okay.” Gigi held Lydia closely as if she were her own sister and Lydia let herself see all of George. Not just the man who loved her, but the man who destroyed her. Who destroyed Gigi. Who took everything and gave nothing. She confronted the monster she knew deep down she still loved and hated herself for. She cried for who she was and who she would never be again. She cried knowing that she wasn’t enough for him, but through this, she realized Gigi hadn’t been either. And that no one could ever be. Not for him who cared about no one but himself. Nothing would ever be enough for him. But Lydia. Lydia was enough for her family. She was enough for her mother, and her father. And for Jane. And Lizzie. Even Darcy had come to accept her. And here Gigi was. A stranger. Someone who was broken herself, telling Lydia she was okay. That she was enough. And, in her pain. Lydia anchored herself to Gigi, knowing that no matter what happened, they would have each other and that eventually, Lydia and Gigi would be able to talk about what had happened to them both. They both knew that, but for now, the reassurance that they needed each other was enough.