Chapter Text
Albedo was sitting in his study, thinking deeply. Anyone passing by would assume he was thinking about his next alchemy project, but in reality, he is thinking about the love of his life; a rock he saw on the ground. This rock was not like the other rock whores. It was built different, prettier and smarter than all the other rocks. He could tell all of this just by looking at it for half a millisecond because he is so god damn smart.
“That rock is so damn sexy,” he thought to himself. He wished he could caress the rock, kiss the rock, hold the rock in his arms and whisper sweet nothings into its rocky ears.
While Albedo was fantasizing about his rock boyfriend, Kaeya kicked down the door to his study. “Hello All Bee Toes!” he screams at the top of his lungs, knocking Albedo out of his trance and shattering his eardrums into a fine dust. Albedo acts as if Kaeya’s ear splitting screech had not affected him. “It’s Albedo, dumbass,” he corrected him. “Al bay doe.”
Kaeya smirks, “More like Al BAE doe,”
“What?” Albedo stares Kaeya down. He is reserved only for his beloved soon-to-be rock boyfriend. How dare he say that. “Haha, I am only joking, please stop murdering me with your eyes, I just came to ask you something.”
“Make it quick, please, I am very busy,” Albedo lies. In reality, he just wanted to get back to fantasizing about his favorite rock in the world. Kaeya confesses “Well, you see, there’s this guy I like, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to get them to like me…” Albedo rolled his eyes. “Why did you come to me for this?” Kaeya looks down dejectedly “Because everyone here excluding you and Klee is homophobic, also you look gay as shit bro what the fuck no straight person would wear that.”
Albedo was holding back his rage at this point. Nobody insults his superior fashion sense... That aside, Albedo goes back to the situation at hand. “I say you confess as soon as possible. You never know what might happen.” After hearing those words, Kaeya stands up and runs away as fast as he can, which is really fast, because he is really fucking tall and his legs are very long.
After dealing with that stupid one eyed cryo bitch, Albedo decides to take a nice relaxing stroll by the lake to clear his mind, as well as to see his beloved rock. He can tell where the special rock is because of the large pile of artificial flowers he specifically made for it as gifts to win it over. He dug through the flowers to reach the love of his life, but it was nowhere to be found…
Albedo was on the verge of tears. He looked around, panicked and heartbroken. Had the rock moved on? Did it not love him back? “It’s all over now,” he sobbed to himself. He continued crying until Klee got his attention. “Would you like to skip stones with me?” she asks innocently, unaware of the pain and suffering her brother is currently going through. He never wanted to see another stone ever again for as long as he lived, but decided that throwing them into the fucking lake to vent his sorrows would be an exception, so he agreed. He was so emotional he didn’t even question why Klee was skipping stones instead of nuking the world as she usually does.
Albedo and Klee took turns watching each other skip stones on the water. Albedo imagined that every stone he threw was the one that broke his heart, and he began to feel better, because stone murder is fun. As Klee was picking up the last stone, Albedo’s heart sank. He recognized that stone… It was his beloved (soon-to-be) rock boyfriend! “Klee… Where did you get that rock?” Albedo asked, his face pale and his voice shaking. “Oh! I found it under that large pile of flowers over there!” Klee points to the scattered remains of the flower pile Albedo had just been looking through.
“Klee, don’t throw it!” Albedo exclaims, but it was already too late. Klee was already happily tossing the love of his life into the lake.
Albedo breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably once the rock goes under. The fact that Albedo was showing so much emotion over a rock scared the shit out of Klee, so she ran away from her mentally unstable brother. After sobbing for 3 hours 56 minutes and 43 seconds straight, Albedo jumps into the lake to save his beloved.
Albedo knew he didn’t have enough stamina to reach his beloved and make it back safely, so he brought many food items with him. He swam his way to his rocky lover and brought him back to land safely, consuming wet cream stews and minty meat rolls the entire way there.
Albedo returned safely with the rock in hand, and checked its pulse to make sure it was still alive. It did not have a pulse because it is a rock. Albedo performed CPR on the rock and checked again, but there was still no pulse because it is a fucking rock. “It seems like it is time for the last resort…” Albedo’s face flushed at the thought of kissing his rock crush on the mouth, but now was not the time to be embarrassed!
Albedo brought his mouth close to the rock… and kissed it.
He checked for a pulse one last time. There was still no pulse because it’s still a rock. This did not matter to Albedo, however, because he is delusional and insane and it is apparently alive now.
“Rock! I’m so glad you’re alive,” he exclaims, hugging the rock close and shedding tears of joy. “I thought I was never going to see you again!”
The rock says nothing.
“Geez, not even a ‘thank you’? I just saved your life.” Albedo grumbles. “Anyways, I have something I have been meaning to tell you, rock…” his face flushes and he looks down. “You see, I like you. A lot, actually. You’re all I think about every day and night. I even dream about you, which sounds weird but I promise you it’s not!”
No response.
“Rock? Are you going to respond? Do you love me back...?” Albedo starts growing anxious, waiting eagerly for a reply. After almost 2 hours of silence, Albedo gets angry. “I just confessed my feelings for you and you didn’t even respond!” he says in a choked voice, trying not to break down into tears. “Your heart is just as cold and stony on the inside as it is on the outside!” At this point Albedo can no longer hold in the tears and runs off, sobbing loudly. His hopes and dreams have been shattered along with his heart.