Chapter Text
“Just a few more days and you'll be off to college.”
“Yeah, but I’ll be back for breaks.”
"It'll be months."
"Hmm..."
YU doesn’t say for a while, “I’ll miss you.”
Sam turns his head slightly to look at YU who is lying beside him. Things are going to change. It doesn’t matter how much he tells himself that they will remain the same. They won't.
"I'll miss you too." Sam says before he softly chuckles, "Actually, you won't miss me for long. You'll be off to college too."
"I'll always miss you." YU says without any hesitation.
Sam feels an ache in his heart that he doesn't know how to account for. "You'll be alright without me."
"And you without me."
Maybe that is the truth. Maybe they will be alright without each other.
Sam remembers the first time he met YU. Three years back. The new kid in school. His parents transferred here from Japan. He looked so lost on his first day when he climbed on the bus. Seeing him Sam offered him the seat beside him. Sam was a year senior to him. Out of generosity, he showed him around the school for the day, trying his best to make him feel welcomed. He didn't know back then that they would be inseparable for the rest of their days there.
"Don't forget me."
"You are talking like I am leaving tomorrow." Sam smiles. YU doesn't. Sam's smile dies slowly as his heart sinks, "I won't, ever. You don't forget me either, okay?"
"I won't. I-- I can't." YU turns his head to look at Sam. They have been lying in this open field for God knows how long.
Sam looks at him and recalls the time he asked YU about the person he loved the most. To which YU answered, "You." He said it with so much ease, as if it was the most obvious and the silliest question someone has ever asked him.
"Why?"
"You don't ask anything of me. You don't have any expectations from me. I have got nothing to prove to you. You don't want anything from me and I don't want anything from you. Our friendship is enough. With you I am just me and you are just you. Nothing else matters."
Sam couldn't have described his relationship with YU better than that. That was it. They never asked anything of each other. No demands, no expectations.
"Who do you love the most?"
"You."
YU smiled as he continued walking while balancing himself on the huge pipe lying on the roadside as Sam held his hand.
YU hears the crickets on the grass, he giggles, "ZiHong, remember the time we captured crickets in that glass jar. Shit! That was so gross."
Sam laughs, "Yeah, Why did we even do it?"
YU smiles, "I have done so many things with you that I would have probably never done on my own or with someone else."
"Yeah, Me too." Sam giggles.
YU remembers the time Sam sneaked a cigarette from his father. They both met at their secret spot. Sam agreed to do it only after making YU swear that he would never smoke again, and that it was just for trying it out. Just for the sake of experience. Both of them would take single puffs and never again. YU waited quite nervously as Sam lit the cigarette and handed it to YU. YU looked at him before he took it from his hand. He took a puff and started coughing. Sam laughed as he took the cigarette from his hand.
"It's--- it's so bad!" YU said, making a disgusted face while Sam took a puff and started coughing himself.
YU laughed looking at him.
"Do you feel anything?"
"I don't know. Maybe...maybe a little lightheaded." YU said, scrunching his nose.
"Yeah maybe…"
Sam put out the cigarette on the wall, "Never try doing it again, okay? Never." Sam said firmly.
"I won't. Promise me you won't either."
Sam nodded.
In his heart YU knows nothing will be the same ever again. It scares him.
"I don't want to grow up."
Everything scares him. He knows Sam better than he has known himself, and Sam knows YU better than he ever knew himself. A whole year at school without Sam. He knows he would miss the bus rides with him every morning, every afternoon. The bicycle rides, the bicycle races. The sleepovers at each other's place. Being at Sam's house while his mom complained about him and told him to be more like YU while the same thing happened when they went to YU's place. While their respective moms scolded them, all they did was muffle their laughs. As they always said to each other: Everyone has their own time to shine. He would miss the amount of times they have sneaked out at nights, and the couple of times they got caught. Getting caught wasn't the fun part, but he knows that he would miss that too.
Going on bike rides when the whole town is asleep, "I feel like the whole world is ours."
"It is ours, Yusuke! We are the kings of this whole world, and no one can tell us otherwise."
There is a feeble smile on Sam's face, "I don't want to grow up either."
"Will we become the same stuck up grown ups we have always made fun of?"
Sam shrugs, "Who knows? The thought scares me. It scares me so much."
"It scares me too."
"I wish I could stay with you forever. Just here."
YU feels as if someone put iron weights on his chest, "I want the whole world to fall asleep forever, and then we would go round the world riding on our bikes."
"We'll be the kings."
"With nothing to rule over." YU chuckles.
"We don't want power. It is freedom we seek."
"It is freedom we seek." YU says as they both break into laughter.
In school they have always been teased by their friends. Everyone has complained about how they forget about other people and completely ignore their surroundings when they are together.
"What do you guys even talk about?"
"That's none of your business." Sam retorted.
"Why don't you guys just go on a date?"
"Why don't you try shutting the fuck up?!"
All these teasing never bothered Sam, and nothing ever bothered YU apart from Sam.
Sam plays with the drawstrings of YU's hooded t-shirt, "You know you can always call me."
YU looks away, not knowing what to say, the words feel so unfamiliar, he looks back, "Yeah...I guess."
Call him? He used to visit his house at any time, uninvited, unannounced, be it day or night. He has had dinners with his family. His dad has always loved chatting with him about baseball because Sam had no interest in it. YU's mom knows what Japanese dishes Sam likes and what he doesn't, even when he has never explicitly shown any dislike for anything she cooks.
Call him? YU knows exactly what his heart fears. It's inevitable. Nothing will remain the same.
He remembers the time he sneaked beer cans. When they tried it they hated the taste so much but still drank just because of the thrill of it. Make something illegal, and it automatically becomes more tempting.
"My head feels so weird."
"Mine too. I am not sure if I am loving this feeling or hating it."
YU laughed as he hoped that they would be sober before they got home.
"How will we know when we are sober?"
"That's a very good question." YU said, staring right into Sam's eyes as they pressed their foreheads together.
"Are we even drunk? Or do we just think we are drunk?"
"I have absolutely no idea."
"Who's gonna tell us if we are drunk or not?"
"Man!" YU sighed, "We should have brought a third person."
"I get it now. We are drunk. We are so drunk. You would have never talked about bringing a third person. We don't have a third person. It's just you and me."
"Just me and you." YU chuckled softly.
"Fuck. I feel sleepy."
"I feel nauseous and sleepy too. I don't know how that works."
"Definitely not a good combination."
"Definitely not."
That night they didn't go home. Both of them passed out in the field, Sam slept on YU's arm. In the morning when they got back to their homes, YU's excuse was that he had to stay at Sam's place for some project and Sam made the same excuse to his parents. The reason their parents always believed them was because despite their petty shenanigans, there wasn't any bad influence. There was nothing to put a finger on even if they tried. Apart from their absolute disregard for rules, they were just as good for each other as someone at that vulnerable age could be. During the exams they would study together for days and nights long. Sam would even help YU with his subjects. There was no reason to separate them, not that they possibly could have done it even if they tried.
Call him? Even the thought feels so distant, so far away. Call him and say what?
"Did we lose?" Sam feels as if someone is tearing apart his heart slowly.
"To what?"
"Life." Sam says, almost a hopeless whisper.
YU closes his eyes, swallowing. Why is it so painful? What is it exactly?
"Can't escape life now, Can we?"
"Wish we could." Sam bites his lips. "You still have a year. Have fun."
Without you? That's impossible.
"I'll try." YU says with a sad smile.
Sam seems lost in thought.
"What are you thinking?"
"Remember the time we both got suspended for four days for skipping too many classes?"
YU laughs, "Yeah, we forged our parents' signatures."
"I think that's illegal." Sam says while laughing, being a bit embarrassed.
"Suddenly we both got sick at the same time." YU says between laughs.
"Dude! They even believed us."
"Sometimes I feel bad about lying to them so much. They could never even imagine how much they don't know."
"It's not like we were doing something bad. We were just having a bit of fun."
YU watches Sam smiling so close to him. His own smile fades.
Will they ever lie together in this field again? Will he be him again? Everything will become a memory buried in the sands of time. Will they ever be here again? Will this place be the same again? Will they be them again?
Nothing will be the same again.
He doesn't want to think of it, but he knows this is the last time. Sam would get busy with packing, preparing for college. Only a few days are left.
YU can feel his heart race, the fear, the anxiety, he shifts closer to Sam. YU shuts his eyes, "I don't want to go back home."
Sam shuts his eyes too, "Me neither."
Call him? Call him to hear what? Call him to know how much he likes his new friends? Call him to tell him about my day at my new college that I spent with people that were not him? Call him just to realize our differences? Call him to remind myself that we don't have much left in common anymore? Call him just to stumble upon words? Call him to make sure one last time that we have ran out of things to talk about? Call him? Via this fake-ass modern technology? Call him without actually calling him? Call him without saying his name? Call him, and him not being near enough to hear?
Call him?