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The irony of it all was that Toushirou Hitsugaya was actually good at paperwork.
Those uninitiated the Thirteen Court Guardian Divisions' upper ranks were always surprised how much of a captain's time was occupied by the day to day shuffle of papers and forms--especially since in Hitsugaya's case, Matsumoto refused to help with any of it. Any spare time in his daily schedule that wasn't occupied with paperwork usually was spent in meetings-that-could-have-been-a-hell-butterfly with his fellow captains or supervising the Tenth Division's routine patrols.
But here he was in the world of the living, on what he could safely say was the strangest assignment of his entire career--and back to paperwork again. Even worse, there was no refuge in the task before him: to bring himself up to speed on the unusual events of the last few weeks for the benefit of his past self (or alternate self in another timeline, he wasn't entirely clear).
An unusual silence had descended upon the High Spirits Magic Shop; everyone had dispersed to work on their own journals after the meeting this morning, per Urahara's orders. He wondered idly if the rest of them were having any better luck. Hitsugaya had retreated to the glorified closet that served as his quarters to work in solitude, but it was entirely possible the younger girls had turned it into a group project somehow.
Hitsugaya stared at the notebook in front of him, and grimaced. The pages remained stubbornly blank as if taunting him. What was he supposed to say that could possibly describe the madness that had unfolded over the last few weeks?
Well. Start at the beginning.
In this timeline, Hitsugaya's first clue that anything was out of the ordinary was the unannounced arrival of a black cat named Yoruichi Shihouin in his office. Maybe there was truth to the saying that black cats brought bad luck, after all--although in this case, Shihouin was only the bearer of bad tidings, not their instigator. All she'd tell him was that the Kurosaki twins were in trouble and refused to discuss or even explain the problem to anyone until Hitsugaya showed up at the Urahara Shop and negotiated a solution.
Damn it, Karin, Hitsugaya had thought at the time. What have you gotten yourself into this time?
Well. Strictly speaking, "trouble" was true, but it was the understatement of a lifetime. Karin and Yuzu had struck an ill-concieved bargain with an alien creature known as the Incubator, who was harvesting young girls' souls for some indeterminate but definitely nefarious purpose of its own. The Kurosaki family had formed an unexpected alliance with another one of the Incubator's victims, Homura Akemi, who had been granted incredible powers over time itself as a result of her own contract. Conveniently, Akemi also had a magic shield that allowed her to store an infinite number of items indefinitely and could be carried with her between timelines.
With his typical industry, the previous Hitsugaya that Akemi had encountered had provided her with an abundance of notes to get his current self up to speed. The shock of his own handwriting in that pile of spiral-bound notebooks--containing certain secrets known only to himself--was been enough to make Akemi's claims eerily plausible.
That was the moment where Hitsugaya realized he was out of his depths, and oh, wasn't it going to be fun to explain all this to the Captain-Commander? And that was before a massive magical explosion took out a distressingly large chunk of the city of Asunaro, killing and wounding thousands of innocent people, giving the survivors absurdly high levels of spiritual powers, and blanketing the entire region in a thick cloud of smoke and toxic ash.
Even so, they were still doing better than the previous timeline, as Yuzu was still alive, Karin had yet to kill herself out of grief, and the inhabitants of Karakura Town hadn't been consumed by the Incubator to form a King's Key while the Captain-Commander's flames devoured what little was left. That said, the bar was extremely low, and Hitsugaya had no doubt things could go from bad to worse in a heartbeat.
The good news was that Hitsugaya didn't have to write out the events of that first timeline again. All he had to do was attach his current notebook to the back of the first one and re-seal the lot with his personal sigil to convince the next Hitsugaya that they were the untampered originals, which was easy enough. That still left the problem of having to explain this timeline, which was, well, even more complicated than the first one.
Hitsugaya sighed and fiddled with the cap of his pen. How many times am I going to have to do this?
He was immediately ashamed of himself for whining, given that Akemi had been through far worse. She had already gone back over and over again dozens of time, reliving history, fighting her grim war of vengeance by herself up until the last timeline. How she could possibly stand it?
The previous Hitsugaya had asked Akemi that very question after Karin's suicide. Her response was typical Akemi bluntness: "I don't know."
She doesn't want to go back either, he thought. A snippet of memory flitted across his mind: sitting beside her on a stone jetty along the Pacific at three in the morning, nibbling Yuzu's cookies while they talked about everything and nothing in particular. Yes, he needed to include that moment in this new journal for sure.
He bent his head and set to work, careful to keep his handwriting legible. The last thing he needed was for their delicately orchestrated plans to fail because the next Hitsugaya couldn't decipher his own handwriting.
The real question, of course, was How many times are *we* going to have to do this?
For now, there was only one possible answer: As long as it takes.
***
Mami Tomoe was no stranger to hours hunched over notebooks, recording the details of hundreds of witch-battles in excruciating detail. She'd copied diagrams of flintlock rifles from books until she could draw them from memory--a necessary step in order to transform an otherwise ordinary ribbon into a functional weapon.
This notebook was different. This one was for a Mami who wasn't going to remember writing any of it, because that person hadn't experienced it. Another self, another timeline--expressions that would have been too dizzying and surreal to contemplate, except for the fact that such was her life now. How did Homura Akemi not go crazy from it all?
She can't afford to. We're all counting on her.
Mami set her jaw. Learning from Homura that past Mamis had turned against her friends and comrades when she'd discovered the truth about magical girls and witches had shaken her badly, even as it cemented her resolve to do better by Homura in this and any subsequent timelines. That was a story the next Mami needed to know as soon as possible, so she didn't repeat her predecessors' mistakes. Homura had been right not to trust her when they'd first met in this universe, and Mami couldn't risk ending her other selves up on the wrong side again.
The difference is that I wasn't alone this time. I had help--both Akemi and Hitsugaya guided me when I was struggling. They knew what happened before and helped me anyway, so it didn't have to end like that again. Now it's my turn, but...
Hitsugaya. Mami flushed and shook her head, but the thought was not so easily chased away. What was she going to write about Toushirou Hitsugaya, anyway?
This journal was for Mami's eyes only; that was the whole point. Even if she did sneak a glance, Homura had already proven she could keep a secret, having concealed Mami's past from her for so long. It was Sayaka, Kyouko, and Karin who would have field day if they read Mami's private diary... especially given they were already convinced she and Hitsugaya were an item.
I mean... I like him a lot. We fight well together. I never expected to find a *boy* with magic...
Hitsugaya was a transfer student from Tokyo--a friend and tutor of Homura's. Both he and and his father were involved in a shadowy cabal that controlled the afterlife, where their presence carried considerable clout. He was born with magic of a kind that Mami had never seen before--a mastery of ice and water--without a soul gem or a contract with the Incubators.
I don't really know much about him at all, really, Mami admitted to herself. What if he's hiding more secrets that no one's told me yet because they don't think I can handle it?
The worst part was that her fears might be true. There was simply no way to know until she earned Hitsugaya's trust enough for him to tell her. But something in his calm bearing and no-nonsense attitude made her trust in him completely--if there were secrets, he would share them when the time was right, instead of endangering their mission by spilling them sooner.
How did my life get so complicated, anyway?
It had all started when she was patrolling the streets of Mitakihara for witches and stumbled across Kaname and Miki and a black cat named Yoruichi in a labyrinth in an alleyway behind a florist shop. It had ended--so far--with everything Mami knew about Kyubey, and her life as a magical girl going up in smoke and flames, along with the entire city of Asunaro. The rest of the story had yet to be written, of course, but Mami was certain there were more dark times ahead in her future.
The next Mami might not know anything about Asunaro yet, but right now, it was hard to forget. Despite the surgical mask over her nose and mouth and the air purifiers in every room, the scent of smoke pervaded every nook and cranny in the High Spirits Magic Shop, seeping in through the floorboards and cracks in the wall.
Mami wished she could clear her head by going outside, but even if the air quality improved, the little garden where she'd once found solace was a pit of ash and all the koi were dead. She and Hitsugaya had sat out there together one afternoon, tossing breadcrumbs to the fish while she grieved for what the Incubator had done to her.
"My soul is a rock... deformed... mutilated..."
"A gemstone, he'd corrected gently.
"What's the difference?" Mami said, screwing up her face to keep from bursting in tears in front of him.
"Gemstones are beautiful, obviously, he said, with a matter-of-factness that stunned her. "Yours looks like, what, amber? Topaz? Something precious."
Mami stopped short, unable to believe her ears. He couldn't have surprised her more if he had demonstrated his talent for astral projection right then and there.
"Did— did you just—? Did you just say my soul is... beautiful?" she managed.
Now it was Hitsugaya's turn to panic, as if he'd only just realized the implications of his words. And that was when his uncle had stepped in and apologized for ruining their 'romantic' moment--triggering explosive laughter from Mami, to Mr. Urahara's amusement, and his nephew's dismay.
Hitsugaya even *said* it wasn't romantic, she reminded herself firmly. He was just being kind and considerate to me that day--it doesn't mean anything more than that. And he was probably embarrassed that I laughed at him. Just because everyone *thinks* we're dating doesn't make it true!
It was hard to say whether Sayaka and Karin genuinely believed in the relationship, or if they just pretending it did in order to make Mami and especially Hitsugaya squirm. Kisa and Hanako and probably most of their class at Mitakihara Middle School definitely did.
But Hitsugaya was close to Karin Kurosaki in a way that Mami didn't fully understand, and he was childhood friends with Homura Akemi from their time in Tokyo. Mami had only known Hitsugaya for a few weeks--she couldn't compete with either girl, even if she wanted to.
It doesn't matter. Akemi and I are allies, not enemies, and I'm sure Hitsugaya will be very happy with whatever lucky girl he fancies. Working together to defeat the Incubators is more important than who ends up with whom. And it's not my decision to make anyway.
But if it were...
Mami had never seriously imagined herself with a boyfriend. Oh, yes, she'd tossed wistful glances now and then at couples walking home together, and fantasized now and then about the trappings of normal life--but there was no time for such trivialities when she was constantly on the hunt for witches. Even if by some miracle, she managed to find a boy who liked her back, how could she pretend to be normal when she was just barely holding her life together as it was? How could she lie day after day to someone she professed to care about? How could she explain the truth?
The stark truth was that life as a magical girl was easier in some ways if you were alone--no friends (boys or otherwise) and no parents to placate. She hated herself for that thought, but the magical girls whose parents did a proper job of looking out for them had a more difficult time getting away to fight witches than those who didn't, and suffered accordingly when their soul gems darkened. Even so, Mami had envied the girls who had homes to go to at the end of the day, filled with loving parents who could comfort their children when they cried, even if they didn't know full extent of the horrors their daughters faced on a daily basis.
But Hitsugaya already knew the truth about magical girls and witches. There was nothing she had to hide from him. Not only had he fought side by side with Mami, he'd more than held his own, a skilled fighter, despite his youth. It was a rare combination indeed, and an intriguing one.
And there was no doubt Mami found his spiky white hair, piercing blue eyes, and calm and commanding manner attractive. He was short for his age, yes, but he'd grow out of it eventually, once his growth spurt kicked in; girls matured faster than boys in that respect. And he was no slouch in the muscles department; Mami had been pleasantly scandalized when he'd gone shirtless after a battle once.
Get a grip on yourself. This was not the time to be distracted by such petty concerns when there was serious work to do. Even if she wrote down her memories of that particular encounter, it wouldn't the same. Some things, you just had to experience for yourself.
Was there a way to write so vividly you could capture the memories, picture them in your head as if you'd been there yourself? Mami was going to do her best to find out. But first, she had to write down the most important things, the things she needed to remember. Then, maybe later, if there was still time, she could write down other memories, like, well--
"Did you just say my soul is... beautiful?"
Would another Hitsugaya say that to another Mami in the timeline to come? Would he think it, even if he didn't admit it out loud? Or had she taken a simple, kind gesture out of context? Should she tell the other Mami about that exchange, or should she leave it to the next iterations to sort it out for themselves?
Mami thought for a moment. If the future Mami was anything like the present Mami, she would want to know. Knowledge was always preferable to ignorance.
Which meant she had a choice to make here and now.
***
"Hitsugaya? Can I talk to you for a moment?"
Hitsugaya looked up to see Tomoe hovering in the doorway. She, too, was burdened with a stack of notebooks--like everyone else, she'd been hard at work on her time capsule.
"Sure." He cleared some space at the low table beside the bed for her, careful to ensure she didn't glimpse any of his own writing in the process. "I could use a break. My hand is starting to cramp from all this writing."
Mami chuckled nervously. "Me, too. I still can't believe... that we're not going to exist in a few days."
In theory, Hitsugaya knew, victory was possible--the game wasn't over yet. In practice, after Asunaro, they were all gradually coming to accept the inevitable. In light of the disaster, it was painfully obvious that starting over was the best possible solution for the greatest number of people, including everyone who had died in the explosion.
Still, Hitsugaya was loathe to admit it openly yet, even if they all knew it was coming. He turned towards the window, the curtains tightly drawn to keep the smoke out. None of them had seen the sun in days."Perhaps our world will end once Akemi leaves. Perhaps not. We don't know exactly how the process works."
From the stricken look on her face, that wasn't comforting. Damn it, where was Matsumoto when you needed her? She was always better at the touchy-feeling stuff, and Tomoe genuinely seemed to like her.
"Have you talked to Ma--Aunt Matsumoto about this?" Pretending to be related to his lieutenant wasn't the most humiliating part of this assignment, but it was certainly annoying.
"I'd rather talk to you, if that's okay."
He nodded.
"If everything is going to...vanish...once Akemi uses her magic to go back in time, what do we do with ourselves in the meantime?" Tomoe said. She glanced down at her hands as if she expected to be vaporized at any moment.
Hitsugaya had been asking himself the same question. "We aim for the best possible outcome we have. We gather as much data as possible for Akemi to minimize the number of returns she has to make."
"Doesn't that terrify you? Not... existing anymore?"
Tomoe, he remembered, had made her contract when she was on the verge of dying in a horrific car accident that had killed her parents and nearly taken her with it. He would have to tread carefully.
"It's not a new thing for me," he said at last. "I'm used to risking my life, living on the edge. I've walked that line every day for a long time now."
He didn't go into the details. Tomoe still didn't know about Soul Society. She thought he and his "father"--actually Juushirou Ukitake, captain of the Thirteenth Division--were spiritually aware but otherwise ordinary humans from the Tokyo region who had befriended Akemi in the hospital.
To her credit, she didn't press him on it. "So have I," Tomoe agreed. "It's funny, I used to be scared all the time, fighting witches on my own. I nearly died more times than I can count after--my accident. Now that I have friends to fight with, I'm not so scared anymore.
"But in some ways that makes it harder, because--I know it's all going to disappear, and I can't bear the thought of losing everyone. And I'm afraid of what might happen in the next timeline. What if things go wrong and I'm still alone? What if I don't listen when Homura tries to tell me the truth, and I die because of it? Or...worse."
She was right to be concerned. In the past, she'd died countless times at the hand of a particularly clever witch, or shot and killed her comrades in despair when she learned the horrible truth. There was no guarantee it wouldn't happen again. Except--
"We have to trust Akemi. She brought us all together this time, she can do it again. And next time, she'll have our help to do it." He gestured to the pile of notebooks on the table. "Regardless of what happens when Akemi goes back, we'll live on through our words to our other selves, and they'll carry on the fight for us. That's all we can do in the time that is given us."
She went very quiet, thinking it over. Her next question, when it came, was a total non sequitur. "What are you going to write in your diary about me?"
"Um. Er. Um," Hitsugaya stammered, unable to summon a coherent thought, let alone a complete sentence. If Kyouko or Sayaka--or gods help him, Karin--had been within earshot, he would have died on the spot. "I--er--"
"It's okay," Tomoe said quickly, her face reddening. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just thought--"
"No," he managed after a moment. "I don't mind, I just--"
He glanced around, considering their surroundings with narrowed eyes. There was no question Urahara had this room under surveillance. The last thing he needed was any evidence that could potentially be used to embarrass him later if taken out of context.
"There's no privacy here," he explained. "We're lucky our friends haven't walked in on us yet."
"Y-yes, I guess you're right," Tomoe agreed. She appeared to still be taken aback by his interest in continuing the discussion elsewhere. "We could go back to my apartment. That ought to be private. I-if you don't mind, that is."
He'd been to Tomoe's apartment before on several occasions, though usually as a waystation to and from their main base of operations at the High Spirits. Tomoe, like everyone else, had basically moved into the magic shop, partly so as not to be alone and partly because the place was warded backwards and forwards against the Incubator.
The problem with going somewhere else Hitsugaya definitely didn't want that little rat listening into their conversation, either. He'd prefer to sit outdoors, where he could see it coming from a distance, but they couldn't very well sit anywhere outside right now with the choking ash cloud overhead.
Leaving the shop was a calculated risk, but remaining in place was equally dangerous under the circumstances. It was a no-brainer, really.
"Let's go."
***
Urahara raised an eyebrow when Hitsugaya informed him he was escorting Tomoe back to her apartment for a supply run, but the scientists was too haggard to offer anything but the most cursory of innuendo, which spoke volumes for his mental state right now. The Asunaro disaster had struck too close to home, and he'd been working overtime in light of the disaster; there were dark circles under his eyes that hadn't been there before the explosion, and his stubble was more scraggly and unkempt than usual.
Well, he was hard at work saving the world, after all. Under the circumstances, Hitsugaya was more than willing to cut the man some slack in terms of social niceties.
They made it to Tomoe's apartment without incident, moving quickly as possible through the deserted streets. Both of them were dressed in raincoats scavenged from a closet at the back of High Spirits to keep the toxic ash from contact with any bare skin. Hitsugaya kept his senses alert for the tell-tale flicker of the Incubators' reiatsu, but there was no sign of them anywhere.
The apartment was much like he remembered from his previous visits--too big for a single person, almost eerily so. Still, it was well-kept, if a bit dusty from recent disuse--Tomoe's parents had been wealthy indeed, and their daughter hadn't lacked for material comforts. Shedding their shoes and and protective gear in the genkan, they stepped up into the living-dining room, the normality of it all coming as something of a shock.
Unlike his first visit, the apartment was empty--the Incubator had decided to be elsewhere. It was probably a good thing, although Hitsugaya wouldn't mind venting some of his pent-up anger by abusing one of its spare bodies right now; kicking it off the balcony like a soccer ball had been so satisfying. Even so, Hitsugaya went through every room, turning on every light in full to drive away the shadows while laying the kido wards to keep both their presence and conversation hidden from the Incubator.
He paused by the floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room, overlooking what must be a spectacular view of the city under clear skies. Now it was obscured by the cloud of grey ash, and he closed the curtains with a shudder, momentarily banishing the disaster from his mind.
Meanwhile, Tomoe was bustling in the kitchen with her usual industry, a tea kettle whistling on the stove in counterpoint. Somehow, she even managed to find snacks to serve--savory rice crackers, since she knew of his distaste for sweets.
He let her fuss over the stupid crackers, because she needed the distraction of playing hostess for him, and nibbled at a handful for politeness' sake, even though he wasn't hungry. The tea was excellent--good quality sencha, stepped to a brilliant emerald green, and served in beautiful Western-style cups with gold trim around the edges and curved handles and matching saucers. The grassy flavor was unexpectedly complimented by the smoke that had managed to penetrate through the walls into the apartment, adding an odd but not unpleasant bitter aftertaste.
Their notebooks were stacked in neat piles on the low glass table beside the tea things. No way was Hitsugaya leaving any of them back at High Spirits where Karin or Sayaka or someone even worse might stumble across them and stick their nose where it didn't belong. He trusted his comrades with his life... but he wasn't an idiot, either.
"All right," Hitsugaya said, once they'd moved past polite banter and into awkward silence once more. "What do you want me to write about you?"
"I... the truth, obviously," Tomoe said. "I don't want you to lie or make out to be better than I am. just... wonder if we remember events the same way, that's all."
He took a sip of tea, wondering if she was going to elaborate. He had no idea where she was going with any of this.
"I wanted you to know it's meant a great deal to me to have you in my life," Tomoe went on into the silence. "I'm grateful for everything you've done for me. You offered me patience and support, even when I didn't deserve it."
"Of course you deserved it," Hitsugaya said, annoyance rising to the surface. "Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same for anyone else in your position."
"Knowing what I know now, of course I would! But things turn out so differently every time Homura goes back--and now I don't know what's certain, and what isn't anymore."
"That's true," he conceded. "But some things remain unchanged, and I hope our friendship will be one of them."
Tomoe nodded. "I do, too."
"So what's the problem, then?"
"Even if we write down that wish for our future selves, it won't be the same as it is now. Everything we experience will be like a dream that happened to somebody else. Those people have our names and our faces and our history, but they won't be us. How could they? They have our names and our faces and our stories, but not our memories."
She took a deep breath and met his gaze squarely with the same steely resolve she wore on the battlefield when she was terrified yet determined to fight on anyway--and win.
"But if I'm going to die, I don't want to die with any more regrets. I know there's no possible future for us, even if you feel the same way about me that I feel about you. But I want you to know before it's all over, Hitsugaya, that I--that I--"
The penny dropped at last. Hitsugaya set the tea cup down on the table with a clatter, frozen in utter shock. Surely this couldn't be a love confession--?
Any doubt was instantly annihilated when she leaned over the table and kissed him on the mouth.
***
Mami hadn't planned the kiss--never would have done it if she'd had the chance to stop and think things through. It wasn't like her at all to jump in headfirst without thinking it through first.
It was a stupid, impulsive decision, the sort of thing Kyouko would do if she had her heart set on someone. Kyouko was all about taking what she wanted, though she was more interested in food and cash and grief seeds than boys. No doubt her friend would slap Mami on the back and compliment her for her initiative if she found out about this.
It was true that nice girls simply didn't kiss boys like this, especially if they weren't already dating the boy in question! But Mami had learned time and time again how audacity paid off in life or death situations. And, well, if this timeline was truly doomed, she wouldn't have to deal with the embarrassment for long if this went badly--
Mami knew she ought to be ashamed of herself. As it was, she was oddly proud. No matter how it turned out, it would make one hell of a story for her journal.
I wonder if my future self will be jealous?
***
Mastery of unarmed close-quarter combat was a requirement for entry into the upper ranks of the Thirteen Court Guardian Divisions, but Hitsugaya was too flustered by Tomoe's mouth on his for any coherent response. His soul hadn't technically left his body, but his brain had checked out, numb and stupid and utterly useless. What the hell--?
In retrospect, it was blindingly obvious, and yet he'd never even suspected she felt this way about him--
Fuck.
What was he supposed to do now?
The Captain-Commander had instructured Hitsugaya to do whatever was necessary to keep Homura Akemi firmly on their side. This... didn't quite land under that umbrella, although Akemi would not be pleased if he hurt her friend either physically or emotionally. Given how sensitive Tomoe was to rejection, how poorly she had reacted to disappointments in previous timelines, it was important to proceed cautiously. The last thing they needed right now was another witch on their hands.
That said, the Captain-Commander would definitely not approve of fraternizing quite this closely--
Hitsugaya pulled away, yanking his surgical mask over his face as fast as he could to hide his stunned expression.
I would not have expected such boldness, but I can't deny she's got style, Hyourimaru piped up from the back of his mind with a chuckle. Leave it to his zanpakutou to butt in at the worst possible moment.
Shut up. No one asked you.
You really enjoy making things hard on yourself, don't you? the ice dragon continued, unable to contain his amusement at Hitsugaya's expense.
Shut up, shut up, shut UP, Hitsugaya chanted silently,
"A-ah," Tomoe stammered, her face reddening as she jerked backwards away from him. "I'm so sorry, Hitsugaya! I don't know what came over me! I should have known you wouldn't return my feelings like that! Please forgive my forwardness--"
"No," he said roughly, refusing to let her go down the spiral of self-blame and recriminations. "You didn't do anything wrong. You just--startled me that's all."
"Then what--?" Golden eyes blinked up at him in surprise. Whatever response she'd expected from him, this wasn't it.
"It's just--" He glanced around the living room, half-expecting for Karin, Urahara, or an Incubator to leap out any moment screaming Gotcha, but there was no one there.
(The scary thing was right now he wasn't sure which of them would be worse.)
He dug through the pile of notebooks, flipped through the one on the top until he found the relevant page, and thrust it at her. "You really want to know how I feel? Here."
She took it gingerly, hands shaking, and there was nothing left for him to do but stare up at the ceiling and waiting for the agony to be over as the tea and crackers lay forgotten on the table between them.
***
The number one rule of successful missions is 'don't get emotionally involved'. At least that's what I always thought until I met Ichigo Kurosaki, anyway. That kid is nothing *but* emotionally involved and yet somehow it always works out for him.
Just because it works for him doesn't mean it works for me, though. My powers are ice-based for a reason. I don't get attached to people so easily. It's not that I don't care--I do--I just don't let my feelings interfere with my work. That's what *professional* means, after all. There are reasons they sent *me* for this job, and not, say, Ikkaku Madarame.
This is not my first time as a transfer student, and it's unlikely to be the last. I suppose I should be used to it by now--somehow this always ends up being my job on these kinds of missions, on account of my age--but this was the first time my job was to protect someone *while* trying to recruit her to our cause. Akemi was very clear that Tomoe was not only a useful asset, but someone she cared about, but Tomoe had been brainwashed by the Incubator into believing its lies, and it was going to be a delicate job to feed her the truth little by little and get her on our side.
Once I met her, though, it was clear why Akemi was trying so hard to save her. Tomoe is a kind and generous person, who plays by the rules and does her best to save as many people as she can. She's a hard worker; when she makes up her mind about something, she gives it her all. Not only is she a competent fighter, she's one of the most talented people I've ever met--a prodigy like me, and completely self-taught. When she fights, she's flashy and colorful in a way I'll never be, and--it's beautiful, actually.
I don't know when I realized I liked her. I was so angry when Souju kidnapped her soul gem--it was a dirty trick, and Tomoe was supposed to be under my protection--though I told myself I would do the same for any of Akemi's friends--anyone, really. Nobody deserves a monster like Souju messing around with their soul like that.
But the thought of Tomoe's death hit me harder than I thought it would. Not just because of what it would do to Akemi, but to *me*. I didn't understand it. We'd just met. I still didn't know her very well. Why was I so upset?
I didn't want to think about what that might mean, and there wasn't much time for that, anyway. I just--did what I needed to do to get her back, to save her. And it worked. Tomoe came back, and no one died or went crazy this time once she started to piece together the truth.
And then I was trying to cheer her up, and I put my foot right in my mouth. Her soul *is* beautiful--I've held it in my hands, I should know--but I didn't mean to say it like *that*. I think she thought I was hitting on her--and she laughed at me when she saw how embarrassed I was by it. I can't blame her--I'd've done the same thing if I were in her shoes right then.
Urahara, Karin, Sayaka, our classmates at school--everyone just keep poking the two of us about being an item. It's so obnoxious. I can't tell if they actually suspect anything, or if they're just bluffing because they enjoy watching me get flustered. Tomoe looks mortified every time they try something, which only makes it worse. I don't think she's interested, but she's too polite to actually come out and say so for fear of hurting my feelings.
Hyourimaru likes her, though. That's something. He doesn't like everybody. I think Momo would like her, too. Matsumoto certainly does--but then again, she likes everybody, even Gin!!! No accounting for taste.
I don't have much experience with this kind of thing. I got pushed into grown-up stuff so quickly I never had much of a childhood, much less a typical adolescence. Even if she was interested in me, Tomoe and I are from different worlds. The world's going to end. It would never work out. So why bother starting something that has no future?
But I still wish I could say something--anything, and I haven't. I don't want to make things awkward between us (okay, more awkward). What if she thinks I've been stalking her this whole time, and tells her future self I'm a creep? That would screw everything up. I can't bring myself to take the risk.
Besides, there's so much she doesn't know about me--so much I can't tell her. It's not that I think she'd hate me once she learns the truth, the way she hates the Incubator now; my secrets are for the protection of everyone else around me. It's just that I'm not who she thinks she is--there's a huge difference between 'mysterious transfer student' and who I actually am, and that's something I'd want to know before I got too close to someone if our positions were reversed.
...I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. Sorry.
I've held her soul in my hands. I've fought by her side. I've even watched her sleep. (That sounds creepy, I know... I swear there was a good reason for it, though, and Akemi was with me, and it wasn't like it was my idea in the first place...)
Most of all, though, I want to protect her. Whatever that takes. Sakura called me Tomoe's knight in frosty armor when the two of us were fighting her, but that's about right, actually. It's true whether I like it or not, and there's not much I can do about it at this point. A knight fights for their lady and doesn't expect anything in return. And... that's good enough, I guess.
I'm not going to tell her how I feel. It would only complicate things, and believe me, the last thing either of us need right now are more complications. Life is already complicated enough, and there's just no time.
But it's okay. Like I said, I'm a professional.
(Right.)
***
When Mami looked up, Hitsugaya was still staring at the ceiling as if he wished the floor would open him up and swallow him whole.
"You do care," she said softly, not quite believing it herself. Her heart beat faster, as if she were in the midst of battle, and she was dizzy from the intensity of the surprise and relief and happiness churning inside her.
"You sound so surprised." He'd recovered enough of his bearings for dry humor, at least. "I hadn't meant for it to come out like this, but--yes, I care. I care a lot. As more than a friend, I mean."
"I--I wasn't sure." Aware her hands were shaking again, she closed the notebook and set it back on the table. "I thought maybe you and Homura--or Karin--"
Hitsugaya snorted. "No, thank you. We're close to those two, but not *that* close. Just as well--if I was dating either one of them, we'd probably kill each other before the end of the week."
Awkward silence fell. The usual social scripts had fallen by the wayside, and Mami had no idea what to do next.
"The people you mentioned in your journal--the ones who you thought would like me--who are they?" she said at last. "Matsumoto is your aunt, I know, but I don't think I've met any of the others."
"Momo is my sister," Hitsugaya said with a wry smile. "If you meet her, it means that either the Incubator is gone and we won--or things are going very poorly indeed. Hyourinmaru and I are... closer than brothers. Like two halves of the same soul." He shook his head. "That's one of the things I can't talk about. I'm sorry."
Mami nodded. "I understand. Like I told Homura earlier, 'Whatever you do or don't want to say... I trust you'. If there's something more you're holding back, I'm sure it's for a good reason."
"Oh. ...Really?"
She couldn't blame him for his skepticism; not when she had had taken so many other revelations poorly. "I'm not going to be a burden anymore," she said through gritted teeth.
"I understand," he said quietly. "It's just... I'll forgive you if you change your mind later. It's easy to promise something when you don't have all the facts."
"Do Homura and Karin know?"
He nodded.
"Whatever it is can't be too terrible or else they wouldn't put up with you," Mami said, as if conducting a mathematical demonstration in class. "You'd tell me the full truth if you could, right?"
"Right."
Mami wasn't stupid. She'd seen Mr. Urahara pop Dr. Kurosaki's soul out of his body at the breakfast table. Between that and Hitsugaya's earlier admission that he could do something similiar when they were sitting by the koi pond, she'd put two and two together. But there was no point in telling Hitsugaya that if she wasn't supposed to know...
"Well," she said, trying to make light of the situation, "I have to admit I can't imagine anything weirder than what I already know about you. You and your family belong to a secret cabal that protects people from spiritual threats, you've seen horrors on a scale that makes what happened in Asunaro look routine, time travel is real, and all of us are going cease to exist when Homura resets the timeline at the end of the month. Next you're going to tell me you've been a ghost this whole time, or something--"
Hitsugaya blinked, with that stunned expression that suggested Mami's flippant guess had hit closer to home than she'd intended. Oops.
She was going to have to parse this particular revelation at great length later, once she'd had time alone to think it through. Right now, it was too much all at once, when she could barely even process everything else that had happened in the last few minutes.
Disturbing implications aside, however, it was easy to see why Karin and Sayaka enjoyed teasing him so much. Fortunately for him, Mami didn't enjoy making other people feel bad...
Aware of his slip, he was already backpedaling to change the subject. "So you don't mind being kept out of the loop for now?"
That was a no brainer. "I'll wait until you're ready to tell me, no matter how many timelines it takes."
Hitsugaya made a face. "Hopefully not that many. Pity the future selves that have to catch up on this madness after the first few go-rounds. They'll be so busy reading there won't be any time left to fight."
She let out a nervous giggle. If she wasn't careful, she was going to dissolve into full-blown hysterics, just like that day at the koi pond, and he was going to take it the wrong way, and that really would be too much right now. "So where do we go from here? You--me--everything-- I'm sorry, I'm so bad at this!"
Mami hated being bad at anything. It wasn't just the affront to her dignity, though that was awful, too--it was that any screw-up could get her killed, especially if she didn't have anyone watching her back. But there was something especially humiliating about admitting this to Hitsugaya, even if--especially if--it was true.
He reached out for her hand. "Can I?"
She let him guide her around the table, drawing her up beside him with one arm wrapped around her shoulder. Mami leaned into him, surprised at how warm he was despite his mastery over ice and cold. It was surprisingly comfortable. She... could get used to this.
"I think," he said after a few minutes, "that we just play it moment by moment, day by day, the same way that everybody else does. Beyond that...." He chuckled. "Somehow, we ended up right back where we started. You. Me. The end of the world. Those damn notebooks."
"Oh! We can write letters to each other!" Mami said. "Like an exchange diary! We can tell our future selves what happened, so we're not starting from scratch again!"
"More writing, huh," Hitsugaya said, shaking his head. "I'm not sure how I feel about that. I can't wait until Urahara invents a foolproof method for memory transference so we can just download everything directly from our past selves."
"Can he do that?"
"Given enough time? Almost certainly. Until then, we do it the hard way." He sighed, and ran his free hand through his spiky hair. "We should probably go back to the shop soon--the others will start to worry, and we need to figure out what we're going to say to them before that. About... us."
"Oh." Mami had been so caught up in their discussion she had all but forgotten what would happen when they rejoined their friends at High Spirits, but his use of the plural made her heart start beating faster again. "It's not any of their business!"
"Good luck convincing anyone else that," Hitsugaya said. "My vote is for the direct approach; it'll be a lot faster that way."
"Are you sure? What about--you know--all the teasing?"
"Honestly, once everyone gets the initial shock all out of their system, I expect it'll quickly simmer down to manageable levels," Hitsugaya said. "Now that I know how you feel"--he cracked his knuckles--"things are going to be very, very different. No, what I'm really worried about is there are people out there who will try to use it against me. Us."
Mami's face flamed. The Incubator had already tried to turn Mami against Homura and Hitsugaya once before--and had sicced Souju on Mami when that didn't work. "You think--"
"Not just the Incubator, though that's a possibility," Hitsugaya said, anticipating her train of thought. "Some factions in my, uh, organization-- the same people who would target Akemi for experimentation or removal if they knew the extent of her abilities--would probably be interested in you, too, if they knew how important you are to me. And not in a good way."
The sensible thing, Mami knew, would be to pretend this conversation never happened--bury her feelings deep down and keep going on as usual, for her own good. That would solve the problem. She'd been prepared to do that anyway, if Hitsugaya hadn't returned her feelings. Why was this any different?
Because he liked her, too, and they both knew it now. She didn't want to pretend otherwise. Was it selfish? Yes. Did she want it anyway? Yes.
She'd never imagined a simple confession could be this complicated, though...
"Now you see why I didn't say anything before," Hitsugaya said. "But... we're just going to have to be careful, that's all. I just want you to know there are risks beyond the surveillance cameras my uncle has installed in every room of his shop."
"I understand," Mami said, who hadn't registered that last piece until that moment, and was still coming to terms with it. "I don't... want to rush anything. I just want to be with you for, whatever that looks like, for as long as possible. That's all we can do in the time that is given us."
"Oh?" He tilted her chin back so she was looking up at him. "Maybe not the only thing... Before we go back to the shop, can I get a do-over on that kiss? I kinda botched it the first time."
"Of course. Just wait for Homura to reset the timeline, and--"
"You know what I mean." He bent and kissed her without waiting for further permission, lightly but with none of the hesitation that had characterized the earlier one.
"You realize this means I get to call you by your first name now," Mami said when they broke apart again. He was fiercely insistent on being addressed formally, for reasons she suspected were linked to the mysterious secrets he couldn't discuss. She'd humored him, one of the few in their friends group to actually do so, and she was tired of being left out.
"Everyone calls me by my first name, because Kurosakis don't believe in politeness, and everybody else follows their lead," Hitsugaya said. "But yes, you can call me 'Toushirou'." He shook his head. "That alone would be enough to let everyone know something's up. I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to all the stunned faces once they figure it out."
"I... have some thoughts about that," Mami admitted, unable to suppress a grin.
Hitsugaya--no, Toushirou--grinned back. "So do I." He reached for his abandoned cup of tea and downed the remainder in one gulp, before helping her to her feet. "If we're going to make a spectacle of ourselves, we might as well go all out."
We, Mami thought, brimming with pride, as she gathered up the dishes and carried them over to the kitchen. She'd been terrified of what might happen going into this meeting, but she'd come out the other side, with a far better outcome than she had ever thought possible. Despite the darkness outside the apartment, and the looming threats to come, she had a renewed hope for the future. I'm not alone anymore!
And with Toushirou at her side in this timeline and the ones to come, she wasn't afraid of anything.