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Wooyoung had always found it difficult to express himself well. It wasn’t so much the creative aspect of it; he was an artist at his core, but it was more how overwhelmed with emotion he can get. Wooyoung believed that life deserved to be lived - fully and completely, and that meant that he never tried to restrain his emotions. When he got hurt, a wound settling within the chambers of his heart, he never tried to prematurely heal his wounds. He let nature take its course, stitching the open cut together as slowly as it needed. And when he was proud and happy, he let himself express his emotions as plainly as he wanted, so he let tears of happiness flow and he let his laugh echo through the room.
There were times when his mind couldn’t figure out how to process his feelings. Times when a massive, intricate web of emotions assaulted his senses and nothing he could do could untangle it.
That is until his therapist had suggested writing. She said that because writing is a slow process, one where you can take your time thinking about exactly what it is you mean and what you want to say, it may help. And it did. Brilliantly.
When Wave won its first music program award, Wooyoung had burst out crying on stage, but it still wasn’t enough to release all the emotions he felt in that moment. When they got back to the dorm, tears still in his eyes, Wooyoung sat down for the first time to write and the words flowed as easily as can be. He wrote about how he looked back at Yeosang and a barrage of memories of the six years they had known each other whizzed by through his mind, and he just couldn’t hold it in. He wrote about how much work they had put in, the risks they had to take to achieve their dreams, and how utterly grateful he was that it actually paid off.
He wrote when he felt exhaustion overtake him during promotions for Fireworks and Kingdom.
He wrote when they got their first day off in what felt like forever.
He wrote when he saw the stars in the crystalline night sky one night after practice, attempting to capture their beauty within the words he wrote so he could relive the scene whenever he wanted to again.
And now they were in Jeju, filming yet another music video and all Wooyoung wanted to do was get back and write.
He was particularly wrought with emotion tonight.
Tonight, his mind had forced him to recall some of his most precious memories, almost like he was in a movie and the climax was happening and his life was flashing by him as he took the ultimate risk; the one that would eventually offer the movie its closure, bringing it to a perfect close. No one was home to help him navigate his thoughts as he sat there, alone in his room, Wooyoung pulled out his notebook and started writing.
August 2020
Earlier in the day, the team had dance practice as always and because it was demanding choreography; we had been at it for hours. I was tired, but I was invigorated; this is my favorite part - bringing together a song with the perfect dance to bring the story to life. We had finally nailed down the synchronization and just to lift people’s spirits; I fake fainted onto the hard floor of the practice room and laid there. You picked up on my little skit and came to resuscitate me, touching down on my chest, laughing at the sound of my giggles.
I think that's when it started.
It reminded me of a moment, back during our early months as a team and as a family, when we were at a fan meeting and I did the same thing - I fell to the ground, dramatically of course, and you had come over in the same exact manner you had done today.
Only today, you cupped my cheek, repeating the word ‘baby’ over and over again.
It wasn’t the first time you’ve called me that, but today, for whatever reason, this incident made me think of everything we had been through and all the precious moments we’ve had in our time together.
I remember on our first tour; we played a game where we had to blindfold you and you would touch one of the members and guess their identity. I don’t know how you did it, but it took you all of thirty seconds to guess that it was me. It may not have even registered to you, but it meant so much to me. We were still so new to each other and I had suspected that I cared for you more than you had cared for me, but that moment had reassured me that maybe you valued me as much as I valued you.
I remember when I was hurt, and I had to sit out on some of our stages. I tried my best to not show how upset I was that I couldn’t perform, but you always seemed to notice and recognize my mood - sometimes even before I recognized it myself. I remembered how you came over during the performance and danced for me, cheered me up and made me feel like I was still part of the performance even if I couldn’t dance. You brought so much happiness to me that day.
And every day since then.
I remember the night we learned the fake love choreography, all the laughs and smiles we shared into the hours of the morning.
I remember how we had that stupid little fight before one of our radio shows and everyone could tell we were mad at each other. I don’t actually remember why we had fought that day, but I remember how you whispered apologies to me as we danced to Fake Love. I remember how you hugged me after, still whispering in my ear for no one else to hear. The funny thing is that I wasn’t actually mad at you. Maybe for a minute, but even then I knew I could never stay mad at you.
I remember when I had first found amicus ad aras. I was scrolling through Latin phrases, trying to figure out what I wanted for my first tattoo, and I stumbled upon it. The first thought in my mind was how I felt about you; a partner till death. Showing the phrase to you terrified me, but I built up my courage and did it, anyway. I remember how you smiled and said that’s perfect for us. You said that we were forever, and that we were partners till death.
Of course, I remember when I won the relay race and the entire time I was running, I could hear you screaming my name, screaming support and keeping me going until the end. And when I crossed the finish line, you were the first person I saw, running towards me, picking me up and yelling in my ear about what a good job I did. I remember how even though it was just a measly relay race worth nothing to us in the long run; I wanted to make you and the rest of our team proud. But mostly you. Because then I’d get to hear you praise me and I’d get to see a smile on your face that I was the reason behind.
I remember when you’d told me you would give me your kidney if I ever needed it. I played around then, asking you what I meant to you and you said I was your other half. I think that stupid buzzer thing had said you were lying, but you insisted you weren’t. I really wanted to believe you. So I did.
I remember when on tour everyone asked me who my best friend was and I said Yeosang. You put on a show of being upset and I know deep down you weren’t actually but it still hurt me that I couldn’t explain that the way I felt about you went beyond best friends, that the way I felt about you was closer to a soulmate than a best friend ever was.
I remember when you said in an interview that becoming friends with me had been one of the best things you’ve ever done. I remember trying not to blush, trying not to let it get to my heart and make me see things that didn’t exist, but after the interview you told me again that you were serious and that you meant every word.
I remember when I did the ice bucket challenge, and I was standing there, freezing, shaking from head to toe and you didn’t care, you still hugged me. You hugged me, letting your warmth seep into my body and I hugged you back and suddenly I had forgotten all about the ice bucket challenge. I had forgotten that I was actually chilled to the bone because you were hugging me. You were hugging me and you were warm and so I was warm. You told me you’d do anything for me that day. I think that was when I took my therapist’s advice for the first time and wrote. I lost that notebook somewhere in the hurricane that is our dorm, but I remember words like ‘butterflies’ and ‘forever’ littering the pages.
I remembered so many more memories, but my hand’s already cramping and I have so much more to say.
I don’t think I’ve ever told you about how much I love it when you touch my neck and caress the bottom tresses of my hair. You seem to always know when my head is taking me to faraway places and I need grounding, your hand always finds my neck bringing me back to reality. You always steady me.
I wish I could tell you how hard it could be when you come cuddle me when we sleep, throwing an arm around my waist, and I have to keep myself from hugging you back - from pulling you in even closer. I hope you know that every time I refrain from throwing my arm around you in return; I hate every second of it. I wish I could cuddle you as we sleep as much as I want to, but I’m terrified of crossing an invisible line that I know is of my creation that could ruin our friendship forever.
Is it weird that you have a distinct smell to me? You smell like hemlock and bergamot with a hint of cucumber and because it's you; I forget when I catch wind of your scent that I hate cucumbers. I think your smell is my favorite aroma. You don’t know it, but just your fragrance can bring a sense of comfort to me. I smell the familiar hints of flower petals in the air and my body just relaxes, all the tense points in my body just fade. I think it’s because you smell like home to me.
It’s why I buy you the same perfume for your birthday every year.
I think my mother caught on to what was happening way before I did. I remember when she asked you to take care of me, in all seriousness and I was embarrassed, but then I saw you and you told her you would do your best and you were serious too. You told her that as long as you were by my side, you would always take care of me. I could tell that you meant it.
I had told her how you had been there for me, caring for me and supporting me for the past few years, and she had told me she could tell. She said she had a mother’s intuition and she could see that you are genuine. She told me you did things with care and that you did them with intent.
She told me that you were going to be in my life for a very long time, so I should take care of you as much as you take care of me. I hope I’ve done a good job of that so far.
I think my mother knew then how I felt about you. I think she was trying to tell me something, but I didn’t know what. I still don’t know what.
Do you know how much I crave your hugs? Part of me always assumed, you know. You have to. Have you noticed our bodies fit around each other perfectly? Have you noticed how my head rests on your shoulder so easily, like I was made to live in the crook of your neck, to memorize the freckles adorning your skin. Did you know you have twenty-four freckles? I counted once. You had fallen asleep after watching a movie, with me tucked in your arms and I couldn’t bring myself to sleep; I couldn’t think of anything other than the fact that you were holding me. I counted them that night. I also memorized the hard lines and edges of your face. I studied the slope of your nose and the individual strands of your hair. I did eventually fall asleep and waking up in your arms the next morning was the most ‘right’ I’ve felt in my entire life.
I know why I thought of all these things today. I’d figured it out a long time ago but I never had the courage to actually admit it. I think it might be time to finally admit it to myself.
Because I am so irrevocably, unconditionally and unquestionably in love with you, Choi San. You’re the first and last person I think about when I wake up and when I fall asleep. When I get good news or I achieve a goal - no matter how small - you’re the first person I want to announce it to. And when someone asks me where I picture myself in five, ten, fifteen, or even when I’m eighty, I do picture the team - but I always have you by my side, a fixture of my life, my partner forever. I picture you in the rocking chair next to me laughing at the world and all its endless beauties that never seem not to amaze you, San. I know I’m a lot to handle sometimes and at first; I thought maybe it’s just because you not only seem to handle me but to love me despite it. You cared for me and you loved me through my best and my worst. I don’t think that anymore. I think I’m just in love with you, San.
I love the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh and the way you can never seem to sulk for very long. I love how much you love plushies and how you need one to be able to sleep (probably because on some nights; I get to replace the plushie). I love how much you care about studying languages and the concentrated look you get on your face when you study English or Japanese. I love how happy you are; infectiously and unabashedly happy. You make me want to live life to its fullest desires and never miss a single moment, because that’s how you live life. I love how mature you can be about long schedules, big life decisions and even people stealing your food out the fridge but how you cross the line at eating vegetables.
I love how you always make an effort to love what other people love. You work in every friendship you have, making them feel like the most important person in the world. At least that’s how I feel when I’m with you. I love how you love my cooking. I love the endless amounts of playlists you make and share with the team. I love that you love reading and that when you’re reading a particularly magnificent scene, you always set down the book in a huff and pace around letting it process before picking it back up again. I love how you try to explain the plot of a mystery book and somehow always get the story mixed up but I never care because really I could listen to you rattle off the Korean Declaration of Independence and never get bored. I think I just really love your voice. I love how hard you work. Nothing is more inspiring than watching you grow, San. Nothing. I love how on that night when the sight of the night sky almost brought me to tears, you were there and you didn’t think it was weird that I was so moved and you looked up at them and then you looked at me and you said that beauty was meant to move the mightiest of mountains and the deepest of seas and that I was no exception. And you sat with me, as I wrote in my notebook about the stars that night, and watched me. You never left my side. Not on that night, and never in my life.
Sometimes, I look at you, San and the depth of emotions shock me with their intensity. Sometimes, it feels like my heart becomes so big when I’m with you that it feels like it's going to explode out of my chest.
My therapist told me once that maybe the more mundane moments of my life; the moments that overwhelm me might have more to do with something else; the inability to express myself in a different way.
She might be right.
San, I’ve noticed that on the day of our first win, I didn’t just look back at Yeosang. I saw you. I saw you and the pride, relief, exuberance and unrestrained joy in your expression. I saw my past with Yeosang and I saw my future with you. As part of our team and beyond.
And that night I emotionally collapsed during the Kingdom/Fireworks run, you had collapsed too. No one had slept. No one had properly rested and for the first time since what felt like forever, I saw your smile disappear and I think that might have been the first time my heart ever broke. I hope it never happens again.
And the first day off after that? We spent the whole day in your room, watching anime and random horror movies that you, of course, hated because you don’t get the point of horror movies and just don’t see why anyone would subject themselves to that as per the thousand times you said that that night. It was a good day. It was a perfect day.
I don’t know if you remember, but that night after practice, I didn’t notice the sky myself. I was so exhausted; I had my head in my phone, mind lost in the endless stream of nonsense coming from it. But you came up behind me, slung your arm around my shoulder and said, “All the stars in the world are coming to greet us tonight, Wooyoung. They came to take us home.”
She said that sharing these moments with you might be what has been making me feel what I’ve been feeling recently. Of course, at the time I was certainly in denial about the whole I’m-in-love-with-my-member-and-best-friend thing and I adamantly denied her.
I’ll probably have to get her basket of chocolates next time to make up for it.
This is the only thing I’ve ever lied to you about, you know. I just hope that one day I’ll be able to tell you about it.
One last time before I go,
I’m in love with you, Choi San.
-Jung Wooyoung
...
Wooyoung knew his time had run up, he had to come clean. He owed it to San, he owed it to himself.
San had accompanied Wooyoung when he got his first tattoo, proudly stating that he would want his first tattoo to be well thought out and that it would have something to do with his family or something that meant a lot to him. Wooyoung had laughed at the time and said he thinks San’s just scared of the needle but San had vehemently denied this, saying that he just wanted to make sure that he was completely sure of it and when the right thing comes to him, that’s when he’ll know it's time to get his first tattoo.
So when San had come barreling into Wooyoung’s room, announcing that he wanted to get a matching tattoo with Wooyoung - Wooyoung knew his time was up.
San wanted to get ‘amicus ad aras’ tattooed. He didn’t care where, he just knew he wanted to do it and he wanted to do it soon.
Of course, Wooyoung agreed. But he knew that he had to tell San. He had to tell him what a tattoo like that would mean to him before San did something he may regret.
Wooyoung tore out the pages he had written to San months ago from his notebook and placed them in a sealed envelope. He wrote a simple message on top of the envelope:
I need you to understand what this could mean to me.
Wooyoung left it on San’s desk that night.
...
Days had passed since Wooyoung had left the letter but San gave no indication that he had read it. He acted just like he usually did - as cuddly, happy and loving as he always was and it confused Wooyoung. He wasn’t sure what to think, but he pretended it was okay for him too.
It probably meant San didn’t feel the same way, but he was just that good of a person and figured the easiest way for the letter to go away was to pretend it didn’t exist.
So it was definitely confusing when San told him he scheduled their tattoo appointments for two days from then.
Wooyoung was starting to think that maybe Yunho had intercepted the letter before San got to it but before he could freak out about it, Wooyoung found a letter on his desk the night before their appointments with handwriting he knew too well scribbled on the top.
I understand.
…
May 2021
I’m sorry it took me so long to write this. To be honest, I have written and scrapped this letter more times than I could even count. I wanted to scrap this one too but I know I owe you a response before we go tomorrow so I hope this is adequate enough.
In short, I remember everything you talked about, Wooyoung. I remember all of it and more.
Did you know that time on tour, I had known it was you before I even touched you? I could recognize your footsteps walking over and now that I’m writing it, it sounds super creepy. But I promise it's because when I hear your footsteps coming down the hall to my room I get excited - I know I’m going to have a fun night.
To be honest, I wish I could forget the one time we had that big fight. I don’t remember what it was about either, but I hate that day. I know we fight a lot but I think we were stressed and tired and because we were late; we left the dorm angry at each other. I’d never spent that much time not talking to you since we had met, and I hated every second of the day. By the time we got there, I had forgotten what the argument had been about and all I cared about was making up with you. I’m really glad we did.
Also, that hug was my favorite hug I’ve had in my life.
Maybe. We’ve had some great other contenders, too.
Can I be honest, too? That night on tour, when you said Yeosang, I was actually a little upset. Part of me really wanted to hear you say my name. I know he’s your best friend and what we have is different, but I just wanted to hear you say something about me - something that solidified our relationship, something that confirmed to me what we meant to each other. I know it’s a little pathetic, so that’s why I said nothing.
I meant it about amicus ad aras, you know. We are tied together till the end of time itself, Wooyoung. I can promise you that.
I remember the night of the ice bucket challenge too. I think you forgot I was the one that actually suggested the challenge. I thought it would be funny, but I was a bit of an idiot and the second I saw you standing there freezing; I hated myself for making you do it. I know you don’t think it's a big deal but in my mind, I could only see you, chilled to the bones because of me. I had caused you pain and as trivial as it may seem to you; it was a big deal for me. So I tried to fix it the only way I knew how. I decided I would try and share the ice. Just like we share love, happiness, joy, exhaustion, sadness and so much more day in and day out. I hugged you and I shared my warmth and you shared your ice.
I hate seeing you in any kind of distress; you know.
I hate it.
I hated seeing you sit to the side, upset that you couldn’t perform, so I tried to make you feel better, make you feel included and just as much a part of the performance as I was.
I hate it when we have to work so hard that your smile fades, eventually.
I hate it when a movie gets too sad and your eyes get glossy and your mouth tips downward.
I hate it when someone says something off-hand, something they don’t realize hurts you, and I watch the light behind your eyes slowly dim.
I hate it when you creep into my room, sometimes in the middle of the night, talking about diets and weight with twinges of sadness and insecurity in your heart.
Wooyoung, I hate it so much that I promise I will spend every second of my life trying to make sure I don’t have to see you in distress again.
You’re perfect, Wooyoung. You’ve always been perfect to me. And since I’m making promises tonight, I promise that I will spend every second of my life trying to convince you, you’re perfect.
I don’t think you’ve realized it, Wooyoung but when your mother asked me to take care of you, I knew then. I had known for a while and so I did mean every word I said, and I still do.
I had known that I was falling in love with you then, Wooyoung.
And I agree, I think your mom definitely picked up on it.
I think she recognized that whenever you laughed, the corners of my lips would turn up because seeing you happy is like having ten thousand rays of sun directly kiss my heart.
She may have noticed how I hang on to your every word, even when you’re talking about the most tedious of things.
I think I just like your voice too.
I wonder if she noticed how I talked about you when she took me on a tour of your childhood house, telling me all the young Jung Wooyoung stories I could possibly ever want. I think she noticed I couldn’t get enough of them, and maybe that I loved hearing about you, no matter the time or setting.
She probably noticed when I slipped up and said something about being there for you forever. I think I let maybe a little too much adoration slip into my tone. She looked at me, though, like she was letting me figure it out on my own.
What she didn’t know is that I had figured it out already.
I knew I was in love with you. I knew all the way from the beginning.
I remember that it started when we started going to practice together, putting in longer hours to earn our performance roles, and we would be there for what felt like eons talking about everything and nothing. On some of those nights, the conversation would naturally turn into more serious topics, purpose and dreams revealed within the confines and the safety of the practice room and the two of us. I think I recognized that we were the same, then.
Underneath all the surface level differences, my introvertedness and your extrovertedness, my inhibitions to your freedom, my cool to your warmth, my patience to your restlessness - underneath it all, we were the same. We wanted the same, Wooyoung. Life meant the same to us. We wanted to live it in the same way.
Every day I notice something new that I love about you.
I noticed I love the way you dance, graceful and calculated.
I love the way you cook, the way I feel the love you put into each meal like it's a handcrafted gift to us. I guess it is.
I love that you love cycling with me. I thought it had more to do with the cycling itself and the fact that I would do anything with you that you asked me to than it does with me but I like that maybe I was wrong.
I love how inspiring you are. When I’m down and unmotivated, you always inspire me. Sometimes, all it takes is you being there with me and I feel energized. Sometimes, you tell me that I’m doing great and I just feel good. Sometimes I watch you dance and that in and of itself is the best inspiration I could get.
I love how your smile is quick to grace your face. It’s such a beautiful smile, you know. I think it’s my favorite smile of all time.
I love how your eyes crinkle when you laugh and your eyes twinkle.
I love your laugh. I love how I can hear it from a mile away. It makes me feel secure when we have to be separated for styling for a performance or when we have to mingle with different people, but all I can think of is how I wish you were with me.
It’s such an odd experience secretly loving you. So much of it was resigning myself that I could never have someone like you. Someone so loved by everyone. I mean, I have never seen anyone so capable of befriending everyone in the room as fast as you. Not only that, but somehow within ten minutes of meeting you everyone is willing to take a bullet for you.
I think it took like a minute for me.
I don’t know if you remember this but Seonghwa once said that you were hard not to love. He’s right. I always thought that was why I fell for you. Because everyone does. And for a very long time, I thought this was all I’ll ever be to you - another one of the many, many people in love with you.
I started thinking differently lately. I knew that I was special. I knew that what we had was special, that I was different from everyone else. I could see that you looked at me differently. You cared for me in a way no one else got to experience. I was scared the weight of your attention was just getting to my head, though.
I didn’t know that you could even possibly feel the same way about me as I feel about you.
When I first read your note, I thought I was being pranked - that someone had figured it out and decided to toy with me. But I know your handwriting too well for that. I knew you had written that and I’ve seen you write in those same notebook pages more times that I can count.
I wish I could paint the way I felt reading your words, Wooyoung. I think you would have really liked to see it but all I can say is that my heart felt like it was an asteroid on a course for collision with the entire world.
I want this tattoo now more than ever.
I love you, Wooyoung.
***
Wooyoung reread the letter over and over, through tear-stained lashes, until the wee hours of the morning.
For the first time in the time that they had known each other, both San and Wooyoung were painfully shy and quiet on the way to the tattoo parlor. They said little to each other. Just stole glances, shared secret smiles, and when the car would hitch on a speed bump, they let their hands stray to find each other, clasping onto each other’s fingers.
If the tattoo artist thought it was weird that two adult men were getting matching tattoos, he didn’t comment on it. Wooyoung went first, choosing the placement for both their tattoos - on their right thigh. It hurt more than his rib tattoo, and San automatically reached out to hold Wooyoung’s hands when he whimpered. It was almost instinctive; the urge to comfort Wooyoung preceding everything else.
And they stayed there, hand in hand as the words were forever imprinted into Wooyoung’s flesh.
San, for a first-timer, didn't utter a word or wince once throughout the whole thing. Wooyoung would have thought he didn’t feel anything if it weren’t for the occasional squeeze of the younger boy’s hand and the tears forming in San’s eyes.
Wooyoung didn’t think it had anything to do with the pain.
And sooner than even they realized, the twin words were mirrored in their skin, binding them together forever.
amicus ad aras
And soon after that, they would say that their favorite place to linger on, to cherish and to kiss sweet nothings into, would be the spot on their right thighs that held their most precious words.