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It was a quiet morning, like most mornings were at Hillerska. The grass was freshly trimmed like always, even though Wilhelm had never actually seen anyone cut it; in fact he wouldn’t be shocked to discover that a ghost was the one maintaining Hillerska’s polished appearance. How else would it stay so unchanging day in, day out. The birds were quiet too. Even if he strained, he couldn’t pick up on any sound other than his own trainers scraping against the concrete path as he walked.
Wilhelm was usually desperate for the quiet moments he could find. Even when he was just a child, he had always preferred to be by himself in a corner somewhere, where he didn’t have to worry about the pressure of the other children. Unfortunately, being told to act ‘properly’ around them - as per the royal protocol - had only sown the seeds of his anxiety, rather than molding him into a prince like it was supposed to.
But recently, the quiet was getting harder to deal with, and it didn’t offer him as much solace as it once did. On the one hand, he didn’t have to worry about keeping up appearances and pretending to be a crown prince when it was quiet, however it also left a seemingly infinite hole of empty space for his thoughts to flood into when the noise barriers holding them back dissipated. And Wilhelm was terrified of sinking in them, and drowning.
So it was a bit of a relief when the heavy silence was banished by the sound of the doors to Forest Ridge House being thrown open behind him, a blur of noise, and the rest of the rowing team stumbling outside to meet the day. His other thoughts could wait until the secrecy of the night to come out.
He felt an arm thrown round his shoulder. “Hey Wille,” Of course the first person to talk to him that day had to be August. Would he ever be free? The arm was an uncomfortable pressure on his shoulders.
“It’s nice to see you out of bed in time for once,” August pulled him in closer, tangling his fingers in Wilhelm’s hair and ruffling it until it stuck out in unnatural directions. Wilhelm did his best not to visibly grit his teeth, and shrugged the dead weight of August’s arm off instead.
He suddenly worried that would seem too rude. Was Simon going to be at the workout this morning? Though they had talked yesterday, there was still a buzzing inside Wilhelm that felt like it was always searching, pulling him to seek the other boy out when they weren’t together.
He settled with a low “Good morning, August,” and made an effort to quicken his pace down the path towards the bench where they would exercise. He didn’t look back.
---
August wasn’t going easy on them this morning. But Wilhelm didn’t mind because he got to look at Simon, lying flat on his stomach, propped up on his arms opposite him on the grass, out of breath and panting. A light shine highlighted his cheek bones. Wilhelm breathed deeply as well, the rising and falling of their shoulders in sync. Wilhelm flittered his eyes away, suddenly worried he would be caught staring.
It turned out he couldn’t resist the gravitational pull Simon had on him, because his eyes found their way back to him after what could only have been a few seconds. Simon was looking at him too. His face lit up in a beautiful, radiant grin. Wilhelm didn’t know, couldn’t understand, how one person could ever be this perfect. Wilhelm let his eyes roam, going where they wanted to go for once. He had a lovely neck, now that Wilhelm thought about it. It looked smooth, and soft. He wanted to touch it, but he couldn’t. His eyes drifted lower to the dip at the base of his neck, and then to his collarbones poking out from underneath his shirt. They were very nice too.
Simon shifted, pulling Wihelm’s gaze back upwards to look at him. A soft petal-pink flush now dusted the tips of his cheeks, and Wilhelm wondered if it was because of the exercise or because he’d noticed where Wilhelm’s eyes had just been a moment ago. The fresh morning sunlight glinted behind Simon, shining through his hair and outlining his curls in a golden glow, as if he was wearing a halo.
And then, Simon wasn’t smiling anymore. An entirely different expression shone on his face instead. Maybe slight confusion, but also something impossibly soft, gentle, and tender. No one had ever looked at Wilhelm like that. He tried to form a thought, but couldn’t hold onto anything meaningful except the boy in front of him.
The shrill ringing of August’s whistle cut between them, an intrusive reminder that they weren’t alone. Wilhelm’s mind was yanked away from Simon, back to the people around them. It felt invasive for something that metallic and cold to slice through the blossoming warmth that had been their tether a moment ago.
Wilhelm turned to the side, still lying on the grass recovering.
His breath stopped short in his chest when he saw August was looking straight at them. His eyes bore straight into Wilhelm, then flicked across to Simon, then back again.
“Five minute break,” August called. His eyes burned into Wilhelm’s skin. The air around him started to feel hotter and closer. It pressed around him like a second skin; the air he breathed in was condensing into liquid at the same time, running down his throat and filling his lungs with false oxygen.
He had to get out. Shaky legs only just supported him as he tried to stand; he suddenly felt very faint as blood rushed away from his head. Maybe this was his body’s solution - just force him to pass out so he wouldn’t have to experience any of this.
The fiery liquid began to pool in his heart as he made his way around the bodies on the floor, mumbling ‘excuse me’s’ even when he was pretty sure he was dying. At least his mother might be proud that some of the lessons she’d forced him to endure were ingrained. His legs moved by themselves.
He was at the door to the toilets - it felt like he had jumped ahead in time, the walk there had quickly slipped into blurry colours in his mind, his body working mechanically to make him forget the source of his panic attack. Although walking now felt like he was a feather moving against the current of a stream.
He almost fell into the nearest cubicle and fumbled to lock the door quickly. A flash of cold anger from his mother jumped at him when he closed his eyes - a special scathing look saved for whenever he displayed this kind of behaviour.
He couldn’t stop himself reacting this way. That’s how he knew for sure that he wasn’t supposed to be the crown prince - a true crown prince was brave, confident and sure of himself. He maintained calmness and control at all times. But Wilhelm wasn’t any of those things. He was a fraud, a fake, and a disappointment to everyone. He couldn’t even respect Erik’s memory properly by doing him the justice he deserved and behaving like a real crown prince should. He was a failure.
So really, the least he could do was make sure no one saw him like this.
The cubicle door was hard and solid against his back as he slid down it, like a wall closing him in. But he couldn’t open it. He wouldn’t. He held his head in his hands instead and struggled to breathe.
In, two, three, four
out, six--
The soft click of a door outside inspired a fresh wave of ice to surge through him.
He swallowed thickly, squeezing his eyes shut and hoping that whoever it was would just leave, and pay no attention to the figure clearly crouched against the other side of the cubicle.
“Wille?” The voice was soft but steady, gentle and warm. Safe.
“Simon,” A small sigh escaped him. He doubted he would ever understand why Simon simply uttering his name brought him such relief and such a deep feeling of comfort. He vaguely registered footsteps getting closer.
Almost as quickly as it had come, the sense of safety slipped away and left his heart stained with dread as he realised the reality of his situation. Simon knew. He knew Wilhelm was having a panic attack. He knew he was weak and fragile; breakable. Worthless. Suddenly, the idea that Simon might leave him after discovering how pathetic he was terrified him far more than the thought of August seeing them together did.
“No- wait, Simon please,” The words were like glue in his mouth, sticking his tongue to the back of his throat, choking him. “Please,” He struggled them out. “Don’t,”
He watched, helpless as the dark shadow of Simon crouched on the other side of the cubicle. Their backs would be touching, if not for the door in the way. His heart responded to the proximity on cue; it must have started pumping twice as hard, like it was trying to kill him. Why wasn’t Simon leaving? Why wasn’t he disgusted?
“Wille,”
He waited for the laughing to start, curling in on himself tighter. He was going to tease him and call the others to see how pathetic their crown prince really was.
“It’s okay.”
A silent tear rolled down Wilhelm’s face, and dripped onto his knee. Once one had paved the way, it didn’t take much for others to follow. He wrapped his arms around his shaking body and buried his face in the creases of his elbows in a valiant attempt to muffle his sobs that shuddered through him.
“Wille let me in now, okay?” His tone was urgent, and Wilhelm didn’t think twice before reaching an arm up to fumble with the lock on the door. It swung open, and he tensed up to stop himself from falling. But It wasn’t a problem for long. Simon stepped into the small space and sat down opposite, shuffling so that their knees touched. Wilhelm couldn’t meet his eyes. Instead, he reached up to the door again to try and pull it shut. “It’s okay Wille, I just locked the big door,” He lowered his arm. He couldn’t stop the tears. He wished they would stop. But, Simon wasted no time. He wrapped his arms fully around Wilhelm, encompassing him in his warmth and pulling him as close as possible. Wilhelm sobbed into him, heart thundering against his chest. Simon must be able to feel it. One of his hands moved to rub gentle circles into his back, while the other slid upwards into Wilhelm’s hair, stroking it gently as if he were a baby bird. He tucked a strand behind the other’s ear, hand coming to rest on the back of his neck.
He breathed in Simon’s scent - the one that belonged strictly to Simon, and pressed his face further into his neck. He felt Simon’s smile. Simon was magical. Wilhelm’s heart began to slow, and was beating at a steady pace again- in perfect synchronicity with Simon’s.
They rested there, peaceful and content.
Wilhelm would have been happy to stay here for a very, very long time in this serene silence that was so foreign to him, but he felt a need to reassure Simon, to check if he was okay.
Slowly, he pulled away from the comfort of Simon’s neck to look into his eyes. They were beautiful as always; deep and kind, like the setting sun. Simon was quiet - he simply looked back at him, with no indication of judgement or disappointment. It was strange, but very welcome. A hint of a smile played at Simon’s lips.
He decided to finally break the silence “Are you okay?” Simon raised an eyebrow, disbelief painted on his features.
“You’re seriously asking me that?” He slid his hands down Wilhelm’s shoulders, his arms, and to his hands to twine their fingers together. This was the best feeling - being melded with Simon. Locked together and complete, like he was the last piece to Wilhelm’s puzzle. He rubbed his thumb over Simon’s knuckle and grinned. “I’m okay, Simon,” He rested his head on the other man’s knees. “Thanks to you,”
Simon’s lips finally grew wide to a full smile - his eyes creased and appeared like they were dancing, and his nose wrinkled a little bit. Wilhelm knew at that moment that he would do anything to keep the sun shining through Simon’s face like that. Whatever he had to do, he would do it gladly. Simon was worth it all.