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1. A Tight Squeeze
"I'm not doing it."
"But why not, Wanyin?"
"Because you're fucking huge and there's absolutely no way you're going to fit?"
"Shh, Wanyin, there are children around! Plus, your legs are plenty long."
Jiang Cheng huffs and crosses his arms, completely exasperated. They're at some company summer social event, and his ridiculous husband wants to participate in one of those ridiculous relay races they ridiculously have going on. In this specific one, two partners race together to reach a goal, but they have to travel in a rather...unconventional way. To make any distance, one person has to crawl under the legs of the other, and then stay bent down as their partner then leap-frogs over them.
And because Lan Xichen just loves being on his knees for him, he wants to do the crawling. Which Jiang Cheng is rejecting, on the basis of his husband being over 6' tall and having shoulders wide enough to land a fucking airplane on. He can imagine it now, the constant sumo squatting, his thighs quaking as he tries not to tip over as his husband bullies his way under him. There's absolutely no way that he's going to do it.
"Please, my love?"
Jiang Cheng scrunches his eyes shut, because his husband has taken that tone of voice with him. The one that he knows gets him to do anything he asks of him, the bastard.
“Wanyin…”
He’s needling now, but Jiang Cheng is strong. They’ve been together for so long, he has defences, he can resist this, the humiliation isn’t worth it, he’s used to Lan Xichen’s begging, he -
About ten minutes later, he’s planting his feet firmly into the ground as Lan Xichen’s shoulders brush by his calves. He’s trying very, very hard not to laugh, because then he’ll reveal that he’s actually having fun , and he can’t fucking have that.
But then Lan Xichen looks over his shoulder and wiggles his ass at him as he waits for Jiang Cheng to vault over his back, and he can’t help the smile that cracks out of him.
As he pushes himself off of Lan Xichen’s back, he vows for this to be the last fucking time that he spreads his legs like this for his husband. But the mean, competitive streak in him is starting to kick in, so all of that inhibition starts to fly out of the window so he can focus on destroying fucking Steve from accounting and his partner that kept cutting him in line for a beer earlier.
They have a ridiculous race to win, burning thighs be damned.
2. Slippery
"It's going to leak."
"No, it won't."
"It's going to leak, and get all over the place, and we're going to have to do an extra load of laundry to clean everything up."
"I'll use protection!"
Jiang Cheng looks at his husband skeptically from where he's sitting on the couch, slowly petting their dog. "Use protection? Like what, a ziploc bag?"
Lan Xichen is standing before him, mouth in a slightly exasperated frown, and holding a block of parchment-wrapped butter.
"Yes, Wanyin," he mutters, cocking his hip out and placing a hand on it in a pretty spot-on imitation of him . Fuck, when had he taught his husband that ? "I'll put it in a ziploc bag, so please can you just put this in your lap while you're petting the dog, so it'll soften and I can make these cookies?"
He sounds so completely unimpressed that it's impressing Jiang Cheng, and he almost wants to deny him for a little longer just to see what'll happen. But he has a sneaking suspicion that his husband will be coming out on top no matter what he does, and so he'd might as well acquiesce now while he can still get some cookies out of it.
"Fine," he grumbles, and he might roll his eyes a little dramatically at Lan Xichen to try to get a rise out of him. "I don't understand why you can't just leave it out on the counter though, or do it yourself."
"You know perfectly well why I can't; you're always complaining about how cold I am! Unless you're offering to warm me up first…?"
Jiang Cheng scoffs, raising his legs up on the couch and spreading his knees apart until he can tuck his feet under him in a cross-legged position. "Just give me the butter."
Their dog settles his massive head back into his lap, having been jostled out of the position he was in before. He snorts once, before closing his eyes again, and when Lan Xichen returns the butter gets softened up fairly quickly between the heat of Jiang Cheng's thighs and the fluffy mass of their dog's head.
When he gives the squishy lump back to his husband, there is in fact a small amount of leakage from the parchment into the bag. Jiang Cheng feels strangely smug, looking at the smudge of oil pooled in a corner.
"Well, Wanyin," Lan Xichen says as he looks at it, mild surprise colouring his features. "You have hot thighs."
Jiang Cheng snorts. "Thanks?"
"I think I might need to check them, just in case you have a fever or something."
"Huh? Wh - Lan Huan! I'm not sick! YOU DON'T CHECK FOR FEVERS THERE!"
In the end, Jiang Cheng has to soften the butter up again and put his husband in timeout for dubious medical crimes. But at the very least, he (eventually) gets some cookies out of it.
3. The One Where Jin Ling is Mortified
"Jin Ling"
" Jin Ling "
"JIN LING"
"What!" Jin Ling snaps, picking his face up from his jiujiu's dog’s stomach and stopping his very important task of patting him and calling him a good boy. "What do you want, Jingyi? Can't you see that I'm busy here?"
Lan Jingyi is looking completely unimpressed, and Jin Ling bristles. He just wants to pet this dog, because being a teenager is horrible, but this fluffy white cloud is not, and it brings him comfort, ok?
Lan Jingyi leans down towards him, his eyes turning furtive as he brings a hand up to his mouth, as if it'll cover up the fact that he doesn't know how to whisper.
"Jin Ling...I think your uncles...are doing it."
"Doing what?"
"You know. The sex ."
It's Jin Ling's turn to look unimpressed, and he brings his hand up to swat Lan Jingyi's away because they're blocking his access to the dog's fluffy ears.
"Why does that matter?" He asks, trying to fight down the embarrassment he feels around having his uncles and sex being in the same sentence . He's 16 now, he's practically an adult, thinking about sex is fine , even if thinking about his jiujiu having sex is…yuck. "They're married. I think that's allowed."
"No, you don't get it," his friend continues, his 'whispering' becoming more fervent. "I mean that they're doing it, right now."
Jin Ling pauses again, raising an eyebrow. He can't really believe it; his jiujiu would never be so shameless to be doing anything like that while he and Jingyi were here. Though...it has been a while since he's seen either of them…
"You sure you didn't bonk your head on the stairs again, Jingyi? I don't - "
"Shh shh... listen ."
Lan Jingyi puts his gross fingers over his mouth to shut him up, and Jin Ling has to suppress an urge to lick his palm so he'd release him. He's just about to push him away, before his ears pick up the distinct sound of his jiujiu...groaning?
It’s a deep, almost rumbling kind of noise, and unmistakably in the same voice that yells at him to please put his goddamn dishes in the sink and begrudgingly asks him how his father is doing.
Jin Ling stops, and three pairs of ears perk up and turn towards the door at the end of the hall, where they promptly hear his jiujiu sounding...strained and breathless.
“Xichen,” he pants out, “you’re too much. I can’t go any further.”
“Just a little more, Wanyin,” his other uncle replies, calm and smooth as usual but also sort of...pitched lower than it usually is? “Just hold on for a little longer for me, hm? It’s for your own good.”
Lan Jingyi is completely losing it, gesturing wildly at the door with his eyes wide, his sleeves flapping every which way with his arms. Jin Ling, on the other hand, is frozen completely still and slowly turning into a tomato.
This needs to stop. He needs to stop this right now .
There’s another groan , and Jin Ling can’t take this anymore. He doesn’t deserve this. And if his jiujiu taught him anything, it’s that he shouldn’t accept anything less than what he thinks he deserves.
“Jin Ling? What are you doing?!”
He’s robotic as he stands up, the dog scrambling to his feet beside him. He marches towards the door, his hand already raised up in a fist to knock before he’s even halfway to it.
“JIUJIU!” he shouts, and he hears a surprised thump . When he gets to the door, he’s completely aghast to see that it isn’t even closed completely, and with the force of his steps it already starts to creak open to the scene inside.
It’s with horror that his eyes start to move from the floor to...stay on the floor, because his jiujiu is currently sitting on it, his legs spread apart with his torso bent over it. His uncle is pushing on his jiujiu’s back, making him stretch a little further down, and he’s smiling a little confusedly at him.
They’re both fully clothed, in tanks and leggings, and sure Jin Ling hasn’t had much experience with sex but he’s pretty that this isn’t it.
Lan Jingyi comes crashing into him from behind at that moment, and there’s a scramble as the two gangly teens try not to trip and fall flat on their faces. It’s mostly successful, if only because Jin Ling manages to grab on to the dog and right himself before he gets hit in the face by Lan Jingyi’s elbow.
“What, you brat?” his jiujiu snaps from the floor, his head still bowed over it. “Why did you call for me so loudly? You trying to make me go deaf already?”
“Uh…” Jin Ling stutters, and he looks to Lan Jingyi as his friend stares at Lan Xichen in wonderment. “We uh...we wanted to know if uh...if we could go for a walk and take the dog?”
There’s a pause, and Jin Ling’s heart is hammering in his throat, because he’s not about to admit that he just burst into the room because he thought they were having sex . Oh god. What was he thinking? WHAT IF THEY WERE? This was all Jingyi’s fault, he’s never listening to him again.
“...Yes. Now leave.”
Jin Ling nods, and hurriedly closes the door behind him, pushing Lan Jingyi out as he does so, the dog barking at their heels.
“Wow, your uncles can get dressed really fast,” Lan Jingyi says, his voice a little bit in awe, and Jin Ling wants to smack him so very, very badly.
+1 The Time Lan Xichen Spreads Them for Him
"Fuck! Shit, how am I going to get this out?"
"It's not so bad, Wanyin,"
"It's sticky. And white. And sticky things stick. “
“That’s a very astute observation.”
“Shut up. You couldn’t have, I don’t know, aimed it or something?”
Lan Xichen smiles amusedly, turning around for a second to place the bowl of vanilla ice cream on the coffee table.
“I know you think I'm capable of many things, Wanyin, but unfortunately I do not control the rate or the trajectory of falling ice cream.”
Jiang Cheng gives him a scathing look.
"Why not?" He asks in his most deadpan tone of voice, just to be annoying. But Lan Xichen, his sweet, unruffled, entirely too accommodating of a husband, simply smiles at him. He kneels in front of him, then, and Jiang Cheng thinks he's about to play into whatever schtick they're doing and start groveling, but he places his large, warm hands on his knees instead and starts to gently push them apart.
"What are you doing?" Jiang Cheng asks, crossing his arms across his chest. His fists close a little tighter when Lan Xichen starts to run his hands up along the inner seam of his stained pants, his thumbs stopping to rub small, sensitive circles just before the junction of leg and hip.
"I'm helping," his husband replies, and then dips his head down to lick at where the ice cream had fallen, right on Jiang Cheng's crotch.
Jiang Cheng can feel his cheeks flame immediately and by pure instinct he starts to push at his husband's shoulders. He knows his efforts are futile, however, when Lan Xichen simply uses his teeth to pop off the button of his pants and pull down the zipper.
"This isn't...This is not helping," he protests weakly, but he's already fisting his hand into Lan Xichen's hair, already pushing his head down closer .
"Mmm, helping myself, maybe," his husband replies, and then Jiang Cheng loses any and all ability to think clearly enough to shoot back some witty remark.
He supposes, in some hazy, horny back alley of his mind, that if his pants are already stained then making them a little stickier really won't make all that much of a difference.