Chapter Text
The eerie nervousness and the non sensical longing he felt when he wasn't around him—it made Heeseung feel suffocated. But, then, the sheer excitement he felt when he saw him after a painfully boring month, it was a whole different story to talk about. He didn't understand anything—this weird feeling of wanting way more, way more than what he had. And, this drowsiness that tugged the strings of his heart when he left; was this normal?
Maybe it was. He had every right to miss his best friend and after a whole month of not having any sort of interaction—not even a quick hello on the phone or a small hi in the campus—it might have just been the lack of Sunghoon's presence in his life.
It was nothing else. It wasn't.
"You're—you're kinda lovesick, hyung." Sunoo gasped. Heeseung could hear the crickets in his mind at Sunoo's implication. He'd only been lying on the sofa, trying to get himself to think also while watching the music bank, but then his little friend had to drop that on him.
"Can you for a single moment take your head out of the kdramas you watch all day and give me some real advice instead?" He straightened himself, instantly shushing sunoo who was trying to voice something out. "No—listen! Sunoo-yah, how am I supposedly lovesick when I don't even love sunghoon? I mean—i love him, I really do. Just not that way, you know."
Air inside of his living room have seemed to stiffen all of a sudden, an awkwardness lingering between him and sunoo. It was a weird outbreak; was it necessary to even be so defensive? Not really. Sunoo was shooting this look at him now, the one that desperately told him he was an absolute idiot for whatever he just said and that he was judging him. "Then why do you think you're acting this way? No—let me give you a better one. . .why did you call me saying sunoo-yah, I'm feeling weird. Can you come and help me out with your little scared boy voice?"
"I wasn't scared." He immediately said.
Sunoo scoffed. "That's the only thing you got from that? Lee Heeseung, you're dense as it gets. Just from whatever you told me. . .hyung, believe or not, I can tell that you're totally in love with Sunghoon hyung. No point in denying, especially in front of me."
His heart was erratically beating now. Love, huh? He gulped. Tension in his chest was rising, like he'd been held at a gunpoint, that too by his own mind—seeking answers from his heart. True answers.
Sunoo sighed. "Okay, let me ask you a quick question, how many days had you not seen sunghoon hyung?" He turned the TV off, complete silence settling in. Then he rose up from the floor and swiftly sat besides him.
"A month, I think." Heeseung sighed, deliberately ignoring the 'oh, I see. That's why I'm right' look sunoo was throwing at him. "And since you want me to repeat it. . .I saw him yesterday morning. For like five minutes."
"Hmm. .okay." sunoo was nodding his head with a smile he seemed to be keeping for himself. "And me? How long has it been since we met until now? A month or two probably?"
"I think so?"
"So what about me?"
"What do you mean what about you?"
"Did you not miss me? Did you not feel nervous when you didn't get to see me? Like you'd trip and fall and lose your sight of if you didn't get to see me? And what about now? Are you happy the same way you were happy when you saw Sunghoon hyung yesterday?"
Shit. Shit. Shit. He opened his mouth only to shut it as quickly as possible. He'd been cornered down; it was quite apparent that he was at loss of words because whatever sunoo was trying to do, it was working—he hated that.
"Come on. . .I'm waiting, hyung."
He sighed. His lips trembled as he tried speaking again; there was no escaping to the Kim sunoo, frankly—and he knew it was just a matter of time for the denial to wear off. Sunoo and his knowing smile wasn't helping at all.
"N-No. I mean—I'm really happy that you're—" a questionable raise of sunoo's eyebrow was enough. "Okay. Fine. I—I didn't feel the same way. I'm sorry, fuck, i—sorry, sunoo-yah." He rubbed the back of his neck, complete embarrassment taking over. He wanted to dig up a hole big enough to bury himself in and never come out of it.
Alternate to that idea—He buried his head in his knees, pulling them close and hugging them tight.
"Hyung. Why. . .why are you doing this? You know right—you know that you like him? He's not just a friend to you. Not in the way I am." Sunoo was the one sighing now. Seemed like he had enough fun now that he was finally giving him the consolation he needed.
"He's taken." He breathed. It was barely audible, just tiny whispers. "Sunoo-yah. . .he's taken."
Sunoo made a noise of confusion, like he couldn't catch what he'd said. And Heeseung was glad, so glad that sunoo hadn't heard him even a bit. He instantly rose his head; the fog inside of his mind finally seemed to have cleared up. He raised his head and faced the ceiling this time. "No. I—i mean, maybe it's just my attachment issues acting up, you know? Sunghoon and I. . .we've been attached to each other's hips since the past two years. He's finally getting busy and I just, god, I'm missing him a lot more than usual."
He couldn't possibly ever be in love with Sunghoon; there was just no chance to that. Sunghoon was just a friend, his best friend who'd he hate to lose just because of something as stupid and unnecessary as romantic feelings.
He bit his own tongue softly, eyes shutting close as he rested his back against the sofa. It felt like his heart was being twisted in a cruel manner; he should've never opened this door for the sake of his sanity. This all was a mistake he'd never want to repeat—sunghoon was his best friend who already had a loving boyfriend. The equation would never match. Never.
"God, are you serious?" Sunoo scoffed ever so slightly, finally breaking him out of his trance. His eyebrows were furrowed and he looked completely dissatisfied with whatever he just said. "Hyung, even if you aren't lovesick right now, you will become lovesick at one point if you keep on letting your head win instead of your heart."
"what do you even mean by that?"
Sunoo seemed to have given up this time, "Okay whatever helps you sleep at night."
They were back at it again. Silence hovering between the two of them while sunoo busied himself with his phone and Heeseung did just the same with his own thoughts. His hand flew over to the top of his eyes, pressing them shut. A vivid image of sunghoon came over like some kind of reminder of the conversation he just had with sunoo.
"Why is he busy right now though? I'm pretty sure is boyfr—oh." Sunoo definitely slapped his hand across his mouth; he could tell by the sound. "is—wait, shit. .sorry. I forgot."
It was a silent laugh that brewed out of him. "It's fine. It is."
Sunoo cleared his throat. "I mean. . .is—is he busy because of his boyfriend or something? I don't think you fall that low in his priorities."
"Pretty sure he's busy with uni stuffs, also the volunteering at the NGO, extra classes and all. It's his final year too so. . ." It pained him to just think how tired sunghoon must be. They were all adults, they had to work at one point of course but he saw him—the tired eyes, the eyebags underneath his eyes; it scared Heeseung. "I'm worried for him. He pushes himself too hard sometimes; it's not good, you know. He doesn't even have time for his boyfriend, apparently."
"What do you mean?"
"It's just. . .he sounded pretty sad. His boyfriend has been busy too and that they've barely spent any time these days." And it struck him. Even after sunghoon clears his schedule to be a little free, he'd probably want to spend more time with his boyfriend than Heeseung. It felt like his heart was pulled out of its place and trampled on. Why did it have to even be like this?
Sunoo hummed in response. "He's kinda perfect though, isn't he?"
It was rather automatic—the way his lips turned upwards at that. "Too perfect."
And then laughter echoed inside of his living room and he realized he'd been set up. His eyes stuck open and he found sunoo curled up, laughing with tears in his eyes. "What?"
"God, i—" he finally stopped laughing, a big smile still plastered on his face. "You're so funny hyung. I mean. . .who would call his best friend perfect in the most obscenely desperate and romantic way? Not me."
"Yah, Kim sunoo. . .I literally just said I don't like him like that—" his phone started ringing. He swiftly threw a look at sunoo before reaching out for his vibrating phone on the table.
His breath hitched at the contact name.
"Who is it?" Sunoo seemed to have noticed it too—the way he froze and swallowed the big lump that formed inside of his throat.
"Sung—sunghoon." It was barely a whisper. He couldn't even tell if he was dreaming after he slept while talking with sunoo or it was actually his best friend, especially after the talk he just had about him.
Sunoo snickered. "Just pick it up, gosh."
"Oh yeah. .okay." He sucked in his breath. There was this excitement mixed with a hint of nervousness brewing inside of his stomach, eating him alive before he could even hear Sunghoon's voice. Dang it.
"hello—"
"Ajhussi! One more bottle please." What? His eyebrows furrowed. Sunghoon's voice sounded slurred, like he was already down three bottles of soju. "Sunghoon-ah, are—are you drunk?"
"drunk? Me? Of course not. It'll take me more than just three bottles." Sunghoon giggled. he hated that his heart jumped a little after hearing that, especially knowing the circumstances.
"Hoon-ah, why are you—are you okay? Did something happened?"
"yeah but who are you to ask me that? Are you my father?"
Oh. Okay. "You have work tomorrow, hoonie. It's nine already. Are you sure you're fine? Did something happen?"
"So many questions." that damn giggle again. Heeseung might be going insane now.
"Just tell me, alright? I'll pick you up."
"Who even are you? My guardian angel? I don't give my address to strangers. I'm—"
"I'm Heeseung, hoonie. Lee Heeseung."
Silence. He could hear the muffled sounds of the people around sunghoon, presumably doing the same thing as his stupid bestfriend. A moment passed yet the lack of response made him feel restless; he stood up and walked straight towards his room to grab his jacket. "I'll just check your location. Don't even dare to move an inch—"
"Hyung." Heeseung's footsteps faltered. It was like Sunghoon's emotions took a complete different turn; he sounded vulnerable, broken even. "I'm so. . .why me?"
"Stay right there. I'll come get you."
—
It was so strange. Sunghoon was never the type to break his perfect persona; he was always clean, extremely well dressed and elegant, never the type to let himself falter or break over small things. But, this sunghoon, the one who was drowning himself in alcohol at a random restaurant near their university; it surprised him to the core. What happened?
"Hoon-ah." It'd taken him about fifteen minutes to get there yet in the same span of time, sunghoon had managed to finish two more bottle of soju. Sober sunghoon was going to completely go feral; he could already imagine sunghoon scolding himself for being so reckless. "Is everything alright?"
Sunghoon had his hands on his head, completely unaware of Heeseung's presence in front of him. He finally raised his head to look at him, face red and eyes squinted. "Heeseung hyung. .?"
He felt himself smiling; he hummed, using a hand to brush off the bangs plastered against sunghoon's forehead. Even when he was no longer sober, even when he could barely figure out what was going on under the influence, sunghoon looked beautiful. Not again.
Sunghoon broke into a small cry, his head falling down on the table. He looked like he was bearing alot in his shoulders and one moment away from breaking down. Heeseung sighed, unable to think what to do; he swiftly brushed his hand against the crown of Sunghoon's head before sitting up and moving to pay towards the counter.
Even while he was at the counter, he didn't want to leave his eyes off of Sunghoon. He didn't know what was going on and why was sunghoon acting like this; it was so out of character for him to drink this much and that too at a local restaurant with no company at all. Was he stressed? Or was it something else?
"Here's your change." Heeseung turned towards the front again. He took the change from the woman. "Thank you."
Quickly walking back towards sunghoon, he tapped onto his shoulders first. "Sunghoon-ah, let's go home, hm?"
Sunghoon shook his head left to right.
"No?" Heeseung sighed. He wasn't going to let sunghoon sleep in here; that was for sure. So he pulled him up gently and since sunghoon didn't even protest a bit, he took it as a sign and steadied him under his hold. Sunghoon looked at him with his intoxicated eyes, glassy yet soft and a tiny smile popped on his face. It all felt too easy—to lose himself in Sunghoon's smile, even when the circumstances were like that.
Sunghoon's head then fell onto his shoulder; he was definitely too drunk to even stand still. He pulled the bag that was on the chair, trying his best to catch it despite sunghoon blocking it. "Sunghoon-ah, we have to go home, okay? Just put your hand around my shoulder and I'll walk you out like that. There's an Uber waiting for us outside."
He could hear some sort of mumbling but obviously, he didn't understand any of it. It took some time for sunghoon to stand straight again; he did what he was told though. Once his hand was on his shoulder, he placed his hand around Sunghoon's waist from the sides. It was hard walking but he somehow managed to make it out of the restaurant, Sunghoon's head drooping low as they walked side by side.
"What happened, hoonie? Is everything okay?" The Uber was still five feet away from them and he knew he had to ask him at one point. Better do it before sunghoon fell asleep inside of the Uber or something. "You've never drank this much."
Sunghoon took in a sharp breath. His hands cluched onto Heeseung's hoodie a little harder than before and he stopped walking momentarily.
"I mean you don't have to tell me right now if you don't want—"
"He cheated on me." It was barely a whisper. But then sunghoon repeated it again; it sounded as if he was trying to grasp on to a situation he didn't know was real or not.
Heeseung's body felt numb for a moment. His eyes went wide, completely unable to feel anything until anger took over his body—head to toes. "What—are you telling me he cheated on you? He. . .that ugly asshole? Sunghoon-ah—"
"Caught him red handed with a senior." Sunghoon sounded completely broken; it tugged the strings of his heart painfully.
Heeseung sighed. "Please. . .please tell me you broke up with him. Landed a slap too. Please."
Sunghoon giggled at that. "I didn't but. . .the senior did so it's fine."
Heeseung had never wanted to hunt down a man and hit him on the face this much before. But he had sunghoon to deal with first. He opened the door of the parked Uber and gently placed sunghoon inside. Shutting it hard, he took a deep breath before moving and getting inside from the other side of the car.
Sunghoon was staring at him as he gave the driver the address of Sunghoon's apartment building. He looked solemn, completely reddened because of the alcohol and his forehead covered with his ruffled hair. He sighed at the sight, "hoon-ah, you should've punched him in the guts, you know? Or do you want me to do that for you next time when I see—"
The car started moving, so did his heart but in a much faster speed. Sunghoon buried his face in the crook of his neck, his hands travelling around his body. Heeseung was frozen for a moment but again, he wanted to do nothing but comfort him. His hands were quick to travel around Sunghoon's body; he brought him closer and somewhere inside of his selfish heart, he was glad that he was the one sunghoon wanted to be held by after all of that.
"Don't worry, hoonie. Everything's gonna be fine."
—
"Sunghoon-ah, what was your passcode again? 154831?" It had been hell lot of work to make sunghoon walk, especially with elevator having problems. Climbing the stairs with a drunk sunghoon night be something he'd never want to experience again in his life. He had never been more thankful that Sunghoon's apartment was just in the second floor, otherwise he'd been one step closer to death already.
Sunghoon seemed completely lost. "What passcode?"
"Your passcode, sunghoon-ssi. The one key to your apartment." Heeseung groaned in pure frustration. Sunghoon watched him with his squinted eyes, his hands still clutching onto his jacket. He smiled suddenly, like he knew Heeseung would never get to win against him with that pure smile of his.
His breath felt stuck. "Wh—what?"
"1. . .5. . .0. . .32. ." Sunghoon stopped. ". . .81."
Heeseung sighed in utmost relief as the door finally opened. Completely unhinged, he took his slippers off near the door and dragged sunghoon towards his room despite his whinings about wanting to open his own shoes and how it would dirty the floor.
He pushed the door open, complete darkness hovering inside of the room. He used one hand to feel the switch on the walls while the other held onto Sunghoon's waist, trying to keep him still. Finally. The light were turned on and he could see the room clearly now. Clean and put together as always. He made Sunghoon walk a bit slowly this time, placing him on the edge of the bed softly.
Sunghoon just sat there, eyes set on his shoes. Was he worried that he dirtied his apartment? It made Heeseung laugh, honestly. Even under heavy influence, park sunghoon was still the same—a clean freak. He ran a hand through his hair, before crouching down to take the shoes off of sunghoon.
"You're really making me take care of you, hm" Heeseung chuckled, focusing on the untying the laces. It wasn't like it bothered him anyways, he'd do anything for sunghoon and he wouldn't even have to ask. Anything.
Silence followed his words and he managed to take one shoe off. He then shifted his hand onto the other, a private smile on his face, completely hidden from sunghoon.
"hyung." sunghoon mumbled.
Heeseung hummed in response. Finally taking the other shoe off, he patted on Sunghoon's thighs and turned his head upwards. "There. Done. Are you happy—sunghoon? Hoonie. . ."
Sunghoon was crying. Tears were streaming down of his eyes and his lips were slightly turned downwards; he felt a hard jab on his chest just by the very sight of him crying. It was so rare to see him crying, since he often masked his emotions well. But, there he was, looking at him with tears and mouth opening just to shut down once again.
Heeseunh rubbed a tear of his face, a twisted expression on his face. "Hoonie, please. Don't."
"He was. . .he was my first actual boyfriend." Sunghoon sobbed, his cry muffling onto his hands as he hid his face away from Heeseung. It hurt him. Don't cry for him, sunghoon. He wanted to say it. He doesn't deserve your tears. He wanted to shout. Please, don't cry over that guy.
But his instincts were running wild; he wanted to do so many things that he knew wouldn't be allowed for he was just his friend. He stood up, backing away for that very same reason.
"Was I not enough?" It was muffled yet Heeseung could tell what he meant. "did he really have to go out and cheat on me with a girl when all I've ever done is love him?"
He took a step forward.
He wrapped his hands around the Sunghoon's head. Sunghoon flinched under the sudden hold for some reason; it made him question himself for a moment. Should I back away? It was all that he thought until he felt hands wrapped around his waist. Sunghoon nuzzled his face softly into the fabric of his jacket, crying louder than before.
"It's okay. You're allowed to cry, hoonie. He didn't deserve you; he didn't."
Sunghoon didn't stop crying. He cried until his sobs were no longer something unheard to Heeseung, he cried until Heeseung could feel the coldness from his tears on his skin, he cried until Heeseung wanted to do nothing but hold him tighter against his own body, run fingers through his hair and pat his back softly. He cried until exhaustion took over him and Heeseung felt the grip around his waist slowly loosening itself.
They stayed like that for a while. Just the two of them. Just Heeseung and sunghoon.
He could tell that Sunghoon was sleeping at that point. He slowly pulled away to find just that; sunghoon had shut his eyes down, his cheeks wet from the tears and his face slightly puffy. Even in his sleep, he was frowning; it made Heeseung laugh. "Cute."
He pushed him down on the bed, gently moving his body to put his head down on the pillow. A thought of changing his clothes popped in his head but then his face reddened and his body went slump. Maybe he should just leave it at this; sunghoon was wearing sweats and a hoodie anyways.
A sigh made it out of his body as he pulled the blanket to cover Sunghoon's body. He got off of the bed once that was done. There it was again, his heart trying to break out of his ribcage. Sunghoon wasn't even doing anything, just sleeping and Heeseung felt like he could drop on his knees and let out a cry because of just how much affected he was because of this guy that randomly showed up in his life two years ago.
He felt like a creep at one point, staring at a person deep in slumbers with a wide smile on his face. But, again, sunghoon was just so beautiful; he couldn't help it. Even after crying his heart out, he looked absolutely magnificent. His closed eyes, his red nose, his flushed cheeks and his puffy lips. Everything was just so flawless about him.
God. He's so beautiful.
Heeseung despised himself at the moment too. Sunghoon was having a tough time. He broke up with his 8 months boyfriend and that being his first boyfriend as well he couldn't imagine how the younger was feeling yet the older was somehow happy that sunghoon wasn't taken anymore.
"Your feeling towards him isn't platonic unlike me. You feel completely different for me and him. You are into him." His brain suddenly recalled sunoo's words. Speak of the devil, his phone started ringing in his pocket and it was sunoo's.
"Hyung, Is everything okay?" Sunoo immediately questioned as he picked the phone up.
"I guess? Sunghoon's boyfriend cheated on him." Heeseung clench his fist at the thought of the male having the audacity to cheat on sunghoon.
"What- ugh I told him to not give that fucker a chance. Getting with sunghoon hyung must've boosted his ego and probably thought it'll be cool to cheat. I'll deal with him. Don't worry." Sunoo scoffed. If anyone who could make sunghoon's ex pay for their actions, it would be sunoo.
"Probably." Said heeseung.
"So, what is he doing?"
"He's sleeping. He drank too much."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm coming back. Wait for-"
"No. No. Don't. Be there by his side and comfort him more when he wakes up. Sunghoon hyung will probably be depressed if he doesn't have anyone by his side. After all, he did liked that asshole alot." Sunoo huffed. These eight months were tiring for sunoo, sunghoon never stopped mentioning his boyfriend whenever they talked.
"Um- I don't know-"
"Just agree hyung. I'll cut the call. I won't let you in your own apartment if you come back right now. I'm warning you. Stay by your precious love. He's having a tough time. Bye." Sunoo without hearing heeseung's opinion cut the the call immediately after finishing his words.
Precious love, huh? He sighed and got into the bed to lie down beside the younger. Staring into the beautiful face again, he couldn't help but smile fondly. His hands slowly reached to remove the couple of hair strands in the younger's forehead.
Maybe. Maybe heeseung did had a tiny crush and liking towards the younger when they had first met. But what was he supposed to do? Confess? When sunghoon saw him as a friend? Obviously nothing more than just friends..
He had suppressed his feelings more than anyone could imagine. Soon after, sunghoon got a boyfriend. He was happy. He truly was. sunghoon finding someone that made him feel complete and make him happy was amazing but of course a small part of his heart that holded his instincts, his feelings and his liking for the younger always said, "you wished that was you?"
Lies. He would be lying if he didn't thought of sunghoon that way. He would also be lying if he said he was not pretending to happy when he found a boyfriend and someone that was not him. But, he believed or atleast wanted to, that he was over the small liking he had for the younger.
He had all the answers to the question he asked himself when he met the younger after a month of not seeing him, not calling him and not even texting him. It's just that his want and need to admit the answers as the right ones when the younger had someone else just felt wrong.
But look at him now. Lying side by side with the man of his dreams who just got his heartbroken.
finally, yes, finally, Realization hit him hard. He realised that he only had tried to believe that he was over the younger. He suppressed his feelings knowing his boundaries since sunghoon was taken. He was after all lovesick when he hadn't met him after being so used to wander around him as his 'friend.' he had always felt nervous, giddy and jolts of electricity when around sunghoon but his desire to be with him grew stronger through out the year that made him aware of the fact that he was into him more than he thought he would be.
"Shit. He's so pretty. I'm down bad for him. I love- wait love?" Heeseung widened his eyes in shock. No way right no way. he was not in love-
Sunghoon interrupted his thoughts as he moved closer towards the older but still not closing the distance between the two lying bodies. Too stuck up in his own thoughts, he bit his lip. He wanted to embrace the younger.
Fuck it.
He scooted closer towards the lying body of sunghoon and enfolded him into his arms. It took him a minute to notice that he was holding his breath while doing so. Finally releasing his breath, he froze. He felt the younger's hands crawling towards his back. They were hugging. He was so so thankful that sunghoon was asleep because no way the younger wouldn't have heeded his rapidly thumping heart if he was awake.
"I love you." He whispered with a fond smile to the sleeping younger before closing his eyes.
Atleast he wouldn't have to deny it now.