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- Hope is like the sun, if you only believe in it when you can see it, you’ll never make it through the night – Leia Organa, The Last Jedi
- It’s all okay, or it would be, were you not now halfway down – Secretariat, Bojack Horseman
“Are you okay?”
JJ set the cup of coffee down on the table and slid into the seat opposite. It had been a long and difficult case, this one. The ones with children always were. Even if was resolved quickly, the aftereffects always lingered much longer too. The sombre air in the jet on the way back from this one hadn’t gone unnoticed by anyone. The lateness of the hour didn’t help, but they were all exhausted in their own ways. Reid was already out for the count a few seats away, Morgan lost to the world with his headphones on probably listening to anything but his own thoughts. Hotch had disappeared toward the front of the plane, presumably for privacy for his phonecalls to check in with Haley and Jack, not that anyone could blame him for not being able to wait until they touched solid ground again for reassurance. JJ had contemplated sleep, but something had kept her from rest. Or rather someone. It hadn’t taken her long to figure out what was lingering on her mind – she wanted to know what was haunting Emily’s.
The brunette had been unusually quiet on the ride back to the jet, even for Emily’s typically stoic temperament. They had all put it down to the same exhaustion everyone else was also enduring, and she had insisted she was just tired, when JJ had gingerly caught her elbow on the slight steps and asked if she was alright. She had retreated to a seat toward the back of the jet, old well-read book in hand, offering the cover up vaguely whenever anyone asked if she needed anything as if it were a sign to leave her be. But tired as she might have been, JJ saw even then she didn’t fall asleep or catch some rest like the others, that she was still awake, leaning in one of the chairs wordlessly ignoring the open book in her hand.
JJ flipped her wrist to check the time on her watch. 3.30am. Still another 50 minutes at least before even reaching state airspace let alone wheels down. Would Emily linger in her thoughts for that long? Unable to sit in silence seeing that dazed look any longer, JJ had quietly poured another two cups of coffee – two heaped sugars for herself, black for Emily – and shifted across the aisle to engage.
She shifted the second cup a little closer to Emily’s free hand, though the brunette made no move to pick it up like she would normally would have done with that little grateful smile JJ loved so much. There was no sign of that smile right now. And her hand wasn’t as free as JJ first thought – something clenched in her fist that the blonde couldn’t see. Those brown eyes that were normally filled with such a radiant gleam, or pool of intelligence, looked hazy, dazed. The dark circles only shrouded the already deep colour of her irises. An unseeing blackness, JJ felt both penetrating and impenetrable. Despite being sat directly opposite, Emily wasn’t seeing her right now – much more likely seeing something else. A sliver of despair so palpable it made JJ shiver, slipped through the cracks Emily was trying to patch together. For a moment, the usual dark shade of her eyes seemed darker than before. The improbable vastness of space held in another’s eyes. But JJ knew if she just looked hard enough, even on the cloudiest, darkest night, somewhere inside she’d still find stars.
“So…What’s this one about?” she carefully tugged the book, pulling it a little closer to her, leaning over a little to catch the words on the page. Whether Emily had intentionally stopped there before her thoughts had taken over, or if it had merely been unintentional, JJ wasn’t sure. The page on the left was taken up mostly by an illustration, printed with words in the center; everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt. God how she wished that were true.
Coffee cup forgotten, JJ leaned further forward and took Emily’s hand in hers, tenderly turning it over to reveal her clenched palm. As she pried the fingers loose, JJ noticed the skin around her nails had been nipped and gnawed raw. Tangled and twisted around her pale fingers also was a familiar red rubber band. One of the same the kids had been wearing.
“Em...”
“I couldn’t save them.” Emily’s voice was soft in the stillness, a barely discernible crack.
“We can’t save everyone.” JJ spoke just as softly. Her thumb brushed over Emily’s palm in soothing circles, before gently untangling the band free, setting it on the table. “But we can save the next ones. And that means something.”
Emily finally turned to look at her, that gaze blinking recognition as well as resignation. “What does it mean?”
“You still saved lives today,” JJ insisted delicately, giving Emily’s hand a tender squeeze. “And you’ll do the same the next day. And the next. Because that’s who you are. Even if you don’t see it today. I see it in you every day.”
There was a pause, only a few beats but enough to make JJ wonder if perhaps she had been a little too on the nose or too forward in her words. She continued to circle her thumb over Emily’s palm all the same, reassured to feel the steady pulse underneath. She was watching Emily’s wrist – and the absence of her usual wristwatch, JJ noted – when Emily broke her own self-imposed silence.
“Which movie did you take that from?” JJ looked back up from pinkish lines that had been snapped sore by the rubber band to see Emily looking back, observing her also. Had she just cracked a joke?
“There she is,” JJ smiled gently. She had gotten through to her after all, at least enough to tug out a little conversation rather than letting her dwell in silence alone.
“Thanks, JJ,” Emily sighed, brushing her free hand back through her hair. “I just got a little…in my own head.” JJ only nodded; she knew what that felt like, they all did, in their own ways. “And you know, that little speech, the same goes for you too, right?”
“For all of us I think.”
“It’s more than a job sometimes, isn’t it.”
“Most of the time, I think you mean. But you’re right. In the best and worst ways.” Every so often a case would come along you couldn’t quite shake as easily as others and lingered long after wheels drew back up. Even the most hardy and stoic among them had such moments. Not all waited until the dead of night out of sight of the others to dwell on it though.
“And so it goes…” Emily breathed another quiet sigh, and closed the book in front of her. From the state of the book itself, and how well-read it must be, JJ knew she didn’t have to ask her about losing the page or her place in it.
“Hm?”
“Nothing,” Emily dismissed. But this time, at least, there was that flicker of a smile on Emily’s features again. Maybe not bright like the usual beaming grin she could offer, maybe a little more tired and worn than most at the edges, but a smile nonetheless and JJ couldn’t have asked for more. “You should get some sleep.”
“Do we have time?” JJ retorted, only half joking, knowing it couldn’t be too long before they would be dealing with touchdown again and have to trudge themselves home.
“45 minutes, or so. Enough for a catnap, Sergio would say.” Considering the absence of her watch, JJ was surprised Emily had said it with such knowing confidence but she had no other reason to argue or doubt it. As if on cue, a yawn she couldn’t quite stifle snuck up on her, refuting any chance for her to consider arguing.
“Unfortunately for us, the boys have hogged all the blankets,” she said instead, looking about her and gesturing with a tilt of her head to where Spencer leaned in his seat tucked under one. But as she turned back to Emily, she saw the brunette holding up the edge of a burgundy blanket that must have either been already on her lap or on the seat beside her that she deemed it timely to offer.
“Want to share?” she asked, with a raise of her brow and JJ couldn’t resist a small smirk in return.
“Thought you’d never ask.” The weight in her chest and across her shoulders relieved to see Emily return to her taunting self, even if just for now. They would probably talk again in the morning, or some other afternoon over a glass of wine where JJ would have to pry such feelings from her, but for now, she thought as she shifted from the seat across to the seat beside Emily and tucked herself into the brunette’s side under the blanket, that she would be just fine just being here like this. Just for now. Emily slipped her arm around her, tugging the blanket a little more around them both before settling, leaning to rest her head. Her breathing rose and fell so steadily, that JJ almost thought she had fallen asleep surprisingly quickly, until she heard the brunette mumble again into her hair quietly;
“So it goes…”
She would have to ask her about that in the morning, and what on earth it meant. But that could wait. For now though, with Emily’s arm wrapped around her and JJ tucked into her side, just for a little while, everything was beautiful and nothing hurt…