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“‘Cause if you do, the angels will kill you,” Dean finished for him, eyes fixed on Cas.
Cas shook his head, a motion so slight Dean wouldn’t have caught it if his eyes weren’t glued to him. “Because if I see what Heaven’s become- what I- what I made of it,” he hesitated, his eyes never leaving Dean’s but a hint of fear entering them, “I’m afraid I might kill myself.”
Dean gulped, not letting his eyes fall but trying not to show the wave of emotion, the hurt, the loss, the utter terror, that had swept through him. He opened his mouth to answer, not even sure what he was going to say, but a door swung open behind him.
“Hey, I got something,” Sam said, slamming the door closed. Dean turned around, barely even nodding to his brother before his eyes were back on Cas.
Cas looked at Dean, the fear more present now, eyes rimmed red, before nodding to Sam. “Good,” he said tightly. “Excellent. What?”
He stood up and walked to join Sam.
“Turns out-”
“Shut the fuck up, Sammy.”
Anger was starting to take over now, his blood boiling as he stared fixedly away from Sam and Cas, eyes burning into the wall.
“What?” Sam said, at the same time Cas started, “Dean-“
“You don’t get to-” Dean paused, drawing in a deep breath as he unclenched his fist. “You don’t get to just say shit like that and shut up, Cas.”
He finally turned to face them. Saw Sam glancing back and forth in confusion, Cas looking at the floor, unable to meet his eyes.
“What’s going on?” Sam asked. Dean clenched his jaw and stood, folding his arms as he faced Cas.
After a tense silence, Cas finally raised his gaze. His eyes were still red, but there were no tears there. “Like you’ve never felt the same, Dean.” His voice was quiet. Almost a whisper.
Dean’s eyes widened but he paused before speaking, voice low. “The hell does that have to do with anything?”
Cas shrugged and took a step back toward him. “Were you eager to,” he raised his hands in exasperated air quotes “‘talk it out’ with Sam or I?”
Dean uncrossed his arms and ignored the way Cas was squinting at him. “That’s different,” he said finally.
At that Cas actually laughed. A small, quiet huff of tired amusement. “No, Dean. It’s not.”
“Fine,” he shot back. “Maybe it’s not, but we’re talking about this.” Cas just shook his head, meeting Dean’s eyes defiantly.
“Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?” Sam was shifting from foot to foot, his eyes narrowed in concern.
“Sam can go,” Dean went on, ignoring him. “If you wanna do this alone. Or he can stay. I don’t give a fuck.”
Cas finally looked away, looking at Sam thoughtfully. Then his entire body seemed to sag in defeat and he sank down into the chair behind him. “He can stay.”
“Okay,” Dean said, walking toward them and sitting on the bed facing Cas. “Okay,” he seemed to have run out of words.
He didn’t know how long the silence lasted. How long he stood there, clenching and unclenching his jaw, staring daggers at Cas. But it took Sam clearing his throat to break it, the noise breaking a floodgate. As his brother went to say something, Dean exploded, coming to his feet.
“You don’t get to do that,” he shouted. “You don’t get to leave us. Because, yeah, Cas, you fucked up. And believe me, I get it, I do. But we still- I still need you. So you don’t get to decide when your time is up ‘cause you’re too damn important.” His chest was heaving as another tense silence filled the room, but he didn’t care. He just jabbed a finger at Cas. “Don’t fucking leave me.” His voice had dropped, coming out raspy and goddamn broken. He didn’t even care. His mind was still reeling, the words might kill myself playing over and over as he was filled with visions of Cas, lifeless on the ground.
“Important?” Cas finally said, a hint of bitterness in his voice. “What importance,” he spat the word and took a deep breath, “do I hold to you and your brother? What more can I do for you without the aid of Heaven?”
Dean frowned and leaned forward, but before he could say anything, Sam spoke up, his voice soft. “Do for us? Cas, you don’t need to do anything.”
Cas stared fixedly at Dean, his face set.
Dean gulped under his stare but held his eyes. “You’re family,” he said weakly, wishing that goddamn phrase even began to cover what he felt about Cas. “You’re-” like a brother, his mind finished the lie. “Just,” he tried again. “Just promise you’ll stay, this time. Promise you won’t do anything stupid.”
Cas’ eyes softened and he stood to face Dean. They breathed deeply together before Cas nodded, once.
“Okay, Dean.”
All three of them visibly relaxed, and Sam reached into his case to grab whatever he was going to show them. And Dean could have left it there. Hell, he probably should have left it there. But he didn’t.
He took one step closer to Cas, so close they were almost touching, and steadied himself. “I won’t” his voice broke and he cursed silently to himself before dropping a hand onto Cas’ shoulder and trying again. “I can’t lose you again.”
They stayed there for a minute, Dean’s hand heavy on Cas’ shoulder. The rest of the tension slowly seeped from them and finally Cas gave a small smile.
“Okay, Dean,” he repeated. But this time, this time it sounded like he meant it. Like Dean wouldn’t have to hold him, desperately crying his name as the angel lay motionless. Like Dean would still have a reason to get up. Because Cas was staying. With them. Alive.
“Alright,” Dean said quietly. “Alright. Now let’s get back to work.”