Chapter Text
They were home, Ezra reminded himself for the dozenth time that hour.
Kanan was home.
After two days and nights in the med bay of Ahsoka’s ship they’d brought him back to the Ghost that afternoon. He was tucked in his bunk now, presumably asleep, his ordeal - at least momentarily - forgotten.
Sabine was in her room, happily burning the midnight oil if the sound of her paint guns going full blast were any indication.
Hera and Chopper had been in the cockpit when Ezra had said goodnight, finding their peace in setting a course for nowhere in particular. A lazy, drifting path rather than the tense, purposeful flying they’d been doing recently.
Even Zeb was relaxed, spread out on his bunk snoring up a racket that wouldn’t have let Ezra fall asleep even if he had been willing to try.
Everyone was safe. Everything was okay.
Home. Settled. Normal.
Why couldn’t he just believe that?
Actually he could. And maybe that was the problem. For most of Ezra’s life “normal” hadn’t exactly meant anything good.
Normal meant nightmares. Normal meant hunger filled nights in cold alleyways, with no credits and too many memories.
The Ghost could be cold too, he’d soon discovered. And they were often low on credits. Which meant even though the crew - Hera especially - tried to make sure he had enough to eat there were still nights where he had trouble sleeping due to the grumbling in his stomach. Something that was almost harder to deal with now that hunting for scraps of food wasn’t a daily occurrence.
While his nightmares had never disappeared, for the past year they’d ended, or at least faded, when he’d opened his eyes each morning. The last couple of weeks though they’d haunted him every moment, sleeping or waking, to the point where he’d found it difficult to distinguish between the two at times. Images of pain, of loss, of the inquisitor spewing venomous threats and dark temptations at both him and his helpless master.
Even now he could hear the words whispering in his ears and the comforting presence in the back of his mind that had always stopped them before was nowhere to be found.
Fighting a spike of fear he pushed himself up and climbed down the ladder of his bunk as quietly as he could. Within seconds he was outside Kanan’s cabin struggling to control his breathing as he knocked softly. He hated himself for the panic rapidly spreading through his body but every second he waited only drove his determination. He had to see his master, even if only to know the man was still breathing.
The door wasn’t locked but considering all the rights Kanan had been deprived of the past week, Ezra hesitated to enter without permission. Just when the silence in his head was becoming unbearable a quiet voice called from within the cabin.
“Come in Ezra.”
Cheeks already on fire, the padawan palmed the door open and slipped into the room. Kanan was lying on his bunk, upper body turned toward the door, head resting on a folded arm, his brow pulled tight with concern.
“What’s wrong kiddo?”
“I...I couldn’t sleep.” Ezra stumbled over his words realizing how stupid they sounded out loud. “I’m sorry. I just...I wanted to see if you were okay. I mean I knew you were okay, or at least you were when you said goodnight but I couldn’t...I tried connecting with you but it didn’t work and I just-”
“Ezra.”
The boy clamped his mouth shut. A few seconds passed as Kanan blinked slowly at him before patting the side of his bed. Ezra followed the unspoken order and settled at his side. He didn’t even notice the tears on his face until a hand reached up and gently wiped them off.
“Shh, you’re okay.”
“Not me I’m worried about.”
“I’m sorry,” the Jedi murmured softly. “I should have warned you our bond would be weak for awhile. The inquisitor, he tried to force his way into my mind multiple times. I had to put all my strength into keeping him out. That, plus the drugs the medics insisted on pumping into me to ease the pain, it’s left my Force connection a little shaky.” He took Ezra’s hand. “I’m not trying to keep you out I promise.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“No. I couldn’t be. You’ve been so brave. Hera hasn’t told me everything but,” Kanan shook his head, a small smile on his lips. “Ezra, I know how much darkness was surrounding me on Tarkin’s ship. You had to fight your way past it all and you succeeded. When I felt you touch my mind... it was the push I needed. You helped me not give up. I’m so proud of you.”
Ezra clamped his teeth down hard on his lower lip. He was not going to cry! Staring determinedly at the Holocron across the room until he felt the emotional pressure ease off, he turned back to see his master fighting hard to keep his eyes open.
“I...I should…” His throat closed at the thought of leaving and the words wouldn’t come. Kanan merely smiled again and sleepily lifted the end of his blanket in invitation.
A coldness crept through Ezra’s veins and he had to stifle an old urge to recoil from the gesture. The few people who’d bothered to offer any help in his eight years on the streets had told him in no uncertain terms that any such offer should be met by him immediately fleeing in the opposite direction. He’d never had cause to test their warning but the fear had lingered anyway.
This wasn’t that kind of offer though, he knew that. There was nothing perverted or threatening about it, in fact he half doubted his master was fully aware of just what he was offering. Maybe that was for the best. Especially as Ezra found himself accepting, toeing off his boots and climbing in next to him. Kanan shifted away momentarily, giving him space to curl up and settle down, before he tucked the blanket close around the two of them.
“Better?” Kanan asked quietly. Ezra nodded and the Jedi’s eyes slipped shut again, sleep overtaking him.
It was true. The memories weren’t any less vivid laying here than they had been in his own room. The ship was still cold. He was still an untrained orphan with barely a credit to his name.
But being in here with Kanan helped far more than he’d imagined it would. It wasn’t just the physical comfort. Sure, the sound of his master’s deep steady breaths and the warmth of another body lying within arms reach were a great reassurance. But knowing he had someone he could go to when he was afraid, even if that fear was just a creation of his own mind? That was something he never imagined he’d have again.
Would it last? He wondered.
Kanan’s words about sacrifice and loss still rung in his ears. While he understood what the older man meant, terror still shook him at the memory of almost losing him. At the idea of losing any of his new family. It was a risk they all undertook willingly, and Force knew they all irritated the life out of him in different ways, but the thought was still unbearable. If he had to live without them-
Just then Kanan shuffled in his sleep, letting out a loud snort before he rolled over onto his stomach, snoring into his pillow. Ezra quickly slapped a hand over his mouth, desperately trying to bury his snickers. It was a ridiculous thing to laugh over but he couldn’t help it. He battled the giggles for several moments unsuccessfully and felt a tiny spark of worry when one blue-green eye cracked open.
“You okay Kid?”
Ezra sniffed, wiping away the last of his mirth filled tears. He turned to face his master and burrowed a little deeper into the blanket nest he’d made. “Yeah. Yeah I’m good.”
Kanan gently tweaked his nose. “Then shush. You need your rest.”
A yawn filled “okay” was all he could manage before a deep sleep finally claimed him.