Work Text:
Community: Multiverse of Matrimony - Prologue
The scene opens on Study Room F, where the Greendale Community is gathered. Things are starting to wind down after a lively evening, and people are getting ready to go home.
Abed: (Speaking up as to be heard by the room) “Thank you Annie- and Jeff-” Abed says, half-heartedly “for hosting this party.”
Jeff takes a step forward and takes in a breath.
Abed: “I’ve got this, Jeff.” Abed says while raising a finger, stopping Jeff. “And thank you for graciously taking my plea…”
Annie turns her head and lets a small smile.
Abed: “and breaking tradition. You guys know- bachelor and bachelorette parties. I said that we couldn’t break this group up. Because each moment we have together is a gift. And I think that everyone will agree with me after the memories we created tonight. Togetherness is the gift that keeps on giving.”
Annie: (Excited by being reminded of one last thing due tonight) “Gift! That’s right!”
Abed points a finger-gun at Annie and mouths “pew”.
Jeff leans close to Abed.
Jeff: “Quoting 2008’s Our Good Company with Sean Connery, Johnny Depp, and Whoopi Goldberg, are we?”
Abed: (A bit panicked) “Um… yeah…”
Abed breaks away and whips out his phone. He thinks to himself: How could I have never heard of this movie? Will our show get sued for accidentally quoting it?
Jeff grins in pleasure of his work.
Leonard: (Sitting next to the pre-wedding cake, previously unnoticed) “Proud of yourself, Winger?”
Jeff: “Shut up Leonard, it’s past your bedtime!”
Leonard: “No it’s not! It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!”
Duncan: (From across the room at the drinks table) “Now that I can drink to! Cheers!”
Jeff shakes his head, dismissing Duncan, before looking back at Leonard.
Jeff: “Thank you for coming, Leonard. I mean it.”
Leonard: “Oh, I know. They don’t get us like we do.”
Jeff: “You remember where and when the wedding is, right?”
Leonard: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Is-”
Annie: “Okay, everyone! Well, not everyone, but you know what I mean- We all have letters and a gift to open from Pierce!”
The remainder of the Greendale Seven let out a collective groan.
Jeff: “What?! No! Why would we do that to ourselves- all of us- in the middle of something so important?”
Annie: “Jeff! Pierce asked me to give these all to us the night before Jeff and I get married!”
Shirley: “Why would you want to indulge that crazy old man?! You know nothing good can come from this!”
Britta: “Wait- how did Pierce know you two were getting married? He’s dead!”
Annie: “He said he always had a feeling about us.”
Troy: “He used to think that Jeff was gay. He read Jeff’s diary.”
Annie: “Okay, he may have read Jeff’s diary. I was just trying to keep his diary a secret so he wouldn’t get embarrassed.”
Jeff: “What?! How?!”
Shirley: “You don’t go through a man’s diary. Mostly because it’s nasty. I made the mistake of reading Jordan’s diary once. Some things aren’t meant for a mother to know!”
Britta: “Shirley! That’s-”
Troy: “Wrong, she knows. Abed and I told him about the safe we saw you put it in because we didn’t know what it was, and why you had a safe for it. Pierce bought a lock picking kit and opened it the next time he was over. I guess he realized it was wrong because he told us he regretted doing it, and that what was inside wasn’t for us to know.”
Shirley: “I guess I am worse than Pierce!”
Shirley begins to weep and Troy hugs her.
Britta: “We didn’t even open anything yet and look what he has already done!”
Annie: “Shirley, you’re not worse than Pierce. He showed me the next day we had school that he had taken pictures of every page. He said that he was giving them to me because he was wrong about Jeff, and because I would find it very enlightening.”
Britta: “And you read it?”
Annie: “I’m human! Of course I read it! When I told him I had read it, he told me that he didn’t understand love, but it seemed like a chance that I couldn’t waste. That, and Jeff taught him that ‘there were more than just gays and not-gays, but bisexuals like Jeff and plenty of other sexual orientations, but none which describe the dean.’”
Jeff scoffs at the claims.
Shirley: “That’s… nice?”
Britta: “Actually, that is.”
Troy: “Pierce started trying extra hard to be a more accepting person after I said I was moving out. I guess he felt bad. Like he was the reason I left. I… may have read his diary.”
Annie and Shirley both “aww.”
Britta: “TROY!”
Abed steps back into the conversation space.
Abed: “Britta, stop pretending to be outraged by everything. The audience is getting tired of it.”
Britta: “AB… (Britta registers what Abed had said) ed…”
Shirley: “Maybe we could open it. We just have to not let Pierce get the best of us. We know who we are. We can be in control.”
Abed: “In Jurassic World, Simon Masrani said “The key to a happy life is to accept you are never actually in control.”
Chang: “So are we doing this, or what?”
Pelton: “Golly, Ben! Have you been here this whole time?”
Abed: “We all know this won’t have much of an effect on me, so I guess I’m in, as long as it doesn’t ruin the wedding. There’s only so much I can do in post, and I’m not even willing to do 15% of that, so you calculate the risk of ruining your perfect wedding.”
Troy: “I’ll do it!”
Britta: “This is a terrible idea! You guys are making a big mistake! Pierce won’t know if we wait until a week later!”
Troy: “Unless he’s here as a ghost!”
Chang: “Don’t worry, I closed the doors.”
Troy: “I mean, what’s gonna happen? Is Pierce going to make me have another life-changing experience in order to get more money? It’s not like he’d make me leave before the wedding, he loved us.”
Everyone turns to Jeff and Annie.
Pelton: “It’s your big weekend.”
Annie: “You know what? Let’s do it. Troy is right. Pierce loved us and would want to celebrate with us, not ruin the weekend.”
Jeff: “You can’t be serious!”
Annie grabs Jeff’s hand and turns the doe eyes to 10.
Jeff: “Fine. But you still have to let me marry you, even if Pierce lies and says I can do better.”
Abed: “That’s a record” he says, holding a stopwatch. “Britta, you’re outvoted.”
Britta: “Pshh, whatever. I’ll be here to say I told you so.”
Frankie: “Well, it looks like this is going to happen anyway, so I would just like to go on the record and say that I agree with Britta.”
Elroy: “Frankie, I don’t think this involves us.”
Annie begins handing out letters.
Annie: “Jeeeff… Meee… Shiiirley… Troooy… Aaabed… Brittaaa… Deeean… and Chang!”
Jeff’s Letter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Jeffrey,
Congrats, my boy! You’re marrying a girl. I guess this means you aren’t gay. It just means you are bisexual. ————
——— Annie’s a very special girl. She’s my favorite. And if you break her heart, I’ll break you. Lastly, I was never good at saying this: I know we didn’t always see eye-to-eye, but I love you. Enjoy your very special day, and always treasure her.
Love,
Pierce
Annie’s Letter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Annie,
If you are reading this, then it means that I could not be there with you. I just want you to know that I am so proud of you. ————
——— I gave Jeff the customary warning, not that it means much other than what the subtext implies. I want to reiterate that I am very proud of the woman you have become. I wish I could see all that you have and will achieve. I love you, my dear. You are my favorite daughter. Life only gives us a few truly special moments, but they increased tenfold when I met you. Have a wonderful life.
Love,
Pierce
Shirley’s Letter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Shirley,
I know this letter will find you well. You are surrounded by loved ones and celebrating their achievements. I know that few things give you as much joy as times like these. Not only that, but I am sure you are so successful by now that you have many restaurants! ————
——— Lastly, I want you to know that you were under-appreciated and I love you. You are an amazing woman whom I am grateful to have had the privilege of learning from, and you’re one hell of a cook!
Love,
Pierce
Chang’s Letter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Chang,
Hope you’re enjoying prison. If they let you out, then I am glad I am no longer alive. Regardless, I hope you get your life together eventually. We all deserve a second chang.
Apathetically,
Pierce
Pelton’s Letter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dean,
I think back to times at Greendale with great fondness. Some of my favorite memories with you are creating the Human Being with you and our various other projects. I am sorry that Jeffrey is now taken, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. Or maybe Dalmatians are a more apt metaphor? There are at least 101 of them. I don’t think this is going anywhere. ————
——— So that’s my analysis of the Dalmatian thing. I read many books and articles before coming to that. I listed them on the back. I never told you this, but I felt that we never had to: You are a good dean. The best dean.
Love,
Pierce
Troy’s Letter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Troy,
Hello again, my son. I always thought of you like a son. Not like my dad did. I was always excited to see what was next for you. I’m glad I could be part of it for a bit, there. ————
——— I gave you all of my wealth, so I am sorry there is nothing more to give, but I’m sure you have turned it into more wealth because you are a clever young man. Lastly, I want you to know this, because I was never good at saying this: I love you. You know what? I just remembered I buried some money in the back yard. You and Abed can play Holes.
Love,
Pierce
Abed’s Letter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abed,
I think you and Troy will be doing a Holes homage soon. I’m sorry if it’s not your thing. I hope you are making good movies or tv, or whatever you want. ————
——— And that’s why I think you should do a modern remake of Taxi. Lastly, although I had only began to get you, I still love you. I hope your life never stops being fun. If you ever find your work unfulfilling, try children's entertainment. Take it from an old man, there aren’t many things better than sharing culture with future generations.
Love,
Pierce
Britta’s Letter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Britta,
You are not the worst. I know we gave you a hard time, but it was because we thought you were tough. And you are. I was always impressed with how sure you felt of yourself, and how you kept going, despite what Jeffrey or anyone else said. ————
——— Lastly, remember that I love you. You’ve got a lot of grit. I know that you will be a great psychologist if you apply some of that intensity and focus to your studies! Don’t hold yourself back. Don’t be afraid to succeed. If you are, treat it like a roller coaster you are afraid of. Strap yourself in the seat and let it do the job of keeping you on track. You’ll make it through and see there was nothing to be afraid of.
Love,
Pierce
Those who read a letter are teary-eyed. They look at each other and go to the gift. When they tear the paper, an elaborate wooden box sits before them, with two brass pressure levers sticking out from each side.
Each lever seemed to have a name engraved, corresponding to their seats at the table. Chang has a spot next to Jeff and Pelton has his old spot. They all go to their respective places and place their hands on the levers.
Shirley: “Ready?”
Chang: “After three?”
Together: “One, two, three!”
They all press their levers and something releases. The top opens up and a large die shoots out and lands on the table. The group stares at it, and the room is silent.
Chang: “Did we break it?”
Pelton picks up the cube and inspects it.
Pelton: “I don’t believe so. 216.”
Annie notices a small label inside one of the flaps that opened and leans forward to read it.
Annie: “Electronic Die. dE 8-bit. Configurable via smartphone for up to 256… outcomes.”
The concern in Annie’s voice is very apparent.
Chang: “There’s a card here. Do you think we should have opened it first?”
Britta: “Duh-doy!”
Chang removes the card that was taped to the box and lifts it toward Annie, who grabs it before moving him to find comfort in Jeff’s side.
She opens the card and she begins reading it to the group.
Annie: “Have fun playing without me. Pierce.”
To be continued…