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Lay with me, just for a moment or two, she calls, and my heart pleads so that the only choice is yes in this world of her eyes - brown, the color of earth our Mother I know. She would dig deep into the ground and plant seeds which would birth roots, paving way for life and abundance just as she and she alone is the reason why my love grows as widely and deeply as it does. With Sarah, I feel alive. With Sarah, there is courage, and so I set down the proverbs I am reading to wrap my arms around her. She smiles, and I think there is no sight more beautiful in Union. Not the fertile lands nor the golden skies, nor the streaks of fuchsia blooming by bushes and trees - just her.
“Are we sinners, Sarah?” I ask. She shifts from her position, propping her head on one hand yet still facing me. Our eyes meet and question one another. “You know what they say of this… wickedness. Holy and beloved by the Lord is the maiden who walks beside her fellow women, not the one who lays in their arms.”
“If any of those old wives’ tales are even a bit true, then I suppose you are my favorite crime.” One, two, and three - it takes three seconds for her to chuckle and smile at me, and as her hand lightly grazes my skin to tuck a loose hair behind my ear I finally begin to feel what the Heaven my father the pastor speaks so highly of is like. Safety and security, the shadow of judgement sent away -
...But I digress, do I not? This is Heaven no longer. Perhaps it was once, when Eden was vibrant land and Adam loved Eve - but we’ve grown past that stage parents read to their children before kissing them goodnight. This is a land where I know I cannot interlace her fingers with mine by the lake nor have her hands around my waist outside, which is why we do this behind closed doors. She must see my face fall as her own one slowly becomes clouded with worry.
“You shan’t say those words, Sarah… even as joking banter. You have little to no idea of what the people in this town are capable of.” My voice comes out quieter and smaller than I expect it to be, maybe in fear of being caught. Or maybe I simply wish for these words to be heard by her and her alone; everyone in this town is important to me, but Sarah the most. Always.
“Then I shall engrave it in stone,” She whispers, standing up as she reaches for her knife that had helped many babes into their farm. Until today I knew not that this was possible, but it seemed as if my heart drops and flutters simultaneously as the realization of what she is to do dawns on me. I blurt out a frantic no, there’s no need for this at all, but she merely offers me her hand - I take it, knowing nothing is to stop her now; the earth in her eyes melts into honey in this sunlight, I notice, and it makes the mischievous gleam in them just a tad livelier.
We run through the woods hand-in-hand and for a moment, everything is perfect as our laughter echoes all around. The birds seem to somehow synchronize with us as they sing their songs and dance through the sky, indigo and scarlet hues alike blending together almost like a piece of artwork formed over the years. Here, the sun shines hot on us and kisses our cheeks fondly - for once I do not feel a crushing, oppressive weight on my chest, nor my family’s eyes behind me. I feel free, almost as if this moment would ebb and flow like the morning dew does a leaf.
“Are you alright?” Sarah’s voice cuts through my racing thoughts, her cheeks rosy and glowing as her chest heaves up and down, eyebrows raised in concern. I look down and our fingers are still combined; the smile comes out of me before I can stop myself, and I bring hers to where my heart is beating. Her eyes widen and I would give anything to be able to live in this moment forever, where I could memorize every detail of Sarah Fier caught in surprise despite constantly being the one on the other side of the line. It wouldn’t be tiring nor rotten work - not to me. Not if it’s her.
“Alive. As my heart beats in unison with yours, as we share time like this. That’s how I feel, not just in the present but every second I am with you.”
A grin spreads across her face, reaching all the way to her ears even, and I thank the Lord for gifting me sight, and the lady in front of me.
“Sarah Fier… will you marry me?”
Silence hangs in the air. She shuts her eyes and my stomach drops.
...Was Mother right? Was I truly to spend the rest of my days as a nun like her, knowing no love nor touch?
“We can’t, Hannah.”
Suddenly the heat seems a little too warm for my liking, the birds around us a little too noisy. Was I imagining unsightly things or were the flowers spinning? I blink and cast my gaze downwards, steadying my breath as I let go of her hand.
“...At least, not now, I don’t think so.”
…
Praise be the Lord. She wasn’t outright rejecting me and throwing dirt at me, was she?
“Come on.” She gently links arms with me and brings me to a beautiful willow tree, and as my feet strike the ground it feels like a veil God Himself created for us specially. In here, we are alone yet together.
Sarah Miller. These are the words she carves unto the wood, and I have to take a breath to ground myself because no one’s ever wanted to take the name of the pastor’s daughter before. Not like this, at least.
“I may be unable to marry you in this place and time we are in, hindered by ignorance and hatred… but in every other life after this one, you will be my wife as I will be yours. So it is set in stone.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“Even if my hair has greyed?”
“Until the sea is but sand. Until all the flowers have wilted, and even after that. Even after everything has turned to dust… I shall be by your side, loving you.”