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"I'm Supergirl. I've always been Supergirl."
Those words swirled around in her head as her town car drove past the streets in a blur. She wasn’t expecting this, she wasn’t expecting Kara to confess, she wanted to expose her, show the world what a liar she was, how truly deceiving the Pulitzer winner Kara Danvers was, she was winning an award for being truthful, bloody hell!
And Lena wanted to believe that it was all because she lied, because her best friend lied to her.
She tried to convince herself that the hurt she felt in her chest, that vicious grip around her heart, that strangled her and made it so hard for her to breath was all because her best friend, the one that has torn her walls down, burned down her bridges and unhinged her doors, had lied to her.
That those tears she’s been crying ever since Lex showed her those images, fucking Lex that never let her have a moment of peace that never let her be just be, she wanted to believe that those tears where simply because she’s lost the only friend she has held fondly in her heart without any restraints.
She’s shown Kara her secrets, her pain, she opened up herself to Kara and let her walk around inside her, never holding her out the way she did others, she let her comfort her, let her see and make her vulnerable.
Luthor’s don’t show vulnerability to anyone. She could hear Lilian’s snarling voice in her head making her mind whirl in disdain.
She should’ve seen this coming.
She should’ve predicted something would come and spoil her tiny bit of joy, her small piece of quiet. Because nothing ever works out for her.
And she can’t even blame her.
She can’t blame her for not trusting a Luthor with her secret, she couldn’t expect anything else from a Super, not with their family history. She knew, she has always known that Supergirl would hold her at arm’s length because of her last name.
But she never thought Kara, goofy, sweet, caring, warm as the sunshine pouring down her soul, Kara Danvers would’ve done the same.
Kara made her believe that she trusted her, that she was her friend probably to spy on her, keep an eye on the Luthor that lived amongst them and be prepared for whatever evil thing she would do.
Kara let her believe that for once she could just be Lena, no strings attached to the family she grew to hate, the family that damaged her, broke her, tore her apart and left her alone to pick up the pieces as if she was nothing.
She should’ve known that nothing good would come from letting someone in, from allowing someone to know her, really know her.
But she made the mistake and now?
Now she was paying the price for being stupid.
Sitting up in her couch, glass of scotch in hand, shards of glass at her feet from the broken photo frame that held their picture.
Again she tried to convince herself that that anger, that rising feeling in her stomach, that crippling rage, that desperate fury climbing up the walls in her mind was simply because she was toyed with.
Because Kara kept her around only to keep an eye at her and Lena Luthor isn’t a woman to be played with.
But her resolve crushed the moment she felt the sole of Kara’s boots hit the floor of her balcony and her heart skipped a beat.
And she cursed at herself, because it all made sense now, and she was stupid to have being fooled by a pair of glasses and a ponytail. But she wasn’t, was she?
She always wondered why Supergirl appeared and Kara vanished with no trace, and after Supergirl left Kara was there having known things that no one should know but Supergirl and Lena herself. How Kara always knew how to get Supergirl to show up, how she was always so certain to anything Supergirl related.
And maybe, just maybe Lena knew, she’s a genius for crying out loud! Of course she knew, but admitting to herself wasn’t as easy as pushing it to the back of her mind and never thinking of it again.
Because she couldn’t even admit to herself that this pain, this hurt, this anger, rage and fury, wasn’t just because her best friend didn’t take off the glasses the first time they met.
Because she would have to open up boxes she sworn to herself its contents would never be revealed to the world.
Because this was another pain she wasn’t willing to feel and now she was feeling it, doubled and worse, so much worse than she thought it could be. Her heart bled and her body ached, her scream at her to do something to release herself from this turmoil she was put into, she put herself into.
What can she really do?
Thoughts of revenge and Luthor fury crossed her mind ever since that day, but she couldn’t bring herself to act on it, guess she really is as weak and pathetic as Lilian always sold her to be, undeserving of the name she carry’s, all she could do was sit and drink her pain away.
- Lena… – Kara said as she took a tentative step inside.
Lena cussed herself for the way her heart speeded with the sound of her voice, just like it always did when Kara said her name.
- Leave, I don’t want to see you… – her voice cracked at the end.
- Please, Lena, let me explain…
Lena didn’t even acknowledge her arm moving, her hand opening or the glass slipping through her fingers, but she heard it loud and clear, the sound of it shattering against the wall and its pieces falling to the ground and she flinched at her own outburst and the way Kara took a small step back.
Lena beat herself up for still caring, for feeling sad at seeing Kara be this careful around her. She hated how she wanted, to needing level, Kara to waltz through and hold her in her arms and say that everything will work out.
- Let you explain? – she chuckled bitterly – What is there to explain Supergirl?
Another pang struck her heart as Kara flinched with the derisive way she said the name and she beat herself up yet again.
- Do not worry yourself up, I get it. – Kara’s eyes shot up hopefully and Lena was quick to crush her hope – You could not trust a Luthor to know your secret, but that didn’t mean you could not befriend one and keep her around, you know, keep your enemies close and that sort of things, right?
The frown and the hurtful look that greeted her as she looked at Kara for confirmation made her body freeze, how she wishes things could’ve been different.
- Lena, it wasn’t like that. – she started strutting close to Lena and stopping when the smaller woman held a hand to her chest, she was too close and Lena couldn’t have her this close.
- It was never like that Lena, I kept my identity from you because I wanted to protect you. – she said with tears streaming down her face – I know… I know that... I hurt you by waiting so long to tell my truth.
- So you lied to me to protect me? You kept me in the dark because I’m some fragile thing that can’t handle knowing that Supergirl hides behind a pair of glasses and a ponytail? You could’ve told me! – she hauled in despair – You could’ve told me before I found out after shooting my brother to protect you, for you!
The shock that overtook Kara’s features send a wave of relief through Lena, she could see the engines inside Kara’s head turning as realisation hit her, realisation that Lena knew before she told her, realisation of what happened to Lex, of how much Lena put herself through for her as well.
And she wanted to justify, to explain, to mend what has been broken, she wanted to take Lena in her arms and hold her until her pain sufficed.
- I was going to tell you, I wanted to tell you so long ago, but you started disliking Supergirl but you still love Kara and I know that I’m selfish, but I didn’t want to lose you Lena, I didn’t want to lose your love, it would kill me if you looked at me, just Kara, the way you did Supergirl. I love you, Lena, so much and I worried that if I told you I would lose you forever.
The weight of those words fell down on Lena like a ton of bricks, because even though Kara lied to her, even though Kara was just like everyone else, even though Kara hurt her and hers is the one that pains Lena the most.
Even though she feels angry and hurt.
Even though she wants to hurt her the same way she did.
Even though she feels small and unprotected.
Kara said those words.
Kara said the words she buried deep in her heart, hide in her mind.
Because she loves Kara just as much or maybe more.
That’s why she’s so hurt.
So angry.
So torn with pain and rage.
And that’s why she can’t forgive her.
- If you loved me as much as you claim, you would’ve told me. – she steeled herself and iced her voice – Because I love you, Kara.
Kara widened her eyes as a small flare of hope flickered across her face, she took a tentative step towards Lena only to have the smaller woman step back, hurt glazed her features and Lena felt a pang in her chest but she ignored it.
- I fell in love with you and I thought that you fell for me too, you always came to me for those silly lunch dates, and the way looked at me, how foolish of me to have believed in it, it was all an act. – tears started to pour down her face and angrily she wiped them – You lied and kept me around so you could have the Luthor in town under your control.
- Lena no… I feel the same way too, I love you, I’m in love with you... – Kara tried to intervene and say her truth.
- Stop!
Lena felt the tingling of pain in her hand as she slapped the cold surface of the table in frustration. Anger seeped through her, refusing to believe the words Kara spoke to her.
More lies. Her brain advised her and Lena squeezed her eyes shut feeling the familiar ache build behind her eyelids.
Just more lies, a Super could never love a Luthor, Kara doesn’t love Lena, that would be illusory to believe in such, she would be deceiving herself if she did.
Kara kept her around because she wanted to make sure Lena didn’t turn evil like the rest of her family and that is the truth. Even if her heart scream to her that Kara really loved her, her mind wasn’t going to be fooled again.
- I love you. – she said brokenly – But I don’t want to.
- Lena please…
Kara closed the distance between them and in an attempt to make Lena see that her feelings weren’t deceiving, weren’t just pretend, she kissed her.
Lena couldn’t find it in her to stop her, she’s been wanting this for so long, even if it was wrong it felt so right, she knows she should stop this, it can’t happen, but she can’t stop herself from letting it happen.
The kiss was sloppy, messy and needy, they clung to each other desperately not wanting to let go, tears running down both faces. Kara was the first to pull away, she could go on for longer but Lena needed to breath.
Their foreheads came together as both cried into each other, everything could’ve been different if they just did it right the first time, if they had just told each other their secrets honestly, if they were given a chance. Lena tried to push away and Kara held her tighter refusing to oblige, she pushed again and Kara relented, letting her go.
- I love you. And I don’t want to love you. – she said with finality – Please leave.
- Lena…
- Please, Kara, leave...
Her voice broke as she said it but she stood her ground and turned her back to Kara as to not witness the broken expression on her face anymore. After several minutes of silence, she felt the familiar rush of hair that accompanied Kara’s departure and she allowed herself to fully break.
She fell in a sobbing mess on her couch and tried in vain to will her pain away. Her heart hurt too much and she didn’t know her way out of this pain.
Fin.