Chapter Text
Song: Sun Models (feat. Madelyn Grant) by Odesza
The feeling of life clinging idly to the air was something Tyler always liked to capture after shows. He would stand on the stage, packing all his technology away and hauling instruments back to the van, and he would try to take it in. He’d breathe in every forgotten word and every shout from the crowd. He’d pinpoint where he’d remember certain faces that stood out. He’d attempt to feel the heat off of the bodies long since gone from the venue. But most importantly, he’d try to steal that feeling away for himself and keep it for the days which he needed it the most.
He found that he hadn’t needed it much. Recently, he had been doing alright. Alright. That was a word that he was finding himself getting used too. It almost felt too comfortable, saying that he was fine and just that. He could always be doing better. He didn’t know that having to settle with your mental state wasn’t on the to-do list of the average person. But throughout the highs and lows, Tyler had been riding the highs recently. It had been less than a month since Regional at Best had been released, and he was traveling around, playing as many shows as he could get his hands on. And he was playing with Josh. That was a relief.
He really couldn’t think of a single person in the entire world he would rather do this with. Josh was just as ambitious as him, and certainly just as crazy. But being crazy wasn’t a bad thing. He was crazy in the sense that his pursuits would seem unrealistic to most. But to him, they just seemed about as commonplace as the cereal he ate for breakfast. And that’s what Tyler loved about him. Well, only one of the things he loved. He loved so many things about Josh that he gave up trying to keep count ages ago.
With the colored lights of The Mad Hatter dimming, Tyler took one last look around. He and Josh had brought everything to the van, and now, Josh was picking up the pieces of his gorilla suit costume. He always felt bad that he wore a lightweight skeleton hoodie while Josh got the sweaty gorilla suit. He would have to change that.
“Got everything?” Tyler asked as Josh bent down to retrieve the body of the suit. He picked it up and came back above water, meeting Tyler’s eyes with a grin.
“Yep! You?” Josh asked with a sweet sense of care. His eyes always sparkled with so much affection that Tyler sometimes forgot to breathe. He was doing that now, and Josh noticed, but decided to say nothing.
With a rushed inhale, Tyler came back from spacing out. “Oh. Yeah, I do.” Tyler paused and took one last look around the bar before turning back to Josh. “Man. I just love the feeling that lingers after a show.”
“It’s like you can still feel the energy everyone left behind,” Josh said, with his voice smooth and his hand toying with a thread on his suit.
“Exactly. See, you get me.”
Tyler returned Josh’s smile, trying not to focus on the weight of his own words too hard. But it was too late. Saying that Josh was the only one who truly understood the intricate details of his mind was too big of a statement not to hone in on. It was true. Out of everyone Tyler had ever met, Josh had understood him in ways that he didn’t even understand himself. He couldn’t be more thankful, but every time he really thought about it, he felt so confused. He didn’t know exactly how to describe their relationship, so he decided on best friends and kept it at that.
With their eyes still locked onto each other, their gazes gradually shifting into something more serious, they both heard footsteps come through a side door. There was Mark, with his slightly messy hair, blue shirt, and jeans. He had his camera hanging by a strap from his neck with his “friendly, but business as usual” demeanor. Josh had coined that phrase, and Tyler had never let Mark live it down. Every now and then he would bring it up, and Mark would then go on to say that “he had the power to expose every embarrassing detail about them” since he was the man behind the camera. So Tyler didn’t take his chances with saying it as often anymore, but the thought still made him laugh.
“All set?” Mark asked, leaning low in the doorway.
“Yep. We’re right behind you!” Josh said as he moved closer to Tyler’s side to walk out with him.
On impulse, Tyler said the first thing that came to his head. “That’s what she said.”
Josh turned his head to look at Tyler and started to snicker. Tyler joined in, both of them giggling like idiots. Mark rolled his eyes while holding in his own smile, and he walked to the car.
The boys followed after, watching the decor of the club fade away as the nightlife of the city captured their senses. Street lamps and traffic lights lit the occasional car that passed by on a nearby street while a few sparse stars decorated the sky. Not nearly as many as Tyler would’ve liked. He loved looking at the stars. Gazing at the beauty and getting lost in the worlds of his thoughts was almost therapeutic to him. But he could only do it when he wanted to feel something, when he was tired of being numb. And right now, even though he felt fine, he could feel his body slowly start to walk the fine line over the precipice of the end of being happy and the beginning of feeling dead. It was an awful feeling that he always tried to shake away every time it crashed over him. But the more he did, the bigger the waves became. Each would hit him harder than the last until he was fully underwater. He felt embarrassed. Ashamed. He never wanted to show anyone this side of him. Especially not Josh. How could he show the light in his life the incredible, neverending darkness that seemed to always consume him, no matter what he tried?
With his laughter fading and his body holding on for dear life, he tried to act fine. He arrived at the van and climbed into the back, and before he even had to ask if Josh could stay with him, he was already climbing next to Tyler and laying down. Michael had already been in the car waiting for them, and he was adjusting his mirrors while Mark took a seat in the row in front of them. The usual chatter after a show ensued, with Michael double-checking that everyone had everything. Once logistics were out of the way, they took off, leaving this small city in Kentucky behind.
It was about a two hour drive back to Ohio, and it was already late. Tyler could feel the tired aches knick away at his bones, and the air he breathed in felt heavy and thick. He laid down on his back, close to Josh, but not close enough to touch. The slow, even rhythm of the tires speeding along felt all too familiar, and even though Tyler was worn out, he just couldn’t get to sleep. His eyes wouldn’t close and were practically stuck to staring at the same spots on the roof of the car. He didn’t know how long Josh let him do this before he saw him roll over on his side to face him.
“Hey,” he whispered, keeping his voice low in case Mark had fallen asleep. “You alright?”
Alright. It’s like Josh knew that was the word he had been telling himself over and over again. It’s like he knew he was convincing himself he was.
“Just tired I guess.” He could feel his energy for words decrease with every passing moment.
“It’s okay if you aren’t. I know how draining all of this is. And I’m proud of you, Tyler. So proud. You know that, right?”
Tyler could feel his heart swell with confusing, messy, wonderful emotions that scared him and excited him all at once. He didn’t know what to say. So instead, he did the thing he had been denying himself to do since they laid down. The one thing that could feel better than he ever could. He moved closer, resting his head on Josh’s chest as he made himself fit perfectly into his embrace. Skin against skin, hearts against hearts. Tyler could smell Josh’s scent of honey. He was like a teddy bear, all warm and fuzzy. He wrapped his arm around him and curled his legs into his side.
He never felt more at home. And he couldn’t even think about what all this meant, because now, he felt safer and happier than ever.
Josh welcomed him, pulling him further and adjusting his own arms so Tyler could somehow even be closer. Grabbing a nearby blanket, he spread it over both of them and wrapped up inside of it. The fuzziness of the material made them both feel even more protected and at peace. Josh spread his legs out and adjusted his head under his pillow. The silence was so comfortable that he didn’t even need Tyler to say anything at all. They could just exist together.
That was more than enough.
After hitting a small bump on the interstate, Tyler heard some rustling from the seat in front of them. Mark’s eyes slowly opened as he sat up to see Tyler, cocooned in Josh’s arms, and Josh, who was holding Tyler like he would break if he let go. With careful ease, Mark picked up his camera and started to zoom in on Tyler.
“What’cha guys doing there?” he whispered with a small laugh.
Tyler didn’t even have to look up to know that Mark was filming. He exhaled, a small sigh, and he pulled the dark blue blanket up a little further, a hermit hiding himself from the world. While holding onto Josh, his muscles tensing, he summoned an excuse for...whatever this was. Suddenly he felt so hyper-aware, like whatever was happening was wrong and he needed to explain it away. A small drop of guilt pooled in his stomach, and he tried to ignore the slow drip.
“It’s just because we’re cold,” he mumbled. The excuse seemed to make him feel a little better, and he slipped back in the familiarity of the sound of Josh’s heartbeat.
As Tyler closed his eyes again, Mark panned over to Josh. His eyes slowly opened as he flashed a content smile towards the camera. He moved his hands to slowly run his fingers through Tyler’s hair, and he gave Mark a look that said everything that needed to be said. Mark instinctively put the camera down. He didn’t want to intrude on their moment. He laid back down and fell back asleep as both of the boy’s breathing became more steady and even. Josh subconsciously didn’t stop playing with Tyler’s hair. It was so soft and comforting to the point where he thought he’d break.
And then, just as he thought Tyler was asleep, he felt Tyler’s hand reaching for his. It was so soft and small, his palm feeling like delicate brush strokes on a storyteller’s canvas. He locked fingers with Josh and squeezed tight, like he had to prove that this was real and tangible and alive. Josh didn’t mind one bit, and he gave Tyler’s hand a small squeeze back. Their breaths synchronized, and they both fell fast asleep.
It was only around forty minutes later when Michael pulled up to Tyler’s house. The buzzing of cicadas and cool summer air hit Tyler’s face, but he was unaware. He was still asleep, being carried by Josh up to his house and into his bed. Josh gently took off Tyler’s gray vans and socks and carefully laid him down under the covers, trying not to wrinkle his white button-up. Tyler instinctively curled up under the sheets and let out a small, blissful exhale. Everything around them was so silent, but Josh felt like every decoration and piece of furniture in his room was watching them intently.
Tyler looked so peaceful when he slept. All the tension he kept locked in his temples and cheeks and shoulders magically melted away. He wished that Tyler could look like that all the time. He wished he could cast all his burdens away into oblivion and make all his pain disappear. But the only thing he could do was be there for Tyler, to hold him when he needed him, and to live out their dreams side by side. Josh’s heart drummed loudly in his ears while his adrenaline made his hands shake. He couldn’t place what he was feeling, or what was happening, but suddenly his head was moving forward and he was bending closer to Tyler.
With a slow-burned moment of intricate detail, Josh placed a kiss on Tyler’s forehead. The feeling of his skin, which was warmer than before they had held each other, made Josh’s lips tingle and his mind buzz with implications. But he tried to put it all away as he headed towards Tyler’s bedroom door. He turned around one last time to give him a final look.
“Goodnight Tyler,” he breathed softly, and he tiptoed out of the room, down the stairs, and out the door.