Chapter Text
Lily is tired. Not the tired when she lost sleep over an essay that she forgot about, or when she just couldn’t put a book down that left too many cliff hangers to be legal. But this kind of tired she couldn’t shake off. It lingered closely and she could feel it breathing down her neck. It drained her quickly and she often sighed with tense shoulders that did nothing but remind her of what she is.
Nothing entirely special so it seems.
She remembers everything her sister says, every detail the mirror shows back, the thoughts that swirl round and round and round that never ground to a halt and just wants to urge the hatred on. Lily doesn’t believe she is pretty. She doesn’t see it and when she does glimpse for a moment as the sun reaches her, she shakes it off as an anomaly of fate.
It isn’t pure hatred. It’s a small and pestering growth that doesn’t shut up. It is a slow build to shouting and when Lily can’t take it anymore she bursts in anger which turns into tears and then back to the start of hate. A circle of destruction that wasn’t always there. Lily never used to care. It wasn’t on her mind. It wasn’t something she ever thought would be. But then her sister bought the magazine’s and her mum tried out this new diet and everyone around her was conscious. Lily didn’t care. But then she did. And now she can’t go back. And she feels like her world is falling apart. And still she stays quiet in all the chaos and thunder.
She says goodbye to her parents and nods at Petunia as if signaling a mutual fondness that she doesn’t think her sister shares. She passes other students and parents and puts on this fake façade because she would rather suffer alone then bother someone else with meaningless hate.
Lily is on the train alone, waiting for Marlene and Alice. She notices Remus with his dad. He’s grown, again. She watches him curiously. Not like she doesn’t know his secret because she found out pretty quickly. But because something is different. Remus looks lighter. More relaxed. More himself and maybe free from a fear that has left its perch on his shoulders. She wonders what it may be. Wonders if she too, one day, will be free.
It doesn’t take long for Remus to notice her peering through the window. He turns and smiles and waves. Lily waves back and forces a smile. And soon she hears the compartment door creaking open.
“Lily! It’s good to see you, how was your Christmas?” Marlene gleams.
They hug and sit close next to each other. Lily rests her head on Marlene’s shoulder and takes her hand to hold.
“Could have been better. Would have loved for it to have snowed.” She replies.
“Oh yes that would have been perfect! Now I’ve got to tell you about the party I went to.”
Lily sits back up straight, wrapping her arms protectively around her middle and watching Marlene natter on out the corner of her eye. She doesn’t just watch; she admires. She stares longingly and with hope that one day she will look as pretty and elegant as Marlene does. All perfect curves and soft skin with bright blue eyes and wavy blonde hair that is always without fault.
And then she realises what she looks like and sulks away and tries not to cry and bawls her hands into fists and pushes down the feeling of jealousy. Because Marlene is her best friend. She shouldn’t be jealous of her but she can’t help the ever-growing feeling. And it makes her sick.
“So yeah, my aunt is going mad and mum says I shouldn’t stare at it but Lily, I can’t help myself!” Marlene finishes and slumps back into the seat.
By that point Alice and Mary come in. Both with smiles and tans and hair in French braids. And once again Lily feels the jealousy bubble up, though she pushes it away and smiles too, partaking in the conversation about holidays, presents and Muggle boys from the park like nothing is wrong and that she doesn’t hate herself.
Fortunately for Lily, the train ride is quick and uninterrupted by James and his lot. She won’t admit it but she secretly wanted the boys to come in, she wanted to watch them try and woo them and leave with green warts or flying boogies. But she keeps it to herself and nods and hums in response to the others to make it look like she is involved.
They ride the carriages and make their way to the Great Hall. She feels the same as she did at the start of the year when it was their last sorting ceremony feast and it dampens the should be cheery mood. Lily doesn’t know what to think. She’s happy to be on their last leg of this strange and rather peculiar journey, the joys that have come with it and the memories too coming along, but even with that, the magic of Hogwarts will be gone as they go and she doesn’t know what she’s going to do once they leave. It becomes this queasy feeling of unknown and it scares her, sending shivers down her spine and making her ears ring loudly.
Everything changed once she got her letter all those long 6 years ago; and now remembering watching the first years perching on the stool with the hat sitting too big on their heads, she is reminded of the changes that loom behind, emitting a dark shadow that no candle nor torch can light up and help her to find her way. And it scares her much more then she anticipated and it keeps her from eating the food and leaves her mouth feeling dry and hands all clammy.
“You alright Lils?” Marlene’s voice is a million miles away, captured in a cloud and being blown along by a wind, out of recognition to Lily and it takes a few more ‘Lily’s’ to get her to respond.
“Yeah, I mean just feeling a bit ill that’s all. Nothing to worry about.”
“If you are sure. Maybe you’ll feel better after, Black is planning a party, alcohol and everything.” She whispers the last part with a twinkle in her eye and just like that, Lily perks up. Even she can’t say no to a party.
It’s all wild lights and blaring music as the younger years head for bed and the clock ticks closer to midnight. There’s a sharp smell of perfume and after shave that wafts from the bathrooms, alcohol is in the air and split on the cushions thrown on the floor, its aroma is strong and fills the room, making those intoxicated and in a drifty daze just by the smell. Music thumps against the curved walls and carpet floors, loud and clear to even those casting silencing charms. Students jump and dance to the beat, stumbling and waving their arms like mad men, singing off key and with the wrong lyrics.
Lily is on the floor with her legs stretched out and leaning against the wall adjacent to the fireplace, which somehow, to her surprise, is still going strong - unlike a lot of people who are too confused to do anything but sway and giggle and gag at the thought of drinking again. She hasn’t drunk a whole lot, enough to get her light headed and feeling as if she is floating on a cloud of delight. Though, the cloud just may be hurdling towards a storm.
She wouldn’t say she would drink to forget about herself. It’s more as if she likes the chance to forget herself. And if there is a chance, why not take it? And to be fair, she hardly drinks at all. Her parents let her take a few sips which may turn into gulps when they aren’t looking. But other then these impromptu parties, drinking isn’t Lily’s priority.
She lets out a sigh which sounds more like a groan and closes her eyes. It doesn’t last long until a loud thump makes her jump. She opens them to find Remus and Sirius on the floor in each others arms. They are staring at one another and hands linked together. It all kind of makes sense. It doesn’t settle in her head but subconsciously, Lily understands. She doesn’t say anything and she doesn’t watch for long, it seems to private and intimate for anyone to see. So, she closes her eyes again and let’s the dying party take over her senses.
Again, doesn’t last long.
Marlene is in front of her with a grin that could promise trouble. Her hair has come out of the bun she made earlier, little wisps of her old fringe standing on end as if she’s been struck by lightning. Her clothes are a little screwed up like she’s been running or in a haste to get them back on. And there’s a stain on her tights that now have one too many ripped holes in. But all the same, Lily thinks she beautiful and groans once again at the thought of looking like a drunken mess. And she’s reminded why she doesn’t like parties and would rather be warm and tucked in her bed. (Even though the positives still outweigh the negatives).
“Looks like you’ve had enough. Come on, little one.” Marlene says without much of a slur on her voice.
She drags Lily up standing then pulls her along to the dorm. Alice and Mary are already asleep albeit still in their clothes and in the wrong beds – Alice didn’t even manage a bed so it seems and is half hanging off, Lily would have helped her be more comfortable if it wasn’t for Marlene dragging her to the window ledge.
It isn’t big but just enough room for the two of them. The little over hang outside the larger window faces the forest. Lily still hasn’t decided if she likes to venture out like this but she doesn’t say anything and sucks in a breath as her and Marlene lay down on their backs.
“I kissed someone.” Marlene says quickly that Lily barely hears it and only after a couple of minutes does she understand.
“What? Who?”
“Look Lily, love is complicated and sometimes people love others that isn’t normal in society”
“What do you mean?” Lily asks.
“I don’t want this to ruin our friendship.”
“Nothing will ruin what we have. Unless you become a murderer or it was Severus you kissed.”
Marlene laughs. “No definitely not that.”
“Then who?”
“Dorcas Meadows from Ravenclaw. A girl, Lily, I kissed a girl.” Marlene whispers with tears in her eyes.
Lily doesn’t say anything for a while. Her eyes are still closed and she is still on her back. She can hear Marlene breathing deeply. She reaches out and finds her hand in a fist and holds it gently. It means more then it looks. A single gesture can change someone entirely. And this. This brings the cool air around them warmth and the hate in society to a stand still. Marlene laughs and Lily joins in too.
“Okay, so you are fine with it?”
“Yes! Yes of course. As long as she treats you nicely and makes you happy. I don’t care at all.”
They eventually go back inside. Even if the stars greet them with open arms and trees wave them hello, the air is unwelcome and bitter. It only hints nipping at their finger tips and ends of their noses that’s it’s time to go. Lily doesn’t mind and is thankful that Marlene wants to change out of her dress and into her fluffy pajamas. They sit against Marlene’s bed headboard, they don’t get under the covers to sleep, they just sit.
“So tell me, how many letters did Potter send you this time.” Marlene smirks and bumps her shoulder against Lily’s.
“Actually only one.”
“Oh really? What did he say?”
“Told me about what he and the others got up to, what he got for Christmas, told me he hoped I had a good Christmas. He also got me this um, bracelet and this pendant you keep tiny pictures inside.”
“Okay this man! He’s actually getting better. Do you remember the first letter he sent you. He’s learned his lesson and you don’t even write back!”
“Who said I didn’t write back?”
“Lily! What did you say?”
Lily faked yawned and slid out of bed. “Marls it’s been a long night. Got to get my beauty sleep.”
“Don’t avoid the question.”
“Sorry what was that? I’m going to sleep, goodnight Marls.”
Lily ignored Marlene as she made her way to her bed and tucked herself in. She could hear Marlene laugh before going to sleep or maybe just lying down but she didn’t say anything else as the night went by.
Sleep didn’t come easy for Lily. Her mind still raced and her heart thumped loudly. In her nightdress she could feel everything. The sheets across her skin, her hair stuck to her cheeks, her feet against cover. It was all too close. All too much. But she stayed still with her eyes shut until she managed to get into a slumber. And when she did the dreams came quickly, all distorted but not to be called nightmares. And when she woke with the sun and the rise of the others with banging headaches, she forgot them instantly.