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Lexa stared at the young girl tied securely to the post. She watched as her men, one by one, forcefully slid their blades through her flesh.
Somewhere inside herself, she felt a stirring of pity. The girl had lost someone, she understood. Lexa herself had razed the Ice Queen's tribe to the ground after Costia's death.
And despite the mask of insincerity she constantly wore, she was relieved when Clarke proved Raven's innocence.
She didn't know why, but Gustus' death was easier to bear.
He was her closest ally. Her confidant when she trusted no one else. That loyalty had lead to his death.
However, it was not emotion that ruled his motive, as she had believed Raven's to be. It was that loyalty. It was his own reasoning.
When the festivities were cautiously continued, in a solemn manner, the following night, Lexa searched the Sky People for Raven's face.
When she did not find her, she slipped out the tent in search.
It wasn't a surprise to find Raven kneeling at the fire pit, where the skeleton of the pyre was still in place. The people of Tondc would likely leave it for a week or less, depending on when the space would need to be utilized again.
"Raven," she whispered, announcing her presence, but trying not to disturb the girl.
She flinched, but said nothing. Lexa sighed, moving forward and sitting beside her, staring out at the ashen pit.
"He was a good man," the younger girl croaked. "He... What he did... It wasn't him."
Lexa nodded. "Oftentimes, when one focuses so strongly on the goal, they forget to acknowledge the path of destruction they leave."
"He was the one who wanted peace to begin with," Raven continued, a sob tearing out of her chest.
"You were close to him." It wasn't a question. Lexa wasn't blind. She was, however, curious. "Were you lovers?"
"We were," the girl said, laughing. "Before he got sent down here. Before he met her."
The word was spat with such a fire, Lexa's eyes widened, her gaze finally falling on Raven. "I was the one who called for his death," she pointed out slowly. "Blaming Clarke for a mercy is foolish."
Raven gripped her hair tightly as she rocked back and forth. "I understand... Why you did it. And after... last night. I understand why Clarke did it. But I hate knowing that... that he will be remembered for this. He did good things. He was a good man. He was just... broken."
"I think," Lexa said quietly. "It does not matter how the world perceives him. But how you, and your friends, remember him."
"Why are you being nice?" Raven laughed sharply. "Clarke said you had a thing against emotion and touchy feely shit. Feel bad about trying to kill me?" The question was a joke. At least, Lexa perceived it as one. Still, she answered honestly.
"Did Clarke also explain why I have adopted the philosophy?" At the girl's silence, Lexa continued. "I, too, lost someone close to me. When she was killed..." A pause. "You did not try to poison me, Raven. Let us say that that makes you a better person than I."
"How did she die?" Raven asked hesitantly.
"She was executed," Lexa explained easily. "Tortured and killed to try and gather intelligence on me. Which she did not possess. When I found her body... My Clan destroyed them.
All of them. And in the face of the pain I felt... and the pain I had caused... I understood. The emotions you are feeling right now are what drive you to weakness. Love is weakness. It is fragile, and its consequences are great."
"But it's worth it," Raven insisted. "I know I feel like shit now but... I have to believe it was worth it. I loved him, and I wouldn't trade any of our time to make this pain go away."
Lexa smiled slightly at the thought. "Give it time," she whispered. "It will consume you." Her eyes swept across the ashen pit, remembering the bodies that once rested there. "And the memories you hold so close will be nothing but wood for the fire."
"I haven't had a lot of people in my life," Raven began. "None who were as important to me as Finn. But I know he wouldn't want that for me. He wouldn't want me to be a shell, to forget things that make me happy to spare myself from pain. And... I don't think she would want that for you."
Against her will, Lexa's fist clenched. Surprised, she looked down on it. An emotion she'd long buried exploded to the surface. "Do you speak of her," she said gravely, her tone low and scalding. "You know nothing of Costia, and you know nothing of me."
"You loved her," Raven continued bravely. Or stupidly. Lexa honestly couldn't tell which she was at the moment. "And I understand that. And I'm in pain, and I'm hurting. But even I know that, one day, I might find someone else. Someone I love like I loved him. And there's nothing wrong with that. With moving on. With being happy."
The commander had no idea how things had twisted so quickly against her. Her desire to comfort the girl was gone now, and the overwhelming need to flee replaced it. Mentally, she cursed herself. A warrior doesn't flee. A heda does not feel fear.
"I will be happy," Lexa said slowly. "When my people are safe." She stood, sharply turning away from the girl. "You should return to the festivities. It is rude to ignore your hosts."
Raven said nothing, and the commander strode away. I do not flee, she told herself. I have business to attend to.
When she returned to the tent, she quickly sat at the table, away from the small crowds of people. Her people and the Sky Clan were conversing hesitantly. Nervously. It was still better than she'd expected.
"Things are going well," she heard Clarke say as the girl say across from her. "You left?"
"I had some business," Lexa lied. "And they understand cooperation is needed to save our people."
Clarke smiled widely, turning again to look at the mingling clans.
Clarke, who was so brave, so noble, and so stupid.
Clarke, who was so enthralled with the idea of peace.
Clarke. Who looked so much like Costia, it burned to look at her.
Lexa smiled, but there was no emotion behind it.
She saw Raven slip in unnoticed. A feat, considering her leg, and the training of her warriors. She kept her eyes on her as her faux smile dropped. Clarke caught her gaze's direction, and misunderstood.
"She lost the most important person in her world," she said. I know, Lexa thought. I understand. "She'll support the treaty once she understands that it's what Finn would have
wanted."
Once Raven returned Lexa's gaze, the commander shifted her attention back to the blond. "I'm sure she will be a wonderful addition to our efforts." She words were distant as she tried to ignore the burning gaze affixed to her.
Clarke seemed to understand Lexa was not a conversationalist at that moment, and nodded, returning to her people. Lexa was alone for nearly two minutes. Two glorious minutes, she mind thought darkly.
"Would you like to get out of here?"
Of anything Lexa thought Raven might say, that phrase was not amongst the list.
"The woods are dangerous alone, at night," Lexa said, confused. "It would not do it wander."
"Not the woods," Raven said, smirking. "I'm sure we can find a safe place. Perhaps your tent?"
Feeling the fool for not understand the request at first, Lexa allowed herself a moment to consider it. "You wish to bed me?"
Raven's eyes widened in shock at her candor. "It can't hurt," she said, laughing. "Besides... It'd be nice to forget things for a while." She glanced, disgruntled, at the people around
them. "And besides, you're the prettiest one here."
At that moment, one of her warriors belched loudly. Raven rose in eyebrow in emphasis.
"One night," Lexa conceded. "One night to help you forget." To help us both forget. "To help you pretend." To help us both pretend.
"That's all I ask," Raven said, sighing in relief.
Lexa lead her discretely back to her tent.
One night bled into one morning. And then into two. Then three.
It continued until pretending no longer bore meaning.
It continued until Lexa could look at Clarke and not see her dead lover. Until she could look at Raven, and not not feel the thing she once spurned.
Lexa eventually lost count of the nights, focusing instead on their contents.