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Jackie stared at the paper again. The writing looked like hers, bubbly yet stylish loops in her favorite purple pen.
But it couldn't be.
Because she couldn't have written something so completely wrong, bordering on insane really. Maybe if she tried hard enough, squinted a bit, the words would change into something better, something not totally impossible. Or...she could fudge it a bit.
Or not. Wouldn't help anyway. Now that it was all there in purple and white.
She sighed heavily and pushed the notepad across the bed towards Donna and Hilary. Might as well get this over with. “Alright...here's the list.” She waited for the inevitable fall out.
“Jackie--” Donna said as she scanned the paper.
Trust Donna to figure it out right away. “I know.” she pushed off the bed and stared out the window.
“But Jackie, this is--”
“I know Donna.” she glared over her shoulder.
“Couldn't you maybe...try a bit harder?”
She spun around quickly, “Don't you think I have?”
“Well, sometimes you get a bit” she made a gesture in front of her with both her hands, “focused on a thing, or a person and it tends to--”
“I said I know Donna.”
“For the sake of the new girl. What are you two talking about?” Hilary spoke up for the first time since Jackie had finished her list. Jackie and Donna looked at her for a second and then continued on.
“Jackie, are you sure you're being completely unbiased and...not crazy when you put this together?”
The pursed lips and raised eyebrow was the only response.
“Okay...so. Your perfect guy must—Jackie are you sure?” Donna finished off lamely.
“Damn it Donna,” she snatched the paper from her hand and glared accusingly at Hilary. “you want to know my perfect guy. Fine. Here it is. My perfect guy is someone who has a cool job, will defend me, own up to his mistakes, help his family and be a good kisser (because if I'm going to be with him for forever it might as well be hot too).”
“So, in short. The guy who would make me happiest, who is in every way what I want...and where it wouldn't matter what happened because I would be happy possibly grateful that we were together that I would never throw that away.
That guy? You ready?" Jackie barked at the two girls sitting on the bed. "That guy is Steven Hyde.”
She crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it on the bed before she turned and walked out of the room.
~*~
Her life sucked. There was no other word for it. The first time she was really and truly honest with herself about something to do with relationships and it turned out to be an ex-boyfriend. And not just any ex; it had to be the married-to-a-stripper ex.
Even better, the happily-married-to-a-stripper-ex.
Her life couldn't get worse, she thought as Donna walked into her bedroom. Or not, judging from the look of concern and hesitation on her friends face which was never a good sign. Donna sat down on the bed and took a deep breath before beginning. “So, I found out something today and before I tell you I want you to promise that you won't freak out.”
“Donna--”
“Promise Jackie.”
She threw her hands up in irritation, “Fine. I promise.”
Donna looked unconvinced.
“Now I'm starting worried.”
“Okay, but remember. You promised”
She took a breath. “Hyde and Sam aren't really married.” Donna leaned back defensively and waited.
Words she had never expected, but instead of feeling her heart lift at the news she felt her chest drop a little. Not really married. Makes an odd bit of sense, since seriously...married in Vegas on a drunken whim? Not exactly the smartest decision every made. So why didn't she feel better at hearing the news?
“Jackie?” Donna's voice broke through her revelry.
She turned quickly towards her friend. “But he thought he was, right? Like...the real thing. For ever and ever?” she didn't think to wonder why, but the answer to the question was suddenly very important to her.
Donna bit her lip, giving away everything. "Yeah, he thought it was."
"Oh," her stomach tightened a bit. "Well. That's too bad then."
She turned her back on her friend and fought down a wave of disappointment. She half hoped that it was all a game to him, a childish way to get back at her for what happened in Chicago. But knowing that he thought it was real, that he was willing to make it work made her a little sick inside.
If he was willing to do that with some freaky Vegas stripper, then he was ready to do it with her.
And she had thrown that all away.
~*~
She was in therapy. But only because her normal retail therapy was wreaking havoc on her working girl salary and not because she was crazy or anything. He was her moms therapist before she started partying in Mexico; actually she vaguely remembered the "extended vacation" might have been this guys suggestion.
And yet, here she was sitting in his office, spilling her guts about Steven and her and the mess that everything had turned into. And heaven help her he was starting to make sense.
"I think you need to realize how your actions make other people feel." he was telling her. "This Steven, for example, from everything you've explained to me it seems like he's reacting to some incident that you have precipitated. And if I had to guess at the mindset of this man, it's probably due to some deep seeded problem from his childhood. Possibly a parental or authority figure continued to let him down and he's built a defence mechanism to stop the hurt. I believe that his actions are simply the way he deals with this disappointment and stop himself from feeling pain.
But I want you to keep in mind that while both parties are to blame, you need to take responsibility for your actions. Jackie, I fear that you may have to accept that he doesn't want you in his life anymore in the capacity that you want."
"But I'm Jackie Burkhart." she interrupted. "Of course he's going to want to be with me."
The doctor looked at her over his pad, "That may be how you feel. You need to ask yourself if that's how he will feel. And if it's not what can you do to effectively help mitigate the situation."
Jackie opened her mouth to interrupt but fell silent as his words penetrated through her head. The idea of Steven not wanting her was something she'd never let herself consider. What if he didn't want to be with her anymore? And how in the world was she supposed to find out? Her breath started to get short and she could feel her pulse pound in her ears.
"I see that look in your face Jackie." the doctor interrupted her thoughts. "There's no need to panic. Take a few deep breaths to calm down." She closed her eyes and concentrated on forcing air in through her nose. After a few calming breaths she open her eyes again to see the doctor waiting patiently for her.
"Now I won't tell you what to do, but I want to warn you against falling into previous patterns. You can't expect this man to behave as he did in the past. His recent experiences will no doubt have left him uncertain and wary. I suggest restraining your natural tendency towards dominating the situation and give him some time to get used to his new status. And for heavens sake don't--" he stopped suddenly when the timer on his desk went off.
"Well that's all the time we have for today, we'll continue this conversation in our next session." he said as he ushered her out of the door.
"But--" she tried to say as he called the next person into the office.
"See you next week Jackie." he gave her a little wave as he closed the door.
She stared unbelieving at the closed door. Well, at least she got something out of the session; he didn't straight out tell her not to pursue Steven. She'll just have to play it cool with him, let him know subtlety that she was interested and give him some time to come to terms with it. Simple.
As she walked out off the office a bright red scarf in the next door shop caught her eye and she didn't give the doctors unfinished sentence a second thought.
~*~
Now is the time, she decided. She'd spent the last five days trying to come up with the Get-back-together-with-Steven plan, and now she was ready. Just walk up to him, declare her intentions and he would obviously agree and take her back. It was a good solid plan...for fifteen year old Jackie, she groaned and rested her head on the kitchen table. Why was this so hard? Having empathy for others wasn't the easiest thing to do and is seriously going to lengthen the getting back together with Steven portion of her life.
Especially when he was oblivious to the fact that they were getting together.
He seemed to be okay with being sort of friendly again, the snide remarks had lessened a bit and he didn't totally ignore her at the stupid disco sucks bonfire. And he did find Fez a new girl, which he didn't have to do, but she wasn't complaining because it had increased her quality of life at home so she could concentrate on what's really important. It was just too bad that she had no idea how to accomplish it.
So out of desperation she plunked herself down in the Forman kitchen, chatted with Mrs. Forman for a while and settled in to wait for Steven to come home. But, an hour and a half later, when he finally walked through the glass door she was no closer than before.
"Hey," he nodded briefly when he realized she was sitting at the kitchen table.
"Steven!" she pushed out of her chair. "Got any big plans tonight?" She almost rolled her eyes at how stupid it sounded.
He ignored her question. "Why are you here Jackie?"
"I'm sorry about Sam." she burst out. "If you, you know, need to talk or anything I'd be happy to lend an ear, or something..." she finished lamely.
"Oh golly gee thanks." he clasped a hand to his chest. "But no." he made a motion with his hand to move her out of his way.
She looked at him with panic creeping into her eyes, leaving wasn't part of the plan. In fact, leaving would make the plan useless and...not much of a plan.
“Steven, please stop.” Which didn't help one bit because he still looked like he was going to leave.
So she did the only thing that she could think of that would stop him from walking out the door. She caught his hand as he stomped past her, spun him around and kissed him. Hard and quick, with more desperation and less style than she would have liked, but she didn't really have time for anything else.
“Jackie...wha--”
"I think we should get back together." The words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself, and once they were she knew it was the wrong thing to say.
His features clouded over, "Are you insane!?"
"Why, because I want to save our love?"
"Love? Are you kidding?" his voice was thunderous. "We didn't have any love to save. We had something that maybe closely resembled it, but you went out and wrecked it. You. I didn't do that."
"No you just went out and drunk married the first girl who you found. Is that love?" She shot back her voiced laced with disdain.
"Not that it's any of your business, but what I had with Sam could have been. At least I was going to give it a try, which is more than I can say for you."
Her pulse quickened at his comment. "What does that mean?"
He took a step forward, invading her personal space. "You don't try. You want everything to be your way and if it's not exactly what you expect, you freak out. And then when you realize that the alternative is worse, you freak out some more and bully a person, namely me, into doing what you want anyway." he stopped and shook his head harshly at her. "And that's not going to happen here. I'm done with it Jackie. I'm done with you're freaky little mind games and you're ultimatums and you being the only person in the relationship."
He grabbed her shoulders and turned them around so he had an uninterrupted path out of the kitchen. "See ya later Jackie," he said as he waked through the swinging door.
She stared at the empty space where he stood. Crap. Maybe that stupid doctor was right after all.
~*~
She had pushed too hard, expected too much too soon. And now it was all to clear to her that not only was Steven Hyde her perfect guy on paper, he was someone she didn't want to be without.
She missed him in her life, they may not have always been friends but he was always there, and as much as she wanted him as a boyfriend she felt his absence as a friend the most.
If it were one of those movies that Eric always made them watch, her epiphany would have guaranteed her success. In a flash of light the guardian of some world would let her know it was all a test and viola, all was as it should have been. And she wouldn't be standing on the landing of the Formans basement, butterflies swarming in her stomach, trying for another chance.
"So," she started as she sat down on the opposite end of the sofa. "Red and Kitty are thinking about moving to Florida?"
"Yep." He answered without taking his eyes off of the television.
She looked over at him, slouched in the way he always does, arms crossed and feet on the table. How many times had she seen him in this position? "What do you think will happen?" she pressed.
He tore his eyes away, looked at her for a second and then went back to watching the picture. "Someone else will buy it and move in."
"Doesn't that seem weird to you? I mean, I thought that the Formans would be here forever, you know? Or Eric and Donna, or..."she trailed off.
"Or what?" Hyde pushed himself up so that he was sitting in the corner of the sofa facing her.
"Nothing," she said quickly focusing on the television.
"No Jackie, not nothing. What were you going to say." The irritation in his voice made it clear he wasn't going to let it go and he wasn't really happy about tract the conversation had taken.
She stared straight ahead for a long while, checking every once in a while to see if he was still watching her. When it became apparent that he was willing to wait for his answer she rolled her eyes and slapped her hands on the couch. "Us. Okay? I always kind of pictured us in this house," she glared at him. "Happy?"
His eyes narrowed and he exhaled a long slow breath. “You know that day when I came to Chicago?”
She nodded.
“If that had gone any other way,” he didn't say anything about the proposal, but she knew that's what he meant. “we might be having a different conversation right now.”
“I know,” she said simply.
"No Jackie. I don't think you really do." He sat on the top of the sofa, swung his legs over the side and headed up the stairs.
"Yes, Steven," she whispered into the empty room. "I do."
~*~
The door slamming again made both of them jump. That was the third one this hour; it didn't sound like Red and Kitty were any closer to finding the right buyer for their house. Jackie still hadn't made any significant progress with Steven but they could at least sit in the same room without one of them (mostly him) storming off in a huff. Now, with the Formans actually looking like they were going to move, she needed to be quick since her lame excuses for stopping by would disappear once they packed up to Florida.
She was going to have to swallow her pride and resort to doing what her therapist suggested. Start over. But in role playing form.
Because her life wasn't humiliating enough.
Even worse, she was going to have to convince Steven to do it too, which could possibly be the hardest thing ever to accomplish.
She took a deep breath and stared at him to get his attention. He once told her she was a freak for doing it, and he was probably right, but it worked.
Every time.
He turned his head slowly, "What?" She fought back a smile. Still got it.
"Nothing." she said innocently.
"What do you want Jackie?" he asked pointedly.
She tried to look innocent, like the thought just occurred to her. "Do you believe in fresh starts?"
"What? You can't do that. Won't work." he shook his head slightly to dismiss the thought.
"Why not?" Jackie stuck out her hand, "Hi, my name is Jackie."
Steven looked at her, unmoving. She gave him a look but said nothing and waited until he huffed and extended his hand. "I'm Hyde." he said simply, giving their hands one pump.
"Hyde...is that you're first name or last name?"
"Jackie--" he warned.
"Steven--" she mimicked.
"This is stupid, we can't pretend that we just met and don't know everything about each other already."
"See, that's where you're wrong." she said with a trace of her usual enthusiasm showing through. "We knew each other, but things have changed since then and we're not the same people we were back then."
Hyde eyed her suspiciously. "Have you been talking to that quack Mrs. Forman has been seeing? 'Cause this is sounding awfully familiar."
"No...well, maybe. On occasion." Jackie waved him off dismissively. "That's not the point. The point is he's helped me see that as much as you hurt me, don't give me that look you hurt me badly Steven, anyway...as much as you hurt me I did things that were equally bad and what's worse is I didn't even know it until recently. And for that I'm sorry.
"Really honestly sorry." She looked up at him, knowing that this was the important part and she wanted to make sure he saw it too. "And I still love you, even with all the crap that we've been through."
“Jackie.” he ran a shaking hand through his hair. “God this is hard.”
“Steven. It's okay. I just wanted you to know.”
“It's not okay, don't you see?” he went to lean against the freezer only to remember that is was moved into his old room, so instead he crossed his arms in front of him. “You can't keep doing this."
"I'm not really doing anything."
"Yes, you are."
"No. I'm not." she crossed her arms to mirror his own.
"Jackie--"
"Look. Steven, I get it now. Okay? Can't you just accept that I'm sorry and I know that I did some really dumb stuff that drove us apart and probably ruined our chances together. But this time it's totally up to you. Whatever you want, whenever you want. You can even tell me that it's totally over," she stopped to clarify. "That would hurt a bit though."
She took a small step forward but stopped herself from going further when she saw the hesitation in his face. "If it's really truly over between us I'd rather you tell me now though so we can both move on." It was her last option, but nothing she had said so far seemed like it was breaking the barrier between them.
He stared at her for a long moment. "I'm not sure that's what I want," he said in a soft voice.
A warm spark of hope started to spread through her chest and she fought hard to not jump up and down with excitement. Not break into a smile. Nothing to betray the feelings she knew would make him sink back into himself.
Instead she just bit her lip and nodded.
"You drive me crazy Jackie Burkhart, you know that?" he threw his head back in resignation.
She nodded again.
"You can say something you know." he said wryly.
"That was all I had." she finally allowed herself to smile a bit. "I didn't think I'd get past the I'm Sorry part."
"Ah." he nodded and stepped just a bit closer.
"Yeah." she agreed, not taking her eyes off of his, watching him as he took another hesitant step towards her. Finally, after what seemed like too many long minutes he gently reached his hand out and traced a finger down her arm and settled her hand in his. The touch sent a shiver down her spine and she was encouraged to see the contact was affecting him too.
She squeezed his hand and gently tugged him forward so they were standing toe to toe. When his lips touched hers it was just like the first time all over again; her stomach jumped at the sensation and her knees went a little weak when he cupped the back of her head and increased the contact between them. Then all so slowly he guided her until the back of her legs were pressed up against the sofa, and then in one motion they had perfected ages ago he tipped them backwards so they were lying together against the cushions.
She allowed herself the pleasure of running her hands over his shoulders and down his back. It had been way too long she thought as she arched her back slightly when he started trailing a line of kisses down the her jaw.
A small part in the back of her brain registered the sound of footsteps getting closer, but it wasn't until she heard Mrs Formans voice that she stopped her explorations.
"...the basement is partially furnished and has great potential as a rec...Oh good lord you two." Kitty threw her hands up in the air and marched a shocked couple back up the stairs.
Hyde brushed a strand of hair from her forehead, "She's going to be mad you know. That was the first couple that made it through the main floor in days."
They both looked up at the sound of the door opening again and saw Red coming down a few stairs, he gave them a grin and silent thumbs-up before putting on his strict face and yelled up towards the door, "I don't know what the hell you two dumb-asses were thinking but you can't keep doing that here while we're trying to sell the house." He rolled his eyes and stomped back up the stairs.
They smiled at each other, "I think we're forgiven." Jackie said as she moved her fingers to the base of his neck and guided his lips to hers once again.
~*~
New Years Eve
“Last one up has to call Red a dumbass!” Eric shouted as he swung his legs over the back of the couch, ready to run up the stairs. Jackie watched as one by one her friends scrambled to stand up and race up the stairs. She turned to Hyde who was still sitting in his chair.
"You coming?" she nodded towards the stairs with her head. They hadn't exactly told their friends they were back together again. Mr and Mrs. Forman knew, of course, but they were keeping surprisingly quiet about the whole thing.
Hyde grabbed her hand and pulled her gently into his lap where she happily snuggled up against him. "That was a really nice thing you did for Red." she said as she laced their fingers together.
"What? The tickets? That was nothing."
"I don't think you give yourself enough credit." she kissed his cheek chastely, "But that's okay, I won't tell anyone."
He rested his chin on her shoulder for a minute, which she had begun to realize meant he had something important running around in his head. She waited patiently for him to speak...or not, she also begun to realize she didn't always have to force the issue, especially when Steven had big important things to think about.
"After the holidays I should probably start looking for a place of my own."
"Yeah? But the Formans are staying now, you don't have to if you don't want to."
He tightened his hold on her, "I was kind of hoping to convince this chick I know to ditch her roommate and move in with me."
She pushed him away slightly to see the barest shadow of uncertainty in his eyes, "I don't think you'll have to do much convincing."
"That's cool," his usual glib response was offset by the brightness in his face.
“Steven...Jackie?” Kitty called from the top of the stairs.
He rested his forehead against hers before placing a gentle kiss on her nose.
“Shall we?”
“You bet.” She kissed him again, took his hand in hers and lead them upstairs as their family was counting down to the new decade.
And their new future.
~*~ the end ~*~