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I hope you have a happy life, Shuichi. I hope you get past this. I hope my plan works and that no one else dies. I hope you find someone that makes you happy.
Goodbye, Shuichi Saihara. I really did love you.
With honesty and love (ew), Kokichi Ouma
Shuichi read over the letter, eyes wide.
It didn’t make sense.
But it did?
He had no clue how he hadn’t found it sooner. He had no clue whether or not to believe it.
…yet some part of him almost wanted to.
Call it what you would- an apology, a confession, an interesting way to say goodbye, a way for a liar to finally tell the truth.
It hardly mattered.
Because all Shuichi knew was that he was never meant to find that letter. That letter that he had spent months reading over and over and over again. That letter that took up his every thought. That letter that his friends told him time and time again to forget.
It was just another lie. Another trick.
…but Shuichi couldn’t convince himself of that.
He was convinced that those words had been the truth. Kokichi Ouma was sorry and he had cared for all of them. He felt bad.
And he loved Shuichi .
Shuichi had no clue how long he had spent reading those words. Just to see them written in Kokichi’s handwriting, in the lightly smudged pencil, the almost messily connecting letters.
Just to see the word ‘love’ written there, undeniable proof in front of his face. Something Kokichi had left behind for him and him alone.
He wasn’t even sure what to do with it, what to do with anything. He spent far too much time staring at those sheets of paper, reading over the words again and again.
…he could only think of one thing to do.
****
Dear Kichi,
Can I call you that? I hope you don’t mind. I’ve been trying to figure out some kind of nickname for you, like you had for me. I wasn’t upset over you calling me all those things, by the way.
Anyway.
I found your letter. I think you wanted me to have it. I sometimes wonder why you didn’t just give it to me. I spend altogether too much time on that. On every part of it, really.
But that’s what you wanted right? You didn’t want me to forget you? I haven’t. I can’t.
I wish… I wish you didn’t do it. I wish you tried to let us help you. I wish you could’ve trusted us. I wish I didn’t say that to you.
But above all, Kokichi?
I just wish you were here.
Because you were wrong.
We aren’t like Romeo and Juliet, if Juliet was a liar, a jerk and a dude and if Romeo didn’t love Juliet. Because Romeo does love Juliet.
Uh- I do. Love you, I mean.
Although, Romeo- the character- does love Juliet- the character and not you- too so… both are true. Um. Either way. Whether we’re talking about Romeo and Juliet the characters or as metaphors for us, Romeo loves Juliet.
Look- what I’m trying to say is, Kokichi, I love you too. And I’m sorry I never got to tell you that. I’m sorry I didn’t let myself accept that until it was too late. I’m sorry I took it out on you.
It took me a while, after I found your letter. When I first saw it, it hurt me. In a way I didn’t entirely understand. Just like… finding you hurt me. I can’t quite describe it. But I couldn’t stop reading it. I still can’t. The more I read it, the more I understood.
I love you too.
I have for a long time. I have since… maybe since the first time I met you, in that classroom with Kiibo and Kaede. There was something about you that took me, that stuck with me and wouldn’t leave my head. I could almost never stop thinking about you, those first few days. Anytime I wasn’t thinking of my trap or about the mastermind, I was thinking of you. I stopped, a bit, after I lost Kaede. She meant so much to me.
…just not in the same way you did.
I guess that’s why, even after so long, your death still hurts so badly when even hers has started to fade. I guess I miss you so much because of what you meant to me.
I wish I had understood my own feelings better. I wish I had gotten to tell you.
It really sucks, you know?
Being in love with a dead person.
There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s not like we had a fight and I just don’t see you anymore. I could fix that. It’s not like we’re friends and I’m scared of ruining our relationship. I could get past that. It’s not even like you’re dating someone else. I might be able to get over you, if that were the case.
But it’s not.
Because you’re dead.
I almost think it’s my fault.
…I guess you kind of told me it was, though.
If I hadn’t told you you’d be alone, if I had just taken you up on being fucking friends - maybe you would’ve found a different way. Maybe you would’ve worked with us.
With me.
Maybe we would have ended it together. Maybe we’d even be sitting here together right now. Maybe we’d be watching some stupid cartoon or something. Maybe I’d have gotten to tell you how I feel about you.
And maybe we’d be dating. Maybe we’d be sitting here, watching some show you picked out, and… cuddling? I don’t know. Maybe that’s dumb.
I just can’t get the idea of sitting here with you, your arm around me and my head resting on you out of my head. I want that more than anything. I want to get to sit on a couch with you and hold each other and kiss your cheek and hear you make dumb jokes or come up with excuses to kiss me. I want to be with you.
So badly.
But I can’t. Because I screwed us. I turned you down, told you that you’d be alone. I let Maki shoot you and Kaito- though I guess that doesn’t matter. You would have died anyway at that point.
I’m sorry you couldn’t trust us. I’m sorry you couldn’t trust me. I wish we hadn’t turned against you the way we did. I wish you had just let us see you- the real you. The you from your letter.
I know how much you hated everything you did now. I know you thought you had to do it.
And you saved us. You really did.
I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you wanted, though. I wish Kaito had survived so that you would’ve died for something more. Of course, I wish he’d survived for more reasons than that. But still…
Three people.
That wasn’t worth it, was it…?
Was five?
Would five of us surviving have been worth your death?
I wish I could say yes.
I wish I could say I’d rather lose one than five. But when that one is you… I don’t know. I just can’t convince myself this was worth it. I can’t convince myself that you dying was a good thing, that losing you was worth the rest of us surviving.
I wonder though, if I had reached out to you, tried to be your friend, would we have been able to end the game? Would you have actually taken me up on it? Would any of us have survived if you didn’t do what you did?
I guess it doesn’t matter now.
What’s done is done.
Maki and Himiko are here with me. We’re trying to find a way to rebuild Kiibo. …it’s not going well. The outside world isn’t what you thought it was, by the way. It’s kind of nice here. Most people don’t know who we are, so we can live normal lives for the most part. We all live together. Being apart is too hard. Being alone is too hard.
But none of that matters.
I just want you.
That’s all I want you to know. That’s the point of this letter. None of the other stuff matters, Kokichi. It’s only you.
Wherever you are, I hope you can hear some of this. Or read it. Or something. I don’t know how being dead works.
…I hate that word.
Can’t you come back?
Please come back to me.
I miss you.
I know I don’t really have the right and I’m sorry, I know you probably wouldn’t want to hear that. But I do. And I really do love you. It all just hurts so badly. I want you back so badly. But I can’t have you and I still love you and that hurts.
I wonder if that’s how you felt…?
I still have one of your scarves.
I know that might be weird. I took it from your room, when we went in there. When I found this letter. I read it. And I didn’t really know how to feel. But it made me feel… something. So I took one of your scarves with me and I kept it. I almost always have it with me now.
It still smells like you.
That might be because I managed to find some of that soda you liked and whatever it was you wore. Actually, Maki found it. She was buying perfume, I guess? We were going to a nice restaurant and she and Himiko went shopping.
They brought me back a small bottle of it. I didn’t really understand what it was at first. Not until they took your scarf and put some of it on.
I almost cried.
Which might sound dumb. But I did. When they gave it back, it smelled almost exactly like you, like it did when I first got it. And it was just… perfect. I missed you so much. And that scarf was all I had of you. And it became a normal piece of fabric for a while. And then Maki and Himiko gave me that bottle and now it’s like you’re with me again.
Sorry, is that weird?
That’s probably weird.
Sorry.
Um.
I’m not really sure what else to say…? I just… I wanted to write to you, I guess. To tell you I felt the same and tell you a little bit about what’s been going on, to thank you for what you did.
Oh!
We got headstones made. For all of you. Yours is just under a tree. The last time I was there, flower blossoms were falling over it.
Did you hear me? I was talking to you, while I was there. I always do. I try to talk to all of you. But I spend the most time talking to you.
It’s never anything important. Just… how my day was. What Maki and Himiko are up to.
Telling you I miss you.
Telling you I love you.
That kind of thing.
I hope you know that we all care for you. Maki and Himiko have gotten past their anger too. We talk about you all, about how we feel about each of you, who we wish we could bring back the most.
When we did that, the first time, I remembered the third motive.
You wanted to bring Rantaro back, right? He was important to you. You really cared about him. I understand why you wanted him back. You wanted- needed someone to be there for you. And he would have been, right?
…but instead, you told me to bring back Kaede. You said you wanted her back to make me happy. I think that’s when I really fell in love with you, beyond the mystery or simple attraction.
When you told me you wanted my happiness, even above your own, it meant far more to me than you could’ve ever known. No one else was thinking like that. We wanted back people who ‘deserved’ it most or who would make us happy or who would be helpful. But you? You wanted someone back to make someone else happy. Even if it meant you didn’t get back the person you wanted most. Even if it meant you might lose me even more.
Other than that, there are a few other times. Like I said- when we first met. You were so… intriguing . I couldn’t get you out of my head. And the bug meet and greet when I woke up and you were… well. On top of me. It flashed through my mind, the idea.
Of kissing you.
Of pulling you down or sitting up to meet you and just kissing you.
I wish I had.
I don’t have the chance anymore.
So.
Dear Kichi,
I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you. I hope, wherever you are, you’re happy. And thank you so much.
Eternally, lovingly yours, Shuichi Saihara